Scared, Angry Confused on what to do...

[StrugglingMom76]

That is the point NO ONE IS HELPING! They are just dragging their feet, shoving me off to the next person. By the time I get help it is giong to be to late. I am furious our system is a joke! So let her go and trust the proper people does not seem like a logical situation at this point !  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Srugglingmom -

Maybe you have hit it on target - there is no logical solution. Your D is going to do what she is going to do, and it feels very unsafe to you. It may feel very unsafe to her too. Sometimes, when we allow ourselves to take a step back, the other is able to see what they are doing to themselves. Don't know if this poem will help you. It sure helped me a few years ago when I just did not know what to do.



Letting Go

Letting go refers to giving up control of another person and allowing that person to experience the consequences of one's own actions. Letting go enhances all relationships.

Letting go does not mean to stop caring,

  it means not to take responsibility for someone else,

Letting go is not to cut myself off,

  it's the realization I can't control another.

Letting go is not to enable others,

  it's to allow learning from natural consequences.

Letting go is to admit my own powerlessness,

which means the outcome is not in my hands.

Letting go is not to try to change or blame another,

  it's to make the most of myself.

Letting go is not to care for,

  but to care about.

Letting go is not to fix,

  but to be supportive.

Letting go is not to judge,

  but to allow another to be a human being.

Letting go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

  but to be on the sidelines, cheering.

Letting go is not to be protective,

  it's to permit another to face reality.

Letting go is not to deny,

  but to accept.

Letting go is not to nag, scold or argue,

  but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

Letting go is not to adjust everything to my desires,

  but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

Letting go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,

  but to try to become what I dream I can be.

Letting go is not to regret the past,

  but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more

anonymous

qcr  

[MammaMia]

qcarolr

I have seen that poem before but I have a question about it.

I am not sure a minor child fits the criteria.  Parents are responsible until age 18

under the law.  THAT is a complication.  It is not all about them ... .  it also involves a child

they are legally responsible for.

Strugglingmom is between a rock and a hard place.  I hope the hearing she talks about

will vividly depict the seriousness of the situation to the judge, forcing the court to focus

on getting better care for her DD.

[lbjnltx]

qcarolr

I have seen that poem before but I have a question about it.

I am not sure a minor child fits the criteria.  Parents are responsible until age 18

under the law.  THAT is a complication.  It is not all about them ... .  it also involves a child

they are legally responsible for.

Strugglingmom is between a rock and a hard place.  I hope the hearing she talks about

will vividly depict the seriousness of the situation to the judge, forcing the court to focus

on getting better care for her DD.

I see your point and also understand after many years of working towards solutions for my d that the poem does apply to all of us.  It isn't that we aren't held responsible under the law, it is that we can't control another person's thoughts, beliefs, feelings, desires, self image or attitude no matter their age.  The poem is about accepting that and focusing on what we can control ... .  ourselves, our thoughts, beliefs, feelings, desires, self image and attitude.

This is the basis of radical acceptance.

 

lbjnltx

[qcarolr]

It is hard to take, to believe, to hear, to do when the next best step is to find some way to calm ourselves as the parent. Only then, when our emotional center is managed (regulated) by our thinking center are we able to help our child in an effective way. Some call this 'wisemind', some call this 'detachment with love', - the need here is to accept that there is only so much anyone can do for someone else. The love and concern you feel so very strongly does not deminish with accepting the limits of you impact.

I fought this thinking/feeling balance rigorously when in my most distressed states with my DD, wondering how she would survive til the next day. In fact I still fight it on tough days. It does not feel 'natural'.

Tomorrow, let her lawyer know she will not follow the rules or whoever in that system needs to know this. Even if they send you to the next call. The more calm you can try and be, the better they will be able to hear what you have to say.

qcr  

[qcarolr]

When you call the court people tomorrow to let them know of all the drama over the weekend, remember that our children portray us to others as controlling, abusive parents, be sure they can see that you are not.  They  need to see a calm, reasonable, rational person to deal with. I hope you can get some sleep tonight and that you hear from your D that she had a good night as well.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr  

[MammaMia]

Strugglingmom

Thinking of you today.  May the Good Lord be with you and your DD.

[cfh]

strugglingmom

I am so sorry for all the distress and fear you are feeling. If the courts/law enforcement do get involved make sure they hear all the facts from you as qcarol said. They really do respond to parents who are trying to get help for their children.

My ds is in jail now for 3 months and has another 3 to go.  We did not bail him out because he is actually safer in jail than on the streets. For the first time in years I can sleep at night because I know where he is... .  strange but true.

We also made sure that the judge knew he was mentally ill and that we were very involved in getting him the help he needed.

I used to be terrified of him going to jail. Now I realize that it is the best place for him. He may not be alive today if he had not been arrested.  In our case the court has mandated that he go into a 12-18 month residential drug rehab.

