So... This gets easier, right?

[mchris4Now]

The mood swings are difficult. I know that I have to set boundaries, but sometimes its just hard to do. Walking away during an argument doesn't always work. How am I supposed to walk away, but not seem like I'm abandoning or leaving? How am I supposed to remain calm but take whatever gets thrown at me?

This is not a new topic in my life. I just wonder how I'm supposed to be everything at once. Its draining me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DyingLove]

Hi mchris4Now!  Gosh!  It's so difficult to remain calm, I'm still learning from everyone here.  But it sometimes seems the more I know... .  the less I know and the less I'm able to cope at times. I spend a lot of time recouping from being drained and run-down... .  and that's only with the BPD stuff.

Are you also having a hard time being motivated and going on with your own normal ways (as normal as that could be)? I know that I could go on with life better if I could just lift a lot of the grief I've been going thought... .  the grief that seems to have GLUED itself to my soul... .  as well as other hardships of life.  I seem to be stuck in a rut lately... .  like a rat in a maze and I just can't get out!

I do know that "thank GOD" for these forums.  I've been venting for several days now about BPD stuff going on.  I don't know how I would cope lately without everyone here.  I hope you find the same comfort here that I do. Good luck and keep posting and reading.  :-)

[mchris4Now]

Thanks so much, DLnomore. It is true that sometimes the more we know the less we know. I do just get run down. I love my SO a lot, but sometimes I get overwhelmed with it all.

[DyingLove]

Thanks so much, DLnomore. It is true that sometimes the more we know the less we know. I do just get run down. I love my SO a lot, but sometimes I get overwhelmed with it all.

I do understand completely... .  at least the love part.  I love mine to death... .  can't imaging being without her... .  but I can imagine losing my mind first.  It's sad, but it's real. I'm wrapped up in a woman that loves me like know other has ever. So I stopped looking and being receptive to love from others once I bit the hook.

Overwhelmed is an understatement and you know exactly what I mean as well as others do too.  Before I found the bpdfamily, I nearly thought I was alone looking for answers.  That is bunk!  THere are so many wonderful people here it's incredible. I rant and rave (that's what I call it) often and everyone chimes in with support. This is family.  :-)

[CodependentHusband]

How am I supposed to walk away, but not seem like I'm abandoning or leaving? How am I supposed to remain calm but take whatever gets thrown at me?

One tool is mindfulness. Pay close attention to how YOU are feeling. If you know that you are on edge and more sensitive than usual, limit your contact with your pwBPD. You are right, it IS hard to walk away when OUR emotions are elevated! As for abandoning/leaving, you clearly explain that you will be taking a time out of the discussion, not a time-out of the relationship. For me, usually a couple of hours works if I actually have to leave the house, which is less often. By doing this, you are significantly limiting all of the negativity to damage the relationship. The pwBPD cannot control the intense anger they feel and will say hurtful things that they later will feel ashamed of, adding more guilt and resentment. So, if you aren't there to hear it, and the pwBPD didn't get a chance to say it, you BOTH feel much better and the relationship isn't damaged nearly as bad as staying during a rage.

So... .  just a thought here... .  When a mother bird leaves the nest in the morning to get food for her young, is she abandoning her offspring, or is she simply doing what needs to be done for the welfare of all? Things are not always what they seem to be at first glance.

[Chosen]

Walking away triggers all the abandonment fears in my H so it never works well.  However, I have "walked away" before by saying I will not discuss something with him again and again (when I get sucked into circular arguments), he is entitled to his opinion and I am not trying to change him.  He didn't like it but at least the argument stopped.  I didn't physically remove myself but I shut the door to that topic.  If he brings it up again, I just remind him the same answer again and again. 

Will it work in your situation, you think?

[laelle]

I agree with CoD and Chosen depending on your relationship.  In mine, taking time out (like the ones we give our children) is necessary for two volatile tempers to calm down.  We are secure now that the other will come back, but its taken a while to get to that point.

[Inspirationneeded]

I would say that we get stronger.  

Practice. Practice. Practice.  Practice your boundary setting towards people besides him, people that you don't have as strong feelings for.  It's a big world, surely he is not the only person that has ever upset you .  Use this newfound knowledge on your demanding boss, the nosy neighbor, annoying random person at the store etc.  Then when it comes to him, boundary setting will become a lot easier.    

[laelle]

I would say that we get stronger.  

Practice. Practice. Practice.  Practice your boundary setting towards people besides him, people that you don't have as strong feelings for.  It's a big world, surely he is not the only person that has ever upset you .  Use this newfound knowledge on your demanding boss, the nosy neighbor, annoying random person at the store etc.  Then when it comes to him, boundary setting will become a lot easier.    

