Should I stop the divorce; have 2 young kids...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all.  Well, my husband is BPD although I only recently realized it recently after our marriage counselor said something.  He has most symptoms, especially the periods when he gets angry for a few days and nothing can stop it.  I'm the target of this.  He obviously does have fear of abandonment and so many other key BPD things although he doesn't seem as bad as some.

We have only been married 7 years and have two babies.  In the past, I just quietly suffered through the rages until they ended.  Hubby doesn't cheat or have addictions or hit us.  But... .  

A few months ago he followed me around all night long, yelling, moving our twin babies all around the house to scare me, while they were just trying to sleep.  This followed after a weekend of angry controlling behavior that I finally stood up to - which is what set him off and made it worse.  He also called people we know and claimed I hit the kids!  After his all-night raging at me, he finally stopped at 6 a.m. and we all got to go to sleep.  Then I got a protection order so he had to leave.  (Just giving you the short version of all this.)

It's a few months later and after months of denials from him, he is finally taking responsibility for all the terrible things he did in our relationship and seeking a therapist.  He is also begging me to please let him come home.  He says that the therapists figured out why he goes into these rages, and in a few months of therapy he'll be fine. 

I don't want to throw away a marrige to someone I love, or deal with the kids being in two homes, and all that stuff, but I have always had to be on guard with him and I feel that if he comes back, even if he gets therapy, I'll just be waiting for the day he does something bad or controlling and I regret letting him back.  And I won't be able to get him out of the house again (this is probably the best chance I have to do it, and while the kids are young too).  But I also am afraidthat down the road I'll still love him (well I know I will) and it will really be too late to ever have any sort of relationship again.  I could hold off the divorce a bit, but that will just give him false hope and cause more hurt in a few months.

I have started divorce proceedings and it's nice that my house is so calm now.  I don't have to walk on eggshells or protect myself all the time.  But I don't want to have regrets years later.

So I am asking you all for help, any experiences you have had similar to mine or just any insight.

There's even the chance we could have a relationship again years down teh road if he can prove he really has changed, but after a divorce, it seems odd to start living together again, and that could also cause more hurt if it went south a second time.  Would love any insight on any part of this.

[momtara]

Hi all.  Well, my husband is BPD although I only recently realized it recently after our marriage counselor said something.  He has most symptoms, especially the periods when he gets angry for a few days and nothing can stop it.  I'm the target of this.  He obviously does have fear of abandonment and so many other key BPD things although he doesn't seem as bad as some.

We have only been married 7 years and have two babies.  In the past, I just quietly suffered through the rages until they ended.  Hubby doesn't cheat or have addictions or hit us.  But... .  

A few months ago he followed me around all night long, yelling, moving our twin babies all around the house to scare me, while they were just trying to sleep.  This followed after a weekend of angry controlling behavior that I finally stood up to - which is what set him off and made it worse.  He also called people we know and claimed I hit the kids!  After his all-night raging at me, he finally stopped at 6 a.m. and we all got to go to sleep.  Then I got a protection order so he had to leave.  (Just giving you the short version of all this.)

It's a few months later and after months of denials from him, he is finally taking responsibility for all the terrible things he did in our relationship and seeking a therapist.  He is also begging me to please let him come home.  He says that the therapists figured out why he goes into these rages, and in a few months of therapy he'll be fine. 

I don't want to throw away a marrige to someone I love, or deal with the kids being in two homes, and all that stuff, but I have always had to be on guard with him and I feel that if he comes back, even if he gets therapy, I'll just be waiting for the day he does something bad or controlling and I regret letting him back.  And I won't be able to get him out of the house again (this is probably the best chance I have to do it, and while the kids are young too).  But I also am afraidthat down the road I'll still love him (well I know I will) and it will really be too late to ever have any sort of relationship again.  I could hold off the divorce a bit, but that will just give him false hope and cause more hurt in a few months.

I have started divorce proceedings and it's nice that my house is so calm now.  I don't have to walk on eggshells or protect myself all the time.  But I don't want to have regrets years later.

So I am asking you all for help, any experiences you have had similar to mine or just any insight.

There's even the chance we could have a relationship again years down teh road if he can prove he really has changed, but after a divorce, it seems odd to start living together again, and that could also cause more hurt if it went south a second time.  Would love any insight on any part of this.

[elemental]

Peace of mind is of enormous value.

This person is scaring you even now. Do you really want that back in your house?

Just because you filed for divorce doesn't mean you can't put it on hold for now if you want to wait and see how he is in a few months after he follows through on therapy, and so on.

[SuperWaz]

It sounds like a few months of therapy to fix him is highly unrealistic.  Of course I don't know the situation or him, but if its BPD they recommend at least 18 months (in the UK at least).

There could be so many underlying issues that need to be fixed, you just never know.

I'm in a similar situation where my entire future and that of my kids seems dictated by her successful therapy and only the BPDSO knows whether they are doing it correctly.  It's a horrible place to be.

The one thing I can give you as way of an eye opener is that if you realised you didn't know him, there are probably many more things hidden from your view.

My SO was my perfect woman.  Clean living and promising me everything I wanted, openness, honesty, faithfulness and a wonderful future together.  I found out she had numerous risky affairs including one for the whole time we were together, lied, stole, used drugs and alcohol, and did things that would put her in jail for the rest of her life if anyone knew.  That's just the tip of the iceberg.  I thought she was perfect and this was all so carefully hidden.  When I found out and it came to a head, she continued lying for a further nine months and only me showing her concrete evidence was enough for her to own up.  Even then she apparently "didn't remember".

The only advice I can give if you want a future with him is to learn everything about the disorder, try to understand it, and pray the symptoms improve and eventually disappear.  If you don't recognise them, he will be far too adept at hiding them.  Look very closely and make sure you have the full facts before you make your decision.

That's about as good as I can give.  Sorry, I'm in a state of confusion too! 

[gina louise]

momtara,

just because you are seeking space and distance and divorce NOW doesn't mean that there is not a possible healthier future for your family.

If your HUSBAND is taking this seriously and will commit to therapy-and work on HIS issues, you need not excise him from your life, or the kids lives forever.

He can still be a good dad. My stbxBPDhh was a good dad as long as the kids didn't demand more than he was willing to give. He was a fun weekend dad to them. He was a big kid himself!

But I urge you to carry on, especially if the peace NOW feels better than anything else in the past year or so. At the least use extreme caution, maintain your boundaries, and keep some space for yourself.

PwBPD when stressed typically repeat their behaviors and fall back into old patterns, just like we do.

Successful BPD therapy takes years, from what I have seen on this site.

be careful, and do things with a view to what you need.

GL