She is constantly putting me down

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all

I’m here today to have a bit of a rant really  

My uBPDw has been going through some challenges/every day things recently and as usual I’m at the brunt of it all - and it's my entire fault of course.  Why is it, in the mornings she can’t even have the respect to think that anyone else has responsibilities to deal with - like my job?  I cant even get to work these days without being blamed for something, screamed at, being made to feel guilty for me not doing enough to make her feel special... .  all the usuals.

I'm finding myself not being able to show her any love because she is constantly putting me down (I also suffer from d low self esteem - currently seeing a councillor) thus making the situation worse.  She knows my problems in this area but is completely unwilling to try to change anything to help.  I hate the way this makes me feel - frustration build and builds and eventually ends up with me not having a clue what to do.  Apart from feeling sad and hopeless and then getting so annoyed I retaliate and confront what she is saying which ends up in a full blown argument.  This is a common occurrence which, leads me to the point that I’m at now – I can’t seem to be able to decide whether or not to try and make a go of it on my own.  There are kids to think of and not to mention that I don’t have any where to go.  Friends houses are busy enough without me getting in the way – and all my friends are ‘our’ friends which really doesn’t help.  My Dad is nearly 80 and lives in a 1 bed flat, so again – no luck there!  

I guess I’m feeling really alone with all this and feel the only way is to keep going through the motions until something gives.  I just hope it’s not my mentality.  I’m turning into someone I don’t like and I have always thought of myself as being a ‘good soled’ person.  

Anyway, I guess this has helped a bit – getting some things off my chest.  I just need the mental strength to go home and deal with it (at work at the moment!).  All her emotions lead to anger, sadness, regret, confusion, denial - and again, more anger at the denial!  :)amn vicious circles!

Feel free to just have a rant back.  Who knows?  Help often comes from the strangest places.

[RJC83]

Hi all

I’m here today to have a bit of a rant really  

My uBPDw has been going through some challenges/every day things recently and as usual I’m at the brunt of it all - and it's my entire fault of course.  Why is it, in the mornings she can’t even have the respect to think that anyone else has responsibilities to deal with - like my job?  I cant even get to work these days without being blamed for something, screamed at, being made to feel guilty for me not doing enough to make her feel special... .  all the usuals.

I'm finding myself not being able to show her any love because she is constantly putting me down (I also suffer from d low self esteem - currently seeing a councillor) thus making the situation worse.  She knows my problems in this area but is completely unwilling to try to change anything to help.  I hate the way this makes me feel - frustration build and builds and eventually ends up with me not having a clue what to do.  Apart from feeling sad and hopeless and then getting so annoyed I retaliate and confront what she is saying which ends up in a full blown argument.  This is a common occurrence which, leads me to the point that I’m at now – I can’t seem to be able to decide whether or not to try and make a go of it on my own.  There are kids to think of and not to mention that I don’t have any where to go.  Friends houses are busy enough without me getting in the way – and all my friends are ‘our’ friends which really doesn’t help.  My Dad is nearly 80 and lives in a 1 bed flat, so again – no luck there!  

I guess I’m feeling really alone with all this and feel the only way is to keep going through the motions until something gives.  I just hope it’s not my mentality.  I’m turning into someone I don’t like and I have always thought of myself as being a ‘good soled’ person.  

Anyway, I guess this has helped a bit – getting some things off my chest.  I just need the mental strength to go home and deal with it (at work at the moment!).  All her emotions lead to anger, sadness, regret, confusion, denial - and again, more anger at the denial!  :)amn vicious circles!

Feel free to just have a rant back.  Who knows?  Help often comes from the strangest places.

[hithere]

Damn vicious circles!

This was really the aha moment for me, I realized that nothing was ever going to change and in fact like you I would suck-it-up until I exploded and with each major fight things got more nasty and because I also considered myself a good souled person I was not only hurt by the horrible things she said but I was also hurt by the mean things I was saying.

I eventually found that I could not even enjoy the hours/days of calm because I was so anxious about the next big rage that was always around the corner.

Keep seeing your therapist and see if you can talk out some options for the future.

Has your wife ever been in therapy?

[Surnia]

So sorry, RJC83, about your very difficult situation! 

Its hard to face feeling not at home in your own home... .  

Many of us went through ongoing arguments leading to more frustration and anger or depression. Did you know this workshop: How to stop circular arguments?

Perhaps this can help you to break those circles a bit.

[BillTheCat]

Hi all

I’m here today to have a bit of a rant really 

My uBPDw has been going through some challenges/every day things recently and as usual I’m at the brunt of it all - and it's my entire fault of course.  Why is it, in the mornings she can’t even have the respect to think that anyone else has responsibilities to deal with - like my job?  I cant even get to work these days without being blamed for something, screamed at, being made to feel guilty for me not doing enough to make her feel special... .  all the usuals.

I'm finding myself not being able to show her any love because she is constantly putting me down (I also suffer from d low self esteem - currently seeing a councillor) thus making the situation worse.  She knows my problems in this area but is completely unwilling to try to change anything to help.  I hate the way this makes me feel - frustration build and builds and eventually ends up with me not having a clue what to do.  Apart from feeling sad and hopeless and then getting so annoyed I retaliate and confront what she is saying which ends up in a full blown argument.  This is a common occurrence which, leads me to the point that I’m at now – I can’t seem to be able to decide whether or not to try and make a go of it on my own.  There are kids to think of and not to mention that I don’t have any where to go.  Friends houses are busy enough without me getting in the way – and all my friends are ‘our’ friends which really doesn’t help.  My Dad is nearly 80 and lives in a 1 bed flat, so again – no luck there! 

I guess I’m feeling really alone with all this and feel the only way is to keep going through the motions until something gives.  I just hope it’s not my mentality.  I’m turning into someone I don’t like and I have always thought of myself as being a ‘good soled’ person.   

Anyway, I guess this has helped a bit – getting some things off my chest.  I just need the mental strength to go home and deal with it (at work at the moment!).  All her emotions lead to anger, sadness, regret, confusion, denial - and again, more anger at the denial!  Damn vicious circles!

Feel free to just have a rant back.  Who knows?  Help often comes from the strangest places.

Hey man.  All I can do is let you know that I understand, because I'm almost word-for-word right there with you.  I get the 3rd degree from her before work.  Then I go to work and "fight the corporate fight".  Then I come home and get some more 3rd degree.  The only place I can relax or let down my guard is WORK.

It sucks because like you, I can feel myself shutting down as I stop focusing on her, and start focusing on me.  And it only feeds into her accusations that I'm "emotionally unavailable" or "passive agressive" if I don't entertain her verbal abuse, ranting and moodiness. 

[Bulgakov]

Lately, time away from mine hasn't helped. I just know I only get this time to myself and that will likely be spent trying to put out a fire or totally hurt by something she said to me. I'm starting to see her as this "thing" that lives off of my pain. I don't think I can work up the strength to validate anything she says. I try to accept that there is an invisible player here, but it is becoming more obvious that she does not care about anyone but herself. I imagine she only helps people so she can talk about it, herself. I'm sure she is sabotaging her plans right now so that she can blame me and rage some more. Whether she knows that or not. Sorry to accuse. I'm getting a lot of flack right now and I see it lasting into the night. I think if I wrote any more I would just be repeating exactly what you said. Your story almost feels like déjà vu. But obviously we are both individuals and there are some variables. Not married no kids. This r/s is causing me to attach fears to those things.