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Author Topic: Anyone confronted them with BPD?  (Read 3414 times)
nylonsquid
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« on: January 29, 2013, 12:34:52 PM »

Wondering if anyone has confronted their partner with the BPD symptoms and suggest they may have it. I'd like to know what the repercussions or reaction is.

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« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2013, 12:39:14 PM »

My exBPDgf... reminded her... she had told me that when she was in grad school she went in for counseling and the idiot/moron... (insert bad words) T, had diagnosed her BPD. I reminded her... she told me no, she had seen another one and was told she was just "unstable."  Her picture should be in the encyclopedia next to BPD... .  no question of it. I would say reaction was mostly hostile and denial.

Good luck ... .  if you tell them I am not sure what it accomplishes... nothing good as far as I can tell. She blames all problems on other people.
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« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2013, 12:47:04 PM »

Wondering if anyone has confronted their partner with the BPD symptoms and suggest they may have it. I'd like to know what the repercussions or reaction is.

look at it this way, if your partner told you "I think you have a severe mental illness" - how would you respond?

My ex and I had the conversation, had therapists, MC - the whole deal - ultimately, does it really matter? 

There is a point that anyone - (BPD or non) - looks in the mirror and realizes, I cannot control anyone but myself... .  what am I going to do to change.

Until this decision is made by oneself - change is not likely.

Telling a pwBPD - "you have BPD" is not going to change anything other than lose credibility and trust.

What do you hope to gain by telling her?
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« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2013, 12:50:17 PM »

Wondering if anyone has confronted their partner with the BPD symptoms and suggest they may have it. I'd like to know what the repercussions or reaction is.

look at it this way, if your partner told you "I think you have a severe mental illness" - how would you respond?

My ex and I had the conversation, had therapists, MC - the whole deal - ultimately, does it really matter? 

There is a point that anyone - (BPD or non) - looks in the mirror and realizes, I cannot control anyone but myself... .  what am I going to do to change.

Until this decision is made by oneself - change is not likely.

Telling a pwBPD - "you have BPD" is not going to change anything other than lose credibility and trust.

What do you hope to gain by telling her?

she was diagnosed with ptsd but she lies she told me she is a pathological lier so she was never real with the therapist i told her she needs to just go see someone she was mad and attacked me verbally
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« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2013, 12:56:23 PM »

Mine originally told me that she had thought she was at some point. Then, during the first breakup, she said that I was, which brought me here. As things piralled more and more into crazypants land: population me, I did point out the similarities our interactions were having with BPD involved relationships in an effort for her to understand what was hurting me and why. This of course was a mistake and I never mentioned it again, but I assure you was constantly reminded how I fit the criteria. I brought this mistake I made up to my therapist and asked her, "What if she's right? What if my perception is so skewed that I just can't see it?"

She responded, "I think I would have picked up on that and you've always been so mindful and open to solutions, I would not have a problem telling you and getting to work on it."

The point is, that its not a good idea. It gets mentioned a lot on here and I have not read one thread where it worked out well. Furthermore, they are our exes, so what is the real motivation of telling them? Is it REALLY to help them, because I dont think that is our place any more. I think that in a lot of cases it is just a way for us to hope that it will soothe ourselves in some matter. That is a selfish motivation if it applies and will not only be nonproductive for them, but for us as well.

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« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2013, 12:56:40 PM »

i guess people are hoping there BPD will be like aha now that i now ill take the time to change ... .  there has to be something major that shakes them for them to say i want to change
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« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2013, 12:57:35 PM »

I think deep down inside my exBPDbf knows.  He recycled his ex wife a few times and would describe HER behavior to me.  Never having had experience with anything he was describing I did the research for him and what he described was 100% BPD.  I brought my findings to his attention and we discussed BPD in length.  The interesting thing was that I continued to learn about it and he didn't really want to.  That should have been a clue I guess.  I believed more of what he said back them and witnessed very immature behavior by her, but now I have to wonder ... .  they were married for 27 years ... .  was she really BPD also? or was he projecting on her, as he probably did their entire marriage.  I know if I mentioned it to him he would say I was crazy and accused EVERYONE of being BPD, but I also think that deep down inside he knows.  I occasionally think of telling him I know, as I'm sure that would end any chance of him trying to recycle me in the future.
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« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2013, 01:08:40 PM »

keep in mind the nature of the disorder... .  

maladaptive coping methods (gaslighting, projection, drugs, etc) to avoid extreme pain usually associated with abandonment.  so, using this logic - if  you accuse your pwBPD of having a severe mental illness - isn't that pressing hard on the abandonment button?

as such, wouldn't it actually be logical to see a maladaptive coping method - ie projection "no, you are the borderline".

