Send exBPDgf books ?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Been on NC for 3 days now... .  totally in the FOG... .  

My head is screaming let her go, but my heart and body are saying the opposite. How addicted can a men be to all her attention and intimacy ?

Now my latest genius idea popped up yesterday : I could send her some books on working on her low self-esteem, her panic attacks... .  

I'm just hoping that she once sees the light... .  

Good idea or not ?

[Hutsepotmetworst]

Been on NC for 3 days now... .  totally in the FOG... .  

My head is screaming let her go, but my heart and body are saying the opposite. How addicted can a men be to all her attention and intimacy ?

Now my latest genius idea popped up yesterday : I could send her some books on working on her low self-esteem, her panic attacks... .  

I'm just hoping that she once sees the light... .  

Good idea or not ?

[GustheDog]

Hey,

I went back and read your posts.  It's funny how you discovered BPD - it's the same way I did, and probably the same way as a majority of people on this board.

You also said you were shocked at how similar everyone's story was - yep, me too.  My jaw was on the floor.  It's like they'd all lived through the same thing I just did.  And, kind of, they did.

With this in mind, I'd like to tell you that, just like the relationships and the breakups, the reactions we nons have in the aftermath are also pretty cookie-cutter.

We all felt (or still feel) addicted, we all want to stay and help, we all try to get them therapy.  I sent my ex materials in an effort to help her.  It failed.  Many others have done the same.  And failed.

You probably don't have anything to lose by doing so, but I wouldn't get your hopes up.

What it boils down to is this: She will do whatever she wants to do if and when she feels like doing it, irrespective of whether it's right, wrong, wise, foolish, considerate, kind, cruel, empathic, callous, sincere, contrived, hurtful, or otherwise.  It will be only two things - 100% selfish and 100% impulsive.

Maybe she'll come back to you, and maybe she'll even go to therapy.  But, if so, it will be on the terms outlined in the previous paragraph - and on those terms only (i.e., hers).  And you can pretty much take that to the bank.

I'm 5 months post-breakup, and it's still rough.  Whether she comes back or not, and whether you take her back or not, your energy needs to be on yourself.

I wish I knew all of this when my breakup was still as raw as yours.  Stay NC and read, read, read as much as you can digest.  It will help you detach and prioritize.

[mitti]

Generally and not knowing your story I would think that most of the time it makes no difference or can even make things worse, depending on what you want and where she is in her push pull cycle.

That being said, 2,5 years ago in my now just ended 4-year r/s with an uBPDxbf, I sent him a book on attachment theory. At the time I had no idea about BPD but a T I had been seeing some years prior when I called him for help to understand what was going on in my high conflict r/s, mentioned attachment theory and suggested my then bf had a disordered attachment style. My ex and I had broken up after a huge fight. In the weeks that followed we had some contact but he was adamant we weren't getting back together. I told him about the book and he agreed to read it. Afterwards we met and talked. He was greatly impacted by this book. So yes, it helped, at the time. But he had let me know beforehand he would be willing to read it. PwBPDs are sensitive to feeling controlled and sending your pwBPD a book to read may back-fire. She may take it as blame, control and manipulation.

[GustheDog]

She may take it as blame, control and manipulation.

My ex responded to everything - including my marriage proposal - as blame, control, and manipulation.

This is why it doesn't matter what we do or don't do.  It's about what they're feeling in the moment.  Mitti's right that you don't want to pour gas on a fire, though, but if she's painted you black there is nothing you can say that would NOT be viewed as persecutory. 

If you are painted white, "I hate your guts," will be perceived as the funniest, most endearing remark she's ever heard.  If you are painted black, "I love you," is grounds for a restraining order.  So, what choice does that leave? 

I've always been a dog person.  Dogs are loyal and reciprocate affection and caring - they're a lot like (non-disordered) people, IMO.  Cats - less so (no offense to cat people - I like cats, too).  My family's cats sometimes want your affection and they sometimes don't.  They sometimes want to show you affection and they sometimes don't.  Basically, they do what they want when they want.

The cats are super cute and fun when they're in the mood to be.  But I can always count on my dog.

[really]

Absolutely not.  Completely understand the sentiment... .  have been there before and it backfired terribly.

My 2 cents worth ... .  not in a million years.   Do not do it ever!

[Hutsepotmetworst]

Thanks all !

So probably not a good idea 

I just want to stop caring about her and her health. I feel so responsable for her now I know of what she's suffering.

Pfff, my saviour-reflex... .  should get rid of that.

[mitti]

if she's painted you black there is nothing you can say that would NOT be viewed as persecutory.

Exactly, during another break between my ex and myself he had me painted black for almost 7 months. During this time, for about 3-4 months I tried to remain LC but everything I did, all the validation, all the sweet gestures, all the giving him space he interpreted as me harassing him and actually wanting to do him harm. He has said so afterwards in T.

So if she is in no mind to have any contact with you or has you split black, then don't try to contact her at all.

[mitti]

I understand those feelings totally. I have had to give up my r/s because even though he sought help for a while he kept going back to BPD darkness and I can't do it. You are not responsible for her. It's sad that they suffer so much, but we didn't cause it and although they may be the victims of all sorts of abuse, the only people that can help them are they. It's such a complex disorder and after 4 years in it I believe there's no way they can get better without T directed specifically at BPD behaviors.

I feel for you and for her. It's so sad.

[Hutsepotmetworst]

Yes, it's sad and tragic... .  and the ones to blame are still in her life, that's what sickens me too.

I remember her asking me (4-5 times during our 1-year r/s) : "You don't think I'm crazy, do you ?"

Little did I know... .  or didn't want to see... .  

[mitti]

Are they her FOO? My ex keeps people around that are bad for him too. He has no sense whatsoever of boundaries and he is totally subservient to those who treat him the worst. There are some people in his life that are downright abusive towards him, and to me, but he will always be at their beck and call and not stand up for himself, for me or even his children at times. He is aware of it and still is unable to do anything about it. This is what broke us up.

Similar to your pwBPD he would ask me to list his good qualities as if he didn't know he had any. They really have extremely low self esteem.

[Hutsepotmetworst]

Yes, (according to her stories) her father, afterwards diagnosed as manic-depressive, was aggressive towards her mother and also tried to commit suicide.

My exBPDgf told me she was always feeling anxious, cycling home after school, about her mother still being alive or not.

Eventually her parents divorced but the damage was already done for her, in my opinion.

But she still sees her father, but I always sensed the fear with her. She doesn't like to go and see him, but I suppose she feel obliged in a way.

She, her mother and her brother have a very strong bonding due to the former situation. If she doesn't see them during a week, she already feels like letting them down.

[almost789]

Recommending books should be judged on a case by case basis. If she is open to it and open to treatment I don't see why not. If she's in complete denial, probably will only cause raging.


Mine too Mitti, he would always say. What do you like about me? And like me tell him in detail what it was I liked about him. He had no sense of self.