EXIT PLAN - leaving tomorrow. Advice?

[Depression = 72% of members]

l am glad you are out safe.  That was kind of you to call his therapist to advise her of the situation (I did the same thing.)  I am glad to hear you have a friend coming over.  I was where you were in May, I enlisted some friends to help me move out and when it was done I totally broke down in the car with my friend.  What you have done took a lot of courage.  We are still here to help if you need to talk!   

[Changed4safety]

l am glad you are out safe.  That was kind of you to call his therapist to advise her of the situation (I did the same thing.)  I am glad to hear you have a friend coming over.  I was where you were in May, I enlisted some friends to help me move out and when it was done I totally broke down in the car with my friend.  What you have done took a lot of courage.  We are still here to help if you need to talk!   

[GreenMango]

Definitely glad to hear you made it safely to your parents.

What about the bank accounts?  Do you guys have a joint account?  Did you get this situated?

Also you might want to let the HR department at work know what is going on since you work together.

Maybe now is a good time to think about the plan after the leaving plan.  Things like how you are going to handle communication with him, review some value based boundaries, and the personal taking care of you stuff as the emotions of this start to settle in.

[OTH]

Hope all is well. Let us know how you are doing. 

[trouble11]

I sure wish ACR would get home from work.  I'm sure I'm speaking for a few of us when I say I'm both excited and worried for her.  I'm having my first decent day, but can't stay away from here on account of wanting to know how things are going for her.  I can't imagine having to work in the same building with mine.  That's got to quadruple the stress.

[Cmjo]

Yes we are waiting with baited breath... .  ! Good luck to you, you sound very decided, after 4 months of detaching you feel ready and you know you are doing the right thing. Life might sound scary without him, but really so many new possibilities are opening up to you. You can be positive, and happy , and feel joy, and forget the anxiety and misery... .  its called FREEDOM to be yourself once again. In my case, probably feeling myself for the first time ever, as so much analysis over the years which led me to leave ... .  has at 46 finally brought home what being me is about... .  

There are so many here routing for you. Hope is reaction is not extreme, maybe keep your head down for a couple of weeks.

[atcrossroads]

To ALL,

All is well!  

I will share details, but first I must thank each and every one of you for your concern, encouragement, and reinforcement! I have an amazing "real" support system of friends and family, but this forum really is like a special kind of club, isn't it?  Even with my closest friends and family (exception of 3 friends who have had experience with BPD (w/NPD traits)), I don't try to explain fully because these r/s are way too complicated and mystifying to any but to those who have experienced them.  All of your messages are exactly the sort of wisdom I need to hear, and I must print them, so I can post/carry them and refer to them.  

The Update:   I was a frazzled, sweaty, nervous wreck.  I kind of came undone once I got here and was done and reality sunk in.  My brother stopped by after work and stayed for about an hour, which was a huge comfort.  He offered for me to come to his house if I felt uneasy staying alone and gave me some great advice after reading my email to my husband.  After he left, three friends came -- the first one who showed up is a word master and helped me further revise my email, helping me to avoid any legal obligation regarding house (if he stalls on selling).  Second friend showed up with drinks/food - we relaxed, talked, laughed.  I felt lighter.  Third friend called and asked if it were ok for her to check on me and spend the night (she is single, no kids).  I said, "HECK, YES!"  I was uncomfortable staying alone.

By this time we had a little party.  We go back ten to twenty years and have been through all sorts of things together.  It was wonderful to have them there.  All three of them know him quite well and support me 100%.

After friend 1 and 2 went home, friend 3 had some work to do and I went to spend time with cat.  It wasn't until then that I checked my email and was pleasantly surprised that my husband had responded calmly and reasonably.  I expected vitriol, but he mainly talked about the house and said he hated how it all ended.  Oddly, he did not even mention the cat which shocked me.  

My cat is purring and eating, but he has not peed for nearly 36 hours.  My vet told if he doesn't go by 8 or 9 to take him to ER vet, which I fully intend to do as I know how serious blockage can be in male cats.  She said it is not abnormal for cats to hold it this long in a move or stressful situation, but of course to err on side of caution.  His bladder is not hard, and he doesn't seem uncomfortable; he just wants to stay under the bed.