Tami Green on youtube who is recovered  BPD has a talk on how her T helped her process the disorder.  She had all 9 criteria at the time, yet she would not/could not see it - her brain literally didn't register it.  The T had to go about it by asking "what would it look like in every day life with XYZ criteria" and only after talking it through of what it would look like could she wrap her head around it.

Again, the only change we can contol is ourselves - telling someone they are mentally ill may seem like a good idea, but deep down it is really selfish on our part.  We want them to change so we can be happy... .  

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« Reply #8 on: January 29, 2013, 01:12:31 PM »

Wondering if anyone has confronted their partner with the BPD symptoms and suggest they may have it. I'd like to know what the repercussions or reaction is.

look at it this way, if your partner told you "I think you have a severe mental illness" - how would you respond?

Excerpt
I'd think it's quite fascinating and I'd be excited to find out the truth Smiling (click to insert in post)

My ex and I had the conversation, had therapists, MC - the whole deal - ultimately, does it really matter? 

There is a point that anyone - (BPD or non) - looks in the mirror and realizes, I cannot control anyone but myself... .  what am I going to do to change.

Until this decision is made by oneself - change is not likely.

Excerpt
I look forward to moving on. I do miss me taking care of her and the honeymoon stage but I also know that I'm unhappy with her. I wish her the best but I also love her. Not 'in love'. I just sit here watching her like a headless chicken get into the next relationship to cover her wounds. I sometimes see she has enough awareness that maybe I could squeeze the idea in and help her. Maybe help her in her next relationship. I'm unsure. Don't have a plan really.

Telling a pwBPD - "you have BPD" is not going to change anything other than lose credibility and trust.

Excerpt
Perhaps suggesting i.e. telling her what her pattern is from a bird's eye view. Telling her what goes on in her head and what actions she is taking. Not blaming, but almost blaming things on stress, because after all this is really what triggers them a lot of times.

What do you hope to gain by telling her?

Excerpt
Great question! I'm trying to find out my true incentives but it seems like it's just help. I feel sorry for her just running around like that in pain. If anyone understands her then I do. I can't imagine anyone learning so much and dedicating time to understand her as much as I have. If I can at least support her and nudge her in a direction that is helpful to her. I think that's my motivation. I still dread being with  her. Though I admit, I am still attracted to her. We have a perfect "love to be needed and need to be loved" dynamic. It's intoxicating.


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« Reply #9 on: January 29, 2013, 01:15:51 PM »

An ex said to me "Newton, I really think you should see a therapist, I hate to see you suffering like this".  I loved and trusted her, I knew she had said it from a caring place and I found a great T. I was so relieved to find out I had been suffering from long term severe depression as a reult of that conversation  Smiling (click to insert in post)

PwBPD, however, are in a constant state of denial. It keeps them "safe" from the reality. If we suggest they need help it will be interpreted as telling them they are broken, wrong, and useless.

I shared my thoughts about possible BPD with one of my exs, it was like pouring gasoline on a fire.  I havent read one story here where this was well recieved, it seems they perceive it as another attack.
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« Reply #10 on: January 29, 2013, 01:25:21 PM »

so, using this logic - if  you accuse your pwBPD of having a severe mental illness - isn't that pressing hard on the abandonment button?

Excerpt
I don't see how it is. Is it like saying "you're not good enough/flawed and since I know you're not good enough I'm leaving you"?

Tami Green on youtube who is recovered  BPD has a talk on how her T helped her process the disorder.  She had all 9 criteria at the time, yet she would not/could not see it - her brain literally didn't register it.  The T had to go about it by asking "what would it look like in every day life with XYZ criteria" and only after talking it through of what it would look like could she wrap her head around it.

Excerpt
Interesting. I'll look that up.

