what to do when they revolt

[Parents! Get help here!]

I need advise... .  we have a full out revolt at my house and I really don't know what to do. My dd15 has been sick with a cold for the past three weeks... .  she has missed a lot of school which is her pattern. School too stressful... .  too far behind in work... .  I just won't go and things will be better... .  yesterday she texted me non stop from school telling me she was dying... .  she needed to come home... .  this is what she did all last week as well. So I picked her up yesterday and brought her home but told her that that would be the last time. I was going to take her phone away so she would not text me again today but she promised she would not text me... .  Well you can guess what happened... .  today she started texting me again... .  she is dying once again and needs to come home. I told her no... .  then called the principal to tell her my dd was texting me from school. We also set up a meeting with all her teachers for tomorrow morning to discuss her grades and how she can recover from all the school missed and failed tests... .  

The principal goes to find her and talks with her about texting... .  I pick up dd after school and she is mad as hell that I called the school. I had discuss with her if she was not well she could go to the nurses office and get meds there but that was something she didn't do. She prefers to text me non stop and badger me. Raging via text... .  

Well I took her phone away when we got home and she went straight to bed. I heard her moving the dresser to in front of her door. I had plans to go out for dinner with friends so I told my husband not to bother her and let her be. When I got home I tried to get in her room to give her her evening meds... .  my husband got in finally and we then removed her door. She refuses to take her meds and won't talk to us.

she come to speak with me briefly to tell me she is not going to school tomorrow. I tell her she has a meeting with all her teachers and she needs to come.  I don't think she will go but I have told her what is expected of her.

So what to do with someone who is not going to follow rules and not go to school and not take meds etc... .  really... .  I am exhausted from the last couple of weeks of her illness... .  it is never ending... .  I have taken her to the doctors twice during this time... .  she is on antibiotics now hoping that will make a difference but it doesn't matter. She is not physically sick she is mentally ill and she has just given up.

Looking for advise... .  I really feel if she can't follow simply rules here then she needs to go to RTC . That is not something I want but I am just not going to try anymore if she doesn't try anymore and that is where we are. I cried most of the morning and I really at the end of my rope. I thought things were going good until her recent fall out with new friends. Now she doesn't seem to give a damn about anything... .  HELP

[jellibeans]

I need advise... .  we have a full out revolt at my house and I really don't know what to do. My dd15 has been sick with a cold for the past three weeks... .  she has missed a lot of school which is her pattern. School too stressful... .  too far behind in work... .  I just won't go and things will be better... .  yesterday she texted me non stop from school telling me she was dying... .  she needed to come home... .  this is what she did all last week as well. So I picked her up yesterday and brought her home but told her that that would be the last time. I was going to take her phone away so she would not text me again today but she promised she would not text me... .  Well you can guess what happened... .  today she started texting me again... .  she is dying once again and needs to come home. I told her no... .  then called the principal to tell her my dd was texting me from school. We also set up a meeting with all her teachers for tomorrow morning to discuss her grades and how she can recover from all the school missed and failed tests... .  

The principal goes to find her and talks with her about texting... .  I pick up dd after school and she is mad as hell that I called the school. I had discuss with her if she was not well she could go to the nurses office and get meds there but that was something she didn't do. She prefers to text me non stop and badger me. Raging via text... .  

Well I took her phone away when we got home and she went straight to bed. I heard her moving the dresser to in front of her door. I had plans to go out for dinner with friends so I told my husband not to bother her and let her be. When I got home I tried to get in her room to give her her evening meds... .  my husband got in finally and we then removed her door. She refuses to take her meds and won't talk to us.

she come to speak with me briefly to tell me she is not going to school tomorrow. I tell her she has a meeting with all her teachers and she needs to come.  I don't think she will go but I have told her what is expected of her.

So what to do with someone who is not going to follow rules and not go to school and not take meds etc... .  really... .  I am exhausted from the last couple of weeks of her illness... .  it is never ending... .  I have taken her to the doctors twice during this time... .  she is on antibiotics now hoping that will make a difference but it doesn't matter. She is not physically sick she is mentally ill and she has just given up.

Looking for advise... .  I really feel if she can't follow simply rules here then she needs to go to RTC . That is not something I want but I am just not going to try anymore if she doesn't try anymore and that is where we are. I cried most of the morning and I really at the end of my rope. I thought things were going good until her recent fall out with new friends. Now she doesn't seem to give a damn about anything... .  HELP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DogDancer]

jellibeans hi,

You're exhausted and hurting. How could you not be? Any parent, anyone would be. It's sounds so trying. But it's clear that you love your daughter. She is lucky that you have done so much already.   

