DD - dirty drug screen. Now in jail

[peaceplease]

My dd went to set up her house arrest, this morning.  She did not heed my warnings about having a positive drug screen.  I knew that she was smoking pot, but she said that she is not on probation.  She was under false assumption they would allow for the first one to be dirty.

But, she has a history of the positive screens.  I knew there would be no forgiveness.  Automatic 60 day jail sentnece.   She was stunned.

I just told her that her actions affected me.(Yeah, I made it all about me.  I was still hurt over cruel words to me yesterday)  And, if she got work release, then I could not drive there and take her every day.  That would be 35 miles a day on my car.  I don't have the money to pay for it.  By, the time I got home, I decided that I could take the money out of her income tax refund and take her.

She called me and asked me to please agree to transport her and she will pay me.  I agreed, if she still had a job.  She was on the schedule thinking they would allow her to go to work this week.  However, she did not factor in possible jail sentence.   The judge told her that she can be released for work when she gives a clean urine.  That will be about 30 days.  I called and told her boss that she was in jail.  They would allow for work release, but it will take at least one to two weeks.  He said okay.  I doubt they will hold her job.

My heart is really breaking for my gs. :'(  I can't bring him to see his mother while she is in jail.  You visit with a glass between you and talk on the phone.  And, she will be in handcuffs.  And, my gs dad will probably tell him that his mom is a loser in jail. 

Now, the income tax filing is a story.  The deal her exbf came up with was they would take turns claiming my gs.  He has that set up with all his baby mom's.(lovely)  Technically, he does not work on paper, so he can't claim kids.  But, his mother is claiming them.  She wanted me to talk to his mom and ask her to permit my dd to claim.  She has a big fine to pay.  I was going to file for her, anyways.  But, looked at the  big picture.  Her exbf would find out in about two weeks.  He would retaliate in not letting me see my gs for the next two months.

I don't think they will agree.  However, I have a plan.  I am not going to do my dd's taxes until she is released.  Even if his mother does claim my gs, then IRS will ask her to repay.   My dd has wages on paper.   I think the parent would have rights to file before a grandparent.  They have 50/50 custody, but the one with the higher wages is the one who gets to claim the child.  I think that my dd would be able to get the refund.  It may take longer.  However, I am not going to risk not seeing my gs for 60 days.

She has been running me ragged the last few days.  At one point, I said to my dh, that it would be easier for me if she went to jail.  I guess I should be careful what I wish for.  I just wanted a little break.   But, really, not at the expense of my gs.  And, not at the expense of her losing her self esteem because she will lose her job.

So, asking for prayers that she is comforted. Prayers that my gs will be okay.  Prayers that the end result will be to her benefit. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Dear Peaceplease,

Sorry to hear that your dd could not successfully complete her probationary period.  Our kids push and push the envelope right off the edge... .  so dissappointing. :'(

How can you make the most of this time that she is away?  I understand you don't want to get involved with the IRS situation... it really isn't your place or your problem... please don't take on what isn't yours to fix... .  you need to take care of self sweety... .  self.  If you don't... .  who will?  Who will be there for precious gs if you are not well and healthy?  Who can model the behaviors and have the consistancy that he needs?


 

lbj

[qcarolr]

peaceplease - so sorry this is hard for you. Remember - you are not the one with pot in her pee. Let these natural consequences fall on your DD - they belong to her, not you. She will follow the old pattern of shifting them to you, and you have the old pattern of accepting as yours, and working working to solve them when you really have no say in the solutions. Same with the exbf/daddy/'MIL' - allow them to keep their problems and find the solutions.

I know all this in my mind - I have trouble following my own advice often. Just love these 'kids' beyond all reason.

Find some respite - enjoy your gs time - let your DD own her custody situation. You will be a nicer, calmer grandma if you can find the strength to let go a little more.

qcr  

[cfh]

peaceplease

As you know my ds is in jail going on 2 1/2 months.  He has been given the opportunity to go into a long term residential program (12-18 months) or do 3 years in prison back in Colorado.

Sometimes we have to step back and let the cards fall as they may.  My ds either will or will not be able to complete the program... .  I just don't know.

I have a gs and I can't imagine bringing him to see his father in jail or what pain it would bring to have them separated (this is my gs from my nonBPD son so just speculating).

Our kids NEED to learn.  If we keep rescuing them how will that happen?  Can it happen?

