cant deal with 2 things at the same time

[lovesjazz]

Has anyone experienced their BPD not being able to emotionally focus on 2 areas at the same time? Every time our BPDs gets involved witha girl, he becomes disregulated. This is a pattern we are seeing. He is all into his job until he meets a girl and gets involved, then he starts not caring and finding excuses about work. Does anyone know wnat that is about? I dont know how to reapond when he starts complaining about work. I want to say"skip the girl and focus on  keeping yourself fo used". But I know it will fall on deaf ears.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Could this be a sign of black and white thinking? Only being able to hold one 'good' r/s at a time? Just a guess.

Wonder how to validate the feelings going on here? Maybe that would at least open his mind to alternative ways of feeling -- then thinking -- then acting.

qcr  

[sunshineplease]

Hey, lovesjazz, I saw something similar with my daughter. Once she was in a serious relationship, she felt she was accepted, and could relax and be herself. In short, she stopped trying. It was almost as if the relationship itself was an addictive drug that let her forget her pain/issues and just coast. "Love" (along with psych meds) is one of the few societally acceptable escapes from pain, and I think that makes it hard for pwBPD to see as a problem.

I think qcarolr is onto something with the idea of validating some of what your son is feeling. Does his g/f help him feel accepted and loved? Is she easy to be with? Fun? Does she help him feel hopeful about his future, his "lovablity"?

[momontherun]

Perhaps, he can only focus on one emotional thing at a time due to the stress of either situation? Both can be very stressful and overwhelming which can create anxiety inducing even more increased stress making doing both extremely difficult then add in BPD to the mix... .  

This is an interesting look at what stress does to the body as scientists understand it in a "normal" person: www.fi.edu/learn/brain/stress.html#top

Looking into this further I came across a bunch of different studies looking at the impact of stress and the BPD from different angles: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed?term=BPD%20stress%20%20research&itool=QuerySuggestion Some have been completed while others are ongoing ... .  all very interesting I think. 

[lovesjazz]

Thank you all for your views. I dont know the girl as he lives across the country.  Do you think it would be safe to say,"try to balance your social life and work life... .  I know it is hard, but try to stay focused"? This is so frustrating because it is a repeated pattern and I can see it coming.

[Kate4queen]

My son could only ever focus on one thing at a time and there was no bargaining with him about finding a middle path, he either did something or he didn't and that included classes, girls, and friends. At 16 he was obsessed with a 14 yr old girl who was absolute poison for him (now I think she was also BPD, so go figure). The break up of that relationship made him refuse to go back to school even though she'd left the area because he didn't want to see her friends or think she might be keeping tabs on him.

We tried very hard to help him see that he didn't have to stop doing something entirely but it never worked.

Hopefully you will be more successful than we were.You have to keep trying and hope something will get through.

[lbjnltx]

That is a valid concept... .  living a balanced life.  I consistantly remind my d that she has to stay in the moment, pay attention where attention is needed, and find the balance... .  to have the ability to play... .  she needs to work... .  that one provides the path to other...

It works for her.

[qcarolr]

Looking into this further I came across a bunch of different studies looking at the impact of stress and the BPD from different angles: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed?term=BPD%20stress%20%20research&itool=QuerySuggestion Some have been completed while others are ongoing ... .  all very interesting I think. 

Interesting research study, though very small population. Need more of this, just as this abstract suggests.

qcr  

[MammaMia]

Oh yes.  If you give my BPD son two tasks to complete (at the same time or consecutively)... .  he

gets overwhelmed.  Has to tackle one thing at a time.  He makes lists and crosses things off as he completes them.  It is laundry or dishes... .  and these are simple issues.

[opheliasmom]

hi lovesjazz,

my daughter wBPD 19 beahves the same way your son does.  It takes her about five minutes to fall in love, everything else in her life falls by the wayside and then she is devastated when the romance implodes.  I want to give her advice but I find validating her feelings works better. 

She still makes the same mistakes, but she can't blame my advice when things don't work out.  I am practicing validation and I find that when I just listen and empathize she sometimes does work out her problems on her own.  However, I am pretty sure a non pwBPD is difficult to reason with when they are IN LOVE