Staying strong when BPDD on the warpath - bf breakup

[qcarolr]

I copied this from my reply on another thread. I need you all today to stay strong in my resolves.

DD came home last night (gone 2 days - left after text from bf that "I am done", but I did not talk with her until today (settling gd for night).And it is another tough breakup with bf - her method to cope is vengeful transfer of anger. She even said this to me today - and revenge is so justified in her mind. She wants to share with me, yet as soon as I suggest there is another way, she shifts into attack mode "see, I can't share anything with you cause you turn it against me'. I listened for an hour to the litany of harrassing actions she took with about everyone she was with past couple days, then retreated to my home office to log into work. Told her I was working at home so could give her a ride to her T appt. at 11. She has chosen not to go to appt. Wants a ride to town WITH HER DOG. This dog is very anxious with attack response - every time DD takes her to the park to visit ex-bf (he was there when she adopted this pup from humane society while they were homeless together in 2011) I am called to get the dog because she attacks someone.

So I have said I will not drive her to town today. I am working at home. Offered to drop her off when I go to my bible study tomorrow morning. Now to stick to this. Esp. when gd gets home from school. DD was constantly picking at gd this morning and our routine - and openly criticizing my every move with gd. I am taking gd right after school to a couple of neighbors with her girl scout cookie form - they asked at the bus-stop today to order some. Just hope she figures out a way to leave without the dog on her own - maybe find somone to give her a ride. Or we can survive her until I am going to town tomorrow.

I HAVE TO STICK TO THIS BOUNDARY. IF SHE GETS PHYSICAL I HAVE TO CALL THE POLICE. IF SHE IS HARRASSING GD I WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE WITH GD TO GO SHOPPING OR SOMETHING UNTIL DH GETS HOME.

Sorry for 'yelling' here - but I need to yell so not to breakdown and cry. THis is so hard so hard.

I did say to her that she needed to take today off after all the harrassing she had done the past couple days. That did not go over very well       That brought the comment about not sharing with me... .    I was feeling bad about that not being validating for a little while, but realize now I did the best available to express my feelings about how she is treating her friends. She is even 'teaching' one of her friends how to be more aggressive. YIKES.

This is one of the hardest things for me to understand and accept about DD. How vengeful she is when crossed, and how aware she is that she is harrassing and even assaulting others, and how justified she feels about it. Yet, maybe there is just a spark of remorse in that she wants to share this with me. Is she hoping I will give her support in her methods? Well, I let her know otherwise in as validating way that I could, then walked back to my home office.

I did agree that she could be very intimidating and that I have experienced this with her. "mom, you don't even know. you are such a coward - you cower and this justs make me want to attack you more"   She hasn't done this for almost a year - getting 2 inches from my face with her chest almost touching my chest, daring me to touch her. That makes it my fault - self defense. That is how she described the reactions of her now exbf last night. It took her two days to track him down and corner him on a balcony at a mutual friends apt.  He was trying to ignore her. He has seen how vicious she can be with her two preivous guy r/s endings. So far he has gotten off pretty well - but DD is most likely not done harrassing him yet.

And then she wonders why the friend group shuns her at times. SHe just does not get it. ANd is not interested in getting it. She said to me this morning - "mom, after I 'got my stuff back' from "M" I felt so much better". This is her excuse for harrassement - that she needs to get her stuff back. In this case it was two necklaces and a bandana around his neck that she basically riped off of him.  And he knows if the police got involved, she would be the victim and he would go to jail for a long time on assault.

DD has tortured all of her bf's like this since she was 15. "M" is the 9th one. And she always seems to get away with it.

I hope she either settles or leaves before gd7 gets home on the bus this afternoon. I will be keeping my cell phone in my pocket. She refuses to get any kind of treatment. Going to jail has only made things worse in the past. I am so sad today about having to be in a self-protection mode again.

I agree with others - if she will not accept treatment she will not change. The cycles will go on and on of 'good girl' vs. 'bad girl'. Today I wish she lived far away. She has made it clear this will never happen as long as we have custody of her daughter, that we stole from her.

Gotta get back to work. Not sure this vent will help me stay focused, but worth a try.

qcr :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello qcarol,

Oh so sorry to hear that the breakup cycle has started again... .  at this point her behavior is predictable and predictably unhealthy and damaging within relationships.

I am going to make a suggestion... .  go pick up gd at school... .  don't take a chance with her coming home on the bus and violence ensuing, don't come home until dh is there and you can take the temperature of the home environment and find out if dd has or has not left the house... .  perhaps it would be best if dh gave her the ride she wants (no dog).

Remember that the protection of gd is paramount to helping dd.

Praying for you and family.

 

lbj

[qcarolr]

I took the temperature an hour before the bus and things had cooled significantly. Now, this is an improvement over the past, sigh.  So gd is having girl scout cookies with her mom and the doggies, no more mention of going to town. Well, a snow storm is moving in now too - dampens things as well.

Yes, predictable. Yes, I have known it was coming. Always stunned by the intensity of Dd's vengefulness and self-righteousness.

If things were still hot, I had plans to meet gd's bus and get in the car and go somewhere for snack away from home. Gd is very clear about wanting her routine - she hates not riding the bus home like when we have our bi-weekly T appts. and I pick her up. Some of this has to do with riding the bus with her BFF. And they tie their backpacks together everyday hoping for a playdate. THis is the BFF's mom week, so no hope for playdate. Met at bus by grandpa - mom is at airport meeting her new bf. Next week, I reminded her, we can have two on the dad week.

Writing little notes and stuffing in my pockets today.

"When things are going OK I am overtaken by the illusion that this is because of me - my efforts with validation, boundaries, etc. Then when things follow the predictable pattern with distress in her life, and fall apart for DD, I see again what a grandiose idea that is. I have no power to create internal change in DD."

"Caution: Beware of Black and White thinking -- MY OWN"

So gd is out playing in the snow falling with the pup. Dd is napping on the sofa, responding with a nod to direct questions or comments from gd and I.

qcr  

[lbjnltx]

Hmmm... .  makes you wonder what all the fuss was about.

Be a stablizing force in the home... .  that which is constant in positive ways... .  live your faith, let hope be your motivation, let love light the path ahead that is in darkness.

 

lbj

[qcarolr]

Sitting quietly with 10000 thoughts - guess that is all the fuss that I unloaded here. Putting down in written words and not all over DD - guess that is the fuss. How do I stop the cascading of all this every time?

I think dh is accurte that my thinking is obsessive about DD. He actually told her that he is only a 'roommate' in this house now. This after she came home and I was puting gd to bed.

Do I play 'little god' in my home, with my family. Like I am in control - or the illusion of control?

I do have faith - it is not strong enough. Or I am not weak enough.

Coming back after reading some other posts. Some of my distress, for myself, is that I enjoyed having DD gone for the two days. Was having fantasy of her not living with us and how much more peaceful it would be, how much more energy I would have for my r/s with dh, how much easier being a grandma would be. Then the guilt comes in - that in ways I wish DD would just go away, far away, and call me once in a while. She could have her power trips, drug trips, and she could do it all without worries of the stories she tells me or truths she denies me.

Am I feeling sorry for myself here? Dh reminded me yesterday while DD was gone that sometime in next month or two she will be in jail for probation violation. We will get a break then. But not really - she will still expect me to be there for her while in jail. I just want to be done with it today.

qcr