It's so hard to make the right decision.  But for the record my ds is better in jail than he has been in a long time and by that I mean he is stable because his meds are monitored and the structure is very calming for him.  He's had lots of time to think and I think he's gained a bit of insight.

Just my thoughts... stay tuned.

[peaceplease]

Thanks ladies. 

lbj - Yes.  I will try to focus on taking better care of self. 

qcr - Yes.  They are her consequences.  That was the choice she made.  She chose to take the chance and not listen to my warnings.  But, then how many listen to advice from mom?   I did contact her case manager that she felt betrayed her.  She felt deserted when she had to go to her hearing on 1/3 without her case manager. Her case manager told me that she tried numerous times to contact my dd.  She changed her phone number.  But, case manager said she will visit her in jail.

My dh has this insane idea that she should move in with us.  I told him NO.  We have BTDT already.   I really don't know what he is thinking.  Like we are going to save her.  It was a disaster when she lived with us.

cfh - I am glad that your ds gets to go to residential treatment in NY.  How close would they be to you?   And,I am not taking my gs t see her in jail.  She is hoping that she will get work release in few weeks. (hope they hold her job) She wants me to take gs to see her at work.  She works at a restaurant.  She doesn't want anyone to tell him that she is in jail. She wants us to tell him that she is very busy working.    I don't agree with that. 

I do believe that things happen for a reason.  And, perhaps this is the way my prayers are being answered.  Lessons that she needs to learn.

[cfh]

peaceplease

We are always looking for answers when sometimes there are none.  I truly don't know what I would do if there were a grandchild involved.

Thank you for asking about our ds... .  yes he will be close enough that we can see him often and his brother, nephew and cousins, aunts, uncles will be just a few minutes away. 

He really is so much better when he knows we are all close by and backing him up.  But in the end it is up to him to do the work. 

I'm working on not worrying so much, I'm really working hard on it and trying to let it go.

But I'm struggling I must admit! So scared he will fail again and end up in prison.  I hate how my mind fast forwards to worst case scenario!

[Thursday]

peaceplease,

So, so sorry you are experiencing a new round of difficulties.

Who knows what will happen. Hold fast to the idea that sometimes the worst situation can bring about change.

Hold fast to not holding on... .  

I am learning at every turn that when we let go of outcomes my BPDSD21 can learn. I say "can" because learning isn't a given. When we intervene she misses the step and also, most importantly, when we step in with advice she loses track of where she is, as if by stepping in we strip her of everything, including the natural consquences.

It's not an easy thing to remain aloof and disengaged... .  especially when, don't you know, "we are the only voice of reason"... .  what good really, does it do us to be so wise and awesome in her mind? She will continue to blame us when her next move fails. Taking away the advice means she will... .  

A) seek out advice from someone else. When she gets the same advice that we would give her from someone else, especially someone she has respect for, it rings inside her head, and rrrrresonates. Buzzzzzzzzzzz... .  

B) make a move on her own. Practice makes perfect. Maybe she will learn from her mistakes. No chance for this to happen when we are too ready with our thoughts.

I'm terribly sorry your grandson is such a moveable piece in this chess game. He will know he's not a throwaway as he continues on in his life with YOUR influence.

Patience. And then patience.

And love. Lots of love, the love you have is the love she has in her life, even if she can't see it or feel it.

Even if she doesn't seem to care about it. It is still a valid and valuable connection.

Thursday

[lbjnltx]

peaceplease,

So, so sorry you are experiencing a new round of difficulties.

Who knows what will happen. Hold fast to the idea that sometimes the worst situation can bring about change.

Hold fast to not holding on... .  

I am learning at every turn that when we let go of outcomes my BPDSD21 can learn. I say "can" because learning isn't a given. When we intervene she misses the step and also, most importantly, when we step in with advice she loses track of where she is, as if by stepping in we strip her of everything, including the natural consquences.

It's not an easy thing to remain aloof and disengaged... .  especially when, don't you know, "we are the only voice of reason"... .  what good really, does it do us to be so wise and awesome in her mind? She will continue to blame us when her next move fails. Taking away the advice means she will... .  

A) seek out advice from someone else. When she gets the same advice that we would give her from someone else, especially someone she has respect for, it rings inside her head, and rrrrresonates. Buzzzzzzzzzzz... .  

