I don't want us to be over.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

You can see my previous post here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=192829.0

The short of it, is that I want him back. I have never wavered in that, from the second he needed space, to the second he coldly ended our engagement and relationship, without discussion.

It seems like he is dragging his feet on getting me things he has of mine. He's also "liked" pictures of me that have shown up on mutual friends' social media sites and has reached out to my sister and other friends this past week.

After moving out and a week of NC, I had to email him about a few apartment things. I kept it short and to the point. He wrote back and his answers were "We can figure that out", "I'll let you know", "We can take it from there". Additionally, he told me about how work is going for him, and asked how I was doing (I did not ask about any of this).

From day 1, he's said he is over and done, and i've been working on trying to accept that for myself. However, whats with the behavior this week? Is it that he's realizing i'm gone (he moved back into our apartment, which is near barren) and its what he chose? Or am I totally reaching for something - anything - to hang onto hope?

[lostkitten]

You can see my previous post here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=192829.0

The short of it, is that I want him back. I have never wavered in that, from the second he needed space, to the second he coldly ended our engagement and relationship, without discussion.

It seems like he is dragging his feet on getting me things he has of mine. He's also "liked" pictures of me that have shown up on mutual friends' social media sites and has reached out to my sister and other friends this past week.

After moving out and a week of NC, I had to email him about a few apartment things. I kept it short and to the point. He wrote back and his answers were "We can figure that out", "I'll let you know", "We can take it from there". Additionally, he told me about how work is going for him, and asked how I was doing (I did not ask about any of this).

From day 1, he's said he is over and done, and i've been working on trying to accept that for myself. However, whats with the behavior this week? Is it that he's realizing i'm gone (he moved back into our apartment, which is near barren) and its what he chose? Or am I totally reaching for something - anything - to hang onto hope?

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hi lostkitten,

I'm sorry you are hurting, I know how this feels firsthand.  While I was not engaged, my pwBPD ended our r/s in a brutal email and there was a long period of no contact.

After coming out on the other side, I came to realize, (from everyone here at ftf, and the lessons presented to the right) that my BPD had a major temper tantrum or meltdown due to pressures from me, (yes, me albiet unbekownst at the time) and other outside sources.  The NC period, IMO, was a crucial turning point for her and for me.  It gave us both a chance to step back and breathe.  Although we are no longer "in a r/s" we do have what I term an intimiate friendship and it's ok.  Not sure what you are wanting since you were seriously considering a future together.

I think the tone of the emails from him are an attempt at some sort of contact, it sounds open for interpretation... .  

There are many knowledgeable people here to answer your questions more aptly than myself, I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for your hurting.

CiF

[lostkitten]

Hi lostkitten,

I'm sorry you are hurting, I know how this feels firsthand.  While I was not engaged, my pwBPD ended our r/s in a brutal email and there was a long period of no contact.

After coming out on the other side, I came to realize, (from everyone here at ftf, and the lessons presented to the right) that my BPD had a major temper tantrum or meltdown due to pressures from me, (yes, me albiet unbekownst at the time) and other outside sources.  The NC period, IMO, was a crucial turning point for her and for me.  It gave us both a chance to step back and breathe.  Although we are no longer "in a r/s" we do have what I term an intimiate friendship and it's ok.  Not sure what you are wanting since you were seriously considering a future together.

I think the tone of the emails from him are an attempt at some sort of contact, it sounds open for interpretation... .  

There are many knowledgeable people here to answer your questions more aptly than myself, I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for your hurting.

CiF

Thank you. It's absolutely devastating. We had a date booked, I had a dress, engagement pictures were taken - in fact, the night we got into a minor fight, which set him off, we had picked out what Save the Date we were going to order the next day! It was so sudden, and out of nowhere. There are still no answers, no reasons why - one thing he keeps going back to is "Better now than 5 years down the line".

