Wrong reaction to my dd. Thankful for the do overs.

[peaceplease]

Today, I know that I reacted in wrong way when my dd told me something disturbing about my dh.  I asked her why she would tell me something that she knows would upset me.  I asked why she did not tell my dh that his remark was inappropriate.  She told me that he starts yelling, if she makes any type of remark.  I thought about it for awhile, and she was right.  I was wrong for being angry with her.  

My dh made an inappropriate comment to my dd.  He was talking about some girl that he used to date.  Then he said the only reason that he went out with her was because she was good in bed.  My dh does make some inapropriate comments at times, and I don't know what to do with it.  eg.  One time we were watching a movie, (my dd and my dh and I) and my dh says I bet you wouldn't mind going to bed with him.  At the time, I told him that was really inappropriate.  Then he reacted with, "Oh I forgot you are such a saint,  You act like you are perfect."

This is one thing about my dh - If I ask him to curtail the f bomb, he gets defensive.  He tells me not to lecture him.  And, he is tired of my holy roly.  And, that I wasn't like that when I met him.

It is like I am married to two guys.   I would love to leave the dh that makes inappropriate comments.  That gets defensive whenever he hears something that he does not want to hear.  He takes it as telling him that he is flawed.  I want to stay with the dh that is so helpful and loving.  He was so helpful when my brother was sick.  He stayed nights with my brother at hospital because he would try to get out of bed.  He was a big risk for falls.  He wakes up early to take my dd to the methadone clinic.  He picks her up from work at night.

Oh, another bad trait of my dh, he is the biggest hyocrite.  A pot calling the kettle black.  Being an opiate addict, he feels that he is not as bad as my kids.  They are "junkies".  My dd gets methadone everyday, and he will make comments about the methadone getting to her brain.   And, yet, he is on vicodin prescribed by a dr.   He was in suboxone treatment, but was dropped because he had a positive drug test.  He told me that he tested positive for thc, and he only had one or two hits of a joint.   Anyways, he ended going back on vicodin.  However, he sees himself as a functioning addict, so he is not like the other"junkies".

Last night, my dh was telling me that my dd needs psychological help but she thinks there is nothing wrong with her.  I told him that is so far from the truth.  She knows that she needs help.  However, he does not see that he can use some help, himself.  He sees anyone that goes for counseling as classified as "crazy".  Told me that I did not need to be in therapy when I went a few years ago.  

I know that my dd would love for me to leave my dh.  But, he does not look at the whole pictue.  And, I don't have the stamina to pick her up from work when she gets off at night.  Also, to get up early in the morning.

I apologized to my dd after I thought about it.  I told her that I was wrong.  I am sorry that my dh said that, and he can be inappropriate at times.  I am sorry that he made you feel uncomfortable.  I would not want to hear that from a stepfather.  It is really icky.  Then she thanked me.  Also, agreed with her that my dh can get mean when you tell him that he is wrong.  And, I guess that I need to see a counselor about how to deal with that problem.  She told me that it wasn't my fault, and it was him.  I agreed, but I still need to get back into therapy.

I am glad that I had a do over.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi peaceplease,

Glad to see you here and sorry to hear the difficulties in your relationship with your husband.  Perhaps he has a very loud internal critic... .  hypersensitive to others rejection... .  ie... .  if I make a mistake I am bad, if others point out I made a mistake I am unlovable and in danger of being abandoned, etc... .  I hope he will get some help for his low self image issues.

I think you did the right thing in the end... .  with your d... .  the do over... .  admitting when we are wrong and apologizing... .  then using the skills you know... .  Great stuff!

 

lbj

[griz]

peaceplease:

I am so glad that you had the ability to "redo" with your dd.  I think it is important for them to see us take responsibility when we are wrong.  I had a similar thing happen on Thursday night.  My DD repeated something to me that I had said over a year ago. She told me how bad it made her feel.  I thought about what she said and I told her that she was right and I apologized.  It was one of the moments as a parent when you say the wrong thing.  I didn't even remember it until she brought it up and looking back I realized she was right, I handled a situation all wrong.  I am grateful that I was able to have a "redo" and say I was sorry.

My dh also will say things once in a while that is completely inappropriate.  I remember one time we were driving with DD in the back of the car and he was telling a story about how when he was a teen he went to a party and went on and on about how drunk and stoned he had gotten.  I was thinking to myself... .  why would you go there.  I'm was no saint as a teen however I don't feel a need to wear those moments as a badge especially in front of my children.  My dh also becomes very defensive when I mention anything to him. I just try to gently point things out.

Griz