Extremely frustrated, and very, very sad

[Schism]

DSD11 is in residential treatment six hours away.  We have a family session (face to face) scheduled for Friday afternoon.  One of the core issues my DSD11 has to deal with are her feelings towards the neglect and abandonment she feels about her bio-mom.  She has two other sisters in our care with the same mother; the youngest is 8 and has no memories of her bio mom, and this does quite a number on her; she at least wants to be able to put a face to this person who gave her birth.

I emailed DSD11 therapist and asked to keep bio-mom off the topic list for our family session because it could trigger or provoke the 8 year olds problems (she too is in therapy, she just isn't ready yet to deal with the topic).  It was my understanding that these sessions were for us to work on interpersonal relationships, how we work together as a unit, and address some things that we have struggled with while DSD11 is home.  The therapist emailed me back that it would be "impossible to have a family session without addressing, if not focusing completely, on the root of DSD11 core problems, her bio mom".  My response to that was while I understand bio mom is a core issue for DSD11, it is not a core issue for the family; and it being a family session, shouldn't we be focusing on our core issues as a family, and address DSD11 core issues either one on one, or with just DSD11 and me and dh. 

Having a session that focuses solely on bio mom can and will hurt my 8 year old in ways you cannot imagine, it is not fair to her to have to face her demons before she is ready to, simply because they are the core problems for DSD11.  I won't subject her to that; she is making her own progress in her own time, and this therapist is basically saying tough ~.  I am beyond frustrated.  We are now having to reconsider our travel plans, and may not be able to bring the whole family.  This seems unfair. 

I'm sick and tired of DSD11 being the main focus, and the only focus in these treatments and sessions!  There are THREE other children, and me and my dh who need counsel and guidance as well!  I'm sick and tired of putting the other three children's needs and mental health to the side to focus fully and completely on DSD11.  Its unfair!  I am growing angry and resentful at the whole situation, and if I can be honest without a lot of judgment, at DSD11 herself because she isn't trying and doesn't care how this affects the rest of us. 

Feeling awfully down and out today.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello again Schism,

Thank you for being honest and sharing your concerns here with us, we get it.  

I'm sure making travel plans for a family is difficult and frustrating in itself... .  then to have to go back and change things for the protection of one... sd8... can trigger those feelings of resentment.  Since it is still very early on in treatment for sd11, it would make sense that the core issues are where the t would want to place the focus in family therapy... no?  The time will come when the focus moves to how sd11 projects her feelings/thinking onto each member of the family.  This process is time consuming, fragile, trying and frustrating.  

It is good that you are clear minded enough to see the whole picture regarding how all this affects sd8.  All members of the family deserve consideration.  In all fairness though... .  the t's focus is on sd11... .  that is why she is there.  I hope you can work this out and see yourself clear of the frustration.

 

lbj

[jbmom]

Maybe its not the right time to bring the siblings in on the family therapy. Just my opinion.  There is no reason you should have to sacrifice ones progress for the others. What does DD8 therapist say? Maybe you can have them communicate.

[Schism]

lbj,

Yes, it would make perfect sense for that to be what takes place during family sessions; and we've had 4 since she was admitted, and bio mom was never mentioned... .  we arrange for all girls to be present, and all of a sudden bio mom needs to be the main focus?  sd8 therapist is waaaaaaay against this action; he has worked for 3 and 1/2 years to get sd8 where she is today, and this could completely undo any progress she has made. 

Another problem is this: psychology is such a dangerous field.  It is very easy to plant thoughts or ideas in another's mind.  My own therapist has explained why hypnosis and memory recovery is a huge controversy in the field; even suggesting there might be repressed memories, our minds will take that as the cue to start "finding" those "missing" memories.  dsd11 has shown particular traits and behaviors, until the therapist introduced her to this perspective:

you project on step mom because she is the role of your mother

you project on dad because he is the reason your bio mom is not here

you project on you "real" sisters because they tie you to your bio mom

you project on your step sister because she is another reason your bio mom isn't here.

And that is all phony bologna!  Yes, dsd11 has immense feelings of anger and hatred over the doings of her bio mom, she has never projected to any of us in the way the therapist is now suggesting to her.  All of a sudden, out of no where, dsd11 decides she hates my dh for "having her" and it is now his fault for staying with bio mom.  It has nothing to do with her feelings of wanting to be with and/or missing her bio mom, it has to do with the stupidity of my dh for staying with a "crazy person" (her words).  Towards me, she doesn't project; I am the only person she communicates with, I am the only one she writes letters too, and have never, ever, ever, been told "your not even my mom".  She's never "projected" negative feelings like that towards me... .  until the therapist suggested this perspective.  I know it is perfectly possible it was there all along, she just didn't know what to make of it at the time, but it is also perfectly possible that there has now been made an issue of something that wasn't quite an issue.  Two weeks ago, her core problem was "her interactions with her family, and learning her role in the family... .  stepping away from control"... .  then this "perspective" was introduced to her, and all of a sudden everything has changed... .  everything!  The power of suggestion is too strong to ignore.

