Hi BPDhope and
So now he sends me a letter filled with conflicting statements. One part is about his love and dedication for me, how he wants me to come back, etc. The other is statements of anger, blame and hate. This combination has been the content of all contact I have received from him since I have been gone.
It may be helpful to understand that he is not "conflicted" in the same way we (non-disordered) are conflicted. When we are conflicted, we are balancing between different thoughts and feelings simultaneous: "I love him but I don't like certain behaviors." For people with BPD (pwBPD) they *alternate* between their conflicting feelings. One second he feels his love and dedication for you, and the next second he feels only anger, blame and hate. It is literally either one or the other. Which is why when we feel their idealization, it seems to us sincere, heartfelt and true, but then when we feel their devaluation, it can be extremely hurtful. And their feelings towards us (both the idealization and the devaluation) has no temperance just like any of their other intense feelings.
His letter should indicate to you how often and quickly he makes these alternations between idealizing and devaluing you.
I don't want to throw out his "good" statements just because there are "bad" ones along with them. I DO want to reconcile and save our marriage. I have outlined the specific things I expect him to do in order for our life together to be possible. However, he is really out of it and I don't think the message is getting through to him no matter what I do.
You cannot throw out the "good" just because of the "bad", but you cannot expect him to stop thinking or feeling the "bad", not so long as he is not truly recovering from his mental disorder. This is part of what you must consider if you wish to reconcile with him and save your marriage.
I am assuming that this contact is his attempt to show love. But that in doing so, he feels vulnerable, so he adds the hate/blame to protect himself.
I would not agree with this assessment. He is showing you *all* his feelings which is difficult for you to fully understand because you do not suffer from BPD.
Other than validating his feelings is there anything I can do?
Just SET? Validate the bad feelings, maybe validate the good (?) or at least agree? And then remind of the truth of the boundary? This is what I have been doing with him in all my contact so far. And here I am, same place.
Perhaps it might be helpful for you to start determining what you do that triggers his disordered "splits"? Here's a common misunderstanding I can anticipate:
As non-disordered, our inclination is to believe that when we feel closer and more intimate, then the relationship is more solid and stable. This is the case of us. But not necessarily so for pwBPD. Too much feelings of intimacy and familiarity can trigger them. What I find to be helpful is to maintain formal and distant interaction. And consistency and predictability helps as well. Remember it's not how close *we* feel, but how close *they* feel. And depending upon how self-aware and honesty your partner is, he may or may not be forthcoming about his true feelings, at least not until they are so intense that he cannot help himself.
Here's the thing, he's not going to change until he decides for himself that he wants to change. He might *tell* you that he wants to change, but if he's telling you this after you've given him an ultimatum (change or the relationship is over), then chances are he's acting out of fear of abandonment and not out of his own personal desire to change, to recover from disordered feelings and behaviors he may or may not accept in himself.
If he chooses to be in denial of his disordered feelings and behaviors, then this is his choice. And I think you should make your appropriate corresponding choices. You can bring a horse to water... .
He hasn't voiced any boundaries. I don't think he has any, he just wants me to know I am the one at fault and I had better take 100%responsibilty, and pay for all the pain I have caused him by all the things he imagined I did.
You see this kind of distorted perspective, that he wants you to "take all the blame" is another expression of "splitting" behavior. You so, so long as he has you to devalue, then he can devalue himself less often (or perhaps not at all). You see, if you were not there to take 100% of the blame, then he would take all of that, and he would devalue himself to the point where suicide may be contemplated. But so long as there is someone else to devalue, he can avoid devaluing himself.
The alternative is to develop new emotional tools to help him better manage, limit and temper his disordered feelings, tools such as those one might learn in DBT. But until he becomes adept at using such new tools, his inclination will be to fall back on the old tools: such as "splitting" "projection" "dissociative behavior" "gas lighting" "distortion campaigns" etc... .
I'm sorry if I sound angry. I'm not, I am just really tired of not being able to say even one thing to him and have him listen to me and understand.
It can understand it is tiring to be in a relationship when your partner demands so much support and is not able to give the support you need. The trick is to know what he is incapable of giving you... . perhaps he is capable of occasionally simulating the appearance of such support, but not truly able to give it to you. In which case, you will need to find another more reliable source of such support.
What happens if he refuses? Well he has so far and here we are. If he continues, this stupid stalemate will continue for a while... . who knows beyond that.
This is a decision only you can make. I don't know what is in his heart. I don't know if he has it within him to recover.
I had not heard a word from his direction in months. Then this letter. I realize that this is probably his attempt to reach out to me, and show love. It's probably the best he can do.
In my experience, pwBPD love you when they need you. When they don't need you, they don't love you. Those months you did not hear from him, I suspect he was getting his needs met somewhere else.
I feel for him, his world is so difficult and horrible, and he doesn't know anything else, he doesn't know there is something different.
His word is difficult and horrible and perhaps he doesn't know anything else. But it is his choice to stay there and not find some other way.
Best wishes, Schwing
