Valentine or not

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have always made my 18 dd a beautiful valentine along with a small gift... usually an old navy valentine shirt or the such.

Now I think her last birthday she  grabbed he gift cards, ignored the homemade gifts and split.  This Christmas the gifts were thrown into the house  in a fit forage 15minutes after she left.

She is in college and does need clothes but I wonder what to do.  I feel lie any valentine anything is setting up for Akashi yet not getting her something is a setup for anger and nc.

I loved it when she was little and this was easy.

[twojaybirds]

I have always made my 18 dd a beautiful valentine along with a small gift... usually an old navy valentine shirt or the such.

Now I think her last birthday she  grabbed he gift cards, ignored the homemade gifts and split.  This Christmas the gifts were thrown into the house  in a fit forage 15minutes after she left.

She is in college and does need clothes but I wonder what to do.  I feel lie any valentine anything is setting up for Akashi yet not getting her something is a setup for anger and nc.

I loved it when she was little and this was easy.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Survive2012]

I understand your feelings. I have the same problem.

When my son 15 needs new jeans, for example, I buy the kind which is similar to those he likes, good size and style and then I take away all the paper labels or anything that shows it's new and put them in his wardrobe.

He knows it's new but it's not wrapped or with a card so he hasn't any obligation to aknowlege and it works.

Hope it's going to work for you too! Have a good day,

Survive

[lbjnltx]

Hello 2jay,

This is an important topic that you bring up. 

When our children don't react or respond in the way we  expect them to it can be painful for us.  Our expectations can set us up for disappointment.

I think that it is bigger really than just the giving of a "gift".  We can look at the bigger picture from this context still.

What is a "gift"?  To me it is giving without expectation. How do I know that I am giving without expectation?  My experiences tell me that if I have a negative reaction to  rejection then somewhere I have expectations attached to my "gift".

It is only human for us to want to receive a positive response to an act of love. So what do we do when our acts of love are rejected?

We can lower our expectations, focus on the giving of love as an act of free will, and let go of the outcome. 

Here is an article to help understand the positive reasons to lower expectations:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/support-child-therapy#1

How can we lower our expectations?... .  By being mindful of what motivates us to give the gift... .  (to offer a token of our love), not personalizing thier response, by reframing past experiences in our minds.

Any one of these may be more meaningful for an individual than another.  What ever "speaks" to us the most as a point of reference is good.  If we want to change the relationship we must change how we view the relationship and that begins with our own internal processes.

How we reduce the negative impact on self is a personal growth process. It might be one of the above mentioned, it might be learning higher level coping skills other than these... .  perhaps some of the DBT skills, perhaps our emotional boundaries need work.

What do you think 2jay?

[twojaybirds]

I don't expect love and kisses and praises for my gift however when the Christmas gifts were thrown back at me through an open door as she was threatening to call the cops I think perhaps no gifts are better

Then I also believe she will feel that horrid rejection if I don't acknowdge such holidays as we have always done

It's just that rock and hard place again.   

If she lived here I think Survives idea is brilliant  but she doesn't

[lbjnltx]

I don't expect love and kisses and praises for my gift however when the Christmas gifts were thrown back at me through an open door as she was threatening to call the cops I think perhaps no gifts are better

Then I also believe she will feel that horrid rejection if I don't acknowdge such holidays as we have always done

It's just that rock and hard place again.   

If she lived here I think Survives idea is brilliant  but she doesn't

It appears that the last two times you gave her gifts it was a negative experience.

Since this is causing you pain ... .  what can you do?  You point out that not giving her a gift could also have a negative consequence.  Yes, that rock and a hard place where we find ourselves living.

Where is your power in these situations?

Could you re examine expectations?

Could you give some thought to your emotional boundaries?

Could you communicate your feelings and needs to her and ask her how she would like to handle these events going forward in the "I feel... .  I need... .  " format... .  How do you feel? What do you need?

Is the gift giving for you or for her?  Both I suspect.  Where is the balance?

[cfh]

twojaybirds

Seems that you are looking for a practical solution to the Valentine dilemma.  Yes you are between a rock and a hard place.

It doesn't seem as though you are looking for praise but rather your family had some traditions. Ours does too.

My ds was in a very bad place when it was his birthday last May.  I didn't feel like celebrating it but also didn't want to hurt him by ignoring it because he was in a fragile state.

He wasn't living with us so I found a card that sounded authentic (most were just not appropriate for the moment).

If your dd is away can you just send a card? 

If you do nothing it might hurt her but I understand how you don't feel like repeating the past events?

Since your family has the tradition of celebrating Valentines Day would just a card that says "I love you" do?

[Reality]

Survive2012's idea is a good one.  Buy the present and then be very nonchalant. 