Jbmom, I think that is what we have decided.  This time around, just my husband will go, and they can talk all day about bio mom.  Then we will need to create a plan that suits the whole family, because this a whole family event, not a single person event.  The goal is to get her and the family ready for her to come home... .  meaning (in my eyes) more consideration must be taken into account for the rest of the members of our family.   

[lbjnltx]

Hello again Schism,

You seem really angry and frustrated about your d's treatment.  Have you talked to the t about your concerns?  Do you believe this is doing her more harm than good?

[Schism]

I am starting to think so, to be perfectly honest.  Lines of communication aren't as opened as they said they would be; I email the t, and get a sentence worth of response back... .  even if I had 10 questions, she sums it up in a sentence.  I have expressed my frustration with the communication barrier. 

Recently, dsd11 did not call us on her call night; this has happened twice now, and we were told we would be notified of any changes to her call schedule because on those nights, me and my dh walk around with our phones at our hips.  Only to find that for one reason or another, she couldn't call.  We were supposed to be notified of any trouble dsd11 has been in, and we have only been notified after the fact from dsd11... .    Medications.  We were to be notified of any change whatsoever, higher dose, lower dose, change of meds etc; and we hear it from our daughter! 

You can bet that I have used my voice to try to express my concerns and frustrations, but am swept aside for who knows what reason?  Maybe because I am step mom?  Maybe because I'm out of sight out of mind (being six hours away).  So, yes Lbj, you're gather the accurate impression 

[lbjnltx]

Yeah... .  the communication problems can be irritating and frustrating... .  there were several times that our PPC sessions were cancelled (sometimes an hour later when I would call and inquire)  because either my d was on a field trip we knew nothing about or the PPC leader was not there... .  out sick.  Lots of waiting to go with the frustration required.

On the medications... .  I don't understand this.  Any changes to my d's meds required permission from dh or I... .  no excuses.  Is this not so for your d? 

Not making excuses for the rtc... .  It does take time for everyone to get on the same page... .  AND... .  I think your concerns are valid... .  if this is the only treatment option for your d11... .  I guess you need to work with what you've got!    Making the best of it that you are able... .  forming a relationship with the t would be beneficial... .  though difficult if you are at odds on the treatment plan.

[peaceplease]

Schism,

I can certainly understand your frustration and sadness.   Has dsd8 therapist shared his concerns with dsd11 T?   Can they have a meeting to come to an agreement for treatment that would not jeopardize other family member's progress?  If not, what other options do you have?  You certainly have some valid concerns.

I am sorry that you are feeling so down and out, today.  

 

peaceplease

[griz]

Schism:

I am sorry you are feeling this way today and I can certainly understand.  I remember when I was advocating for my DD the advocate that was advising me before I would go to any school meeting would say, "Always remember you are her mother and you are her biggest advocate".  It really helped me to remember that so that when something was not going the way I thought it should I had no problem speaking up.  I think many of these therapist get used to parents who just listen and do whatever they say and sometimes I believe we know our children the best.

I wish you peace tonight.

Griz

[Being Mindful]

Dear Schism,

Very, very frustrating and scary. I hear it in every word you write.

Our initial experiences when my d was in RT was very similar to what you describe. I had to switch around and work from a different angle to improve communication. It turns out, that many of the people in the RTC were not use to working with parents, much less parents with alot of skill. In summary, they really didn't know what to do with involved parents and capable parents. Very sad.

I would encourage you to try to let some of the frustration go. Do some self care today and try to come back when you are ready with a plan. We eventually had a meeting with the treating team to discuss very similar issues to what you are experiencing. For sure, I would look into the medication change without your approval or knowledge.

One other suggestion, like lbj was saying is that their focus is on your daughter. The T. perhaps wanting to see your d. with the entire family to see the dynamics. However, I see why you would not want a family session due to potential harm to any other family members. In this area, we also had a similar situation. We declared our value based boundaries to the T. and our d. ahead of a family session. When those boundaries were being tested by d. in the session, everytime our response was the same as we communicated they would be. It was very effective.

Being Mindful

[Schism]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for the encouragement through this tough time, that I know many, many of you understand completely.  My d8's t said he didn't want any forward action with such a topic on the plate until he had a chance to talk to dd11's t and work out the kinks.  That being said, we were to leave for GA at 600 am tomorrow; and both t's schedules conflict and can't work. 