Again, the only change we can contol is ourselves -
Excerpt
Right!

telling someone they are mentally ill may seem like a good idea, but deep down it is really selfish on our part.  We want them to change so we can be happy... .  
Excerpt
Really? I mean, I feel just fine. She is in constant pain and I want to support her. I'd like her to be happy. I've said this to her many times. "I want to be happy, I want you to be happy and if we can be happy together then that's what I'd like". Obviously this can be taken as abandonment. Haha. Anything is. Like when I say "the wall is white" she'd think it's too white in her room, I don't like it and will leave her if she doesn't change the color. :s


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« Reply #11 on: January 29, 2013, 01:30:45 PM »



This is who she is and you are trying to change her - your motive is because YOU want her to be happy... .  do you not see how this is a bit selfish on your part?

Again, we all want people we love to be happy - but you are posting on a leaving board... .  do you want to be on this board or are you undecided?

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« Reply #12 on: January 29, 2013, 01:30:51 PM »

PwBPD, however, are in a constant state of denial. It keeps them "safe" from the reality. If we suggest they need help it will be interpreted as telling them they are broken, wrong, and useless.

I shared my thoughts about possible BPD with one of my exs, it was like pouring gasoline on a fire.  I havent read one story here where this was well recieved, it seems they perceive it as another attack.

I got my exBPDgf on the second recycle that she should see a psychiatrist. She did! Under the impression that she's suffering from the loss of her father.

I've suggested she be patient because her actions happen under stress. I told her that it will be okay, she just needed patience. But I also told her what goes on in her head and the patterns she repeats. I wonder if she felt it was an attack...
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« Reply #13 on: January 29, 2013, 01:33:00 PM »

PwBPD, however, are in a constant state of denial. It keeps them "safe" from the reality. If we suggest they need help it will be interpreted as telling them they are broken, wrong, and useless.

I shared my thoughts about possible BPD with one of my exs, it was like pouring gasoline on a fire.  I havent read one story here where this was well recieved, it seems they perceive it as another attack.

I got my exBPDgf on the second recycle that she should see a psychiatrist. She did! Under the impression that she's suffering from the loss of her father.

I've suggested she be patient because her actions happen under stress. I told her that it will be okay, she just needed patience. But I also told her what goes on in her head and the patterns she repeats. I wonder if she felt it was an attack...

what happens when you ask a 2 year old to be patient?

pwBPD are emotional 2 year olds when triggered

I have to ask - what are you doing, if she is seeing a T and working on her stuff... .  exactly what are you doing to make the situation better?  How are you doing with radical acceptance, how are your DEARMAN and SET workshops going?

This is the leaving board, is this where you want to be?
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« Reply #14 on: January 29, 2013, 01:37:49 PM »

This is who she is and you are trying to change her - your motive is because YOU want her to be happy... .  do you not see how this is a bit selfish on your part?

Excerpt
I get it. It's a bit twisted. I can look at it like that for sure. How is this a better way to see things than offering help. If the poster above hadn't had someone suggest he seek help how would he have? If I hadn't suggested my ex see a therapist how could she have gotten better? Isn't love compassion and support? There's a trick here isn't there? If I let her go completely then she may have less of a chance to help herself. I can only try to be helpful when I feel that the person is crying for it.

Again, we all want people we love to be happy - but you are posting on a leaving board... .  do you want to be on this board or are you undecided?

Excerpt
Yea, I was wondering about just posting this on the Undecided because of the topic. I feel I'm done with the relationship. But I still care. Is that a problem with me? Is this fog? Guilt? Rescuer syndrome? Should people just quit on the people they care about when things don't work? Not sure.


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« Reply #15 on: January 29, 2013, 01:42:08 PM »

I told mine. He didnt like it much. No. He ran off for a while. But he came back and still wanted to be friends. He know something, but denies too.

Would also like to say that the reason i want him to get help is not so i can be happy... .  how long would that take?    The reason for me is because i care about him as a human being, why would i not want him to get help?
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« Reply #16 on: January 29, 2013, 01:47:21 PM »

  The reason for me is because i care about him as a human being, why would i not want him to get help?

This is a fair statement.

However, the friend dynamic is different than a romantic dynamic.

Ultimately, this is about boundaries - what are yours and why.  Telling someone out of kindness and letting go is your choice.  Again, the experts who study BPD suggest not telling them, let a professional do it - this is their expertise.