I found out this week his brother and SIL are splitting up. They've been married for a little over a year, and have a 5 year old son together. I wonder if seeing that pushed him over the edge, along with work-related stress and wedding planning stress. He's done nothing but point fingers at me - this is, to him - all my fault.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Gee, I'm sorry 

No doubt, all of these outside occurances have added to his angst, in my opinion.  The level of closeness, intimacy are sometimes just too much and it scares them off, literally away from you.  It's like that feral cat we all talk about, come closer, come closer... .  and than BAM, it's too much and they retreat into the woods again until they feel they can venture out towards us again.

Btw, I'm a labrador trying to be with a feral cat.

Your pain is super close to the surface and I wish I could make it better for you, I am a fixer in recovery though, I had to learn to let my SOpwBPD fix herself while I stepped away and loved her from afar.  Tough tough stuff though.

Big hugs lostkitten, you will figure this out whilst processing all of these feelings... .  keep writing and feeling and getting it all out while you are loving him from a distance. 

CiF

[patientandclear]

As usual, CIF has great insight. Thought I would add, Lostkitten, that your story sounds so much like mine, though we were not engaged.  My bf left & while I was protesting & objecting that it was unnecessary, we could have worked it out, etc., he kept insisting it needed to be over. Though I was incomparable and he would always miss me

Once I seemingly accepted his decision (I knew nothing of BPD, it just appeared he had suddenly & inexplicably lost his original feeling for me, so what choice did I have, I felt), though, he relaxed his vigilence & it became clear he did not want to be out of touch. He emailed a lot, often with "hope you are okay ... .  ".   I was so not OK, but didn't sy anything about that. I kept the communication on other subjects for a few months, but then felt it was too painful to stay in that limited contact, so told him I needed not to be in touch.

That prompted a remarkable conversation in which he explained that this whole time, he'd been wanting to change his mind, but didn't know how; he thought I didn't want to see him (b/c after all, he'd been horrible!), the loss of us had "permanently &profundly altered" him ... .  and he wanted to know if we could get back together.

A lot else has happened since, some positive, a lot painful, but the point of this post is that, yes, once he's succeeded in gaining space & separation, the impulse to achieve that fafes, & the impulse to find you again may grow.  Yet he may not know how to bridge the divide.

That said, let's say you reach out, or eventually he does. Then what?  That same basic dynamic, where he can't handle intimacy consistently, likely exists.  Can you accept he will periodically push you away?

[daze]

Lostkitten,

I understand how you feel and have been in a similar situation. My only advice is to hold on loosely and take care of yourself.



daze

[lostkitten]

Thank you all for your help. With the time (I moved out 2 weeks ago) and knowledge, I feel like there's nothing else I can do. I laid it all out on the line, and he keeps avoiding. Last night, I had to swing by to pick up a few things (mail and such) and he had in the mailbox. He doesnt want to see me, he can't look at me or talk to me (all communication has been either text or email). I truly believe he's realizing things, now that i'm gone. I don't know if he will come back, but I have to put myself first.

It's hard to do that, because in our relationship, I took care of him. I handled all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, errands. He sat back. In a way, that's the way he chooses to live his life. Since college, he's quit things that he finds difficult or stressful, ignores emotions and chooses to always take the easy way out. I feel sorry for him, because I know how good we are, and how we could easily get past this.

[nylonsquid]

Hi Lostkitten

I don't want to give you false hope but I've gone through this before and she'd told me something similar. "I REALLY want to be with you right now but I just can't seem to be able to forgive you. I'm really trying". I thought I can still have her and continued talking to her. Eventually I sent her flowers to her work a few days later but she became more distant and eventually told me she doesn't think we should see each other.

Yes, she has been stressed and I have been adding to that stress just being in a relationship with her. I do believe that they need space and time and this cold distance will turn to longing. They just are all over the place. The reason why I know is because while I was with her I can see her during the pushes engaging a past ex or another. She sends out 'feelers' just like he's sending you a 'feeler'. They like the longing. They don't like the healthy. If you respond with 'available' it could be too much for them to jump in to the fire again.

