A new uBPD relationship and seemingly endless games

[grad]

I initially met my 24 y/o uBPDgf about 1.5 years ago but didn't start talking to her until 8 months ago.  She was already involved with someone and sort of had plans to make it long-term but as soon as he started talking marriage she got cold feet and started to reconnect with her on/off ex of 11 years. She made advances towards me to gauge my interest even going as far to ask her why i hadn't asked her out yet to which I replied the girls I like are usually seeing someone already.  I'm 37 years old and only been in 1 serious relationship resulting in a 4 y/o daughter.

About 4 months ago she left her live-in boyfriend (who she also worked with and was probably using him for work-related benefits) and went back to her ex and started renting a house together.  She said she quickly realized it was a mistake and I could see she was becoming more destructive and emotional. About 1 month in they ran into some legal issues and he violated probation and was facing new charges and ran, without her to another state.  After this falling out she started seeing me shortly thereafter, and we went right into the honeymoon phase. 

The chemistry was always there from the moment we first met, but now it was all coming to fruition.  We began by dating and then the romance began to heighten.  After 2 weeks she was starting bf/gf conversations and even the occasional blackout drunk "i love you" during sex or while making out.  I even began to experience her push-pull mostly related to several instances of her wanting to go home after a night out drinking but this was unreasonable because she was intoxicated and lived an hour away.  After about 10-15 minutes of trying to talk some sense into her she'd digress and stay the night and everything was fine.  Another 2 weeks pass by with minor incident and she asks about the commitment again and we decide to be official.  Then there was an occasion where I didn't suck up to her cry for attention and told her to go ahead and leave and that i was tired of the games (and didnt want to escalate it because my daughter was home) and she left for about 5 minutes before texting me to reconcile.  When she returned a 15 minutes later after buying cigarettes, we made up very quickly and she said she'd "never come back before."  Then everything was fine for the next week until she dropped

a bombshell, she wanted to see other people but also see me as well.  Her excuses were:

1) she could give me so much more but with her current circumstances she felt like she couldn't give me enough

2) She wanted to be free

3) She'd never really dated before

At first I didn't know how to react, I already suspected she had BPD but wasn't familiar with the behavior of the disorder other than fear of abandonment.  I was upset, questioned the timing (she did it while i was at work), and after having dealt with so many of her games over the past few months (mostly innocent little tests) because of her anxiety and insecurity, I was wondering if this was yet another one.  This was just a week or two earlier she was talking about how she is only interested in long-term pursuits with relationships.  After shutting down the conversation with little incident withdrew to let this settle and see how I would feel the next day.  I went through her texts to try and discern exactly what she was expecting of me and I realized she didn't want to end the relationship, but re-open it up.  I started thinking about this and felt that it was too soon to be committed (although I already feel we connect at a level few ppl can and could see myself with her long-term), I wanted to give it more time to develop and am confident enough in my what we have to not fear losing her.  I, myself was diagonosed with NPD, but I'm a highly functioning and level-headed NPD.  I don't even think I really have NPD other than I'm intelligent, arrogant, condescending and know my limitations and how to exploit them well (however only for good purposes).

So the next day I texted her to meet up and discuss this in person and she agreed for the next day.  Before she came over, I decide I need to figure out how this is going to affect me and our relationshp.  I texted her to ask her what she was expecting of me and we settled on our status, "be friends, hang out, and see where it goes."  I decided we'd keep remain the same, just without the label--intensely affectionate and nearly inseparable (when we're with each other).  She shows up, we hug and make out immediately, cuddle for a few minutes on the couch and make out some more, then she left for work.  It was like nothing had changed and she was mostly receptive.  So apparently I'm still in that WHITE category and perhaps not out of the honeymoon phase yet.

Now for the reasons I suspect she has BPD:

1) her and her 1 year older sister were molested by her step father from age 4-8 ending after he was involved in an auto accident

2) she has cut herself (wrist and thigh) in a blackout emotionally charged state

3) need to control relationships passively (unable to plan for the future and constant last-minute changes in plans)

4) She seems like a natural extrovert (life of the party) but due to her past she's become introverted

5) Never bonded to or had a close relationship with her mother

6) Alcohol and drug abuse

She's only really ever pursued serious relationships and had loyalty issues with all of them.  Currently I don't think she's interested in anyone too seriously although there is a new interest from work who won't stop texting her and I don't believe him to be a threat, more of an annoyance she can use to test me my insecurity.  I've never complained about it because I think I'm better for her than anyone else.

Anyhow, this thread is the start of my journey into the abyss that is BPD for someone I know and love yet cannot connect to emotionally, and I hope everyone here will help me understand this dynamic from both sides.

[tuum est61]

Hi grad,



You've done a good job of giving us your story.  It is certainly a challenge to try to rationalize our love for someone who can be so uncertain and difficult.  You've done well coming here.  

Given your own diagnosis with NPD, you might want to look up the book at the below. There's a natural affinity between a pwBPD and a pwNPD - to some extent you were "made for each other", but that is a myth that will crash hard into reality if you are not prepared.  I don't think I am NPD, but I definitely have a bit of a bullying approach to things and it wasn't helpful.

Please don't take offense, but I recognize some of my approach in how you describe yours, and it didn't work for my uBPDw.  I have found much relief here. 

You will too.   

The Narcissistic / Borderline Couple

[grad]

So I decided that this relationship needed to end.  After what she said, I couldn't accept going back to just dating (even though it was only just a month of a serious relationship).  At first it started with texting her to see if she wanted to spend some time with me this saturday but after an hour of thinking about it and my daughter, I realized she probably wouldn't be able to maintain a healthy relationship and didn't want her behavior negatively affecting my daughter.  So I sent a follow up message telling her nevermind, that she was right and I deserved more than she could offer me and the constant games and emotional instability wouldn't work when I had to raise a daughter.  I wished her the best and then slept well last night.

I then sent a followup this morning telling her how I felt, that I loved her (unconditionally) the entire time and dating her just reinforced that belief, that what she did hurt me and that couldn't hate her or disagree with what she did, but thinking of her being with someone else made me feel empty. I also told her I wasn't in love with her and that it would have taken months of continuity to completely let go. I told her I still wanted to remain on friendly terms (we hang out at the same places) and that i would likely run into her again.

I just felt like I had to get it out to move on and accept things the way they are.  I know giving pwBPD more info is giving them more ammunition, but truly felt I had to let her know how I felt the entire time so that she wasn't confused as to what I was feeling the entire time we were dating.

Here's to recovery and moving on... .