Interesting outcome from Family Therapy

[jbmom]

So my DD made it all but 5 minutes through the session when she stormed out.  Alot of it is an act which this new therapist doesn't see through. I see alot of enabling. It kind of bothers me, so I decided to sound of. I have been sounding off all week. I have given fair notice to all that I was at the end of my rope with DDs antics and the way of life in this house. As always alot is on my shoulders to keep it running forward. Months ago, I decided not to decide what to do for dinner and let them come up with at least a few ideas, and I get blank stares. No one wants to put in a suggestion or start it. Their response is order pizza.  Very frustrating to say the least... .  especially in my household where I was very clear with DH from the start that this is a partner ship. I work, I had a higher level job than he, I was not going to sit aroudn and cater to him through a marriage. If I am the bread winner, this is going to be a modern equal relationship.  6 years later, sort of there, but to a man who was waited on by his stay at home mother he hasn't alot of intuition when it comes to maintaining a household.

So back to what happened. I blew up in therapy because I am done. This T did not like the fact that I left to a hotel. I told her very clearly my boundaries were crossed and I am not putting my son in this f'ing mess.  She goes back to fight of flight. Whatever. Not so sure she has my dd pegged with the lies etc.  I think there is a very low bar set for her.  We talk about how she continually breaks the family rules re: technology. We are told to put it aside from her, but she will steal our phones figure out our passwords, take our itouchs that aren't in use, etc.  She has a long history of breaking the rules. I want to talk about how we can get DD back on track with respect and family rules... .  she tells us treat her like the 8 yr old she has regressed too. But really an 8 yr old can show respect, and that isn't being addressed.

Anyway since I won't back down with my demands for a safe house as I see it (I mean she isn't in our home). She makes suggestions for reconfiguring our home. Make a room where I can go to retreat to. Make some place in my home "my hotel". Well problem being is if you have a kid that doesn't respect boundaries nothing will keep them out of their. My bedroom isn't private, she comes and goes as she wants, despite protests. I have an office now, but that isn't relaxing to retreat too -- that is for work.  Not sure how this is going to play out, because its my house and I am not putting myself out because of her. Now we can send her to her room, but seriously the idea is where I can go to get fully away from her. Not sure how this will work.

The second big part --- DH has to take over for me. Which means he has to see that homework is done, showers taken, pills given, and dissent must be handled by him. He has to keep her secure. I am supposed to be allowed to check out completely from caring from this child. He looked a little flabbergasted by this 'mandate'. His ideas of validating and connecting with her are so superficial. The T was asking him when was the last time he really had a sit down with her about this baby issue. Its all mom telling her it won't work. What is Dad telling her, can he have a heart to heart with her about this.  Can he talk to her about her grades, about finishing her school work, about chores around the house, about the antics she gets herself into. 

I pretty much sat there stunned... .  there you have it. Now the T is saying step it up as a parent. He is going to take over all appointments, etc. Well it was evident upon leaving that he was a nervous wreck about this. On checking out from the T I had to coach him through setting up appointments.  Like why can't she come on Monday -- its your birthday. Well its not her birthday, why does she have to miss an appt for my birthday, its after school. What are planning on doing at 4 anyway? You are typically not home? So I watched him anxiously set up appointments for the next 3 weeks, with a lot of questions towards me, and all I could say was I am checked out of this process. T wanted to give him 3 days, but I think thats unrealistic to experience the wrath. He needs a month. Right now she is scared straight by my departure to the hotel. She is behaving fine (sans the T appointment).

Its going to be an interesting few days.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi jbmom,

I'm not completely sure I am following all of the issues you are addressing in your post.  

It seems  you have a new T whom you are trying to build a relationship with... .  the "enabling" that you are referring to... .  is on the part of the therapist... ? 

To  make a long story short (for reference here) we had to quit our individual t post RTC because he was not holding my d accountable for using the skills she acquired in RTC.  She had "outgrown" him... .  it was sad... .  yet had to be done.  Prior to RTC, the therapeutic approach was one of support and relationship/trust building... .  the idea being that through this relationship of trust the t would be able to lead my d towards self reflection and skills.

It didn't happen... .  thus RTC... .  and the rest is history.

Where do you want the focus of this thread to be?  What is it that you would like feedback on exactly?  I just started with your first statement.

Let us know so we can support you.

 

lbj

[jbmom]

Yes - I am all over the map... .  its been that kind of week.

