Does divorce = abandonment for kids, meaning kids are more likely to have BPD?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi!  Well, I am divorcing my husband because he has BPD.  We have two very small children.  I would take him back if it was just me, but I know they'll be negatively influenced by his behavior if they grow up with him in the house.  I'm sure he'll still be active in their lives.

However, I am wondering if the fact that he's not around as much... .  will predispose my kids toward BPD in another way, because maybe that will equate to abandonment?  I am hoping that if I give lots of hugs and keep them busy, they won't notice the difference.  Besides, men do go off to jobs and work vacations and stuff and their kids turn out fine.  But if they already are genetically predisposed, who knows... .  

They are both under 3 and while they aren't old enough to ask why daddy isn't around all the time now, my son does sometimes say ":)addy!" if he hears the outside door (even if it's a neighbor), thinking maybe daddy's home.  My husband does see the kids once a week and sometimes comes over for a few hours and that seems to be just about enough.

Still, he's not in the house anymore.  I never explained it to the kids.  They can't really understand yet.  They don't speak full sentences yet.  ln a way, I am glad.  I think the peace we have in the house is much better than the crying and tension that used to happen.

But I am just worried that the kids will notice something is off and that even at the age of 2, this could have some kind of effect.  Any thoughts?  Would kids have to be older to feel abandonment?

[momtara]

Hi!  Well, I am divorcing my husband because he has BPD.  We have two very small children.  I would take him back if it was just me, but I know they'll be negatively influenced by his behavior if they grow up with him in the house.  I'm sure he'll still be active in their lives.

However, I am wondering if the fact that he's not around as much... .  will predispose my kids toward BPD in another way, because maybe that will equate to abandonment?  I am hoping that if I give lots of hugs and keep them busy, they won't notice the difference.  Besides, men do go off to jobs and work vacations and stuff and their kids turn out fine.  But if they already are genetically predisposed, who knows... .  

They are both under 3 and while they aren't old enough to ask why daddy isn't around all the time now, my son does sometimes say ":)addy!" if he hears the outside door (even if it's a neighbor), thinking maybe daddy's home.  My husband does see the kids once a week and sometimes comes over for a few hours and that seems to be just about enough.

Still, he's not in the house anymore.  I never explained it to the kids.  They can't really understand yet.  They don't speak full sentences yet.  ln a way, I am glad.  I think the peace we have in the house is much better than the crying and tension that used to happen.

But I am just worried that the kids will notice something is off and that even at the age of 2, this could have some kind of effect.  Any thoughts?  Would kids have to be older to feel abandonment?

[DreamGirl]

I've read that having a BPD parent puts kids at a higher risk for developing BPD personality traits themselves. It would make sense with the set of coping skills/behavior that is exhibited, there would be their own development of similar skills.

Is it absolute? Of course not.  

The same way that his own abandonment of them will put them at a higher risk of developing some coping skills in dealing with that.

There's a lot we can do to help them in combatting the risks, though.  

A couple of helpful articles here:

When a Parent Has a Mental Illness: From Risk to Resiliency

When the Children of a BPD parent are at risk

I think we all worry about the development of BPD in our little ones - a better understanding of this disorder and it's effects really helps us in reducing the risks.

~DreamGirl

[mamachelle]

Hi momtara

Just wanted to clarify that many dx with BPD have abandonment issues because they perceive abandonment in a neurologically and emotionally dysregulated way not just because they may or may not have been abandoned physically, emotionally or abused when they were younger.

So, for example, my BPDexH could perceive abandonment if I decided to take a yoga class on a Saturday morning and he would have to watch my 2 DD. If I wanted to go to the mall with a friend for a few hours once every 6 months, that was abandonment.

My SS10 who may be BPD perceives abandonment when I take older kids to Starbucks and don't take him. He becomes enraged at times and throws huge fits. When he was little like 3 or 4 he would run screaming at the window when Dad left for work because Dad was leaving the house.

It's all about the perception so divorce alone is not enough to make a child develop BPD. If they are wired in a way that predisposes them to BPD you really won't know at this point.


I have 2 sets of kids each with 1 BPD parent that I am raising.  My 2 DD and my 3 SS. I am a non married to a Non. 5 kids, and only 1 (SS10 of BPDmom) shows signs of BPD and after neuropsysch testing and therapy and meds it seems there was nothing that could have been done to alter that, but good parenting is helping to curb the tendencies.

Structure, stability and love for all kids is the best you can give them.

I also  have a 21 month old with my H. He does not notice when Dad is gone really on work trips. Kids at this age are very tied to their moms. They also will notice fighting so it's good you are keeping things calm for them.

You really are doing the right thing. 

[momtara]

Thanks.  Wow, that is all so so helpful.