Painted black...

[Take2]

This week tied for the worst week of my life.  The first being in December when my father passed away and my uBPDbf refused to be with me, instead going on a date.

After being shatterred into about 12 billion pieces, I did figure out a way to put myself back together - healing ongoing of course.  

But given that I work with the BPDbf/exbf - I have been been unable to do NC.  My own fault, I admit it.  But I could not handle losing my dad and him all at the same time.  So I shoved my broken heart aside and talked to him like always - despite how horribly cruel he was.  He continued to date the new girl - but appears that things must not be progressing to "real relationship" status.  Not sure how/when that happened.  Who knows what the hell is the truth about that anyway.

This week though?  I was bizarrely painted as a "diabolical, evil liar" by him over and over because I had contacted a peer at work via email (because he lives 1500 miles away) about a work related topic.  The peer wound up coming to our office this week for work stuff.  The BPDbf - FLIPPED at the thought of my contacting this peer.  

I suspect that it was that we had gotten very very close last weekend - I went against my better judgment and was intimate with him - and as is predictable, the closer we ever get, the worst the push away is.  When I say he flipped, I mean he LOST IT.

Monday?  he was mildy flipped, but worked it out to stay normal.  Tuesday?  He totally lost his mind and I was so shaken emotionally that I left the office by 9:30am.  An hour after I'd arrived.  He texted me the most cruel, vicious things all day long on Tuesday - accusing me of the worst cheating, lying delusions he's ever done.  

He claimed I ruined his home and work life (he's single, I did not do anything to his home life.  And because of me - over the past two years he received a 10K raise one year and a promotion the next... .  )  and said I deserved to have mine destroyed as well.

He hoped that my life is destroyed and that my daughter learns what a horrible person I am.  That I grow old and alone and regret that I wasted my time with him by throwing myself at every man that walks by.

It sounds so tame for me to write it on here - but it was BRUTAL.  Hates me, won't ever talk to me, etc.   I was a disaster all week.  

And I guess the reason I am writing now... .   is that I don't know how to make it stop.

He has stopped painting me black - he has calmed down (momentarily).  

But I am afraid of how and when it could pop up again.  

I know that it's done.  I know that I no longer want to be with him for real.

I DO still love him deeply.  But I cannot face the monster that he turns into again.

I would like to think that my emotions are strong enough to withstand his abuse but after December and then this week... .  I can't do it.  I can't do it for me.  I cannot do it to my daughter.  I'd never want her around someone like this when it hits.

How can someone who cares for me so much be SO frighteningly cruel?

Tell me that he wants to see me hurt?

Tell me that he hates me?  that I'm pure evil and deserve every horrible thing in the world?

Despite understanding it in my head - my heart cannot understand it.

So - the question for me right now is... .   how do I navigate the enemy territory at work... .   I'm actually afraid that if I go NC, he will flip.  If I don't stop this, I truly am afraid of it getting worse than what I just experienced.  I feel truly traumatized this week.  

I know I need to detach.  I can't go through life being this afraid, this panicked.

I want to be normal again at work.  I want to be normal again in my social life outside of work.  I miss being happy.

Sorry.  I'm rambling.  I've held off from posting this all week until I could write it when not in the midst of massive emotional abuse.  But even now, I've rambled and I don't know that I've posted on the right section.  But because I've been SO unsuccessful in detaching to date, I decided to post here... .  

When I looked at myself in the mirror last night after being nice to him - I thought to myself "this is what an abused woman looks like".

[tuum est61]

Take2,

You are in a terrible situation.

Where does your bf "flip out?" - at work or at home?  Are your coworkers aware?

Can you accept that if you establish boundaries around his behavior that he might leave you? 

[Take2]

He reacts anywhere . Do others know?  I don't think so.  He is extremely high functioning. He is very well know to have a bad temper and to cut people out of his life.  But others don't see the true depth of the anger.  I didn't see it until I knew him for a year.

Can I accept it if I set boundaries and he moves on?   Obviously this is where my codependency kicks in.  I want to set firm boundaries. I NEED to.  I cannot allow what happened this week to be acceptable.  I am working with a therapist on my own issues and mostly know I can't continue to allow this abuse in my life anymore.

It just stinks because I love him (the good side of him) so so much.

And I feel so sad that his brain works this way.  That he can't see things rationally at times.


Just wish it could be easier... .   

[tuum est61]

Has your therapist recognized your codependency? Is so, what have they recommended you do to start addressing it? Or if not, are you initiating anything to start changing that about yourself?