BPDex reaction to my pregnancy

[hell0kitty]

When I first found out I was pregnant, my BF abd I were worried about how BPDex would react, and I came here looking for answers. Now that it is behind us, I thought I'd post what the end result was in case someone else comes here someday looking for the same answers as I think now that we are 5 months post newborn, I have a pretty good idea of her reaction.

1- Through the pregnancy, she told kiddo that the baby would not be her "real brother or sister" and that she would no longer "get any attention from Dad because we will be too busy with the baby"

2- Even though she promised we could bring kiddo to the hospital so she would not miss the birth, when the day came BPDex suddenly "did not hear her phone all day and so kiddo was already asleep and could not be contacted" so she didn't meet her new sibling until the next afternoon on our day.

3- The weekend he was born, BPDex went out and purchased herself a very expensive diamond ring and met a new man.

4- 3 months later she is "accidentally" pregnant with new man.

5- Last night kiddo informed us that "Mama is engaged to new man. She took off her new diamond ring and gave it to him and told him to give it back to her and ask her to marry him so he did."

6- Now 4 months and 3 weeks later she is engaged, having a baby and they are all moving in together.

Once it is all spelled out like that, it is pretty shocking, but somehow not surprising.  It isn't what I expected, but after reading a lot of stories on here, it makes sense.

I guess I hope sharing this helps someone else who comes here looking for answers at some point.  I'm still wrapping my brain around it.

[GaGrl]

Our situation was not quite the same, but there are some similarities in what we experienced with The Dark Princess.

TDP and my DH were young grandparents (already separated for a number of years, but living in the same community).  SD and GD lived with DH and then moved in with us for about 6 months when DH and I married, in another city 100 miles away.

TDP did not react well to "losing" her grandchild.  She had already presented the GD to people as her daughter, and she at one point threatened to sue SD for custody (no rational basis for doing so, by the way).

When DH and I visited Thailand (TDP's original country), we began supported several orphanages/childrens' homes there.  On her next visit, TDP visit the girls' home and is told quite clearly that she cannot adopt a baby (Thailand is very opposed to international adoptions).  She was upset, but the next thing we knew, she had made arrangements with a couple in her village to adopt their unborn child.  Fortunately, this fell through.

I really don't know what all was going on with her at the time she focused on adopting a baby.  Who knows?  She eventually either gave up or forgot about it.

[sanemom]

It's funny... .  just the other day an old FB post came up because someone commented on an old pic that BPD mom put up.  I then noticed that she posted the pic the very day I gave birth over two years ago, and it is a pic of her and DSD where she says "My baby and me".  

That pic was not taken on that day because at the time, DSD was living with us and was with us that day.  But clearly, me having her ex's baby upset her.  I am not exactly sure what statement that was supposed to be, but I know her message to DSD at the time was that DH would no longer have time for her with a new baby.

At least she tries to hide her reactions, unlike some of the others I see.

She may have tried for another child if her tubes had not been tied when she had her last one (she didn't want anymore children--probably wise move on her part).

[DreamGirl]

I think that you are right in that a stepmom's pregnancy can invoke a lot of emotions in a Mama. I had some of my own fear when my exH and his GF had a baby. I will admit that I was worried about my sons losing attention.

Turned out there was enough love to go around - and they are absolutely in love with their little brother. My dirty little secret is that for the briefest of moments; it also made me a little sad that my kiddos missed out on that "nuclear" family experience. My responses to those hard emotions were obviously shaped a little different then someone suffering from BPD, but that is because I have the skill set to regulate them in a healthy way.  

I wouldn't put a whole lot value into the actions that feel like she's copying you. I don't know that it's all about one upmanship, perhaps she saw your family unit and just wanted it as well for herself - put herself on the fast track to get it. That's her life and her decision - and being attached to the why's will leave you in a place where you're attached to her.

I don't really think it's a productive place to be. She gets to live her life. Just like you do and it could be said that you want what she has - a child with your current partner.  Which I know isn't true, but I've been told many times that she will always be the only Mama to my husband's children. My decision to have (or not have children) with my husband has about ZERO to do with her.

I would be concerned with this however:

1- Through the pregnancy, she told kiddo that the baby would not be her "real brother or sister" and that she would no longer "get any attention from Dad because we will be too busy with the baby"

How is that working out now? Does the kiddo feel this way?

~DreamGirl

[mamachelle]

Interesting thread here. Just throwing in my experience into the mix. Love to read about others as it was scary emotional territory a couple years ago.

I have a DS now 21 months.

When BPDmom exW of my NonH found out I was pregnant, she was shocked. We told her when she did not have the boys over. She did make a few weird comments, but the older boys were in therapy and we were able to counteract them.

We had been married for 4 years already and we had 5 kids already.

MY 2 DD now 13 and 16 and His 3 DS  now 8, 10 and 15... .  

