My concerns communicated back to me as if they are his?

[wishingwell17]

I have requested a time to sit and focus to discuss our r/s since November. Each time I am told "Not this week", "after my brother leaves", "I can't till I finish X,Y,Z". I have in all cases stated "I understand, it is important to me, please let me know when this works for you." I leave it at that and move on.

We have finally scheduled a time, this evening and it looks like it will happen. I receive a call from my uBPDbf and he says:

uBPDbf: Are we going to talk tonight?

me: yes.

uBPDbf: I am frustrated.

me:  how so?

uBPDbf: I have been asking to speak to you for 3 months and it has not happened. You have talked about books and not shared them.

I feel like you are sabotaging my efforts and avoiding issues which are small but now have turned into an overwhelming mess.

me: I understand your frustration. I realize the past three months have been difficult and we may have missed opportunities. Do you feel we can talk tonight and begin the process we have both been wanting?

uBPDbf: you are not hearing me. why has this not happened in the last three months?

me: I hear you are frustrated because it has not happened in the last three months. I can understand this feels bad.

I would like to talk with you tonight and begin the conversation we have both wanted.

uBPDbf: I'm frustrated. I feel like you are avoiding things which could be discussed on a daily basis and not turn into having to be such a time consuming issue and a giant pile of garbage (his word).

me: I hear you are frustrated. I understand how the feeling of me avoiding something important to you is a challenge. I hope we can address this tonight when we talk. Is this something you would like to discuss now, on the phone?

uBPDbf: No. We can discuss it tonight.

me: This feels good to me too. Thanks, bye. (I hang up - fight avoided)



This is where I am REALLY frustrated. I have repeatedly been asking for a conversation. He has repeatedly dismissed this effort. I purchased 2 books (high conflict couple) and one just arrived today, it was back ordered. I communicated this to him in regards to waiting for the arrival.

He asked me why I had not initiated photocopies for him of the book I had in my hand. (I purchased him this same book 2 years ago and he tossed it).

I've read a few things about how some BPD people take on our concerns as their own and parrot them back to us.

Is there anything we can do to address this strange communication? 

I'm trying to simply not worry about who asked for what and move on to get the conversation started.

It does leave me with a feeling I am not heard and it feels very frustrating to me in general to hear him "blame" me for something I requested multiple times.

Just curious about this type of behavior and wondering if it is just part of how some people with BPD process and regurgitate stress.


In any event, we will "talk" tonight. I have promised myself to do the best I am able, use tools and disengage if needed... and the rest is out of my control. 

Thanks in advance for any advice, insight or help.

[wishingwell17]

p.s. one of the topics will be the cohabitation documents which I have requested if we are to continue our r/s.

He was adamantly against this concept. It is a fiscal boundary for me and a deal breaker if we cannot create some documents to protect me from his severe debt and protect my house and savings.

Next time I post I may be located on the Leaving board. ?

[patientandclear]

I think this is a variant on the principle that you must be causing whatever is wrong.  When my ex broke up w/me out of the blue & thereby broke both our hearts , he later wondered why I had done this terrible thing --he had always been willing to talk about it, but I chose not to.  In reality I practically begged him to reconsider.

I needed to be the threat to our happiness, not him. Same in your story, it seems.

Hope it is going as well as possible, though talking with someone so unconnected with objective reality is a challenge.

[wishingwell17]

patientandclear,

first thank you for your insight. Feels very similar, yes.

"I think this is a variant on the principle that you must be causing whatever is wrong."

While our talk went amazingly well, which for me translates to no yelling, no rage, no fighting, no throwing clothes out of the closets,

the content felt disturbing. As I mentioned before he takes no responsibility or expresses accountability for anything except he will say he sometimes becomes angry... .  there is always a "but" or a "because" attached which blames me for his behaviors.

I was able to communicate my concerns regarding r/s stability and how his finances coupled with the instability are indeed an obstacle for us. He hears it, acknowledges it, and then simply says my unwillingness to go along with what he wants stops our progress.

I understand how it feels this way, but there are other ways the challenges could be viewed. I tried to present different perspectives.

He seemed unwilling to entertain anything in which is was not the victim of my need to be cautious with my finances and our r/s.

When we woke up this morning he said this, which seemed very odd from someone who does not like the concept of legal marriage:

"I had a dream last night that I was still with you but getting married to my high school g/f. I can't figure out why I was marrying her?"

He knows marriage is something I want in my life at some point, he is aware of his past covert behaviors with other women.

It felt like a provocation or maybe it was just a trigger for me, either way I simply said, "maybe she needed health insurance?"

We have more to discuss, and if we continue with calm dialogue I have hope, even the saddest outcome will feel better.

thanks again for your words

[almost789]

This is clearly projection which is common for pwBPD. Not sure how to deal with it effectively. Sounds like you did very good! I know that trying to show them that, no, that wasnt me, it was you. I know that doesnt work. If youd had took the blame for it hed have been a happy camper! But you didnt. Very good.

[SuperWaz]

I believe this is pretty common, and my BPDSO used the same tactic to gain attention, positive or negative.

She would sit there and clearly be closed off to anything I was saying, apparently ignore the words, then pass them off as her own thoughts and ideas at a later date.  From this she would get one of two things:

1.  Someone telling her she's obviously getting better to understand this. (Positive)

2.  Someone (me) telling her she's just using my words and phrases verbatim. (Negative)

She would always prefer the response to be (1) but if that wasn't available, (2) would be a perfect substitute. 

The response to point (2) would always be complete surprise, blankness, or horror as though these really were her words.  Incidentally, short term memory loss is also surprisingly common with BPD.

I feel and understand your frustration, but you seem to be handling the situation very well with the things you are doing.  Just keep calm and don't "feed the beast".