Introduction Why I am here

[goofygrandma]

I want to write an introduction but keep losing what I write.  Perhaps I am in the wrong place for this.  I guess I need some help in navigating the site and following directions.  I await some help. I will try again... .  

My daughter-in-law is an undiagnosed but suspected BPD.  I am having a personal struggle with the emotional issues of worry about state of my son and two young (2 and 5-yearold)granddaughters.  Son at end of the divorce that she wants but that never seems to end.  She has moved in with newest best friend (a lesbian woman who fights with men in bars, alcoholic who "wants her own family... .  "  The recent move was caused by the family's home selling rather unexpectedly forcing decsions to be made... .    The new best friend has been in the background of the divorce filing for over a year and a half.  There has been much deception.  I am hoping to gain more information from participating on this site and perhaps gain some hope regarding the future mental health of granddaughters.  I am joining this support group because I am making myself ill with worry.  My life's work was teaching, helping, and couseling others.  I was a respected and admired school principal.  I feel that I have tried so very hard to love and help my daughter-in-law and support and love son and granddaughters.  I need to know how others cope and stay healthy through these broken relationships.  I cannot let my son know that this is now affecting my health. My goal is to be a loving, supportive grandmother for many more years. I am 69 years old.  My husband and I are snowbirds in another state and have given our home over to son and granddaughters who are with him about 40% of time.  He is a devoted father.  He was a devoted husband.  We stay with son as guests in summer to help with girls. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lurchlookalike]

Hi Granny (I mean that with respect),

Take care of yourself, your husband and particularly your own health first and foremost. That's not being selfish, it's being wise. If you don't do that then you won't be able to help anyone.

Your son is obviously a grown man. Many of us here have had to deal with BPDish women so the best advice I have to give is to let him know about this site, particularly so if he agrees with you about your ex daughter-in-law's diagnosis. Your son is the primary person that will need to deal with this 1st hand, not you.

That doesn't mean you can't be understanding and helpful but I'd do it as an answer to his requests only, not on your own. Let your son direct what he'd like you do, and even in that case only do what is reasonable for you and allows you and your husband to live your own lives. You already paid your dues, you've earned it. Your son chose his marriage partner just as we all did so it's up to him to figure out exactly how to deal with that.

Often there are some lessons that need to be learned from these situations, but that's up to your son to figure out. Don't blame yourself for his situation, we all make mistakes as parents, many of them. That is part of life, no parents are perfect. If you were involved with academics I'm probably preaching to the choir here but it doesn't hurt to hear it from someone else. 

Good luck with it all, it is a handful, but he's a grown man and can handle it. He has to, there's just no way around it.

You sound like a very sweet lady by the way, God Bless.

[Surnia]

 

goofygrandma

So sorry to hear about your very difficult situation with your sons marriage/divorce! I feel your big concerns about your son and your little granddaughters.

Great you could made the brave step to reach out and start posting here! As you mention it, you are realizing that the situation is affecting your health. Many members are in similar situations. It is quite important that we learn look after our own well being too!   

We can help you with this.

When you are loosing a written text, try the BACK-button of your browser (Internet explorer, Firefox, Safari), than copy it and past it again. If you need more help about board handling, let us know!

Do you have some hobbies or friends, something that gaves you moments of relaxation?

Please keep in touch, goofy grandma!

Surnia

[InaMinorRole]

Having extended family that spoke into my life helped me as I was being raised by a BPD mother. I wish that when I was old enough to understand they would have spoken to me directly about the problem so I would have had someone to turn to. Having them tell me they were proud of me and that they loved me was a big help. If they had said, I know your mother isn't always reasonable, or something like that, it would have opened the door to discussion. That would have helped me.

As lurchlookalike said, it's your son's problem to figure out, but that doesn't mean you can't pour out the grandmother love as much as you can.

[lurchlookalike]

Having extended family that spoke into my life helped me as I was being raised by a BPD mother. I wish that when I was old enough to understand they would have spoken to me directly about the problem so I would have had someone to turn to. Having them tell me they were proud of me and that they loved me was a big help. If they had said, I know your mother isn't always reasonable, or something like that, it would have opened the door to discussion. That would have helped me. As lurchlookalike said, it's your son's problem to figure out, but that doesn't mean you can't pour out the grandmother love as much as you can.

Outstanding advice here Granny, the kids from a BPD parent often have the keenest insight.