I just want to say thank you

[SoftLanding]

Things are going really well for me right now.  I know that it might not always be this way, which causes me to appreciate it all the more and gives me cause to express my gratitude.

I found this site as I felt like I was about to lose my mind.  So many things were going wrong in my relationship and I was being blamed for all of it.  He broke up with me over the most insignificant issues... .  like when I asked him to turn the tv down because it was jangling my nerves.  Another time, he posted something negative about vegetarians on facebook and I reminded him that my daughter in law was a vegetarian and I was afraid it would offend her.  Not only did he break up with me over it, but he de-friended her as well.  His decisions to get back together were agonizingly long and painful.  His words were cruel and made me feel like I was the most evil, calculating, crazy person ever.  I couldn't understand why he thought *I* was so bad.  I've always gotten along with everyone... .  even people that I probably shouldn't have.  

Once I came here and starting reading the posts and lessons, I quickly understood the gravity of the matter.  Of course I was scared because it seems like it's insurmountable and totally out of my control.  

I keep meaning to post and share my experiences, but there a couple of a reasons I haven't.  The biggest is that I don't want to get "caught" by my udBPDbf.  He doesn't know he has it, but I do because of all the reading and work I've done here.  He's suffered greatly because of his perceptions and until I understood, all I was doing was making it worse.  He has broken ties with his adult children, siblings and many friends he used to be close with.  All painted black with rationalizations that each had a shade of truth attached to them.

Without all of you and what I've learned here at bpdfamily, I would not been able to piece together the chaos that was happening in our lives and the chances are about 100% that we would not have endured.  The first thing I did was resolve not to judge or criticize him. He just can't take it in even the smallest measure.  If I feel a subject will be ill received, I am careful about the timing and really try to soften it up first.  I also have to be mindful of my facial expressions.   In just these three fairly simple efforts, we have not had any problems since October.  In addition to that, I've had a few bad days of my own and he's actually been supportive (in his own limited way).  My eyes well up thinking about it now.  Totally unexpected.  I'm aware that the next riff could be around the corner, because I've seen it happen.  But the lessons learned in keeping things from getting worse have changed my life.  I'm a true believer in these lessons and I'm going to stay on them.  

My guy is so worth the effort.  I've loved him since I was 14 years old (I'm in my 50's now) and finally got my chance to be with him a couple of years ago.  I'm not gonna let it go without a good, fair fight.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DyingLove]

God Bless You SoftLanding for sticking by your guy for so long. That is admirable and maybe rare.  It's too easy to give up.  Good Luck Always.  :-)

[briefcase]

 

Thanks for stepping forward and sharing with us.  I am glad the lessons are helping you. Conerns about getting "found out" here by our partners are valid, but I think you might find you get even more out of this site by posting more about yourself (mindful of confidentiality, of course!). 

[ChemGuy]

Of course I was scared because it seems like it's insurmountable and totally out of my control.  

It does seem scary when you first start learning about BPD.  But it is good to remember that pwBPD are not simply doing hurtful things for the sake of hurting us, they are trying to defend themselves, however subconsciously.  It's kind-of sad, I think, that they are so scared of being hurt by the people that love them.

I'm not gonna let it go without a good, fair fight.

I wish you luck with this.  It won't be a fair fight, but at least you know the rules now (i.e., there are no rules) and you are developing the tools and resources to weather the storm when it comes again.  The storm always comes, but if you are able to protect yourself during the bad times you'll be mentally steady enough to pick-up and move ahead when the sun comes out again.

[waverider]

Once you learn to cope with, and defuse, conflict you will become less afraid of it, and less fearful of speaking up when you feel it is important

[SoftLanding]

Once you learn to cope with, and defuse, conflict you will become less afraid of it, and less fearful of speaking up when you feel it is important

The only thing I wasn't afraid of when I found this site was leaving.  Without knowing what I was up against, every time I tried to express my feelings to him, a downward spiral began.  I could not talk to him at all.  And when I did try, his first words were "Why do you always have to bring your feelings into it?"  Somehow this education I've found here has taught me how to bridge that space between a rock and a hard place.  It sure wasn't something that came naturally to me.