mediation happened yesterday- or didn't, I guess?

[hell0kitty]

For those who have been following us, we have been trying to get this mediation RE a change to the parenting plan for two years. After many failed attempts, we finally had a judge order it, and the day was yesterday.

Of course, BPDex being the ":)V victim" that she has been trying to portray herself as, they had to mediate wit them in two different rooms as she could not be in a room with my BF.

The mediator met with him first, asked what he was looking for, she said it all seemed very straight forward and more than fair and in best interest of child. 

Mediator goes into room with BPDex

Is in there for 35 minutes

Returns and tells boyfriend "Wow. She really doesn't like you very much."

Mediator shows BF the BPDex's version of her proposed plan.  It was basically the same as what we have now, but more convoluted rules about communication and moved out dates to even worse dates and not adding the two additional dates the judge already promised.

Mediator said that she did not think Mediation would work for them and suggested we get a court evaluator that will visit our homes etc.

BF told mediator he believe ex has BPD.  Mediator responded ":)on't tell that to the Court evaluator, they will figure it out, but don't worry, it only took me 15 minutes to figure that out for myself"

She said goodbye to him and the BPDex saw him leaving as Mediator was walking back into the room she was in. 

Approx 15 mins after he left he was getting calls from the mediator.  I guess BPDex was suddenly willing to negotiate once she heard that CE is the next step.  She made a more reasonable offer than was along the lines of what he had asked for.  He made a counter offer for the dates he wants.  BPDex asked for "1 week to think about it"

and the mediator said she would get back to us in a week.

How bizarre is that?  So, I guess we will know this time next week if we get the schedule changed or if we get to meet evaluators.  I feel like this is a good thing.  What do you guys think?  Anyone have a similar experience?

[david]

Several years ago ex was not following the court order about the summer schedule which was 50/50. My atty filed for a hearing to resolve. Ex countered with a request for mediation. The mediation was set for the day before court. I sat there for about 3.5 hours and finally realized this was a waste of time. I got up and said goodbye to the mediator. I had already spelled out exactly how to resovle the situation. It was simple, clear and followed the court order. The next day in court ex proposed exactly what I had proposed the day before. I agreed and left within 20 minutes. Ex "won" since it was her proposal that day.

I have found since that time I do what I think is in the childrens best interest and don't get into reasoning or compromising with ex. Most of the time things go as planned and I get several emails telling me what is wrong with me, that I have black and white thinking, I am rigid, I refuse to discuss things, etc. My emails give a solution and usually say something like, "If you can think of a better way please let me know via email." I never get a response that pertains to the issue and instead am told what is wrong with me, ... .  ,etc.

The fact that the mediator got it so fast is a good sign since BPDex "doesn't really like you very much." My ex works in a hospital and I have had people that work there actually contact me and tell me she has a problem and says things like, "she wants to rip your eyeballs out and smash them in the ground" and she says I have an anger issue.

[ForeverDad]

The only "ruling" my court ever made was the initial temp orders and post-decree that I could proceed with Change in Circumstances when I sought custody.  At all other major events, my ex saw there was no more option for delay or obstruction and settled.  I believe his ex heard something from the mediator ("mediation failed, it'll have to go to a custody evaluation and it might not go well for you... .  " that made her realize now was her last best chance to make a deal.

Right now she's the one under pressure, not him.  So although she may keep pushing for concessions, she's the one really under pressure.  He may not be in charge but he has some leverage now, I doubt he should think about giving in very much if at all.

I recall when I arrived at the court house for Trial Day some 2 years into the divorce and was greeted with the news then-stbx was ready to settle.  In other words, she had to admit she could not delay or obstruct any more.  I didn't like the idea, I was mentally prepared for trial, but everyone looked for me to agree and so I spoke with her.  I said, "We can do Shared Parenting but I'll be Residential Parent."  To me that was my Line in the Sand.  She begged, even shed tears, but I simply said, "It's that or we start the trial."  For the first time in years, I had the leverage and somehow didn't fumble the ball.  I walked out as Residential Parent in the agreement.

In his case, I don't know how much leverage he has, but don't discount it, strike while the iron is hot, it may be a long while before he has leverage again.   And maybe he can get some statement on file that neither he nor you are scary ogres?

He might even want to pull out his laundry list of other issues and see what else can be tossed in?

[Matt]

I think the most telling thing was the mediator saying she figured out that Ex had BPD after only 15 minutes.  That means it's probably pretty obvious to someone with some knowledge of BPD.

The strategy I would suggest would be to focus on getting information out in the open, and trusting that when that happens, things will go in a good direction - not just a small change to the schedule, but a long-term change for the better in the way you, your BF, his ex, and the kids all relate to each other.

So unless Ex offers a plan you think is really, really good, I would just go forward with the evaluation, and make sure it includes the MMPI-2 or another proven, objective instrument to evaluate both parents.  The MMPI-2 is designed specifically to uncover psychological disorders including BPD.  The evaluator will also talk with both parents, and it will be an opportunity for your BF to tell all he has been accused of, and to show evidence that the accusations were false.

When all that is in front of the evaluator, he will be obligated to report accordingly, and that may shift things a lot in a good direction.