"Oh, I found you something for Valentines."  Expect no response.  Then wait, till life is very dull, months later and find out whether they liked the gift.

These pwBPD are exhausted just living.  Their pain is clouding daily life.  They are trying to make their way in a world that seems to thwart their beings.  Picture them with first degree burns.  I think Valerie or Marsha says something like that... .  

Give away, if you feel like it.  Just expect nothing.  It is what it is.  Be patient.

Would a sense of humour help?

Reality

[Thursday]

2JBirds,

I've been thinking about this post of yours as it concerns my dBPDSD21.

Christmas has come and gone yet again, my experiences with her during the holidays left me feeling kind of empty

After many, many disappointing Christmases, blindsided by BPD, no longer bitter or upset with her nor confrontational with her Dad... .  thankfully... .  

but empty still.

The following paragraph will hopefully paint a picture of the reality of this situation, our particular borderline situation.

This Christmas... .  she spent very little time with us- came at about 8:50 AM, stayed through gift opening and breakfast until about 2PM (after a nap). During the time she was here she was pleasant. However, she wasn't helpful on any level except lip-service (you know, asking if she can help after the work is all done), she recieved gifts with thank yous but gave neither gifts nor any sort of explaination as to why she wasn't giving any gifts, she balked at our invite to sleep at our home on Christmas Eve (she said "No thanks, I don't like sleeping on an air matress" and she knows the one we have is a nice quality air bed placed in a private room with it's own bathroom and grrrrrr last year she made a big deal about the actual bed in the room making too much noise and she chose to sleep on the floor instead and in reality the reason we don't have two spare beds is that she took her bed when she moved out and lost it when she had to move out of the place she was renting because she lost her job because she overslept and didn't show up twice)

2jbirds, we have had a Christmas like you describe, maybe no gifts thrown but hearing a yelled "Merry F-bomb Christmas" is pretty sad, if you ask me.

This year she left as soon as she could without being completely gross about it,  to spend time with friends.

She is so NOT invested in this or any other holiday tradition. I, however, love holidays and don't want to be bah-humbug about any of them. I want to give. I like to connect what a person enjoys with something I can find for them, hope it shows them that I'm not missing out on what is important to them. I don't expect this from her and understand everyone has their own path with holidays and gifting.

I also want this celebration idea to have some meaning... .  and I've decided I don't need for it to be "about her"-  the desire to give and the hope that my efforts will have some meaning don't need to be wasted either. Excluding her would feel really crappy. No doubt about that.

It still sucks though, to have to give so much thought to what should just be joy, and baking, and crafty gift wrapping and my special pair of Christmas Candy Cane Striped Chuck Taylor's.

I have hopes that recieving gifts will give her a window into how great it feels to do for someone else. I do understand that her personality disorder keeps her from being able to get this together. One year she was working and not spending every last cent on her lifestyle and she gave everyone gifts and we were all so appreciative and noticed her thoughfulness and she glowed

I have that happy memory tucked inside me heart.

I don't feel like my SD is doing much to praise at this point in her life. I hate being a hypocrite so I don't overpraise if she isn't doing anything that warrants praise but I see so much value in noticing her efforts, even when minimal, and encouraging her to continue and telling her she's done well. Sometimes she will continue. We need her to continue as otherwise she is in danger of truly falling and otherwise she is in danger of being an ongoing financial burden and I am truly worried about that as we are in our 50s.

I can do this "praise of the unspectacular" thing for her and have pleasant conversations without being someone I don't like- this ends up feeling good to me, this awareness that she doesn't work like everyone else and that she has limitations, and knowing she might need some sort of boost (V-A-L-I-D-A-T-I-O-N) I am glad that I am letting go of expectations that she won't or can't live up to. That clearly wasn't a fair place to dwell. That was really crappy of me.

But, keeping it real, not having expectations feels crappy! She is mentally ill and maybe won't get everything out of life that life has to offer. That is what I wanted for her. Giving up on some of my expectations for her feels a bit like grief. Maybe I will become accustomed to this. I am not yet.

So, this year, with   s on my mind, after all (in March I had a heart attack of my own) , I'm giving my Valentine's budget as a donation to the American Heart Association and giving her a card that says so. I will likely get the same "big whoop" reaction as normal but at least I can feel like something  good has taken place  in an arena that is bigger than normal. I feel sure this is a win-win.

lbjnltx says,

How we reduce the negative impact on self is a personal growth process

and that says a mouthful. LBJNLTX, I am aware of your Christianity but that quote is awesome in it's zen-ness!

So, going forward, I really don't have much choice, done what I could, so proceed with reducing the negative impact on self to achieve personal growth.

Seriously, I'm printing it out and posting it on the fridge.

Thursday

[twojaybirds]

WOW THursday how clear and a great message to remember. 

I've more to say but thats all I cna muster right now - thnaks