Wants Divorce and gave back ring

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Wife undiagnosed BPD.

We have been doing pretty good over the past 2 years. I have learned to just shut up and ignore her outbursts. She used to go into fits for weeks at a time, but she was actually down to a day at a time every few weeks.

She goes back to visit her family for 1 month. We call each other every day and all is well. She comes back and everything is fine.

The outburst finally hits.

The next morning, she secretly goes through my text messages that I forgot to erase. I hung out with my two kids (20ish) 3 times, and she was offended that I didn't tell her. Birthday party, Superbowl party and arcades. She hates my kids, they are both in their 20's. I did tell her about 1 of the get togethers, but she forgot. One more thing, my older son's wife was pregnant and he told me not to tell anyone until they were sure it wouls not miscarry.

Well, the baby did miscarry and he told me via text.

So here is where it gets interesting.

She gets mad and calls me a liar. She tells me that she discovered on Facebook that my sons wife was preg and miscarried. She also discovered through a friend that I had a superbowl party. I told her that I did keep that secret, because I knew she would get upset and I did not feel like arguing over the phone.

She refuses to admit that she read my text messages. Tonight she told me that she was still mad at me for lying to her. I responded that I didn't care about her being mad, because she was also lying to me about getting information from "Facebook" and her "Friend."

Big Mistake.

Her response is completely non-sensical. She is upset because I lied to her, and she is upset because I caught her lying and I don't trust her. She says that I was supposed to tell her about the pregnancy, even though I was sworn to secrecy.

I decided to just shut up. She gave me back her wedding ring and said she is moving out. She wants a divorce. This may take a few weeks to blow over. I think she has taken a big step backwards to the way she was 5 years ago.

[garthaz]

Wife undiagnosed BPD.

We have been doing pretty good over the past 2 years. I have learned to just shut up and ignore her outbursts. She used to go into fits for weeks at a time, but she was actually down to a day at a time every few weeks.

She goes back to visit her family for 1 month. We call each other every day and all is well. She comes back and everything is fine.

The outburst finally hits.

The next morning, she secretly goes through my text messages that I forgot to erase. I hung out with my two kids (20ish) 3 times, and she was offended that I didn't tell her. Birthday party, Superbowl party and arcades. She hates my kids, they are both in their 20's. I did tell her about 1 of the get togethers, but she forgot. One more thing, my older son's wife was pregnant and he told me not to tell anyone until they were sure it wouls not miscarry.

Well, the baby did miscarry and he told me via text.

So here is where it gets interesting.

She gets mad and calls me a liar. She tells me that she discovered on Facebook that my sons wife was preg and miscarried. She also discovered through a friend that I had a superbowl party. I told her that I did keep that secret, because I knew she would get upset and I did not feel like arguing over the phone.

She refuses to admit that she read my text messages. Tonight she told me that she was still mad at me for lying to her. I responded that I didn't care about her being mad, because she was also lying to me about getting information from "Facebook" and her "Friend."

Big Mistake.

Her response is completely non-sensical. She is upset because I lied to her, and she is upset because I caught her lying and I don't trust her. She says that I was supposed to tell her about the pregnancy, even though I was sworn to secrecy.

I decided to just shut up. She gave me back her wedding ring and said she is moving out. She wants a divorce. This may take a few weeks to blow over. I think she has taken a big step backwards to the way she was 5 years ago.

[SuperWaz]

Honestly, from what I have learned in the last ten months of hell living with my ex partner for the sake of the kids after I found out she'd cheated for the entire six years we were together, is that you should let her go and never look back.

My ex did the same.  A family member asked me to keep a secret so I did.  I made the mistake of saying I couldn't say any more when questioned about it and problems started.

Untreated and undiagnosed she will never see the true picture. In her eyes she has to be number one or you are the devil.  Not your kids, her.  Secrets are allowed but only if she is the one keeping them.

Get out while you still can.

[Mike_confused]

Garth,

wow.  Your story is very similar to mine.  Undiagnosed BPD wife.  I think she undiagnosed - I believe her therapist has suspicions, but she admits to nothing.   I have two sons in their early 20's.   She says she loves them but hate and jealousy is the only message that comes through.  She acts as if I should forsake them completely.  BPDw invades my privacy constantly but crucifies me for even the slightest breach of hers.  She constantly blows up over me not including her, and yet she has shown absolutely no interest in getting involved with my side of the family SINCE WE GOT MARRIED.

She has health problems - some real, some I am not so sure.   She is gorgeous and fit and yet claims to have everything except small pox.  She tells me right before Christmas that I am neglecting her and that she wants a divorce.  She had told me many times prior to this that if I neglected her she would cheat on me.  Classy.  So when she made her latest statement, I didn't get terribly worked up.  She tells me after Christmas she still isn't happy and wants a divorce but wants me to stay with her until after back surgery late in February so that I can continue to maintain her financially and health insurance wise.  Even more classy.

On January 19th after a dinner party, she picks a fight with me... .  I do my best to stay calm.   She presses by saying she is surprised I am still around.   I leave.

She tells me that we can go to a mediator to settle the divorce with little expense since we own no property together and have no children together.  That was 3 weeks ago.  By her own admission, she has done nothing about this so far and does not seem interested.  I have not seen her in 3 weeks and only have communicated by text message every 3 or 4 days.

Don't know if this helps, but your situation sounds strikingly similar.

[Mike_confused]

SuperWaz,

you are right about the kids.  She wants me to have little contact with them and to not hear about them at all (I don't abide by this hence her absence).   She has the uncontrollable need to be the only thing I think or talk about.   