I do not have experience parenting a mentally ill child -- I an adult child recovering from a BPD mother, and I am concerned about an emotional dysregulated niece for whom I am advocating (to my brother) to get help for her. I want her to learn how to feel more comfortable in her own skin and I want to prevent (if possible) a descent into anything full-blown. However, I saw your post and I wanted to just send some support, and say that you're not alone.

It might be that a RTC is the next step. I hope that other posters here with BPD/disordered children will chime in and provide some more concrete, pragmatic helpful advice.

Sending you warm thoughts and positive energy.

Peace and healing,

DogDancer

[jellibeans]

UPDATE... .  she walked out about 30 minutes ago... .  run away... .  I have called the police. This time she is going to Juvie... .  I can't put up with this anymore... .  she just keep pushing the limits... .  she has no where to go... .  no friends... .  worried sick about her and completely exhausted.

[peaceplease]

jellibeans,

I am so sorry.  I just read your post and was ready to reply.  I have no experience on dealing with a child.  My dd is 28, and just considered that she may be BPD at age of 24. 

But, before I read your post about her running away, I was going to suggest to let school handle it.  I would call the truant officer, and let them get the ball rolling regarding RTC. 

I hope you can get some rest tonight.  

peaceplease

[lbjnltx]

Hello jellibeans,

How are you today?  Were they able to find d?  Did she come home on her own?  Let us know. 

Decisions like RTC are huge... .  take time, research, and co ordination w/school if done through an IEP.

Can you take a day off from all of this?  A day of rest?  The teachers' meeting can be rescheduled for another time when you are rested and in wisemind... .  when you will be able to weigh it all out with confidence.

We are here whenever you need us.

 

lbj 

[griz]

jellibeans:  I am sending you lots of strength and prayers today.  Please let us know how DD is.  I can only tell you from my experience that when DD was in high school she would do the same non stop texting to me while I was at work.  I need to come home, I can;t do this and etc.  I worked with the school social worker to come up with a plan.  DD was only allowed to call or text me from the social workers office.  She was allowed to go to the SW or the guidance office when she was having a hard time or feeling overwhelmed.  She needed to let someone know she was there and sometimes just a brief breather or having someone to talk to would help her regroup. 

I had to be vigilant with the school that someone kept an eye on her though because in the beginning she would go to the guidance office and she would sit there all day without anyone saying a word to her.  This was not okay with me so we set up that she had to check in and then she had a time limit.  We shortened the time limit as time went on till we were finally at 10 minutes.  It also helped having someone other than myself deal with her since she was more compliant with them and the emotional aspect was taken out of it.  Another thought I had was that DD often struggles a bit after she has been sick.  She had minor surgury about 3 weeks ago and was very happy afterwards while she was the center of attention.  Once she was okay she tried to continue being needy and I saw her take a few steps back.  I think our children have learned to feel very safe when they are perceived as in trauma and I think it becomes scary for them when things are okay. 

I hope all is well, please let us know.

Griz

[inkling16]

Hello jellibeans,

I hope you get your daughter back soon and safe.

We have been where you are, more or less, except for the running away part. Things did not get any better until they got a lot worse. After one of those fallings out with a friend, our dd (then 16, now 17) got suicidal and requested to go to the mental hospital. The social worker at the hospital recommended that she go to RTC, where she spent the summer and got a firm BPD diagnosis. (Though it does not appear on any paperwork due to her being under 18, nonetheless it's been very useful to us to have it.) The RTC introduced her to DBT and got her on a mood stabilizer in addition to the antidepressant she was already taking. When she got home, she was at first very interested in trying to go back to her regular high school, but soon gave it up because of the anxiety cycle you've been having. The HS got her a tutor while they evaluated her for an IEP, and at the end of November she started at a therapeutic day school. When she got out of RTC, we also found her a DBT therapist (for both group and individual), and found ourselves a family therapist. Things are very up and down, but I feel like the worst is over regarding our conflicts with her. Now that we understand we're dealing with an actual mental illness and not just an extreme case of teen angst, our whole mindset is different. Our priorities are:  keep her alive, keep her on her meds and in therapy, get her through high school. Anything else is gravy, and any post high school plans can wait until it seems like a good idea to make some.  (This is a tad stressful for me because she's a junior, so whenever I run into parents of peers they want to talk about college and SAT coaching and things like that, but I just say we're thinking about a gap year and that seems to be adequate.)

For me, any day she's alive is a good day, and the days that she goes to school are awesome. We were on a little roll just now with four days in a row, but today she couldn't drag herself out of bed to make the bus. Baby steps.

