Rip the band-aid off or pull slowly for a 3 year old?

[buddhabox]

I have a million questions. 

My uBPD bf has been threatening to leave both our lives (D3).  After a 10 year relationship creating a business and a daughter... .  I've been treading water and taking my time with my exit.  I am moved out and I was continuing to work in the business for $ a few days a week.  He was able to see her (with me around for the most part) and I was able to continue making some money.

He had a serious rage last week, took my key and told me he never wanted to see me again... .  he would see her when she turns 18.  Of course, all this has been said and done before. 

She has not had an easy time adjusting to her new home as we moved out and daddy stayed at "home."  She was in his arms during the last incident.  She heard everything/felt everything.

I signed a 6month lease at my new place.  My goal was to take the next 6months and allow him to see her when I went in to work but slowly see less and less so that she grasps the concept of living with me only.  He was able to lock in a new girlfriend before I even moved out so I expected she would take up his free time and he would start asking to see D3 less anyway. 

Since the last incident. He has sent me a text saying " Im guessing you wont let me see D3, because of your bad attitude so I'd like my car, phone computer etc back."  Since we have a business together most everything I use ... .  is in the business name-CONTROL.  I don't know how to respond.  I don't know if I should just return everything and keep him out of our life forever.  What do I tell my daughter? 

Or do I allow him to see her somehow for the next 6 months... .  as I still foresee him bailing soon anyway?

I don't plan on taking him to court for the business, because of this disorder... .  I can't even fathom what he would do.  He has already said he would never pay me child support.  I feel like if I did pursue him in court ... .  he would continue to stay in her life out of spite.

If I allow him to see her for a brief time, I might be able to keep my car... .  he might pay me the $ he owes me. Financially things would be easier on me until I have my next job in place and can find a new car etc.

I just feel like this will never be over. Will he come back in a year? two? when she's 10? I wanted her to be able to be around him (within reason) to better understand my decisions and understand who he is.  He has 2 teen daughters that invested too much in him because they did not see him regularly.  They have suffered in ways I don't want my daughter to.

what do you say to a 3 year old?

[DreamGirl]

hi buddhabox,



You sound really anxious - which is almost always part of the emotional upheaval in divorce.

What are you doing to take care of yourself? Talking to a therapist? Are you getting enough sleep?

I understand not wanting to go to court - but I don't know that is in your best interest (or your daughter's). If you don't have a parenting plan in place, then it's a free-for-all legally when it comes to your little girl. Your exbf can pick his daughter up whenever he wants from wherever he wants - tomorrow, two years from now, 10 years from now.

I understand that child support is not something that he's interested in paying, but that's just not how it works. That's not really in the best interest of your daughter either, to have you taking care of her full time and he doesn't help financially (or physically it sounds like).

What kind of parenting schedule do you think would be in her best interest?

What do you think he's interested in? Every other weekend? A few hours on Saturdays?

what do you say to a 3 year old?

That you love her.

That it will all be OK.




~DreamGirl

[momtara]

You know, you can get court orders for child support or a parenting plan and stuff during a physical separation, without needing to file for divorce.  Lots of lawyers will give you a free phone referral.  If there is a local mom's messageboard in your area, ask for referrals to lawyers who might talk to you.

[buddhabox]

hi buddhabox,



You sound really anxious - which is almost always part of the emotional upheaval in divorce.

What are you doing to take care of yourself? Talking to a therapist? Are you getting enough sleep?

I understand not wanting to go to court - but I don't know that is in your best interest (or your daughter's). If you don't have a parenting plan in place, then it's a free-for-all legally when it comes to your little girl. Your exbf can pick his daughter up whenever he wants from wherever he wants - tomorrow, two years from now, 10 years from now.

I understand that child support is not something that he's interested in paying, but that's just not how it works. That's not really in the best interest of your daughter either, to have you taking care of her full time and he doesn't help financially (or physically it sounds like).

What kind of parenting schedule do you think would be in her best interest?

What do you think he's interested in? Every other weekend? A few hours on Saturdays?