The nature of the disorder, an unprofessional telling them is harmful - although you think you are being nice or kind or caring - ultimately, the professionals suggest this is not the best way to handle.

Up to you whether to use the information or not.

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« Reply #17 on: January 29, 2013, 01:47:47 PM »

Hi Squid,

I was tempted to tell my ex he was crazy and then I realized it wasn't for his edification; it was so that I could feel superior to him.  I sat and thought about it and realized I knew something was wrong with him for a long time and part of the reason I stayed with him was because it made me feel better about myself to be with someone who was crazy.  What did that say about me?  I didn't stay to help him.  I stayed to avoid my own issues.

Often we feel compelled to point out the flaws in others because it's easier than acknowledging the flaws in ourselves.

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« Reply #18 on: January 29, 2013, 01:48:48 PM »

what happens when you ask a 2 year old to be patient?

pwBPD are emotional 2 year olds when triggered

I have to ask - what are you doing, if she is seeing a T and working on her stuff... .  exactly what are you doing to make the situation better?

Excerpt
Staying away now though she comes back crying and I end up soothing her pain. I know, it's a cycle. I try not to ignore her but I'm simply not engaging her.

 How are you doing with radical acceptance, how are your DEARMAN and SET workshops going?

Excerpt
Not sure. I think I have pretty good acceptance. I feel like I grieved enough that when we were together the second time I understood the situation. It was a relief to not be in a relationship with her. I'm working on spending most of my time enjoying my life (which I am) and not have a need to be on these boards. These boards I use whenever I have a thought, question or being objective. And thanks for asking these questions of me, SB Smiling (click to insert in post)  I never stop asking myself so much and that can be a problem that I have. I'm trying to live outwardly more than in my head.

This is the leaving board, is this where you want to be?

Excerpt
I've left the romantic relationship but I would like to be a supporter when possible. I would say, yes! I'm quite content with that too.


Thanks for questioning me.

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« Reply #19 on: January 29, 2013, 01:52:07 PM »

Would also like to say that the reason i want him to get help is not so i can be happy... .  how long would that take?    The reason for me is because i care about him as a human being, why would i not want him to get help?

My feelings exactly, LGO! Thanks for summarizing my feelings Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #20 on: January 29, 2013, 01:56:23 PM »

Thanks for the replies! I get the idea. Basically, it does more harm even attempting to show them a reality that is not theirs. Ah well. I'll give her support the way SHE needs not what I need. Obviously without compromising my comfort and happiness.
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« Reply #21 on: January 29, 2013, 02:01:37 PM »

to summarize (let me know if I am missing something)

1. you want to be on leaving & want to detach

2. you want your ex to know she has BPD traits

I strongly suggest you read article 9 - 10 false beliefs that keep us stuck... .  

Regarding telling your ex YOU THINK she has BPD traits, perhaps just let go and let her T deal with her.  She has a T, right?  Let her deal with her recovery and you get on the road to dealing with yours.  This was the best advice a senior advisor gave me when I first got here... .  you are on the leaving board, she has a T, it's time for you to focus on you.
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« Reply #22 on: January 29, 2013, 02:01:58 PM »

When we were together i pleaded with my ex to go get help she attacked me ... now we are not together i want to help her but i cant not my place and im not going to sit around and watch if she is going to spiral back into her illness or make good strides in life i want to heal from my damage. she left me she decided i was a threat. and im learning to be ok with that. im going to be fine and that's her lost i win my sanity back i love her and i pray to god he helps her but thats between them not me. Heal you we are not there care takers anymore they made that decision you got your life live it
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« Reply #23 on: January 29, 2013, 02:10:20 PM »

Your right the professional dont recommend it. I did it anyway. Hes not suicidal, hes high fuctioning, so i made a judgement call. He came back so apparently it didnt kill him. He already knows he has something. Some are actually relieved when they find out a name for it. I would recommend a therapist should do it though, but he wont go to one!
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« Reply #24 on: January 29, 2013, 02:13:12 PM »

1. you want to be on leaving & want to detach

Excerpt
yes; I'm very close to detaching. (Romantically I think I have) I'm just indifferent to what she does. It doesn't effect me.