[opheliasmom]

Hello jellibeans,

I hope your daughter returns safely.  It is so hard to wait and not know.  While she was in high school my daughter disappeared several times.  Having the police bring her home was a blessing and a curse, but I was always relieved when she came back.  Once she "escaped" from rehab.  She spent a cold night in a chicken coop in the mountains but not knowing where she was was awful.  I have to agreee with Inkling, any day my daughter is alive is a good day.  She is 19 now and works a few days a week.  There is still drama, but things don't seem to be as desperate as when she was younger.  My thoughts are with you.

[jellibeans]

UPDATE: Police brought her home last night. I am not sure where they found her the park I think. We had several hour discussing what should be done with her. She had been cutting again which was upsetting because it was not something she had done in a long while so I thought she had over come the habit. Call the local Mental Hospital and after being on hold for ever was told that there were no beds. Then we talked about other places but I told them I only felt secure about her going to that one place. We then talked ER etc... .  The crisis officer did not want to leave her with us. The police wanted to take her to Juvie... .  after a long time I finally was allowed to talk with her. She wasn't feeling well and said she just wanted to go to bed. I pleaded with them to let her come home. She has therapy today and her P appointment tomorrow.

Inkling16: We have her in DBT for the past month or so and we have seen a great improvement with her. Her recent falling out with friends seems to have sparked her enablity to control her emothions and actions. She is in a private Christian school and they bend over backwards to try and help her. Their support is outstanding but we might need to look at another option for her for next year. I want her to get tthrough High school but she has to want it too. Sometimes I feel I care more for her future than she does. Keeping her alive and well is always my goal.(with a side of happy too) Things were a lot worse a few months back with multiple sucide attemps and cutting... .  I thought we had already seen the worse because we were now seeing such improvement but then there is the harsh reality that things maybe only appear better.

lbjntx: I did go to the meeting with my dd15. I felt it was important that she participate and making a plan to recover missed work I thought would reduce her stress level too. Tomorrow is a holiday so she has a three day weekend to get caught up and rest.

Today I am tired and will try and rest but I have a class starting today with her T for parents of kids with BPD so I feel I should go and maybe there will be some answers for me. I am not angry with her and I am just so sad for her. I really question everything I do and don't know if I am doing the right things for her. I am trying to stay positive. She is home with me for now and I have another opportunity to try again. I know I could have done things differently and that is what is disheartening. Next time she will go to Juvie... .  or the hospital and that will be a hard day for me because I don't think that is where she belongs.

Thank you everyone for your concern and advise. Much appreciated and I am thankful for everyone on this site.

[jellibeans]

Griz: Thank you... .  I missed commenting... .  we do have such a plan with the school. She is allowed to go to the principals office and she can sit there or text there or do nothing but that is not the option she took. She wanted to come home and no other solution was accepted which started the whole ball rolling.

[inkling16]

Sometimes I feel I care more for her future than she does.

If she's like our daughter (and she sounds it!), you absolutely do. With ours, the whole idea of "the future" makes her so anxious that she can't contemplate it and goes into a panic state. I think that's the root of the problem--she thinks that the future has to be solved all at once and perfectly, which is not even a useful way to think about it, let alone possible. We have dialed back our expectations to zero and our time horizon to hours or days or weeks, depending on the day. Now and then she will talk about future plans. We try to be supportive but noncommittal. She's a smart kid and I know there's a part of her that realizes how far she has to go in order to be as independent as she wants to be. And another part of her finds that distance completely terrifying and seemingly insurmountable. No wonder she has trouble getting out of bed.

I will say that going to RTC was a turning point for her, in that she finally realized that she has problems and that lots of other people have them, too. While she was there, all we heard from her was that she wanted to come home ASAP, but now she sometimes misses it, and she stays in touch with several of the girls she met there.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[almostvegan]

Your child sounds exact like mine! Same patterns same behavior. Even same situation in school. Eventually after 2 years her school had enough and threw her out. We now are doing an online high scool and things are much more peaceful. She's stopped cutting. She no longer talks of suicide or morbid things. She's getting along with her younger siblings and sometimes is actually sweet and pleasant. We have to pressure her to do her schooling but like you said I care more about her future than she does right now.

I wish you the very best with your daughter. I know right now you feel like its the end if the world. I was there just last June. Things can get better for you. ( I always used to say " because it can't get much worse!"

I genuinely wish you the best and hope your daughter can find her way. This is such s hard thing to live with.

Sending you wishes of peace.