I find if I act like I want her back then she will push. If I ignore then she would feel angry that I am not responsive and start pulling. She wants me to want her but she doesn't have to want me. If she is not responding then she is moving on to a replacement and I'm not needed. Not until something happens in her relationship that would be dissatisfying to her then she'd send a feeler out to me to check my status. This until her relationship ends and I take her back.

What I'm saying is I feel they will always take us back, just on their terms. Ignoring them makes them feel unworthy and in pain so they will lash out every now and then.

I've also taken care of her so much. A rescuer type. Also, I love challenges and problem solving so I found my ultimate match. Is this a healthy one? No. I need to watch myself from falling into this pit because they will always push. I suggest you ask these questions of yourself. We're caught up in this drama that has invigorated our passions and awoken our emotions. You feel alive, needed and useful. Your life has a meaning! It is a dangerous drug because there are side effects to this euphoric feeling. There's a crash. Are you going to keep going back for more hits?

[nylonsquid]

[lostkitten]

Hi Lostkitten

I don't want to give you false hope but I've gone through this before and she'd told me something similar. "I REALLY want to be with you right now but I just can't seem to be able to forgive you. I'm really trying". I thought I can still have her and continued talking to her. Eventually I sent her flowers to her work a few days later but she became more distant and eventually told me she doesn't think we should see each other.

Yes, she has been stressed and I have been adding to that stress just being in a relationship with her. I do believe that they need space and time and this cold distance will turn to longing. They just are all over the place. The reason why I know is because while I was with her I can see her during the pushes engaging a past ex or another. She sends out 'feelers' just like he's sending you a 'feeler'. They like the longing. They don't like the healthy. If you respond with 'available' it could be too much for them to jump in to the fire again.

I find if I act like I want her back then she will push. If I ignore then she would feel angry that I am not responsive and start pulling. She wants me to want her but she doesn't have to want me. If she is not responding then she is moving on to a replacement and I'm not needed. Not until something happens in her relationship that would be dissatisfying to her then she'd send a feeler out to me to check my status. This until her relationship ends and I take her back.

What I'm saying is I feel they will always take us back, just on their terms. Ignoring them makes them feel unworthy and in pain so they will lash out every now and then.

I've also taken care of her so much. A rescuer type. Also, I love challenges and problem solving so I found my ultimate match. Is this a healthy one? No. I need to watch myself from falling into this pit because they will always push. I suggest you ask these questions of yourself. We're caught up in this drama that has invigorated our passions and awoken our emotions. You feel alive, needed and useful. Your life has a meaning! It is a dangerous drug because there are side effects to this euphoric feeling. There's a crash. Are you going to keep going back for more hits?

Thank you so much for your advice. I've noticed that when I have no contact with him, thats when he comes around. Not to say he wants me back, but to keep communication open. If this is how he wants to do it - he can. If he comes back around, and is honest with me about his feelings and issues, I would absolutely welcome him back into my life. Granted, we would most likely need some joint therapy sessions in addition to him taking responsibility and going to his own.

It's just bizarre how he went from wanting to marry me, to not wanting to see me or talk to me. I was never given a chance to discuss why with him, and, as i've said, he has not handled this in a mature, respectful or considerate way. I've had better conversations with cashiers than how he is treating me. It's unfathomable. It's impossible for me to "be over" him, even now, so it's very difficult for me to try to accept that he has.

[dapperman]

Hey lost kitten, I'm sorry to hear about what your going through.  It seems as if your boyfriend might be playing games.  It could be a situation where "well I don't want her, but I don't want anyone else to have her".  What i'm finding out about BPD people is that they want to have CONTROL & that's what this sounds like.  You need to make up your mind either your going to deal with the mind games or leave it alone.  There's an old saying "I can do bad by myself".

Don't let no one keep you on a emotional roller coaster.     Dapperman