nanny with BPD d 20

[mggt]

Hi all was wondering if anyone out there grandmas has successfully taken legal custody of thier grandchilden and if so how hard was it did BPD take a big play in it how expensive was it and how long it took i a afraid to do this because if i fail she will no longer let us see our gd but her poop judgement is getting out of control baby is almost 1 year old and my d is just continuing to make poor poor judgements i have been thinking about this since gd was born and almost 1 years old now im afraid if i wait i will regret it please anyone out here have any advice on what to do thank you

[mggt]

HI if you dont mind me asking how did you get custody of your gd? did your daughter just  give her to you or did u have to go to court? Please explain a little more about your situations if you do not mind  thank you very much from another grandma  

[qcarolr]

Hi mggt and welcome.

Our path to custody of gd is different than many - very grateful that it was successful. Ultimately the daddy convinced DD for them to agree to a voluntary stipulation for us to have "parental responsibilities" (custody) and they would have 'parental visitation'. That is the current terminology in our state anyway. The laws very for each state.

We consulted with an advocate who, for a fee, helped me prepare all the legal documents, get the home study done, get the parnenting class hours needed -- then we filed the petition in our county family court. They would not allow us to file the whole package, only the petition and finanacial affidavit. Then we had to meet with the family court faciliator, who said we did not have standing to even petition since DD had been a member of our household. So then we hired the lawyer that advised the advocate to build represent us based on case law to show that DD was a transient in our home and we qualified to petition. It looked like an expensive, drawn out process.

Then the daddy got out of jail (one year sentence for being drunk and stupid and assaulting police officers arresting him for disorderly conduct!). He told me he knew DD would manipulate him with seeing gd so he really wanted us to have custody. We assumed it would be a temporary order and we would be back in court in a year to request permanent custody. DD was looking forward to her day in court to let everyone know what bad parents we are (I figured she would sink her own boat there).

The judge cancelled the hearing and made the order permanent. Even the lawyer was surprised by this. All I can think is that he had our petition, with our story of why we wanted custody, and he believed we had been the 'real' parents since gd was 8 months old. That is when DD took a break from being a single parent while daddy was in jail - she was mostly gone drugging with her friends. Gd was 18 mos. when the order was finalized.

DD can go to court anytime she chooses to request a change to this order. That is my response to her when she accuses me of stealing her child - or tells gd that I she was stolen by me. Gd sems to get that this is not the case, yet it must still hurt so much. It is so very tough sometimes.


I apologize if this is more info than you asked for. AARP has a lot of info for grandparents raising grandkids on their website And I really suggest a consultation with a lawyer in the state the child lives in to find out what the local law requires. Each and very situation is different.

qcr  

[qcarolr]

It can be very hard to get custody, and threats of your never seeing the child again can become a reality. There are many grandmas on the supporting our BPDkids board in this bind. That is where we were back in 2006. I just got so tired of DD abandoning gd to our care 98% of the time, then threatening us to leave without a trace when we said no to any of her requests - ie. money, car use, etc.  We had tried to work out co-parenting with the support of a program through the mental health center -- this did not work due to DD non-participation. Social Services was involved at that time briefly - when they realized dh and I were there to care for gd, they closed the case. I am not sure who contacted DSS - maybe ther T we were working with.

DD was not there to watch her child, so we got emergency child-care. When we arranged regular child-care, DD refused to sign the permission forms. It was just a mess. We tried to puruse guardianship - lawyer withdrew when DD changed her mind and wanted to contest it.

In our case, DD was just not there to care for gd - they both lived in our home, though DD was gone most of the time. And we were in such denial, and so very enabling of all her bad choices. I did not find my way to this life-saving site until late in 2009 after DD was dx BPD.

I could keep going - not much point to that.

Can you give us some more details about your situation? How often to you visit with you grandchild? What kind of specific poor judgements are taking place? Looking forward to hearing more as you are able to share.

qcr  

[Matt]

Might be a good idea to talk to some family law attorneys.  The laws are different in different states, so with QCarolR's experiences, and some ideas from an attorney, you'll know a lot more.

