Death of a relationship...

[lostchild]

Hi to all,

I am no contact with my 40yr old son right now because he no longer wants anyone of his family to contact him.  I was concerned because he expressed feeling suicidal (sp) and called his t.  She suggested clear boundaries, which is what I and his other family members have done. 

It is as though there is something missing in my life.  Not that I can stand the drama and the chaos that is my life with my son in it.  It just feels as though he no longer exists.  As though through his actions and reactions, resulting in his family choosing no contact and he reciprocating he isn't part of our lives anymore.

It feels as though my son has become a stranger, someone who I do not choose to have be a part of my life anymore, but whose loss makes me feel unwhole.  So hard when there is no contact and yet when there is, it is anxiety and sadness all the time.

I know we are doing the right thing, but it is not easy.  I feel as though I have given up on my child, yet I no longer have the energy to let him be a part of my life.

He is not getting better, as he is addicted to smoking pot and does not see his counselor, nothing changes.

I have given up, and although that sounds awful, I am too tired to do anythng else.  It is as though death has come.  I don't know what to do anymore.

Thank for letting me vent,

lostchild

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

Dear lostchild:

I just wanted to tell you I am thinking of you and can feel your pain.  My brother who is not rx BPD but has a whole host of anxiety issues decided about 2 years ago to cut me out of his life.  I don't know why.  I was always there for him when he needed me both mentally and financially.  The last time I heard from him I was taking DD to the hospital and I was crying telling him that I just needed to know he was there for me.  He told me not to worry he would be and that he would call me later.  I never heard from him again.  DD is his goddaughter.  He has never even contacted anyone to see how she is.

He caused alot of drama in my life and alot of hardship but I still do miss him.  It is hard whether he is in or out of my life.  The holidays are especially hard for me but I have learned to accept it.  I tried for a long time to establish contact but no answer so I too gave up.  Giving up is not awful it is what we have to do sometimes in relationships  but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Griz

[vivekananda]

Hi lostchild, griz,

I endured almost a year of n/c with my dd32. It was so hard. In that time I threw myself into learning all I could and working on myself in case I had the chance to renew my relationship with her.

I never gave up, rather I learnt about radical acceptance. I grieved, I cried, but I learnt to accept and with that I allowed myself some hope - because I was changing myself.

When I got emotionally exhausted, I focussed on my own self improvement. I tried to take care of myself and in doing that applied the skills that I was learning, especially validation on anyone, strangers, anyone. Bit by bit, I was preparing myself for the time things might change. My fingers are still crossed, but things are more hopeful with me, I have had contact with my dd that hasn't been distraught. And I am still learning.

If I hadn't changed, nothing else would have changed for me. So, lostchild, griz, my advice to you is to stay with us here and work on doing what you need to do to make yourselves better than you are feeling now. It's this place here that gave me strength.


Vivek    

[pessim-optimist]

Hi lostchild,

:'(   weeping with you... .  

I can hear it from your tone, you are exhausted, and grieving. Give yourself the time to grieve. It may take a while, and it's OK. Several books that I read talk about how we grieve our living loved ones and no one in the world around us understands... .  But people here know what you are going through. Be kind to yourself, and take care of yourself.

And when you feel better, you can start thinking realistically about the future. Then maybe Vivek 's advice will be a good plan for you. But you don't have to focus on that right now, you'll cross that bridge when you get there... .  

Stay in touch, we are here to support you      

[lbjnltx]

Hello lostchild,

I am so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain... .  we aren't supposed to lose our relationships with our children. :'(

When you are ready, let's talk about some skills to help you be able to stay in relationship with your son.

 

lbjnltx

[lostchild]

Hi,

I thank all of you so much for your support and thoughts.  I agree with all that was said, and I am very grateful for your responses.

I think for now I just have to let it be.  The last few times I had contact, I was berated and hung up on.  The last email there was no response.

I am okay with letting it be for now.  I have a T that I talk to and have been through this before.  I am a survivor it seems.  A tired one, but a functioning okay person, who has alot of positive in my life also.  I focus on that and I can smile and go on.

I hope that is true for all of you and I wish you blessings and peace,

Lostchild