She later used my baby as a reason to leave town though and move across the country to live with her mom and help her run her business and live with her BF after the baby was born, saying happily

"Now you all are a family now. It's better if I just move away"

It was weird but she was able to justify basically abandoning her kids by me having a baby.

She also tells my 3 SS all these stories about their birth and when they were babies that are way too graphic. Focuses a lot on family resemblances to try to reinforce her birth mommy place.

All my 3 SS love their little bro and really miss him when they are with mom for extended times.

[hell0kitty]

Dreamgirl- It has been fine, kiddo is in LOVE with her brother and likes to help.  BPDex stopped saying bad things about him once I made the baby human to her.  Basically, when I saw her after I had the baby, I asked her to hold him.  Which, a lot of people thought was really weird/crazy given everything, but it had the desired effect.  Once she held him, and connected with the fact that he is a human baby person, she stopped using him as a weapon.

Sometimes, with her, I have to kind of force her to look outside of her bubble, and remind her that we are humans, not evil super villains out to steal her happiness. It is unconventional, but it seems to work to a small degree.  And, really, isn't that what we are all trying to do with them too?  Remember they are sick, and not super villains?

[DreamGirl]

Dreamgirl- It has been fine, kiddo is in LOVE with her brother and likes to help.  BPDex stopped saying bad things about him once I made the baby human to her.  Basically, when I saw her after I had the baby, I asked her to hold him.  Which, a lot of people thought was really weird/crazy given everything, but it had the desired effect.  Once she held him, and connected with the fact that he is a human baby person, she stopped using him as a weapon.

I think this was an absolutely amazing idea... .  and to be honest, it worked on me too. My sons' little brother was actually born on my birthday - and I fell in love with him about 10 seconds after I met him.  

I'm also so glad that your little one was the catalyst for this!

Sometimes, with her, I have to kind of force her to look outside of her bubble, and remind her that we are humans, not evil super villains out to steal her happiness. It is unconventional, but it seems to work to a small degree.  And, really, isn't that what we are all trying to do with them too?  Remember they are sick, and not super villains?

I do think this helps. It helps me even. I get so stuck on her behavior and what I feel she is "doing to the girls" or "doing to my husband" - she becomes this monster in my head.

My favorite coping skill when it comes to her in those moments... .  is not dealing with her - out of sight, out of mind.

I sometimes will force myself to greet her when she drops the girls off on transition day. Smile and tell her "hello".

It reminds me of her actually beating heart and the stress that seems to ever encompass her. Reminding myself "it must be so hard being her... .  "

Because it would be.  

Can you imagine, hell0kitty, being where she's at? So angry and so... .  miserable in her own space?

Make your own joy.

Love your new baby - and just let her do whatever it is that she needs to do in whatever ways she needs to do it.  

[Thunderstruck]

I'm not there yet, but I appreciate hearing about all of your experiences! Thank you!

[SayWha?]

Well, I sometimes wonder if BPDMom does actually have a beating heart. She had a baby about 5 months ago (I am convinced she got pregnant because our relationship went public. There was never a relationship and no active father for the baby.) But every single time my SS is on the phone with his Dad that baby is screaming. And I mean screaming. Tonight when the timer on the phone call hit 20 minutes I hit record to show that the baby was still screaming at the top of its lungs 20 minutes later. I am appalled that BPDMom won't pick up the baby or comfort the baby. Instead she sits over the phone to hear what SS and his Dad talk about. 

We went through the same thing about half vs. full sibling when we first got engaged. We told SS if we had children he would have siblings. He came back the next time and told us it would only be a half-sibling. Now that BPDMom has a baby she won't admit to him that it's a "half" sibling. We don't call the baby half, but he does ask us and is really confused about it all. I plan to draw a diagram with crayons to explain how everyone is related when we announce our pregnancy.

We are announcing our pregnancy to SS mid-March. I will be 15 weeks at that time. I fully expect BPDMom to get pregnant again or to say awful things about this baby. All I can do is help SS through it. She is already at a 10 on the rage-o-meter for other unrelated things and the baby might put her over the edge.

[newlymarried]

Okay, I am going to try and get pregnant with my hubby's kiddo. We have SD4 most of the time and I am also concerned that when I do get pregnant BPDexw will lose her mind. She has started to get obsessive about the house again. She called 4 times in the space of  10 minutes yesterday. My husband I took SD4 to the pool. It is one of her favorite activities. We get home, kiddo eats and goes to bed. Mom then called at 8:30 when kiddo is asleep.

BPDexw is now claiming to have ovarian cancer, and I don't believe her.

[hell0kitty]

Yes, it seems to be common for them to come up with physical ailments whenever they are not feeling like they are in control.  My BF tells me all of these stories how BPDex would just basically our over webMD and then suddenly be afflicted with all sorts of stuff.  Her most current thing is that she and his 6 year old are "allergic to gluten" and has been telling 6 year old that Gluten makes you crazy.  She recently got very angry because I had the nerve to show child a food pyramid. 

