Is there an "average" time frame for a recycle attempt?

[lipstick]

Hi all !

I'm looking for any and all opinions / experiences on this topic. No, I'm not looking to be "recycled". Got dumped by my uBPDexBF on October 2nd of this past year. He's been giving me the Silent Treatment ever since. I tried to get him to communicate with me for about six weeks after - then gave up.

However, I've read quite a lot of info on this "time frame" issue. Seems to me that the average time until a BPDex initiates contact is around six months. I'm just curious as to what would trigger so many of them to re-engage at the six-month mark? Just a curiosity on my part. What have your experiences been?

Thx!

[Newton]

Hey lipstick  

I haven't noticed that trend here... .  many pwBPD attempt recycles for a myriad of reasons after days, weeks months or years.

By your supposition, your ex would be contacting you in a few weeks (3 or 4?)... .  

Is that possibility something that concerns you?

[GustheDog]

Their rebound relationship fails and/or they're unable to find new sources of supply to attach to.

Also, I think that if you're split black - which seems likely - time away from you is necessary before you can become white again.  When you're black, you are a trigger for their bad feelings and disordered thoughts, so they really simply can't be around you when you're split.

Probably some combination of the above, would be my guess. 

[lipstick]

Hi Newton,

Well, I've got so many safeguards in place that he really doesn't have a way to get to me. It just seems from reading so many posts from other nons, that contact "seems" to take place within a four to six month time frame. Just curious as to what may be a catalyst for that.

[lipstick]

Hi Gus,

Yes, that makes sense.

[Newton]

I would say as an intuitive guess... .  the catalyst is the demise of the idealization phase with a new replacement partner 

So how is all this affecting you?... .  apologies... .  I haven't had a chance to read your previous posts.

[TheDude]

I've been through 3 recycles in the last 4 years. 6, 6, and 8 months (all exactly to the day or +/- 1 day - some sort of odd numbers OCD thing, I guess). Of course, I can do no right at break-up time, but the knight in shining armor when she returns. To my knowledge, there have been no rebounds (or "hosts" or "supplies", as some like to label it). It's always been about the B/W splitting component.

[waitaminute]

Lipstick

How would you respond if tonight he managed to get a message to you that said "hey.   Can you talk? It's important."

[lipstick]

Hi waitaminute,

He wouldn't / won't. Big time waif. He's back with his BPD wife. At one point in this whole ordeal - I was seriously thinking that CERTAINLY he would re-engage with me at some point, right? As far as I could tell - I was never split black. He went around telling his friends that it was him - not me. Whatever. But as time has gone on, I've been able to begin the detaching process. It ain't easy - but it IS happening. Yay, me. My friends are convinced he won't show his face and to be honest - I don't think he will either. Add to that the fact that he lives about two hours away from me. So, I think I'm safe!

[lipstick]

Hi Dude,

That must have been incredibly rough on you. Did you know about BPD when all of the "recycles" took place? I'm sorry you were hurt.

[nowwhatz]

My BPDer is a routine person 100%. Up at 4:30, coffee at 5, home at 2, nap at 3, up at 5-6, make food for kid (if home) 6-7, at casino from 7 to whenever if has $, when broke with me or trying to find other recycle guy, or horribly depressed and in bed.

So there is a very predictable pattern and even time frame.

I will not hear from her for 20 to 80 days without much deviation.  Then recycle for 3 weeks to 45 days max... .  but expiration usually always 3 weeks... .  remaining time just major annoying and aggravating.

I think I may have a good chance of breaking the recycle cycle this time since I have told her she is no longer attractive to me.  

Right now we are in the not talking part of the cycle.

[nowwhatz]

sorry dupe post.

[nylonsquid]

I've been through 3 recycles in the last 4 years. 6, 6, and 8 months (all exactly to the day or +/- 1 day - some sort of odd numbers OCD thing, I guess). Of course, I can do no right at break-up time, but the knight in shining armor when she returns. To my knowledge, there have been no rebounds (or "hosts" or "supplies", as some like to label it). It's always been about the B/W splitting component.

Fascinating. This is what I've experienced. about 6 months with her (depending on what is viewed as the 'break up' point) and 6 months without her. I've basically relived my relationship with the exact same dates as last year. Quite bizarre. I pointed that out to her as well. Unfortunately, mine finds supply/host in between. She's too desired and wanted by others that she gets snatched up.

What's also interesting is when I look back at us when we were apart, she'd message me whenever she starts longing and I probably could have snatched her up way earlier than I did. I just didn't make a move because I was still reeling from the break and I thuoght she was with someone. It didn't feel right. Then again it never does, right?  

[LuckyEscapee]

Tends to be 3-4 months for me lately, also usually after some key event like birthdays etc. the last one was after New Year whilst he was abroad on holiday with my replacement. Why then had me puzzled? It was a short interaction, where he poured on the soulmate lines and its forever NC for me from now on. I don't want him anywhere near my life.

[TheDude]

lipstick - While I can't say that I 'knew' about any specific diagnosis (and I still am somewhat hesitant to perform amateur diagnosis), I did know that something wasn't right when the first break up happened. Of course, there's the natural struggle for answers with even a normal break up, but the lead-up to, and subsequent 'dumping', were behaviors that were way disproportionate to any circumstances at the time. In other words, it all made no sense at all. AND, she did that break up... .  on her 40th birthday.

As the cycle repeated, of course... .  I knew something was not right with her. After the last one, I found my way here, as 'Cluster B' traits seemed to explain much of what's transpired. I'm also aware that I've had codependent traits in the past.

nylonsquid - "Bizarre" is a word I've used quite often when referencing my tale. I've been through a lot of different relationship scenarios over the years (I turn 50 this year), but this... .  is theater of the absurd. At this point, no - nothing about the whole thing seems "right". I do wish that when she reappears (which would seem inevitable), it's after much longer than 6 months. That doesn't seem long enough for me to achieve the detachment necessary for me to avoid being so easily seduced back into the cycle.

I want my peace of mind back.

[j4c]

As far as im aware my ex has never recycled a previous bf. We split up 9 months ago now and ive not heard from her once! I heard she was desperatley trying to find a new man (doormat) before Christmas by messaging guys for dates etc and it worked as she started seeing someone mid december n theyre still together now. From what her friends bf tells me shes only interested in fresh meat n has never been back to an ex even for one night only.

PwBPD are all individuals so they operate in different ways. If your ex is anything like mine I wouldnt hold your breathe for a recycle.