Summer Vacation and Camp plans in limbo-- again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Ugh. Every year, it's the same bad scene. I am always trying to schedule/register for summer camps and summer school for my SS 8, 10, 15, and every year BPDmom will commit at some point, but not with out a lot of back and forth and hemming and hawing about how she wants the boys out for her birthday, July 5 ... .  Or if she does commit, we end up always worrying she will shift her plans and we'll be left in a lurch with no care for the kids as we are both working parents.

So, I have to double book and double book and sometimes, I miss deadlines and lose deposits.

BPDmom lives across the country and would surely prefer that we just put the boys on a plane by themselves, whenever she wants them, camp schedules be damned, which we won't do due to many factors...

Things are just getting my complicated too as SS15 has a ESY program which helps with his PDD-NOS issues and he also wants to do BS camp in the middle of the summer. Telling him he can't go to BS camp could be devastating.

I am trying to stay out of it at the initial stage, but it is so frustrating.

I have recently in the past few years been a point of contact with BPDmom and so we will text and email to arrange pickups and to avoid duplicate christmas presents.

We recently did this for a birthday party for SS10 and as soon as there was a hitch in the plans, BPD mom started getting wacky. So, I am biting my tongue and sitting on my fingers to avoid sending a reminder email.

I sent her a calendar of all the possible scenarios and cc'ed my NonH, but so far we have not heard from her. It's valentines day week which is always a trigger too. My  NonH can contact her, but it doesn't guarantee anything and it doesn't guarantee she will be rational.

I will probably just go back to my usual failsafe plan, but it's so frustrating to be doing this year after year with a BPDmom who's understanding of schedules and camp is so immature I might as well be booking this with a 13 year old girl.

She recently just texted my SS10 about a change in spring break plans that was pretty major but didn't bother to tell my H.

Not sure what I am looking for here, just some other people who may be going through the same thing and can relate

[mamachelle]

Ugh. Every year, it's the same bad scene. I am always trying to schedule/register for summer camps and summer school for my SS 8, 10, 15, and every year BPDmom will commit at some point, but not with out a lot of back and forth and hemming and hawing about how she wants the boys out for her birthday, July 5 ... .  Or if she does commit, we end up always worrying she will shift her plans and we'll be left in a lurch with no care for the kids as we are both working parents.

So, I have to double book and double book and sometimes, I miss deadlines and lose deposits.

BPDmom lives across the country and would surely prefer that we just put the boys on a plane by themselves, whenever she wants them, camp schedules be damned, which we won't do due to many factors...

Things are just getting my complicated too as SS15 has a ESY program which helps with his PDD-NOS issues and he also wants to do BS camp in the middle of the summer. Telling him he can't go to BS camp could be devastating.

I am trying to stay out of it at the initial stage, but it is so frustrating.

I have recently in the past few years been a point of contact with BPDmom and so we will text and email to arrange pickups and to avoid duplicate christmas presents.

We recently did this for a birthday party for SS10 and as soon as there was a hitch in the plans, BPD mom started getting wacky. So, I am biting my tongue and sitting on my fingers to avoid sending a reminder email.

I sent her a calendar of all the possible scenarios and cc'ed my NonH, but so far we have not heard from her. It's valentines day week which is always a trigger too. My  NonH can contact her, but it doesn't guarantee anything and it doesn't guarantee she will be rational.

I will probably just go back to my usual failsafe plan, but it's so frustrating to be doing this year after year with a BPDmom who's understanding of schedules and camp is so immature I might as well be booking this with a 13 year old girl.

She recently just texted my SS10 about a change in spring break plans that was pretty major but didn't bother to tell my H.

Not sure what I am looking for here, just some other people who may be going through the same thing and can relate

[DreamGirl]

Ugh is right.

We don't really expereince a summer schedule problem, but I do know that my stepkids' Mama gets really stressed at the beginning of every single school year. I think my body has almost adopted an "alert" to that time of year and I can feel it in the depths of my nervous system.

I think it's good when we notice patterns though. It helps us be better prepared. I know that she will temporarily become dysregulated at the beginning of the school year and the arguments will ramp up as to who pays for school supplies, sneakers, gym locks, graphing calculators, yearbooks, school fees, and whatever else. She'll want to take the kids to register but not want to pay for any of the fees and my husband isn't really willing to spend an afternoon hanging out with her while he is contributing financially and she contributes only her opinion. It's then that she'll complain about child support not being enough and use whatever excuse she can to pay for the minimal amount possible. It's expensive every year for the three girls and she doesn't plan for expenses very well - even when she knows it coming. It's one of her most endearing traits - she lives very much in the right now.

It is stressful for her - just like it's stressful for all of us. She suffers from BPD so she won't deal with the stress very well at all. It's frustrating to be the person who has to plan around the little tornado.

I think the calendar idea that you've given her is a really good idea. I've done this as well when it comes to their summer schedule - but my husband always, always will redo it in his handwriting. I only made that mistake once.  