NOW STRANGELY, she wants me to do everything with her kids.  She coddles them beyond belief.  They are rude and disrespectful to me most of the time.  When they do not live up to her standards she attacks me violently NOT THEM.

I am not looking back.  I will not be surprised when she tries to suck me back to her home as if nothing happened.  I am determined to not bite.



Mike

[losinghope97]

The next morning, she secretly goes through my text messages that I forgot to erase. I hung out with my two kids (20ish) 3 times, and she was offended that I didn't tell her. Birthday party, Superbowl party and arcades. She hates my kids, they are both in their 20's. I did tell her about 1 of the get togethers, but she forgot. One more thing, my older son's wife was pregnant and he told me not to tell anyone until they were sure it wouls not miscarry.

My guess Garthaz, is that she didn't forget, she is gas lighting you to make her argument work.  The irrationality of the argument and fact that she is bending reality probably lets you know there is very little you can do to avoid what is happening.  She is fulfilling what her mind tells her she must.  The will be no rational discussion or perspective on her part, until she splits you back to white (if that happens).  Any rationality she expresses will more than likely happen, not because she really understands or believes you points, but because she wants you to accept her back.

I hate being so negative, but having been through so many of these scenarios this is what seems to be taking place. Hopefully she doesn't go into a mode where she will start recycling you frequently (monthly or less), and her spliting stays stable over longer periods.

Stay strong.

LH97

[Mike_confused]

I concur.   The gaslighting bends the fabric of space and time.  It is the only way the BPD perception of reality works.   If you wait long enough she will probably split you back to white as "Losing Hope" points out.

Can you wait for that to happen and do you want to try?

[garthaz]

Thanks for all of your stories. That really helps to see very similar situations. I think that all of you could be my best friend in real life.

She has 2 brothers that she grew up with. Both of them drunks and drug abusers. They constanly move back in with her/their mom and her mom also has to baby sit two of the kids all day every day. When my wife went back and visited for a month, she told me that the babies cried all night and it was difficult to sleep.

One of my kids is married and got accepted to Pharmacy School. The other is in college, even though he had back surgery and is in constant pain. One time when she was complaining about my kids, I pointed out that at least they were not as bad as her brothers.

Yeah, you know what happened after that.

I am a little confused about gas lighting and turning to white. I may have forgotten, because I have not checked this board for a while. Will do some research

I tell my older son everything about my wife. Him and I have become very close. He tells me that there are a few positives to having a BPD wife. I have learned to become very patient and slow to anger.

I think everyone here has developed those same traits.

[losinghope97]

The site has some great definitions on what gas lighting and splitting (turning you from black to white and back again) are.  I will give you how I have interpreted them.

Gas lighting - when your pwBPD tells you that something did or did not happen when it is factually incorrect (basically a lie).  The mistruth is delivered, however, not as we might tell a lie (to hide from something or avoid accountability), it is done purposefully to have you feels as though you are losing touch with reality. 

It sets up a scenario where your memory of events is faulty and only the pwBPD has the accurate recollection of the truth.  This puts the pwBPD in control and allows them to contort almost any situation so that it supports the view they have of you at the time.  In my experience with my uBPDw, it is very sophisticated in the sense that they usually play their mistruths very close to plausibility, so that the non can very reasonably wonder if they maybe wrong.  It also has a running narrative, so that over the course of time the truth they want to impose on you gets built one lie at a time.  If you do make a mistake (an honest error) on what is the truth (usually under the extreme stress of the confrontation) it will be used as ammunition for their views on you and to validate all of the other mistruths they have placed at your feet. 

At its worst, if the non is unaware and/or not strong enough to stay focused on what they know to be the truth, they will begin to believe that they ‘are’ who they are being told they ‘are’ (by this person they love so much).   

Splitting – based on the pwBPD view that people are all good or all bad, they will cycle through believing you as their partner are either one or the other.  When you are ‘white’, you can do no wrong and seem perfect in their eyes.  This is where we all fell in love.  When you are split the other way and painted ‘black’, you are quite literally the worst person on the planet, not worthy of love, respect, dignity, etc…No matter the evidence to the contrary, or the ways in which you try to overcome their beliefs, this will be what they think of you and will act accordingly. 

From my experience there is no middle ground, so the quality of your life dependent on the percentage of time they spend in each space. 

This combination of BPD traits, gas lighting and painting people black, can be devastating for a non who has any cracks in their own psyche (and maybe even if they don’t).  As a non you can completely lose yourself in their view of you and sincerely believe that you deserve the treatment on pain that is your existence.

Sorry for the longer ramble, just have a lot of pent up emotion on this stuff.

Stay strong.

LH97

[garthaz]

That was very informative. I actually watched the movie "Gaslight" last night, the 1940 version and it makes sense.

The black/white issue is very real. Fortunately for me I am 80 to 90 percent white and then turn black the other times. It is survivable right now. It used to be 50/50 and it was not tolerable. Since she has been back from her vacation, it was 1/2 day white and 4 days black (And counting.)

I just wanted an opinion. When she gave me back the ring and asked for a divorce, she told me to throw it away or do whatever I want. When she turns me white again, should I wait for her to ask for the ring back, or just leave it out so that she can calmly just put it on and pretend nothing happened.

[hithere]

garthaz, it sounds like you are very afraid of her and your kids are probably getting the short-end of the stick because she doesn't like them.

Since you are on the undecided board I will hope that she leaves and find a new victim fast and allows you to move on with your life and reconnect better with your children.

You deserve to be happy.  Good luck!