When you talk to attorneys, you don't have to give them a retainer (thousands of $s) til you're sure.  You can either get a free initial consultation, or some of them might charge you for 30 minutes of their time.

You could tell them the basics and find out if it's worth pursuing or if it's not likely to be successful in your state.

[mggt]

Hi all thank you all so much for your words of wisdom my d is 20 lives with exbf parents baby dadyy i babysit 4 days aweek .  she has had BPD for years she has been in dbt for years rtc for 1 year cant bring up bp because  she gets very angry her daughter is one years old now and since and beofore she broke up with bf i have been thinking about getting custody she has poor judgemnt in everything men drugs drinking swearing always angry at the world  she is now dating on line just found out some real bad news about one of the guys i decided to tell her now its all my fault she is blaming me wow she has every trait there is for BPD i could go on and on but i think u all get the  picture im just sick to think of what will happen to my gd if i do not intervene how  long do i wait how long do i hope things will change i love my d very much but am concerned with gd she can hold it together at ex bf house but as soon as she comes here she lets it out lies  swearing mean banging all  in front of gd she is a master at sneaking and lying but i know better what to do please help

[Matt]

In addition to talking to some attorneys, to learn what you can about how this stuff works where you live, here are some things you might consider:

* List facts that you know, and the evidence that you have (or that you can get).  For example, you know that she has used drugs - have you seen her use them?  Has she been in trouble with the law?  Has she failed any drug tests?  The reason I'm saying this is that the courts usually go with the evidence, so if you have very clear evidence, you'll have a much better chance.

* Her behavior, like tantrums - you might be able to record this.  In some states, it's legal to audio-record.  Some cell phones can do it, and then copy the file to a computer and send it to the attorney.  Some mp3 players do it too.

* Think about who else has seen these behaviors and if they would be willing to testify.  It might be possible to get the court to require them to testify even if they don't want to.

* Was she formally diagnosed with BPD and/or other psych disorders?  Can you get a copy of that diagnosis?  Or do you know what doctor diagnosed her - maybe the doctor could testify if needed.

[qcarolr]

mggt - you have been through it all. It is deeply sad for me when there is little response to the therapies and resources that have been given to your D. Much like my DD26. It is so much easier for her to get stoned or high to avoid feeling the feelings and having to work through the pain. She just doesn't get that it can get better. Also sounds like you D projects her distress - especially onto you as the mom. This relieves the distress for a bit and keeps them stuck, IMHO. This also keeps them from choosing to go through the pain of internalizing things that can be learned in therapy.

There are so many other moms in your situation - I invite you to also post on the supporting our BPDkids board again so we can support you as a mom. Keep up  here on the legal board for support on the custody decisions for your gd.

Matt has great advice. The judge has to look at the factual evidence in deciding a case. There can be empathy for your pain, but it does not add to the case. That is why we hired a lawyer to represent us in our custody pursuit - I could not question my DD in a court without lots of tears.

Keep a diary of everything. Carry it with you or lock it in a drawer or on a password protected document on your computer. Only a few words with the date, who is there, what happened is enough. Be sure and write others that are present. Focus on neglect - leaving child alone or with others, not having adequate care (food, shelter etc), use of drugs impacting care decisions.

Also pull together a file of documentation of her previous mental health contacts - rtc, doctors, therapists. Keep this together in a box. locked if needed.

If you cannot afford a lawyer, seek out legal aide in your county.

The hardest part of my custody journey was keeping it all a secret from my DD. It just about killed me - I was serously ill by the time we filed our petition in court with immune system failure/adrenal fatigue. Now I know it was worth it, I am feeling so much healthier now. But the risk of DD leaving with my gd, as she continously threatened, was high.

Also, be aware of any truly dangerous situations with your gd, and do not hesitate to contact child protective services. If the baby is taken from the home, they prefer to place with a grandparent, esp since you already have a good r/s with the child. Would the exbf parents try to seek custody? That is something I did not have to deal with.

Please keep coming back to let us know how things are going. And hope to see you again on the parents board:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=4.0

qcr