mediation today

[nona]

UBPDX requested "mediation" as we are scheduled for trial in april and our pre trial hearings start in February.

finances, custody and relocation are to be discussed.

I am in Canada and want to take dd back to the states.

with friends and family, a place where I can get a new start and have support.

I think BPDh likes having me here, hostage in tinytown.

where he has much control.

I had hoped a judge would get me out of here.

L says if BPDH would agree with mediation we could save so much money avoiding a trial.

Which UBPDH personality will be turning up today?

the 5 year old angry boy... .  wont mediate

the entitled dr wont mediate

Mr integrity, protector of women and children, mr spiritual please stand up.

His girlfriend from his threesome relationship is pregnant.

My L really wants to focus on THAT !

Thinking it will shame UBPDH enough to let us leave tinytown?

I hope he is smarter than Me.

I sure dont know who will be at the table.

I have been as strict as I can be with No contact, so this should be interesting.

10 years of passion and pain, stuffed for 18 months no contact and now 6 hours together in the same room, I can hardly imagine in my wildest dreams what this will be like.

[tog]

OMG, best wishes. 

[Matt]

Bring a notebook and write down important stuff.  It may help you to listen when he talks and not to get upset at what he says.

Think about any issues that can be settled - even small ones - and try to get very clear agreement on those, so they can be done, and it can reduce the cost and hassle of the legal process a little.

Notice and remember the arguments he makes, because those may come up again in the legal process, and you'll be ready for them.

Be open to solutions, and look creatively for solutions to specific issues.  But don't feel bullied into agreeing to something you don't think is right.

Good luck!

[theodore]

His girlfriend from his threesome relationship is pregnant.

My L really wants to focus on THAT !

Thinking it will shame UBPDH enough to let us leave tinytown?

Your L may be correct.  See this post: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=158962.msg1525475#msg1525475

[seeking balance]

Matt is right on target with his advice.

Also, when you do respond to him or propose a different solution, really try to use the communication tools - DEARMAN & SET.  Empathy and staying calm will get you further than emotionally responding. 

[nona]

I wondered "who" was gonna show up.

the 5 year old or the attacker

It was the attacker.

my L flight was delayed, and he is crappy in the afternoon.

financials settled but my L wussed out on me.

negitiating assets/household goods, I told him I wante a dollar amount.

he asked me in front of them how much, made me do the math, ask for it, when BPDH said, "she can dig through the shed and take the tools but not get the money value" my L left me to argue with BPDX until I caved as I WAS ARGUING WITH BPDH !

Where the **** was my L?

few places he dropped the ball.

He was good with the figures, but terrible at advocacy, especially with an abuser.

He encouraged me to talk talk talk, then did not like it and told me a judge would think I am crazy when I said the truth about the crazy abuse.

Oh yeah, when abuse is mentioned in the room with 2 lawyers and a husband by a woman in B.C.

Abuse is just dismissed. "we must talk about the future , not the past"

My lawyer is not looking strong, I have 24 hours to pick a psychiatrist for our SECTION 15.

so burnt.

I know this is a marathon. I did not know I was signing up for this.

I am so tired and cannot sleep.

[Matt]

Did you sign anything?  Can you come back and say, "I thought about it and this isn't OK for me."?

Can you talk with your lawyer before the next session, and say, "I need you to advocate for me."?

If this goes in a direction that's not OK, you don't have to sign anything.

It's OK, during the session, to take a time-out, and talk with your lawyer alone.  Tell him, "This isn't going well.  I need you to help with this issue."

It's also OK to set some ground rules, such as how you will be spoken to.  If your ex is attacking you verbally - not just taking a strong stand on some issue, but speaking to you in an aggressive way - it's OK to say, "I will not be spoken to like that.  If I am attacked verbally, I will leave the room and this meeting will be over."  Then look at your own lawyer to make it clear to him that he needs to support you in this.

[nona]

Matt... .  what are you doin up so late?

Thanks .


I did not sign anything.

I have a few questions about the numbers. I couldnt look, i was so choked.


I dont know what I even have. 10 years of UNPROVEN abuse is not enough, and now IM "alienating" as I speak the truth.

Now comes the psych eval next month... .  in rural canada.

tomorrow I will call a woman in B,C, who has a parental alienation website and see if she has any info on the local pool of evaluators, and make sure the suggested evaluator is not on her bad list.

I have got to get a life and do something besides this.

I was feeling so hopeful I could get more custody and get her out of here and my lawyer looks confused and HE HAS ONLY BEEN INA r/s with My UBPDH for a few hours.

L forgets much, he doesnt even remmeber my story good enough to stop or catch my husband. of course i am well trained after 10 years.

BPD sat their scowling the whole 4 hours.

If I was in a court, and looked at both of us, I sure would not want to send a little girl home with him.

I know there will be more eyes and ears in a courtroom. MAybe thats why so many BPDs settle on the steps.

It feels like a crap shoot and I dont gamble.

I have a 28 year old daughter I have had to apologize to and I will not be apologizing to D10 when she is 28 for leaving her with her father.

I apparently will be apologizing for poverty.

[nona]

no more sessions, this was probly just to get the money to pay him.

cant afford discoveries L said ?

next is the section 15 in february

reported in march

trial in april.

[Matt]

So if you didn't sign anything, you can tell your lawyer, "What was discussed yesterday isn't OK."  He can set up another mediation, or you can go to trial.

(At least that's how it works where I live.)

Don't be bullied into signing something you don't think is right.

Give your lawyer clear instructions.  He works for you.

[theodore]

I have got to get a life and do something besides this.

You will.  Hang in there.  This will be over.  Meanwhile, focus on your physical and mental health so that you don't become to weary.

L forgets much, he doesnt even remmeber my story good enough to stop or catch my husband. of course i am well trained after 10 years.

This is not uncommon.  My L has 100 active cases in various states of need.  Imagine you are responsible for 100 children.  Some of them you don't see for weeks or months, the rest are in your face for eight hours a day or more.