B) make a move on her own. Practice makes perfect. Maybe she will learn from her mistakes. No chance for this to happen when we are too ready with our thoughts.

I'm terribly sorry your grandson is such a moveable piece in this chess game. He will know he's not a throwaway as he continues on in his life with YOUR influence.

Patience. And then patience.

And love. Lots of love, the love you have is the love she has in her life, even if she can't see it or feel it.

Even if she doesn't seem to care about it. It is still a valid and valuable connection.

Thursday

Very true Thursday... .  solid and wise advice!

[peaceplease]

Thanks Thursday.  You always have some wise advice.  How are things with you, SO, and SD?  

 

peaceplease

[qcarolr]

Patience. And then patience.

And love. Lots of love, the love you have is the love she has in her life, even if she can't see it or feel it.

Even if she doesn't seem to care about it. It is still a valid and valuable connection.

Thursday - so important, keeping a connection. Love given with lots of validation - it does seem to get through. I hear this result more and more in posts here. And in little ways, our kids find ways to give us back a little love once in a while.

qcr  

[peaceplease]

DD has called me twice today.  I asked that she limit the calls because they are collect.  I told her that I put money on account, and it will be in effect, tomorrow.  She called me a few times, yesterday.  Call last night felt like it was about twenty minutes.  I don't understand how she can call so much.  Makes me wonder if she is sneaking calls.  Idk, if that is even possible?

She wanted me to call and check if she is eligible for work release.  Yesterday, she was told that she can get work rlease when she has a clean urine.  But, today they told her no way is she getting work release.  I asked my dh to call, as I was drained from all of it.  My dd told me that she would freak out if she did not get work release.  I told her that she needs to prepare for the worst.  She is worried about not being able to pay her bills when she gets out.  I told her that we will cross bridge when it comes and not to stress about when she gets out.  Told her that I believe that all things happen for a reason and maybe she needs this time to reflect.  And, if she loses her job, then she can find another one.  She is able bodied and still has her health.  And, the job that she has takes a lot of time away from her son.  I have him most of the time when it is her custody week.

I think the exbf is mad at my dd and may try to keep my gs from me.  If he does, there is nothing that I can do about it.  I am just a grandma.  Well, I will see on Sunday.   I believe the exbf would do this to punish my dd and poison my gs mind about his mom.  He does not want to tell my gs about his mom being in jail.  I see no way around it.  He plans on telling him that she is sick.  And, then he will probably freak even more, as he may worry about his mom dying. The only thing that would work is maybe telling him that she had to go away for work.   Oh well, I need to get it out of my mind and see on Sunday.

I am trying my best to let go and let God. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

peaceplease,

Remind me of your GS's age. I ask because maybe he is old enough to know the truth. I think this because I think kids figure out things on their own and when we keep things from them it errodes trust.

When I read your post it reminds me of where we have been with SD, all wrapped up in her troubles, trying to figure out the next move, and it really was all like water going down a toilet, swirling around, more swirling, caught in the vortex, getting nowhere.

I'm glad you asked your DD to limit the calls... .  not only because of the expense but because she is keeping you swirling. You have clearly done enough swirling!

How are things here, you ask?

SD is still unemployed. She has a job interview (or maybe not) for an every other week part time job. We asked her if she will keep looking for something full time and she said yes. She also doesn't "get" why her Dad is worried or anxious about her lack of employment. "I'll get a job," she said, as if we are idiots for thinking she won't. She continues to couch surf, homebase is her GM but she hasn't stayed there much in 2013, maybe two or three times.

She asked for money the last time she got together with her Dad. He told her no. We are confused because during the time she asked for this $ she reported she had been "working" for an AA friend. HerDad doesn't ask the same sorts of questions I would ask. Probably better that way.

Recently on the phone she told him she felt he cut her off "too fast". He still pays her cell phone and car insurance, He is paying off two huge car repair bills... .  I guess she wanted lots of notice that he wasn't going to keep giving her money everytime she asked. He did tell her he would get to this place at some point. The ever dwindling sums of cash given were no clue to her. I think he told her three or four times that the day was coming when he wasn't going to keep giving her money. I guess she thought maybe another year should pass with him footing the bill for her "lifestyle".