It is a no frills program that is basically free to all.  He will pay for it with his SSD check.

 

Sometimes probation or even jail can save a person's life.

I just finished reading a book that had a great quote.

"On the Richter scale of worry, child-worry peaks at 10.  Money noses in at 5 or 6.  Health zooms up and down depending... .  "

We are all thinking of you and hoping you can find some peace.

[StrugglingMom76]

Well she is still gone but was notified she was seen about 5:30 at the library with a known drug addict and was high as a kite  and being shuffled off to another man  *crying*

[qcarolr]

Struggling - are there others that are in contact with your D that can testify at the hearing on Wednesday - so they act immediately to provide a safe place for your D? My heart is with you - I cannot even imagine the distress you are in. Who is there for you - friend, family, pastor, counselor?

Thanks for updating us - keep coming back. We care.   

qcr  

[MammaMia]

Strugglingmom

Good luck today.  We are all thinking of you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[StrugglingMom76]

Dd Is now sitting in the county jail after a salty me in the juvenile court building today. She shoved me into a doorway as she tried to rush out of the court building. She was chase down by your attorney in the district attorney and calm down and return for her hearing. Thankfully the incorrigibility was granted and she now has a probation officer as  is on probation.  I ended up having to pick her up last night from the county police after the guys that she was hanging out with dumped her at a gas station after they realize the police will be looking for her there after her hearing today. They literally drove up to the gas station told her to go inside to get a drink threw her backpack out of the car and took off an abandoned her there. She first called me angry and upset because I have ruined her place to livein but then called back begging for me to pick her up because they threw out like a piece of trash. The men had kept all of her items and I told her that I wouldn't pick her up that she needed to call the police and have them take her there to get her items and then I could meet them to get her. So I picked up a strung out worn out balling daughter. But I was just thankful to have her laying in bed next to me Knowing she was safe and knowing she would be there for her court hearing.

[pessim-optimist]

Hi StrugglingMom,

Thank you for sharing with us! So sad,    , but it looks like your dd is now at least safe and maybe things are going to calm down a bit and you and your son are safe too.

I cannot even imagine how hard it must be for you, though... .  Thinking of you.   

[qcarolr]

Strugglingmom -   

So much sadness, yet your D showed herself today so perhaps she can get the help she so needs. Is there some relief for you, that maybe the authorities are there to back you up in keeping you D safer? May I ask what the court tomorrow is to decide?

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers --

qcr  

[StrugglingMom76]

Just reread my post how embarrassing I am using the speak to text and that message did not make sense in many areas I apologize. I no longer have internet access because it was shut off because I can't afford to pay for it.

[StrugglingMom76]

My DD will be on probation which depending on her cooperation could last until the age of 19 years old. She will have to drug test at least 2 * per week she will be on intense probation which right now I am Not sure what all that entails until we talk to her probation officer as of the end of the pre trial she was not assigned her probation officer as of yet. She did please guilty so the incorrigibility was granted. In light of the defiance activities over the last 2 weeks her attorney advised it would be in her best interest to plead guilty rather than trying to go to trial. The main reason she was arrested was because she actually lied to the officer after he spoke to witness she tried to say that I put my hands on her first and she was just trying to defend herself we are in reality she came up from behind me and shoved me and I had no idea she was even coming. Just minutes before being arrested the officer had told me there was really nothing he could do because she pushed me out of the way in order to leave the room.  But because she lied and also tried to say that I Beat her and abuse her inif order to try to get out of her punishment and hold responsibility he quickly arrested her thank goodness someone finally backed to me up !

[MammaMia]

Strugglingmom

DD will be safe in jail.  :)o not worry about her.  This is just the first step in getting the help she needs and the peace you and your son deserve.   The judge will consider all the facts and do his/her best to help both of you.  The support you need to deal with DD is long overdue, but you are no longer alone.

Get some rest... .  you have had a hard day.  Tomorrow is a new day, and with it comes hope.

[qcarolr]

thank goodness someone finally backed to me up !

qcr  

[StrugglingMom76]

**Update** Dd17 still in jail. I had a call from the pre trail interviewer and she thought she needed to have a bond if she gets a court date. She lied and told her that she thought she was pregnant, she also said she wanted to be released to some man she does not even know his last name or address. All I could do all day was pray the magistrate would agree knowing she would not be able to bond herself out and I certainly was not going to. So I went off to try and pay a little towards a few bills and was very angry to find out the few hours she actually stayed home and did not run away she ordered both the playboy channel and anime channel without consent. I am broke I have not worked in two months and am losing everything and I have to pay for services that brat orders *UGH* Then about 5:30 I get a call from her lawyer. She is being released tomorrow they have decided not to proceed with the charges. Nice she assaults me and I am the one who has to court her across the street to juvenile court. The good note and I am using the term "good" loosely is they are not making me take her home right now. She is going back to the connection youth crisis center. I know there is no way that she will follow the rules and hate to know she is going to have access to more bad influences but there is just nothing I can do anymore  They are forcing me to enroll her back in public school which is a huge mistake she uses school as a way to connect with other drug users and outcasts and they runs away with them. Here we go another roller coaster ride. My stomach turns if I even think about it. So guess what I am not going to!