What I guess I am asking. Has anyone had a T suggest or rather mandate in this case a role reversal? I am primary caregiver for DD, she wants DH to do the first level of care. All the routine stuff, and not just the superficial interactions that are typical for him

I am really not getting a sense that we are the right place right now. I am not sure the T really is setting the right goals for DD. I think she gives DD too many outs... .  like its okay to put her hand in our face and walk out and say she isn't going to talk about the burning issues in the house. I thought that was what therapy was for, a place for us to have this discussion in a moderated environment.  But if one party keeps leaving and T keeps saying ok. What does that do?

This is a colleague of DD's private T, who challenged us are we really going to let DD out of the sessions because she makes a scene? But yet the family T does. So I am really confused and getting mixed messages. And now the P is involved too.

[lbjnltx]

Since your husband is there w/you in the T sessions I think it is good that the T is holding him accountable for being fully present in parenting your d.

Do you feel that the T is making some kind of a statement about your parenting skills or ability to handle your d?  Maybe the T sees you as overwhelmed... .  I know I was overwhelmed.

As far as the t not "pushing" to resolve issues during the session... .  yeah... .  that can really be frustrating.  I remember during one session w/my d when I wanted to talk about a past situation and she said "I don't want to talk about it" and I said "how are we going to ever get anywhere if we don't talk about it?" T said... .  "she is telling you she isn't willing to do this work... .  it won't get resolved.  She has stated a boundary that needs to be respected."  Wowsa wowsa... .  I was upset!  I can see now that he was absolutely right!  The t went on to put the focus on ME and what I can do to internally to resolve the situation for MYSELF... .  once more... .  we need to do what we want our BPDkids to do first... .  we need to model the behaviors and internal processes that we want our kids to ... .  FIRST!

It is so often the case:  Mom/Dad bring the child to T to get "fixed".  The T focuses on the parents, their skills or lack of skills, their thinking errors, their patterns of behavior, etc... .  parents think... .  "this isn't working... .  I'm not the one with the problem. Why aren't they helping my kid?"

So I ask... .  who influences this kid more... .  parents or therapist?

lbj

[jbmom]

[quote author=lbjnltx link=topic=192943.msg12189851#msg12189851 date=1359136095

As far as the t not "pushing" to resolve issues during the session... .  yeah... .  that can really be frustrating.  I remember during one session w/my d when I wanted to talk about a past situation and she said "I don't want to talk about it" and I said "how are we going to ever get anywhere if we don't talk about it?" T said... .  "she is telling you she isn't willing to do this work... .  it won't get resolved.  [/quote]
A little bit similar -- but DD is allowed to storm out on whim. Then the joke is she is laughing it up in the waiting room. yesterday she turned and smile at me -- see you at home.  Like woo -- I just got myself out of this session... .  alls good going for pizza. We see when we really touched on an issue she would just be upset and remain upset until we got home and cleared the air.  Just a lot of game playing with the P, and hte P  playing the game. I feel like they aren't encouraging her to get off the hamster wheel, and we are supposed to get on with it. In family connections we did a lot of work about  getting of the ride... .  and it worked and we all stayed calm. Now its seems like they are encouraging us to get back on the ride... .  and I am finding a hard time doing so. Like I am being encouraged to break my boundaries and discourage for placing repercussions on actions... .  even if they are logical. So I think DD is getting the idea she is untouchable... .  she can do anything under the guise of her illness.   

The more I think on it... .  I am just beginning to think this isn't the right place/time. The P holds her to a higher level, expects her to finish a session and she does, and they talk. Nothing is ever resolved on the spot, but at least other alternatives are presented for her to think on and make choices thereafter.

Basically the only message I needed to deliver... .  was stay away from a specific person... .  as I am not going to loss my gym membership over her impulse issue.  I am having a hard time doing what they expect, letting her bad choices be okay, because they are her choices. Bottom line I am still responsible for her actions... .  she is a minor, and far from the age of majority.

Will see what happens Monday at DH and my appt with the P. See what she suggests. Just not feeling that we are on the right page with this family P, and her P doesn't want to taint the relationship by doing our family P. I also find I get different interpretations from Family P and Private P. Private P is telling me she is cutting for the attention and manipulation, family P is insistent its to relieve stress. either way its maladaptive, but the uses of her actions are different.  They share an office, talk, but I don't seem to see them on the same page.

Just gettting frustrated.