Family stepped in

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My husband has become increasingly paranoid and abusive. He ended up coming round and shouting at me aggressively in front of our d3, I asked him to leave and he went up the street screaming. He then sent threatening messages. His family have stepped in he is staying at his brothers. We are not to have any contact. Its v sad after 12 yrs. I understand he is in pain. I am hurting too. My daughter is wondering where her dad is and asking questions, and getting v clingy, she is 3.

Can anyone help me with he following, I dont know how to explain things to my daughter. She asked why Daddy was screaming at Mummy. She wants to know why she cant see him. I have arranged for family members to chaperone them for now. Its v strange for her. Also i am worried she will get BPD herself and start getting abandonment fears. How do I handle that?

Also I am afraid of the whole custody battle, he isn't stable enough to take her alone. I have to protect her. Any advice?

[Lolly]

My husband has become increasingly paranoid and abusive. He ended up coming round and shouting at me aggressively in front of our d3, I asked him to leave and he went up the street screaming. He then sent threatening messages. His family have stepped in he is staying at his brothers. We are not to have any contact. Its v sad after 12 yrs. I understand he is in pain. I am hurting too. My daughter is wondering where her dad is and asking questions, and getting v clingy, she is 3.

Can anyone help me with he following, I dont know how to explain things to my daughter. She asked why Daddy was screaming at Mummy. She wants to know why she cant see him. I have arranged for family members to chaperone them for now. Its v strange for her. Also i am worried she will get BPD herself and start getting abandonment fears. How do I handle that?

Also I am afraid of the whole custody battle, he isn't stable enough to take her alone. I have to protect her. Any advice?

[DreamGirl]

 

This stuff is so hard.

I always recommend the book An Umbrella for Alex for the little ones.

Did you get a restraining order? Or is the no contact voluntary on his part?

I'm glad that his family has stepped in to help and are supportive of you and your daughter. My stepdaughters Mama's family was very helpful in buffering some of the conflict that was apparent in those first months of the divorce too. Do you trust them to remain objective?

I might explain to your daughter that Mommy and Daddy just aren't getting along right now - but that you both love her very much and that will never change (kids in divorce often fear that they will lose the love of a parent). I also might consider getting a counselor involved, even a couple sessions helps kiddos in the transition stages of divorce.

Do you have an attorney yet?  

[mamachelle]

Can anyone help me with he following, I dont know how to explain things to my daughter. She asked why Daddy was screaming at Mummy. She wants to know why she cant see him. I have arranged for family members to chaperone them for now. Its v strange for her. Also i am worried she will get BPD herself and start getting abandonment fears. How do I handle that?

Also I am afraid of the whole custody battle, he isn't stable enough to take her alone. I have to protect her. Any advice?

Hi Lolly,

Your DD3 will be much better and more stable for the actions you are taking now. I think consulting with an attorney is a good idea. If you want supervised visitation with family members that you trust present that can be written in to the temporary parenting plan. Since you use Mummy I am thinking you may be in the UK and I am not sure of all the laws. I would suggest posting some in the legal boards for separating and divorcing for exact wording. Seek an attorney soon.

My DD were 5 and almost 8 and are now 13 and 16. They have done well and have grown up to be wonderful kids. I always told them some version of the truth without slamming their Dad. There is more to the story but I will spare you that as you are in crisis mode.

Kids can't develop BPD either from circumstances like this at this age, your daughter is showing she is aware and that is the first step into learning how to deal with the mentally ill and unstable person her Dad has become. She will need a T at some point. She will need help processing this all. I would consult with a local child therapist too.

These boards are a gold mine of resources and help so use them as much as you can as you go through this process. There are some great books but I am not sure what is good for a 3 year old.

[Lolly]

Thanks both for your comments. Yes I am in UK. No court order as yet him staying away has been imposed by his family really. I just told dd that he has a poorly head and that means we cant see him much at the minute, she has been asking why we cant all be together and I said because daddy's poorly head makes him cross with mummy sometimes. I said it will be ok she can still see both of us and we both love her and I will always be there for her. She is waking up having nightmares and generally getting upset.

I will get a copy of the book you mention and look into therapy for her for when the time comes.

I cant see an end to all of this right now, I keep hoping to get to the brow of the hill but its just out of reach x

[Cmjo]

Hi Lolly

Poor you, you must be in shock... .  or was this building up for a long time. You were with him for 12 years, has he only started being paranoid or abusive now?

I just came out of a 12 year relationship, it was tough going and stressful since our kids were born within 2 years of each other, I am in another country now, I had to learn a new language, deal with d11'smedical issues for the first two years of her life, try to get my career going again... .  as it slowly dawned on me that exuBPDbf was not the dream husband as under the lovely exterior were all sorts of phobias and anxiety that made him such an unhappy and angry man. I could not face reality for a long time, I thought it would be more painful to leave than to stay.

I left three months ago, I am living round the corner from him in a mini flat, he has the grand house even though its in my name, because Im a softie and I think that he is the one that most needs stability. D11 and s9 go back and forth between us, but he has become abusive every time I have rejected his attemps to make me move back, and point blank refused to cooperate in picking up the kids fromschool knowing how much it will disrupt my life. So I have decided to go LC - limited but almost nil contact - for three months, because even though I have left he is still managing to make me suffer, and I need to recover.

I am sure you are a great mum, at age 3 your daughter will cope fine with your loving and support, she will be easily distracted. Its easier for them than for us... .  !

Good luck and let us know... .  by the way I am originally from the UK too.

[Lolly]

Thanks for your post. I have still had NC although the little one is seeing him via trusted family members. I understand he has all his family running around after him making a fuss, funny how they can see how ill he is now I am not taking care of him for them.

I believe he is trying to get a flat. I have consulted a lawyer, i need to move forward on divorce proceedings really but difficult if we are not even speaking.

I have no idea what his state of mind is like.

I still cant believe this is happening, I have seen a T, i think i did everything for him for 10 years or so, when we had our Dd, the attention moved from him and I expected him to become a parent, he doesn't have it in him. I was asking him to be something he doesn't know how to be, thats when it all started to unravel but he hid it for so long it was only when he attempted suicide it all came out.