I just wish he would go so I don't have to traumatize him more by a vet run (plus I sure don't feel like going to the vet at 8/9pm either!).

So, all is well.  I'm emotional and exhausted but feeling pretty strong and clear-headed.  I am have soo many things yet to do - attorney, divorce, sell house, work on SELF, etc., but over the feelings of stress and grief, I feel RELIEF.

Sorry I am so long-winded, but again, I am so grateful for everyone's advice and support - it means the world, and I will not be leaving this forum any time soon!  

Atcrossroads No More  

[atcrossroads]

Yes we are waiting with baited breath... .  ! Good luck to you, you sound very decided, after 4 months of detaching you feel ready and you know you are doing the right thing. Life might sound scary without him, but really so many new possibilities are opening up to you. You can be positive, and happy , and feel joy, and forget the anxiety and misery... .  its called FREEDOM to be yourself once again. In my case, probably feeling myself for the first time ever, as so much analysis over the years which led me to leave ... .  has at 46 finally brought home what being me is about... .  

There are so many here routing for you. Hope is reaction is not extreme, maybe keep your head down for a couple of weeks.

I love this message, Cmjo!  I will turn 45 later this week.  Thank you!

[Changed4safety]

Thank you for letting us hear from you!  It sounds as if all went as well as could be expected.  Keep us posted, hopefully it will all continue to go well, but I am sure there will be bumps.   

[OTH]

Glad you are well. A million things to worry about but it helps to be out and get your head clear again. Relax a bit then sit down and think out a plan forward. Focus on what you need and seek support for your mixed feelings from friends and family. Avoid the drama if possible but think beforehand how you will respond. A well thought out plan will make it easier. 

Best wishes

[mssomebodynice]

Reading this.  Reading about you.  We are all cheering you on.  It is like I want to shout run... .  run and don't look back.  You run and find life again.  A special life for you.  The one you should have.  Just run!  I am so happy you are ok and you did it!  You are an inspiration.  So happy for you.  I am really happy for you.  I wish I could see you... .  just know I am smiling for you. 

[atcrossroads]

Reading this.  Reading about you.  We are all cheering you on.  It is like I want to shout run... .  run and don't look back.  You run and find life again.  A special life for you.  The one you should have.  Just run!  I am so happy you are ok and you did it!  You are an inspiration.  So happy for you.  I am really happy for you.  I wish I could see you... .  just know I am smiling for you. 

If you could see me, you would see me smiling, calm, peaceful with my kitty making biscuits by my side.  The smile is from reading your message.  There are so many strong, optimistic, encouraging, GOOD people on here... .  it's so twisted how the nicest (too nice) end up with the cruelest. 

Anyway, just as I was about to take cat to ER vet at 11pm (UGH), he PEED.  He peed a ton... .  in the box!  I almost cried.  I gave him treats and brushed him and praised and he strutted around.  Little booger had been HOLDING IT (from stress, but STILL) for 40 hours!

So, right now all I feel is peace, safety, and relief that my cat doesn't have a blockage ;-)

All those little (and big) bumps are going to be coming my way... .  starting tonight with a rude email about how sick and cruel it was for me to take the cat, etc. and demanding to know about finances.  Just lashing out.  I validated the cat thing and said he could visit, etc.  Cleared up the financial talk.  But he is clearly in a foul mood now.  I did not see him at work today but I saw one of his cronies (super negative guy like himself) and just seeing him made me feel tense because of all the smearing.  But, we go days and weeks without even running into each other so it's not that bad.  I just hope once divorce goes through, he will move.  That's down the road... .  

I am going to print this whole thread out... .  I do feel like a survivor, even though I know there is much to go and much self-examination ahead.  Thanks to all and sleep tight.   

[Clearmind]

I admire your clarity and maturity cross roads. You are handling yourself with grace and also allowing yourself to just be without placing blame on you!