2. you want your ex to know she has BPD traits

Excerpt
No, I was just wondering if it helps putting things in perspective for them. She's aware enough that stress triggers irrationalities. I reminded her of what she had said and told her to be patient and everything will be okay. She used to ask me to tell her this.

I strongly suggest you read article 9 - 10 false beliefs that keep us stuck... .  

Regarding telling your ex YOU THINK she has BPD traits,

Excerpt
Again, no. I was wondering other people's experience and whether anyone found it helpful informing them to any capacity. I don't want to point out she has an illness or traits of it but merely point out her actions when certain triggers arise. I'm merely reminding her as she knows this already.

perhaps just let go and let her T deal with her.  She has a T, right?  Let her deal with her recovery and you get on the road to dealing with yours.  This was the best advice a senior advisor gave me when I first got here... .  you are on the leaving board, she has a T, it's time for you to focus on you.

Right. I believe I'm doing fine unless it's denial Smiling (click to insert in post)  I guess I wouldn't be here if Im completely fine Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #25 on: January 29, 2013, 02:50:25 PM »

Would also like to say that the reason i want him to get help is not so i can be happy... .  how long would that take?    The reason for me is because i care about him as a human being, why would i not want him to get help?

My feelings exactly, LGO! Thanks for summarizing my feelings Smiling (click to insert in post)

yeah... .  right or wrong, it hardly stems from selfishness. And it's not orthogonal to detaching either. Closure is usually where you say your final words and then go. If we thought that our ex was constantly getting the flu because they didnt know to put socks on when they go outside in the winter, we might say in our final goodbye " and don't forget to dress warm ... .  consider wearing socks when there's snow on the ground". Are we selfish? Do we want to "change" them? Only some distorted use of concepts like "selfishness" and "change" could lead to that conclusion.

Tell them? Probably not. But if they 1) don't have a therapist; 2) have said several times that they know something is wrong with them but they don't know what; and 3) hear it with a caring tone... .  then don't guilt yourself if you made the mistake of telling them.
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« Reply #26 on: January 29, 2013, 02:58:57 PM »

Quote from: waitaminute link=topic=193229.msg12192432#msg12192432  Are we selfish? Do we want to "change" them? [i
Only some distorted use of concepts like "selfishness" and "change" could lead to that conclusion.[/i]

can you elaborate a bit more on what you mean by this?
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« Reply #27 on: January 29, 2013, 03:37:14 PM »

I think you should really asses why would you tell them after the r/s is dissolved


1) is it for you or them

2) you know this person to some degree how will they react

3) will it better them or you

4) are you ready for the results

i didn't realize my codependency until i met my ex it took her for me to really see me. if i was with someone else id never see my issues if you tell them it might help it might not but what does that mean for you

i want to call her and say hey i love you and i think you should get help but its not my place or my concern they left there gone leave it up to God Buddha the universe the Tarot kaballah Scientology whatever you believe to bring them to their conclusion of i need help. I am a christian i believe God brought me to her to help open her eyes she couldn't see that so God opened my eye he is saving one person in that r/s he has plans for her and hopefully she will finally see until then i am more concerned about healing. I wish them all the best but their dealing with an illness and i thank god i don't have to suffer that.

pretty much really think what is the benefit
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« Reply #28 on: January 29, 2013, 04:49:47 PM »

I told mine that I believed she had BPD a few months into the rs. I had been googling all of the weird things that kept happening and BPD came up over and over. For the two years after that she would sometimes admit to having BPD, sometimes claim I had BPD, and sometimes claim she was perfectly normal but just depressed (and it was typically my fault). I even got her into therapy a few times but she lied to the therapist I believe. Finally I gave her an ultimatum a few months ago and she didn't start real DBT therapy so I walked away and went NC. I heard from her recently and she is in therapy and she sounds like she is doing good. The last words of her recent email to me what me want to burst into tears:

"Know that you saved me.  And I love you.  And I'm sorry."
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« Reply #29 on: January 29, 2013, 04:52:10 PM »

In my case the relationship hadn't resolved yet and no it surely wasn't done out of selfishness from my perspective. It has everything to do with why he's on silent treatment now. Not sure if it will last forever but it could I've probably ruined the relationship for saying it, but I knew this was a possibility. Maybe that would be a good thing for him. Maybe it will make him try to find a therapist.
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