AV

[jellibeans]

Thanks again... .  I do feel at times I am reading about my dd15... .  they all seem to follow the same patterns. I have slept most of the day and I am ready to go at it again. We are going to try and get through this year at her school but I was looking at online schools as well. I am just fearful that will cause more conflict between us and further isolate her from friends. I know having no friends is what makes her sad and I do think she needs to get out of the house. I will talk with her but I do think this small school is good for her but I am open to other schools too if it will make things easier and less stressful.

thanks again to everyone for their imput... .  I am going to her therapy tonight and hope we can come up with a crisis plan she she just doesn't run away again. baby steps... .  

[almostvegan]

We were worried about the social aspect too.

My daughter has a few friends from our synagogue and she gets out of the house every day to go pick up a little kid at preschool.  She likes to be alone so getting her out and social is an issue bc shed rather be home!I was afraid homeschooling would cause more strife with us but it hasn't been as bad as we were afraid of. Unless you live in a studio apartment there's always another room with a door. I wish she was still in a traditional school. I wish she was out of the house every day. And yet... .  This is better for her. I don't love it. But it's working for her and has done a lot for her recovery process.

I'd be happy to talk more about this with you should you decide this is your next step.

Peace always

AV

[peaceplease]

jellibeans,

I am glad that your dd is home, and you have chance to rest.   The good news is that your dd is still young, and you know what you are dealing with.  You have had some great responses from others who have teens.  The teen years are bad enough without emerging BPD.  I hope that you can find the right course of treatment for your dd.  You have some great resources here from others who have been through it.

I wish you a peaceful weekend.  

peaceplease

[griz]

jellibeans:  You can also see if your school will give you home schooling with tutors.  My DD was classified with emotional disability.  Being at school was horrible for her and a definite trigger. We made it through 10th grade by the skin of our teeth and 11th grade started out much better buy by March it was really bad again.  We called an emergency CSE meeting and requested home tutoring.  At first they said no, but my husband thankfully had had enough and said, "what would you do if she was physically unable to come to school, you would send a tutor.  Well she is physically unable to come to school so I expect the same and I don't want to have to take this further"  Tutoring started the following week.

Things were much more peaceful with her out of school.  She was able to complete her 11th grade and did very well and since she had started on the excelerated track she was able to complete 12th grade over the summer.  She ent 5 days 8-12:30 for 6 weeks and she graduated.  She is only at the local community college now, not what I would have imagined for her but she is making friends. Going every day and she actually told me today that she really likes it there.

I too was worried about it isolating DD and it did at first but we tried to keep her busy. Made sure she made plans on the weekends.  Maybe you could see if there is a group or club or class she could join where she could meet new people.  Where she has no history.

Griz

[jellibeans]

she is at a public school so I don't think that is an option... .  I would have to re-enroll her at her old school and then try to get those services. It is an interesting thought to consider... .  but she can never go back to her old school the bullying that went on there and the stress would be too high... .  the private school that she is at is really supportive and that have bent over backwards for her... .  I really don't know why they keep her... .  she is constant trouble... .  

I have been looking at other schools... .  ones where she can work at her own pace but I am concerned about the isolation but it is not something I have totally given up on... .  I just think she needs the structure.

She has a ton of homework to do this weekend and she has not touched her books... .  she dyed her hair again... .  reading a book... .  cleaning her room... .  anything but what she is suppose to do... .  I am trying just to ignore it all... .  it stresses me out so much... .  I feel a hole forming in my stomach... .  I think I might just get out of the house so I don't have to deal with it all... .  I really have to learn not to care so much... .  if she fails she fails... .  

[griz]

jellibeans:  It doesn't matter that she is in private school.  Your public school district is still required by law to supply her with the services that she needs. She needs to be classified no matter where she is, which is usually determined by the Special Education Committee of your public school.  If she is classified as emotionally disabled, which is what my daughter was classified as, she is still entitled to services provided by the public school system.  If a child goes to private school and needs speech therapy the private school provides it at the public schools expense.

I do not know where you are located exactly but you should immediately contact the Director of Special Services at your public school on the district level and find out what you are entitled to.  You can also find special education advocate agencies that are usually not for profit and they can be wonderfully helpful.  They know exactly what you are entitled to and help you go into any meeting very well informed.

As I mentioned on one of the other posts be very weary of alternative schools.  They come with their own host of problems and the structure is not always what it seems.

I also know the feeling of watching the weekend go by with nothing getting done.  The more I  pushed the more we fought and although I tried to take the  road of, if she fails she fails it cause me such stress.  My heart goes out to you.  It is like we are in a no win situation.

I hope you got house and had some time for yourself.

Griz