Yes! 

[yeeter]

Sometimes our timeouts are not necessarily walking away - but just changing the subject.  (admittedly this was hard at first, but is now working better).

So one of us just says "its better if we dont talk about this right now".  Subject change and move on.  Doesnt have to be walking away.  If he comes back at it just repeat that you dont want to discuss it because its too emotionally charged and will get out of hand (putting the negative dynamics front and center sometimes helps - to acknowledge them).  Then again suggest just moving onto a different subject.

This keeps you interacting - but redirect to something more positive (or at least less negative).

The High Conflict Couple is a good read to help with this dynamic.

[briefcase]

We can usually tell when a conversation is heading downhill.  It's best to act quickly. If you need to take a time out and remove yourself from the room or house, the mechanics are fairly straightforward.  You can work on your own script (and I recommend you have one because it's hard to think when you start getting triggered), but the basic steps are to say you are stepping out for a bit.  It's helpful to say where you are going, and when you will be back (roughly), and mention that you will be able to talk about the subject again when "things are more calm" (don't say when he/she is more calm--use "things."  Then come back when you said you would and if things are calm, you can talk. 

[briefcase]

. . . Oh, and yes this does get easier!  Read the Lessons, and practice, practice, practice.

[sassyone]

"OK"

It's something I say a lot when my partner splits. I just listen. There comes a time where the discussion goes from a rational one, to a fire. I've learned to identify it. When she says irrational or uses really inflammatory rhetoric/threats, part of my brain switches off and goes into BPD response mode. Because in reality I'm no longer talking to her, I'm talking to her BPD. Saying ok, acknowledging her words,  isn't agreement. It's just acknowledging that I'm listening. Our conversations slow because I take my thoughts/ideas down to very simple, very understandable/clear level. I'll give you an example. A friend of hers was getting married and she's a bridesmaid. I've been married (my partner hasn't) and I said "oh, she wants a barbie princess wedding". We were talking about our own wedding and she's said she wouldn't want ours to be expensive or elaborate. When I said "she wants a barbie princess wedding", I didn't mean it in a negative light really. I just meant she wanted to spend thousands of pounds on the dress, the cake, the hall, the church, the ponies,... .  er... .  you get the point. I've done that already and I found it all to be really empty.  Now I was excited for my partner and her playing her part in the wedding, but for myself I just couldn't get excited about the pomp. She exploded and said that I was jealous of her friend. She ranted for a good five minutes and I let her. I said ok many times. After she paused and gave me space to talk I said:

ME: "I'm not jealous, I LOVE that you're having fun with her in planning the event and I support you! It really makes me happy to see you so engaged. I am happy for her! When I said she wants a barbie princess wedding, I didn't mean that badly. What little girl doesn't dream of that kind of wedding? I'm not judging her. I've been there! I just don't want that myself anymore."

Her: "Well, it sounded that way. I didn't like your tone. You don't like Cindy, do you?"

Me: "I've always liked Cindy and I've always been supportive of Cindy. I'm sorry if you think I've been negative about her wedding. I'm not. I'm just speaking to our wedding. You've said yourself that you don't want our wedding to be like that. Has that changed? I love you, and i like Cindy. I'm just trying to explain to you what I want for us and for myself. Do you understand?"

You've heard of the saying "fight fire with fire"? I fight fire, with water. The angrier her responses, the more love and understanding and redirection I respond with. One of two things happen. She either gets angrier (in which case I go back to "ok" or the black cloud passes.

The hardest part for me was seeing when the BPD started talking. But once I could identify that it became a lot less threatening.

[Foreverhopefull]

When I walk away, I always make sure that I say why (i.e. I need to leave the room right now because I sense that my emotions are going to take over and I don't want this to happen. Give me 5minutes to regain my composure and we can discuss this further if you wish, but I need that time right now." This helps with the abandonment issue.

I make sure to walk away right away and tune him out as I'm walking because once in a while the fireworks get louder. Most of the time, he takes that time to calm down too and the discussion is over (or at least the rage is).

Of course, this is after we agreed to permit ourselfs to say this to each other. We also gave each other permission to tell each other that we need some time alone because we don't feel like being social (or like my husband likes to say: I don't feel nice, so I'll be staying in the basement (which is his man cave/safe heaven).