I find more and more that, while she wishes she was a princess, she won't lift much of a finger to get herself there. She no longer gets very angry, at least not to our faces, and she continues to lower her standards, bit by bit. She can tolerate more deprivation than I ever imagined. She isn't even smoking name brand cigarettes anymore. Someone else in her world will have to get fed up with the mooching before she will take steps to change this. Or she will find someone else to mooch from. Her grandmother is having her eyes opened more and more, feels such disappointment that SD will put her hand out or grab at any sort of handout that comes her way.

SD admits that she is lazy.

I admit that I don't understand such laziness. I typically feel disgusted with myself if I indulge myself too much. I wish there were a switch to flip, a feeling proud of ME switch. I guess we need a cattle prod up under there. l would LOVE to zap her a few times.         

thursday

[peaceplease]

Thursday,

I am sorry that your SD has not devleoped some sort of work ethic yet.  I think at some point people will get tired of her mooching.  My ds is a big time moocher.  And, I learned that he is a heroin addict.  He has no clue that I know.  He believes that I am aware that he has an opiate addiction, but I know that he is doing drugs via IV.  I can have a whole thread just ranting about my ds.  He is spiraling out of control with his addiction.

My dd is still panicking about her work release.  Called me this morning to ask if I found out anything.  I told her no, and I am just a mom.  Her case manager can find these things out.   It infuriates me that she is crying about losing her job.  She continued to smoke pot.  I warned her that they would test her. She lost a lot due to her continued pot smoke.   She was to have a phone interview to renew her medical assistance and food stamps.  So, she will need to re-apply all over again.  She will lose her subsidy for child care.  It took her about 8 months to get it.  She will lose her job.  And, the biggest consequence is affecting my darling gs.  BTW, he is 6.

My mom is calling for me.  Time for me to assist her with ADL's.  I am taking her to church for a visit this afternoon.  Life goes on.

I hope your SD gets the job.

 

peaceplease

[qcarolr]

Peaceplease - yes, life does go on. It is hard for our BPDkids to accept that we have lives outside of their needs.  

From my experience with DD26 being in jail, they do not want to hear anything from the mom -- and won't tell anything to the mom. When my D was in the dorm pod - where they get to hang out in  a common area parts of the day - she had more flexibility with calling. I told her one call a day, and did not accept any more than that. The operator always gave me the chance to not answer. Are you able to not answer beyond the limit you place with your D? It is good to tell your D that you are powerless with her sentence, and truly you are. So hard for me to accept this powerlessness sometimes.

Are you willing to check out grandparent visitation rights in your state, and request these through the courts, if you DD is in jail for long? Having his mom gone is hard enough without taking you out of your gs life too. Just a thought.

I am a believer in telling an age approriate level of truth. Kids figure it out - and when it is later they can feel lied to. I don't know if the daddy will listen to this reasoning or not. As the parent, he does have the control here. Can you offer something other than her being sick so your gs is not so worried?

SUch a tough situation. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself -- your plate is so full.

qcr  

[peaceplease]

qcr - thanks.

I told her tonight that I will only accept one call a day.  Next week, I will make it every other day.   And, I think even narrow it down to twice a week.

I put $40 in her account yesterday.  I checked account before her call tonight, and it was down to $24 already.

She was in panic mode all day about work release.  My dh made several calls yesterday about it.  My dd called home three times, this afternoon during the one hour that I was gone.  My dh took all of them.  He said that she asked the same questions every call, asking if he heard about work release.  My dh said that her employer would not come to phone when he called.  He heard him tell employee that answered  to get his number and he would return call.  My dh called there twice.  It does not sound like they are going to be receptive to work release from jail.  They were agreeable to it while she would be on house arrest, but I think the jail part changes everything.

My dh does not want her to have work release.  That is a lot of traveling back and forth.  Plus, she works at night, and I can not see at night.  My dh is going on about the wear and tear about the car.  I agree with him.  I told my dd at first that I could not afford to drive her back and forth.   Then I weakened when she called and promised to pay for gas.   After more thought, it is not just about the gas.  It is about time and energy as well. Also, it cant conflict with my schedule.   And, I am angry with myself for agreeing.  But, I told my dh that he made the calls and gave my dd some hope.  I think that my dh felt it would be a no go, and he would appear to be the good guy for trying.

And, her work release is contingent on her passing drug test tomorrow morning.   Well, I am going to let it go and let God.  My gs is  my major concern in all of this.