Her and I do really well in superficial scenarios - like simple texts involving drop off/pick up times - but any kind of bigger issue is received so much better coming from my husband.

The Mom/Stepmom dynamic is a very difficult one for a lot of Mamas, and if there is a BPD personality type involved, it might be where you will see some resistance in finding common ground. You sending the email might not be what is going to help a cooperative outcome.

I personally don't like talking to my kids' stepmom either - not because she isn't a lovely woman, but I just prefer keeping it between my exH and myself. I wouldn't respond directly to an email sent by her about a schedule. Again, not because I don't like her or think she is a capable stepmom who loves my boys - because I do like her and think she is a perfectly capable stepmom, I just have my own boundaries when it comes to who I communicate with in regards to the kiddos schedule.

~DreamGirl

[mamachelle]

Ugh is right.

We don't really expereince a summer schedule problem, but I do know that my stepkids' Mama gets really stressed at the beginning of every single school year. I think my body has almost adopted an "alert" to that time of year and I can feel it in the depths of my nervous system.

I think it's good when we notice patterns though. It helps us be better prepared.

It is stressful for her - just like it's stressful for all of us. She suffers from BPD so she won't deal with the stress very well at all. It's frustrating to be the person who has to plan around the little tornado.

I think the calendar idea that you've given her is a really good idea. I've done this as well when it comes to their summer schedule - but my husband always, always will redo it in his handwriting. I only made that mistake once.  

Her and I do really well in superficial scenarios - like simple texts involving drop off/pick up times - but any kind of bigger issue is received so much better coming from my husband.

The Mom/Stepmom dynamic is a very difficult one for a lot of Mamas, and if there is a BPD personality type involved, it might be where you will see some resistance in finding common ground. You sending the email might not be what is going to help a cooperative outcome.

~DreamGirl

All very relevant points. Reminds me of my relationship with the BPD mom. She has rational superficial moments where she is thanking me for being such a good mom, but I don't let it go to my head. 

I created the calendar and sent it to her to just show her dates. A probably vain attempt at getting her to try to be a little more specific.

An authority figure device like here are the rules... .  and I didn't make them... .  the park districts

and school districts

and boy scouts of USA made them

not me, not me,

not the kids, not Dad... .  

ahh it's never easy 

[hell0kitty]

We have the same issue every other year. In the parenting plan mom gets preference or the tie breaker if our Summer dates conflict with hers.  On the years she gets preference, she will wait until the VERY last second to tell us if there are any conflicts.  The issue with this is the dates have to be turned in by April 1st.  In our city, some of the more popular things are booked up way before then.  Even if we email her early and let her know there is a deadline, she will just ignore it until it is too late.  We no longer make big plans on her years where she gets the default.

Right now the argument is over Ballet. Kiddo has ballet every week on our night. Performance is in June on a mom night.  Just paid $400 for her costume for the performance. Mom is still saying she will likely be "too busy" in June for kiddo to do her performance even though at the beginning she said she would let her.  The only person that is really getting hurt is kiddo.

Sorry, I don't have a good answer, just letting you know that I can relate. 

[mamachelle]

  The issue with this is the dates have to be turned in by April 1st.  In our city, some of the more popular things are booked up way before then.  Even if we email her early and let her know there is a deadline, she will just ignore it until it is too late.  We no longer make big plans on her years where she gets the default.

Right now the argument is over Ballet. Kiddo has ballet every week on our night. Performance is in June on a mom night.  Just paid $400 for her costume for the performance.

Yes, thanks Hell0kitty. It's always good to know there are others out there in the same or similar boat. At $400 a costume, that is a huge investment of time and money. oy!

I live in a suburb and there are 3 park districts that I can use but the 2 with the decent camps I have to wait until non-resident dates. Our registration dates are next week. SS10 favorite camp has a huge waiting list already. The number 3 district has different dates this year so they are a week off of the other districts -- creating more headaches as there is an alt camp to favorite camp with similar curriculum but then it has different times and dates.

Last year, I did not put my cancellation in time and lost money for one camp.

With my SS 8 and 10 I also signed a one year contract a couple years ago in Tae Kwan Do for the boys because BPDmom BF (now ex) got them all excited about it. I ended up paying $150 a month and being the only parent that was even really trying to get them there and both boys dropped out.

Since BPDmom moved away we are further off the parenting plan than we've ever been. She is trying to get them for 4-6 weeks in the summer which gives us a break but the kids always come back emotionally dysregulated so we try to have a few days at least before school  starts. SHe doesn't put kids to bed at regular times and very little rules or discipline so it's always a bunch of collateral issues we deal with as well.

Oh, and yeah, she has no filter so she has told SS10 in the past things like, "OH I wish you guys didn't have camp or a camp performance at all so you could be here for my birthday. It makes me sad."

(why is her birthday so important?) (she will be here for her birthday watching his perfomance so why say something?)

His favorite camp involves a big performance at the end, so her saying that undermines all his work and hopes as well.