Filed but still can't hold boundaries

[thinkingthinking]

Filed for divorce from my dBPDh about a week ago.  This felt good in the sense of making a decision, but I still am having a very difficult time maintaining boundaries.  We've been separated since October, but he still walks in the house any time he wants.  His name is on the mortgage, so I can't really stop him from doing this. It just leaves me on edge.  He has never been physically abusive, but I do not want to have any more discussions about how I'm "mean" and "not the same person", or about how he just can't understand how I can give up this easy. (We've been married 22 years, so ir really has not been too easy)

He continues to insist that I give him hugs and he'll try to kiss me.  When I don't or pull away, he acts like I'm evil.  When trying to set up times for getting the kids, he won't commit to any certain time or for how long he is going to have them.  I know I can probably ask for some legal help on some of these issues, but am worried that it is going to make everything more contentious when it comes to settlement.

Filing is one step, but I still feel like my life is on hold.  Our debt is enormous because of the multiple purchases throughout our married life and a failed business.  I'm anxious to get out of the house we're in, but can't move until after the divorce.

Looking for any help/suggestions on how to hold boundaries and move on with my life during the divorce process!

[Matt]

I went through this phase - separated, both names on the mortgage, and I was making house payments.

I continued to come and go as I pleased, for a number of reasons.  My lawyer told me, "If Mrs. Matt doesn't have a problem with it, fine.  But if she objects, the law is on her side, and you better comply with it."

The reason is - where I live - the person who lives there has a right to it, no matter who owns the house or pays the mortgage.  If asked, "Where do you sleep at night?", my answer would have been my new place.  I wasn't living in our marital home.  So the police and courts would have sided 100% with her - I could be considered trespassing.

Your situation is probably like my wife's was.  You can choose to leave it as is, or to set and maintain a boundary.  Work it out with your lawyer so you know you're on solid legal ground.  It might be - via e-mail or lawyers - "I live at 1313 Mockingbird Lane, and you do not.  If you come there without my permission, I will take appropriate legal action."  And change the locks.

Schedules are another tough one, during this phase.  You need temporary orders in place - find out how to do that and do it soon - maybe you can get them in place within days or weeks.

In the meantime, use e-mail so there is a record.  Keep it very simple - no emotions.  Propose what you think will work well for all, and be receptive if he proposes something else that will work.

We need a regular schedule for the kids so we can all plan accordingly.  I think it would work best if they are with me from 6:00 p.m. Sunday through 6:00 p.m. Friday, and with you over the weekends.  I can drop them off and pick them up at your place.  Please let me know if there is a different schedule that would work best.

How old are the kids?  Maybe worth consulting them about the schedule too - they may have preferences you can take into account.

Then file for temporary orders holding this schedule til the divorce is settled (except holidays and summer vacation).  So it will be a court thing and not something he can change any time he wants.

Hugs and stuff - just walk away.  If he "acts like you're evil", ignore that.  You need emotional distance, and probably physical distance too.

[Matt]

About getting a lawyer... .  

You can meet with several.  You don't need to give any of them a retainer til you're sure.  But you can ask them questions, like about the house and temporary orders.

If you intend to go through with the divorce, and if your husband has BPD, or some BPDish behaviors (like not respecting boundaries), you will need an attorney who is experienced with cases like yours.  Trying to get through the divorce without one will probably lead to problems.

[hithere]

You are going to have to get a lawyer involved eventually, so now might be a good time.  I doubt dragging this on is going to make him any let contentious.

[ForeverDad]

Then file for temporary orders holding this schedule til the divorce is settled (except holidays and summer vacation).  So it will be a court thing and not something he can change any time he wants.

You can take a page from his playbook.  Blaming.  When you inform him of your rules, blame the court.  Say, "The court wants us to file a schedule for child exchanges, the court wants us to start learning to live separate lives so your place is yours and this is mine, the court wants... .  "  If that doesn't work, blame the lawyers.  You need to keep the blaming, pressure and coercion off you.  Let the lawyers and court take the brunt of the blaming.

Trying to avoid conflict will put you on the defensive too much, appear weak or indecisive, or not standing up for yourself and the children when you need to.

He won't behave better if he doesn't have to behave better.  If you set your boundaries and keep them firm, he will probably try to overwhelm them at first (research "extinction bursts" but in time he'll realize you mean business and aren't budging and he may grudgingly accept your boundaries, more of less.

[seeking balance]

If I were you, I would brush up on the DEARMAN communication techniques from the staying board - having a communication strategy can help to keep things from escalating ... .  it isn't foolproof - but at least you are doing everythign you can to insure good communication.

DEARMAN really does work well and does take practice on your part.

[whirlpoollife]

I filed 8 months ago , stbxh had to move out end of last year. 27 yr marriage. I changed the locks on the house immediately. so when you do get an order for him not to come back in, change the locks, well worth the money. I have recently gone to the local crisis shelter. It took me many drive by's and sitting in the parking lot to then go in. why? because of the length of my marriage and h didn't beat me. (even though he held me down physically.)  I felt the shame and blame. But once I went in, they were open arms to me. I wish I went there along time ago. they have resources to gain strength and learn boundaries and can offer legal resources.

[scraps66]

from my experience, field 8/2008, lived together until ex had me booted, 2/2010, it wasn't until "she" had me booted was she convinced that this divorce was going to happen.  As long as we were together she felt it just wasn't going to happen. She didn't work for a solid year, but, then when she found a job, after us living together for a year, she had me booted from the house. 

So, it sound as if this scenariomay be running it's course.  I'm not advocating unilaterally doing what my ex did, fabricate false allegations and seize exclusive possession of the house.  But, it does sound like being apart may move things along quicker, or at least make things less "edgey" when he's around. Possibly there is a way of discussing alterante housing arrangements with him, if not, you may need to take matters inot your own hands and file for exclusive possession of the house if it creates a more workable - safer - environment.

As far as looking for attorneys, I have been throgh three.  One thing I really wish I had done in selecting an attorney was go to family court and watch some hearings and trials for a day or two.  Talk to the people working in the courthouse and find out who the good attorneys are, and then compile my notes and talk to a couple.