Just needed one more time

[Mind]

It happened. UBPDh hasn't spoken to me in three weeks again. I asked him a question about our finances. I haven't been able to take money out and I have personal expenses that are building up. I explained calmly what I needed to get. I work full-time!  He could have cared less and walked away saying to use my credit card. It was that moment when I clearly felt he will not change and this will not get better. I told him I need to talk to him after the kids are in bed. He went to bed.

Next day: I asked if he would pick up diapers. He does the grocery shopping but lately refuses to ask me what the family needs. He snapped at me something about how I visited a family member the last time he said he's getting groceries. Totally doesn't make sense!

Yesterday I told him again I'd like to talk to him later. He told me 'no, doubt that's going to happen. I might or might not be up.' He went to bed. Today he hands me a list of our monthly expenses- saying 'guess this is what you wanted to talk about.' I told him his behavior is once again unacceptable and I won't tolerate it. I tried to ask a question and he stormed away shouting that why do I want to talk when his behavior is unacceptable? He can't hold a reasonable conversation with me at all. I have done nothing wrong! Yet he keeps getting mad and angry at me. I'm exhausted.

I feel it in my heart that's its over. Telling him my feelings is not going to help. So this is where I am. I don't want to be near him. I wanted to peacefully end this and recommend meditation. I feel lost. Is it best to have certain things done before telling these people it's over? I have a friend who is a financial advisor who I plan to consult next week. Does it even matter if I just tell him it's over? I'm so confused.

[SuperWaz]

Keep it to yourself if you're going to leave and get everything sorted beforehand.

This guide, which you have likely read, will help.  https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

Remember, you're dealing with someone who is incapable of living in the same world as you at times, so expect all manner of crazy along the way.

Even with the chaos that will likely occur, you are strong enough to come out of the other side. Be strong and ride the impending storm.  Take care of you and your children.

[gina louise]

Sparkle13,

Been there, done that, got the belt buckle. No kids for me and stbXh though.

In the weeks before I finally screwed up my courage to leave my raging verbally/emotionally abusive bully of a h... .  he was totally disregulated towards me.

But the phone could ring and he'd say "Oh wow, HI! how's it going?" like nothing was going on. It was spooky.

His replies to me didn't make sense either. Mostly along the lines of "What do you want for lunch?" from me, and him screaming back that I was ruining his life.   "?"

He was living in a fantasy world in his own mind that I was inherently Evil, and trying to destroy him.

When mine was trying to force me out-and he knew what he was up to-he refused to give me grocery money. If my personal acct was too low for groceries he would also say charge it-but if I did who's going to pay? I am so glad that I never charged those groceries. I'd still be trying to pay that off 2 months later!

He was completely manipulative at the end. And remorseless. Zero concern for my anguish, or situation. Like I was a complete stranger. No... wait. He CARED about total strangers! He had to protect his public image.

Protect your self. Protect some assets for you-anything you can. Be dull, boring. Don't give him ammo. Don't let on it's in any way difficult for you. Stay neutral. Get outside advice.

Secure some supportive listeners, for yourself.

good luck,

GL

[Clearmind]

Sparkle, even though you have told him is behavior is unacceptable and he is retreating into his cave - you telling him you are leaving will still be a surprise!

My suggestion would be to put together a leaving plan. That link SuperWaz posted is a brillant start. And yes talk to a lawyer first - I can recommend you post on the legal board for advice on this - its best to find a lawyer who is well versed in high conflict separations/divorce. Of course laws are different between states/countries - find out your rights over the house, putting stops on bank accounts so he doesn't impulsively spend all the money, and if possible put small bits of money away - leave it with a family member.

I hope you are travelling OK.

[momtara]

He sounds like my hubby.  Didn't want to help with the kids, could never commit even to a time to talk.  Your leaving may indeed be a complete shock to him and eventually, once he gets past the anger, he may make concessions.  Stand firm until ALL normal behavior is agreed to (don't give in based on a few empty promises).  When I finally got away from my hubby, I felt bad for a while, but I also felt like I could breathe again.  We have two little kids so I am not sure what will happen next.  It certainly complicates things, but it's worth it.  Please keep me updated.  A lot of people here have older kids, and I'm wondering the best thing to do for my kids - have their dad back in the house, with counseling, or go through with a divorce, or something in the middle?  So I know how you feel.

[GreenMango]

Many members have separate bank accounts.  Since you work why not open up a new one with your name only and have your checks directly deposited into it.

Sometimes it means small moves to bring more stability.  It also helps when you start to look at the choosing a path lessons.