We also made a point of designating an area each that is our safe heaven to which we will retreat when we need to. We both ask each other permission(sort of) before entering (we mostly ask if it's OK to come and talk) to keep it "our place". For example, the basement is his safe haven, before I head downstairs, I usually ask how he is or just say "Hey babe". If it's not a good time to talk to him or he just doesn't want anyone around him, he tells me. He found it silly at first, but with time he found it to be a good plan. He feels he has that safe place to regain control of his emotions.

It has worked really good for us. So much so that he talked about it with his health team. His T loved that plan. He even agreed that it cut down the quantity and the size of our arguments by 80% and even that 20% is not as destructive as it was previously (he was good at trowing stuff).

Having set boundaries helps allot.

[Grey Kitty]

The mood swings are difficult. I know that I have to set boundaries, but sometimes its just hard to do. Walking away during an argument doesn't always work. How am I supposed to walk away, but not seem like I'm abandoning or leaving? How am I supposed to remain calm but take whatever gets thrown at me?

This is not a new topic in my life. I just wonder how I'm supposed to be everything at once. Its draining me.

Yeah, it is tough, and it is draining.

As you practice the tools and lessons here. (You have seen "The Lessons" section to the right on this board, right? Lots to digest there... .  just do what you can when you can with them. They help. Lots.)

But here are a few thoughts and answers that I've found:

How are you supposed to remain calm? Sometimes you can realize that you don't need to take it personally, and be calm. Other times you realize that your calmness is just-about-gone, and you just gotta get out before you make it worse. Just do the best you can at the time.

How am I supposed to walk away? Lots of possibilities there:

• Kinda cheat. One long-timer here would just say she had to go to the bathroom, and get herself 5 minutes to collect her thoughts.



• If the argument gets verbally abusive, set a boundary: I won't listen to you yelling at me (or whatever is happening). State your boundary and leave. Don't engage any more.



• Not seem like you are abandoning or leaving... .  you can say "I'm going for a walk around the block. I'll be back in 15 minutes." or something like that. Set a time limit, and then honor it. (You don't have to stay back if things get out of hand again, but do come back if you say you will)



• Make your departure/refusal to argue about YOURSELF, not about them. Say something like "I am too upset to talk about this right now. Lets change the subject." This is doubly good. First, it is probably true by the time you are ready to say it. Second, it is clear that you are NOT blaming them for anything--you are admitting to your own issue/problem, and it is hard for them to argue with that--who would say "No, you aren't too upset to talk about it, you can keep fighting with me?"

And yes, it will get easier. Perhaps not as soon as you want, and perhaps it will get worse first, but it will.

[CodependentHusband]

Very well said, Grey Kitty! Especially this part:

Set a time limit, and then honor it. (You don't have to stay back if things get out of hand again, but do come back if you say you will)

THIS, I think, gets missed often. So, I think it is worth some additional emphasis. If you come back after the amount of time you said, and the pwBPD continues to be verbally abusive, don't be afraid to immeditely call for another time out. Rinse and repeat. 15 minutes has never been long enough for my wife. She takes more like 2 hours to calm down after starting to rage, and then it is straight to a silent treatment until the completion of a sleep cycle. It's very different for different people and in different relationships though, I'm sure of that.

Every once in a while I've found that when I come back she is still emotional and seems to be able to communicate with me without blaming and belittling me. I will stay for that, even if it gets my emotions elevated a bit. The important thing to me is to not listen to her berate me.

I can remember what it was like when first starting to protect my boundaries. It really did seem so very hopeless... .  having my pwBPD escalate even MORE when I started to protect my boundaries really took me aback, and made me feel even more hopeless. Sticking to what others said here, even through the doubt and depair was 100% the right thing to do. YES! Indeed, it DOES get easier!

[waverider]

Eventually you get to sense the tone so you can divert/disengage/ultimately leave earlier before it gets to dramas stage. Also having some "fun" your time activities up your sleeve to get on with when you are disengaging is good, then you dont stew on things.

Eventually you can disengage without them realising what you are doing

[mchris4Now]

Thanks so MUCH to all of your for your advice. Some of this seems like it might actually WORK - if I can remember where to put myself!

Most days are ok, but some days are shot to hell. I think its the boundaries thing for me. I WANT to amke it better on some levels, but I know I can't. Those days just get draining.

So, coming here and reading all of the posts feels like a big smile and a pat on the back from all of you.

THANKS!

[yeeter]

 

Thanks so MUCH to all of your for your advice. Some of this seems like it might actually WORK - if I can remember where to put myself!

Most days are ok, but some days are shot to hell. I think its the boundaries thing for me. I WANT to amke it better on some levels, but I know I can't. Those days just get draining.

So, coming here and reading all of the posts feels like a big smile and a pat on the back from all of you.

THANKS!