Why Do I Feel So Uncomfortable Saying... "I Can't"

[radioguitarguy]

Hello All... .  

It's been awhile since I've checked in... .  just a quick recap... .  we had to tell our DS28 to move out due to a safety issue(smoking in bed). Although he continues to couch surf, he seems to be doing much better with a change in anxiety meds. He comes over to the house to shower and hangs for a bit but he no longer lives with us.

After 18 months of pretty much keeping to himself, he's back out playing music again taking advantage of open mike nights. He needs to make some money, but is on Medicaid so he can't work full time otherwise he will lose his benefits. We already supply him with a car, gas, insurance, and a cell phone which I admit is our "piece of mind." He's been looking for part time work(or so he says) for the last 2 months. Occasionally he'll ask me for 10 or 20 bucks which I usually give him. He doesn't go to his mom anymore because she won't give him any money. Why am I such a wuss? I can't seem to say "no." I beat myself up for giving him the extra cash but continue to do it anyway. That issue will be taken care of soon because his mom and I really can't afford to give him anymore money. I tell myself all the time that he's going to be 29 in June and that he needs to figure it out on his own. His mom and I have done everything we possibly can emotionally and financially. We do have a 401K put aside so is it wrong of me to draw from it until he's able to provide for himself... .  God, I hate this!

He seemed to be able to fend for himself after we asked him to leave although with a car, gas, and food what kind of "fending" is that. OK, I'll stop now because I'm just rambling on and on. Sometimes I just wanna pack up the house and move far away.

RGG

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Clearmind]

RGG, I don’t have a BPD child however I can speak from experience. Saying NO creates a fear of being cut off from your BPD loved one. The unpredictable nature of BPD can cause us to question our motives.

Are you wuss? Maybe you just care! I also sense you are bargaining – if he does this, I can do this, If it does that, I have $401K stashed away!

There is a difference between supporting an enabling – and you are compromising your own financial position. Believe it or not – you giving him money is actually not helping him.

How can you best help him? And relinquish some of this guilt?

[qcarolr]

radiguitarguy,

I can sure understand the wanting to move away, far away. Not going to happen, but nice fantasy sometimes.

I have dealt with my strugle about money by setting a budget for help to my DD26. I go over it sometimes buying her clothes. I count the cost of cell phone, bus passes, court costs (she is on probation), and personal care stuff. We end up spending about $250 a month for her benefit. There is an allowance of $20 a week if I don't do the bus pass that week. I offer to give her a ride if I am going her way - though occasionally do an extra trip.

I am prayin she wins her SSI appeal and can get help with housing. Most likely another year away yet - such a long process.

We will not touch our retirement savings, the little that they are, for her - ever. We are too old to replace this, and will most likely end up medicaid if need long term care or home health care.

Be kind to yourself - figure out what you can afford. Maybe it is just the cell phone? Let you DS know what you can do, then stick to it. Hard to do - I am still working on it.

qcr

[sunshineplease]

Hey, RGG, I hear you. Money is the form of love he's used to getting, and changing that dynamic takes courage. And faith -- that he will still love you when you say no; that he will be okay without your financial support; that you'll be able to stand firm and forgive yourself for things you've done in the past that you might now find yourself wishing you hadn't done. We're all there in some form or another. My "currency" was bailing my daughter out with school (letting her hang on by the skin of her teeth), and supporting other kinds of learned helplessness. I tell myself I don't have the luxury of guilt for these transgressions, but it's easier to say than to feel. On the other hand, if I put my energy toward the NOW, instead (like practicing validation of her feelings, if not her behaviors), I always feel more hopeful. My therapist has me doing things like lighting candles and repeating, "I forgive myself" over and over. Sounds corny, but it kinda works. At any rate, hang in there. This is slow work, and proceeds (as Valerie Porr says) via TLCs (tiny little changes).

[Kate4queen]

I'm actually at peace with giving my 21 yr old BPD son a regular sum of money. It's all he asked us for after he moved out and found the love and support from another family that he insists he prefers to our brand.

The reason I'm a peace with it is because I/we don't expect anything back anymore. We worked out a reasonable sum, suggested what we thought he should use it for and that's it. I signed his bank account and credit card over to him and I no longer check them and 'help him' out of debt like I did when he lived at home and I was afraid not to because of the ranting and defensive anger.

[sunshineplease]

Kate4queen, you sound so whole -- in full integrity -- with your decision, emotionally and practically. It's inspiring to know we can come to that place with regard to our loved ones wBPD.

[radioguitarguy]

Hi Clearmind... .  

You're absolutely correct on the "giving him money is really not helping him." I must admit, I give him money to make ME feel better, which is certainly not helping him at all. Thank you for your words of wisdom. They are appreciated!

RGG

[radioguitarguy]

After reading and thinking about all of your thoughtful responses, I've come to the conclusion we need to establish specific money boundaries with him. I can't say to him he can only spend $30 a week for gas but then give him $20 whenever he asks for it... .  talk about a classic case of enabling.

As always, thank you for your gift of support and helpful suggestions. I am soo appreciative you're all out there!

RGG

[Kate4queen]

Kate4queen, you sound so whole -- in full integrity -- with your decision, emotionally and practically. It's inspiring to know we can come to that place with regard to our loved ones wBPD.

I wish I'm getting there, but it still makes me very sad to even have to be considering making such decisions about someone I still love very much.But I have to accept him as he is and I have to live with myself.

[vivekananda]

when we said to our dd that we would only give her money if she gave us the receipts or invoices... .  she stopped asking. Of course dh (is it always the men?) had given her heaps up tilll then.

I am prepared to help her out on a regular basis, if she has a budget - but that will never happen. I have offered to pay for therapy - but she's not even accepting that help, instead she is not doing therapy. hhhmrppphh   

good luck with all your boundaries, they are important to us,

Vivek