[qcarolr]

So sorry this is going on and on.  :'(

Are you able to just not go to court - not bring her back to your house - let them cope with her a bit? I am not familiar with your laws about this - is she an adult or juvenile?

qcr  

[MammaMia]

Strugglingmom

So sorry to hear DD17 is being released.  They dropped the assault charge but not the drug charge, right?  So, that is still going to trial, and she will be on supervised probation until then? 

When will she turn 18?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[StrugglingMom76]

There are no charges being filed, she was not caught in possession of drugs so they never brought charges on her . They released her at 9am and she is now on the run missing. And it looks like the court is not going to do anything until Monday so I have no clue where she is, she has no clothing, no coat I am so upset.

[qcarolr]

strugglingmom

It feels so hard to sort out the responsibilities in your situation. Since she is considered incorribible, does this give court the responsibility for her safety? It is so very hard to accept that our vulnerable child is out of our control, and there are such scary risks that she is choosing to take. I hope the others she connects with see her vulnerable state and contact the police or walk away from her. Feels so extreme - she sounds like a survivor - the discomfort of all this is on her shoulders this weekend.

You told her to contact the police for assitance last time. Are you able to do this again if she contacts you? To put the responsiblity for her choices to runaway 100% on her?

When I have been in this place, and so distressed I could nearly not function at all for the others needing me, I had to distract myself. Are there ways you can do this for yourself for the weekend?

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr  

[Being Mindful]

stugglingmom,

Qc has some good ideas 

One of the times my d. was on the run, we rented a bunch of movies. We weren't up for going out, seemed terrible to try and think of doing something fun when there was so much turmoil and frightenting stuff. The best was to try and keep our minds occupied.

Being Mindful

[lbjnltx]

Does she have her cell phone?

If not, she will come back home for it... .  she's a teenager!

[whiletheseasonspass]

I don't know if this will be the answer but it is worth a try. It just came to me to try this- but If you live in the U.S. call 211- they might be able to either help you or give you the names of people/ agencies that some of us never heard of-  who can direct you to what you might be able to do. 

They are excellent - and knowledgeable - and again if 211 can't help- they can direct you.  Only thing is that today is Friday - but take down all of the names and information they give you.   If you live close to the west coast- it would be only 12:30 there but if you see this and live closer to the east coast you still have an hour.   I think 211 is a 24/7 service- but the only issue is that if they give you names or agencies of anyone you can call- you have the wait until the weekend factor is over. 

But I certainly have called 211- and got some names - and it was useful in our situation... .  although we have had SO MANY situations I can't remember which situation I called about.  Only remember thinking WOW- they gave me three different phone numbers to call and one of the numbers was the jackpot for that situation at that time.

[StrugglingMom76]

Hi everyone it is 7:49 pm here and no word at all from her no activity on her facebook no texts no calls no fricking idea where she is at this time. Not a clue   I just do not understand how they would let someone on probation just walk out the door not making sure they are going to an authorized place. The court has been treating me like a second class citizen and I am so frustrated.  There is nothing I can do, if she contacts me because she is dumped off I will do the same have her call the police it is her responsibility to find her way here at this point. By monday there will be a pick up order in effect which is much like a warrant I am considering sending a message to each person on her facebook (there are only 13 people) and let them know that I will be sending the police to look for her one person at a time when the times comes. Just not sure that is the best idea?

[Being Mindful]

strugglingmom,

There is something you can do... .   What can you do to help yourself and your son. Your daughter has made decisions that she will need to face the consequences to. You have tried, and tried. The court system has failed. You are tired and worn out. I can hear it in every post. Please take care of yourself.

Being Mindful

[MammaMia]

Strugglingmom

Are you sure DD is not at the Youth Crisis Center?   You said that was where she was to go since she could not come home.  Did someone pick her up?  I doubt she would be allowed to just "walk out" alone, given the circumstances.

Did the police give you any information on her besides the fact she was released?

[StrugglingMom76]

I try to keep my mind off of things cooked my son 7 and I a nice dinner we had home made fries as an appetizer for dinner marinated baked pork chops, steamed carrots, Italian rice, a baked cream cheesed filled peppers and ended it with apple raisin crisp. But now my mind is racing wondering where she is and if she is safe it is so cold and she has no coat no ID