Congratulations for being true to yourself   a happy life is beginning for you now - victim no longer!

PS: so pleased kitty peed

[Weird Fishes]

So happy for you!  I was crying reading this thread.  You are so brave!    

[myself]

Once the cat took stock of the situation, felt calm enough, and then took care of business, things worked out fine. He was even rewarded! Sounds familiar. Do you see yourself, and echoes of your own story, in there? Good for you to be out, and settling into your next chapter as best you can. Glad to hear your H has been being civil about it, too. Your circles of support will continue as you follow through with moving on. As will personal growth.

[atcrossroads]

Once the cat took stock of the situation, felt calm enough, and then took care of business, things worked out fine. He was even rewarded! Sounds familiar. Do you see yourself, and echoes of your own story, in there? Good for you to be out, and settling into your next chapter as best you can. Glad to hear your H has been being civil about it, too. Your circles of support will continue as you follow through with moving on. As will personal growth.

What a great perspective, Myself, and no I had not thought of it at all.  My brain feels like mush right now.  I am hopeful that our future will be a good one (me and kitty)... .  it's quite a process, and I am taking it one step at a time.  Husband's civility lasted only that one email.  He has sent two now that were quite vitriolic, but I responded as reasonably as I think I could.  I worry for him and wish I knew how he was doing, and I wish he would get some help.  I'm working on me now and trying to let go of that concern (and I must say, it's lessening now), but it's still there... .  

I'm very exhausted and hoping to get a much needed and solid night of sleep tonight.

I hope all of you are well... .  each of us is going through (or has gone through) such similar situations.  Like I said, it's like a little club here -- for insiders only.  I will try to see it all not with bitterness but as an opportunity for learning and growth.  Thank you again for your tremendous support, and I hope I can do the same for others here.   

ACR (no more).

[Changed4safety]

You are a wonderful example to others that this CAN be done.  I will follow your healing reports as long as you wish to post them.  Don't be embarassed if you backslide, most of us have, just come here and we will support one another! 

[atcrossroads]

Thank you, Changed.  I never thought this was how my life/marriage would turn out, and I suspect we all feel that.  I am determined to find my joy again and work through all the pain and let go of the loss of the "good" (for me that seems to be the hardest part).

I left work early because of my cat -- He has urinated just the one time since Tue am.  I am here with him in the room, coaxing him to get in the box and just GO.  In touch with the vet and keeping a close eye on him. 

[Changed4safety]

I know how important those little guys can be... .  mine is 18 years old and just got back from the vet myself.  Sending good thoughts, you are being a great kitty mom even during your tough time!   

[atcrossroads]

I've been on computer way too long this morning, and I'm getting off now, but I wanted to update that kitty PEED!

Went 40 hours first time - peed after I coaxed him in box.  Then he went another 48 (!) hours - so we went to ER vet last night, where he had a sample taken with needle (he's clear/no UTI), and then promptly peed all over himself in his carrier.  Poor little guy.  This morning he peed in his box on his own before I woke up.  YES!  Vet's diagnosis was "He doesn't like moving."     He was holding it the entire time from stress.  But the floodgates seem open now, thank goodness.

Thank you all for the amazing support this week.  I finally slept decently last night and have friends coming over tonight.  I feel as though my journey is just beginning... .  Here we go!

[Surnia]

This morning he peed in his box on his own before I woke up.  YES!  Vet's diagnosis was "He doesn't like moving."    

Glad that all went well also with your cat! Step by step into your new life! 

[atcrossroads]

This morning he peed in his box on his own before I woke up.  YES!  Vet's diagnosis was "He doesn't like moving."    

Glad that all went well also with your cat! Step by step into your new life! 

Thank you, Surnia!  He did not pee last night, but again, he did on his own this morning before I awoke.  YES!  He is not drinking too much, so I am ok with one pee a day for now.  He is transitioning, as am I (Thank you, Myself for THAT wonderful insight).   

We are snuggling right now and his purr is roaring.  Baby steps... .