Yes, very anxious!  I go through bouts of peace and then freaking again like I need to anticipate his next move.  Yes, I'm in counseling.  Very happy with the person I have been seeing for about a year.  I have just recently committed to seeing T on a more consistent basis as this is all new ground for me (split) and I really need to start focusing on healing myself.

I want her to be with me as much as possible.  I want her to understand she lives with me and can depend on me.  I want to show her how peaceful a home can be without him.  He is asking for every weekend but I don't really feel I can commit at this time due to the fact that I need to find income and a new car.  He told me this evening as long as I bring her to him when he wants(he refuses to meet me half way/on neutral ground) not a second late he will continue to let me use "his" car and pay for my insurance ( which he really doesn't even pay for).

I want NOTHING held over my head any longer and need some time to secure $ and find a suitable replacement car and job. 

So I guess I'm just stuck doing another thing he asks until I can secure my own car?

[mamachelle]

buddhabox,

Hi. Sounds like you are in a very difficult place.

I would call in all reinforcements and stable friends for helping with babysitting, rides, et al. Refusing child support! oh no...   he can not do that!

Contact your local women's shelter for advice for your area.

He is abusive and you may need a restraining order as he is taking away your livelihood, your housing, and using your daughter as some kind of pawn. He has put her in danger already with  his behavior. I may not have all the right words right now, but a women's shelter can help you reframe all this into the abuse that it really is so you can get the RO.

My restraining order had a few lines for child support as well if I remember. I was able to get that for free in the courthouse as they had a women's aid office right in the basement. One of their volunteers took me in that day now 8 years ago last week in front of the judge and started my legal process of getting away from exBPDH. I hired a lawyer few days later.

Consult with an attorney soon.

Good luck and keep fighting. Your DD will survive and thrive. My DD were 5 and almost 8 and are now 13 and almost 16. This is the scary time but it will get better and your DD will be so much healthier for the steps you are taking now.

More later as your drama unfolds, many of us here have so much advice to offer so keep coming back.

[Cmjo]

Hi buddabox

You sound confused like I was... .  I still am. Some nons seem to be clearer about how to deal with abuse, suggest going straight to court, no contact... .  

It depends what is right for you, you can take advice but need to go at your own pace.

I also left the family home 3 months ago, my kids are older 9 and 11. His moods have varied from silence and violence (to my property) for the ist month, contrition for a few days, then accusatory and threatening, nice again, flowers and chocolates then back to raging and abuse, oh and a new woman in our bed, discovered one morning as me and D 11 went round to pick up some books for school. He has refused to cooperate with me to arrange who will pick up kids from school making my work life a misery, being outraged when I asked for a structure and a 50% contribution to child expenses.

All this time because he was making my life hell and I left, I have been recovering in a small flat, with three knives forks and spoons, all my clothes still in plastic bin bags that he threw into the garden in the rain (oh he said he didnt realise it was going to rain thatnnight). I came away from the relationship with no material possessions... .  a few books and a laptop... .  but have my two precious children, who despite the brainwashing they are getting from him are doing ok... .  I think they will be ok.

He has written abusive emails saying he is going to take away my car, as his dad bought it for us. He told the children to give me a message that I wasnt to use my house keys anymore but must ring the bell, that was just days before I found HER there.

What I realise is that I have to stop responding, I will not write him another email. I will not call him unless there is an emergency with the children.

I am a lawyer and deal with family cases, but I just cant face going to court in this situation. ... but the reality is dawning that I may have to. Otherwise every weekend I wondernwhich days I will be able to go to the office next week... .  I stay at home all weekend as I never know what day or what time they will go to him. But I know he is just WAITING for me to take him to court... .  so he can use the line "you think you are better than me because you are a grand lawyer... " Knowing that its a jibe that I find really offensive. So that is a way of controlling me so I dont. So I think I better had!

Good luck, keep posting and you will find a solution, get through the ups and downs, your daughter needs you, and when you have your head above water again, you will remember what its like to be YOU!