Why can't I end things even though I know it is the right thing?

[Greenvillehusband]

Hello,

This is my first board post.  I am in a very bad situation. I have been married to the same woman for ten years this may and we have been together a total of 14 years this oct.  she is the love of my life.  Before our marriage, our relationship was great.  We were both in college and had little to no stress.  After we were married, we opened our own business, bought a home and added a ton of stress.  She struggled with depression and some physical sickness throughout our marriage. I took a majority of the stress on my shoulders to make things easier for her.  Because of this, I was not the best husband to her.  Admittedly, I went through periods where I was emotionally unavailable to her.  But, overall, I believe we had a good marriage.  I did everything for her.  She is from about 9 hours from where we live and I made a point to get her to her family every chance that we could so that she could spend time with them.

Fast forward to two years ago, she turned into a different person.  I found out that she had started an affair with a former college classmate she reunited with on Facebook.  He lived around 8 hours from us.  I tried to get us in couples therapy and in our first session, she said that she couldn't give up the other man and the therapist refused to help us.  I felt like my life was in a spiral, because I felt like she was everything I had and I had lost her.  Over the next 5 months, we continued to work together and live in the same house.  I did everything I could, to try to make her happy.  Even offering details of how she could have a better relationship with the person she was having an affair with.  She said that we needed to separate and I needed to date other people to see what I really wanted.  Finally, I got the strength to move out. As soon as I moved out, she broke off the relationship with the other man and wanted me back, but I felt like I needed time and I denied her request.  A couple of months passed and she struck up another relationship with another of her old classmates on Facebook who lived halfway around the country.  So, I decided it was time to date someone. 

I started to date someone and the relationship was nice.  I realized how controlling my wife had been during our marriage and I was just too blind to see it.  My wife and I had a good relationship at thIs time.  We continued to work with each other and offer advice on each others relationship.  Several months passed and she broke up with the guy she was dating.  After this, she started to make my life and relationship with the person I was dating hell.  It got to the point that I had to break off the relationship with the person I was dating because everything in my life was so stressful because my wife was making it that way.  During this time, we sold our home and she had to move out of it.  This was a huge issue because this contributed to the hell.  Over the course of this time, she had basically "forgotten" the fact that she had cheated and started to blame 100% of our marriage problems and breakup on me.

After, I broke up with the person I was dating, I started to date someone else.  I did not let my spouse know about this.  Just for the fact that she made my life hell the last time I dated someone.  She was dating during this time and once again, we agreed that during our selection we would date others.  This relationship didn't last long. 

So fast forward to October of last year.  She wrote me a letter about how she wanted our marriage to work and she was willing to do anything she could to make it work.  It was the nicest letter I had ever read.  She included old pictures of things in our life and copies of old cards that I had sent her.  After reding, I agreed that I wanted it to work too.  Like I said, I really love her and she was/is my life. 

So, we immediately started couples therapy.  When she found out that I had dated someone, she went ballistic.  She said that I had committed infidelity.  Stated that I must text her everything that I was doing at the time bc I couldn't be trusted.  Basically painting me out to be the entire reason that our marriage broke.  Once we started to talk about her affair, she became volatile and screaming, even in therapy at myself and the therapist.  Since October, she has grown increasingly volatile and violent on occasions.  Even to the point that I can feel myself cowher when she raises her hand around me. My personal therapist suggested that she had BPD and suggested that I read Walking On Eggshells. It was like reading my life story.  I was floored.  In couples therapy, during one of her blow ups, I offered to do anything I could to get her help for BPD.  She got even more volatile and said I was calling her crazy.  Even our couples therapist agreed that she was BPD. 

She definately has her ups and downs.  She seems to float from one issue to another when talking about things that she is having issues with that are stopping her from progressing our marriage now.  I almost feel like she was lonely when she wrote the letter. And I feel like she used it to trap me to try to get back together.  I feel like it was a no lose for her bc if I didn't agree she could tell family and friends that I refused to get back together and it's my fault our marriage is over.  Or if I agreed to try, she could grill me for the freedoms I experienced while we were separated.  I definately feel manipulated.  Throughout these past months, I have said several times that I was done because of her actions, and as soon as I do, she changes and knows what to do to gt me back.   I still love her and feel like I'm addicted to her.

2 days ago, I got an email from one of the people that I was dating during the seperation saying that my wife had tried to friend her on Facebook.  I confronted her about it and she said she wanted to see what she looked like to see what the girl had that my wife didnt.  And to find the reason I wanted to be with the girl rather than my wife throughout our marriage.  This really went over the line to me.  I don't want to be in this anymore because I can see that she is http://progressively getting more and more unpredictable and destructive.  We have couples therapy tomorrow and I am very stressed about it because I am going to tell her it is over.  I just have such a hard time making it final.

Sorry for the length of this. My friends are still trying to help me through this but I can tell they are tired of me not listening to thier advice about ending things.

Any suggestions for me?

[Surnia]

 

Greenvillehusband

So sorry about all you have going through! And yes, it is hard to end a marriage or longer relationship; I was there too. It was my most difficult decision in my life.

Great you found us. Many members here are in similar situations. It is important to share and sometimes it is better to do it here than with friends.

My suggestion is: Do what you feel you have to do. Your relationship is so difficult with all this past affairs... .  I really have my doubts about a "restart".

Hope this helps little bit.

Surnia

[momtara]

Do you really want it to be final, or do you just want to push her into getting better therapy or doing different things to end the resentment and make your marriage better and move on?  Do you think that's even possible?  Giving ultimatims may work, but that's only if you feel okay about giving one more shot.

You could tell her you're leaving unless she starts the right kind of therapy... .  maybe cognitive therapy... .  DBT... .  maybe you could call your marriage counselor privately and ask how you can address this without her thinking you're calling her crazy.

It was only when I got to the point of telling my hubby I was getting a divorce that he took seriously the things I pointed out (symptoms he was having) and he got into individual therapy and started to admit what was going on.

[Greenvillehusband]

Thank you for the feedback.  Surnia, no matter how I believe there will be a restart, I know in the back of my head it is nearly impossible. Momtara, I did suggest that she get some help for her condition a month or so ago.  She goes to individual therapy but she is very secretive as to what is worked on there.  When I suggested, I said I would do anything I could to help and support her.  She basically accused me of calling her crazy and trying to get her institutionalized.  Even our couples therapist suggested that she needed help and she denied there was anything wrong with her.  It is just so hard with her. I love her more than anything.  I feel like I'm addicted to taking care of her. 

We had couples therapy today and I told her I was done with our relationship because of her actions and unpredictability.  It was very hard for me to say this.  After she became volatile, she backed down and apologized.  So, I backed down.  I don't know why I did, I just feel weakened by her. I'm kind of 50/50 on things being final. I want to be with her, but I know if she is unwilling to get help, things will continue in the trend they are now.  And my emotions will suffer.

I'm scared to contact our couples therapist alone because I am afraid she might discuss the fact that I contacted her outside of therapy in our next session and I think that could cause things to become worse. I feel like I'm stuck.

Momtara, I am happy to hear that in your case, your spouse became accountable for his actions.  Since going to therapy does everything seem to be more stable with him?

[Surnia]

Good to hear you again, Greenvillehusband!

Sounds like you are really undecided. Or decided with difficulties to stick with it. Great you are in T yourself! I would keep going with your T and not contact the couple counselor beside the schedule.

Sometimes we need more time to come to a decision. Dont beat yourself about being undecided.

How familiar are you with BPD? You told you read "Walking on eggshells." What about the communication tools? Did you try it once?