What we decided is that we can understand how bio mom can be dd11's core issues; so we do need to address it, but from there, it is time to start working on forward movement.  My dd11 is fixed in this spot of revenge.  She feels "justice must be done to her bio mom, and she deserves to get pay back for what she has done to all of her children" (aside from the 3 we have, she has 4 other children around the country).  As of now, dd11 feels that "justice" would be an arrest of her bio mom, I just pray it doesn't develop into a justice she feels only she can carry out.  So we need to address this core issue, and then spend all of our time and effort in moving on from this, as a family unit. 

So, my dh will be going by himself tomorrow morning.  We did, however, have the children do what the t said she wanted to have them do during the session (draw a picture of how they feel when dd11 is home, and draw another picture of how they want their relationship to really be).  I thought the children would be upset that the plans for tomorrow had changed, but they were relieved.  They still do not trust her, and dd11 has made no effort to contact them or write them back; showing them that she cares about their relationship; this would be where the narcissism comes in I guess... .  only dd11 matters and so on and so fourth.

My dh will be discussing our concerns, he is even "hanging around" long enough to speak with members of the staff and basically prove to them that we aren't the typical parents.  We have been doing behavioral modification, validation, research, reward charts, routine, schedules, and the whole nine for many years now; so there is no need to treat us as uneducated parents who just go along with whatever they say.  So, although we are not going, I think we are doing the right thing by sending in what the t wanted from the other children; and if it is bio mom that needs to be addressed, then my dh and dd11 need to be the ones addressing that topic together; not necessarily the rest of us.  d6 has no reason to have to understand the rest of the girls' mother, she does need to understand, though, how to help her sister as much as she can.  Does that make sense?

Again, thank you all, and I look forward to updating you on how the t visit goes... .  

oh, and I forgot; apparently during the visit, if my dd11 says "take me home" or shows disrespect just one time my dh has been ordered to end the visit and leave; apparently there have been some ongoing issues that haven't been talked about with us yet.  She told her teacher, who asked her why she was in RTC because she is such a wonderful child, and dd11's response was "oh you won't see that side of me, I save that for home".     :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

 

What we decided is that we can understand how bio mom can be dd11's core issues; so we do need to address it, but from there, it is time to start working on forward movement.  My dd11 is fixed in this spot of revenge.  She feels "justice must be done to her bio mom, and she deserves to get pay back for what she has done to all of her children" (aside from the 3 we have, she has 4 other children around the country).  As of now, dd11 feels that "justice" would be an arrest of her bio mom, I just pray it doesn't develop into a justice she feels only she can carry out.  So we need to address this core issue, and then spend all of our time and effort in moving on from this, as a family unit. 

Her anger is obvious... .  and understandable.  Teaching an 11 year old radical acceptance seems like a tall order... .  hopefully the T can share w/you and dh what skills she is presenting to move from this place of revenge to a place of acceptance and moving forward.

So, my dh will be going by himself tomorrow morning.  We did, however, have the children do what the t said she wanted to have them do during the session (draw a picture of how they feel when dd11 is home, and draw another picture of how they want their relationship to really be).  I thought the children would be upset that the plans for tomorrow had changed, but they were relieved.  They still do not trust her, and dd11 has made no effort to contact them or write them back; showing them that she cares about their relationship; this would be where the narcissism comes in I guess... .  only dd11 matters and so on and so fourth.

Good plan I think!

My dh will be discussing our concerns, he is even "hanging around" long enough to speak with members of the staff and basically prove to them that we aren't the typical parents.  We have been doing behavioral modification, validation, research, reward charts, routine, schedules, and the whole nine for many years now; so there is no need to treat us as uneducated parents who just go along with whatever they say.  So, although we are not going, I think we are doing the right thing by sending in what the t wanted from the other children; and if it is bio mom that needs to be addressed, then my dh and dd11 need to be the ones addressing that topic together; not necessarily the rest of us.

Does the rtc have regularly scheduled family weekends?  A time for meeting w/the t seperatly as well as w/d11, group meetings with the other families where skills/info/support happen, free time for the family on campus, meetings w/educational director?

  d6 has no reason to have to understand the rest of the girls' mother, she does need to understand, though, how to help her sister as much as she can.  Does that make sense?

What would that look like for a 6 year old?  Boundaries?

Again, thank you all, and I look forward to updating you on how the t visit goes... .  

oh, and I forgot; apparently during the visit, if my dd11 says "take me home" or shows disrespect just one time my dh has been ordered to end the visit and leave; apparently there have been some ongoing issues that haven't been talked about with us yet.  She told her teacher, who asked her why she was in RTC because she is such a wonderful child, and dd11's response was "oh you won't see that side of me, I save that for home".     :'(

 

I hope that the t will request "self time" "time out" and redirect (have dh tell d11 that when she gets to come home depends on how long she takes to work the program, learn the skills, own her behaviors, etc... .  ) rather than just leave... .  making the most of dh's presence is important.  jmo

I hope it goes as well as it can.