The sad part is, they cry wolf so much that even if she really did have cancer, you would be hard pressed to believe her.  The more people I meet who have BPD people in their life, the more common I'm realizing it is for them to respond to exes having babies is to run out and get one themselves.  Babies are hard, I feel terrible for the kids who have BPD parents, even worse for the ones who then have more kids.  Makes me wonder where Kiddo is going to fall in the pecking order once BPD has her new baby.  Will her focus on her become more negative?  Will kiddo suddenly be "painted black" maybe I should start reading up on the adult kids of BPD parents board?  I just realized the other day how scary it could be for the child since she is becoming more independent as BPD is about to have a brand new baby.

[newlymarried]

BPDexw used a non specific abdominal pain to doc shop for narcotics before, and because they are prescribed she doesn't see them as "drugs." The last time she did this, she caused my husband to go bankrupt because she racked up $120,000 in medical bills. She also ran away while doing this the last time. She went on a 3 month bender all across the country. If she leaves again, we will try for sole custody of SD4.

[mamachelle]

Yes, my pregnancy was the perfect exit for BPDexW. She mentioned to me she might have another one someday... .  as she left to go live with her mom and BF across the country. I imagine the only thing stopping her was her age and health issues.

She gave my S now 21m a few presents and has told me that the boys miss him the most when they are with her.

I think the fake illnesses are real in their mind. I also think pwBPD have problems with caring for themselves in general leading to poor health.

[GaGrl]

What we term "The Great Breast Cancer Scare" was really the tipping point for me. It was constant phone calls to our house, pulling DH into being executor for her new will, crying jags and all manner of drama.

It was a cyst.

That's when I drew boundaries that made sense. Life started making g more sense afterward.

[tog]

When SO's uN/BPDstbxw found out about me, she suddenly developed oral cancer. Luckily (or not), it went away when she realized SO didn't particularly care and it wasn't going to bring him back. 

[Rose1]

I know someone who I suspect has a PD who years ago told me and everyone else she had leukemia - at least 20 years ago and still in pretty much the same shape now as she was then.

Also DH's D's ex MIL is BPD and she has been suffering from cancer now for maybe 10 years - looked ok last time I saw her.

[DreamGirl]

I also think pwBPD have problems with caring for themselves in general leading to poor health.

I think there is a lot of truth in this.

[mamachelle]

Yes, and also that they believe they are sick or injured for at least a little while at first. I have a 10 yo SS who acts like his BPD mom and I believe may get the dx at some point unfortunately... .  

He really really believes he is hurt somewhere in his brain even when he has made himself fall. There is this wounded animal look that is really not fake. Then we use boundaries to evaluate each "injury" and it helps.

With adult pwBPD by the time they have made it part of their personal drama, who knows what level of their reality vs outright deception/faking is going on. But judging from my SS I can see how these behaviors start in childhood.

Yes, we had a breast cancer scare turns out to be cyst with BPDmom as well. oy! I see a trend here... .  

[tog]

In our case with her "cancer scare" she really did have some sort of lesion in her mouth... .  the dentist slipped and told my SO when he went in for a check up, not knowing they were separated. But it was benign. She milked that one for awhile until she realized SO didn't really care (little did she know we were happy about it-sorry, but it's true).

[newlymarried]

In our case with her "cancer scare" she really did have some sort of lesion in her mouth... .  the dentist slipped and told my SO when he went in for a check up, not knowing they were separated. But it was benign. She milked that one for awhile until she realized SO didn't really care (little did she know we were happy about it-sorry, but it's true).

With the ovarian cancer call, I think BPDexw expected my husband to mount a steed and go charging in to rescue her. My husband said to BPDexw, sorry you're not feeling well; but I welcome any more time I can spend with kiddo. BPDexw didn't know what to do with that. I think she is doing this because she is single again. 

[hell0kitty]

Now that I think of it, I have an exBF from 15 years ago who when we moved in together, his ex wife started calling our phone over and over again (the night her boyfriend dumped her) and said something about "I hope you know I probably have breast Cancer since there is a family history"  and something about his moving on with me is going to "put her in an early grave"  She must have left 15 messages in a row. 

I don't know if she was BPD, but I remember at the time thinking that was a very strange reaction.

I actually know her now, all of these years later, and she is super friendly to me now like we are just old buddies.  It is hard to believe it is the same woman who left all of those phone messages.  We don't know each other well, but she always greets me with a huge hug when she sees me now.  Makes me wonder

[tog]

I do think that in the case of most of our SOs/DHs, they were more compliant and easier to control prior to them meeting us.  Not because we "brainwashed" them, BUT, because being in a new relationship necessitated new boundaries.

In our case, I drew a line with SO that if he didn't file for divorce I would not be staying in the relationship. She clearly wanted to reunite and he had nurtured her fantasies prior to meeting me. This resulted in a Jerry Springer-esque triangle that led to fights between SO and her in front of SS. I am not the Jerry Springer type and I wanted nothing to do with any of it, especially if it hurt a child.

In retrospect, if I had it to do over again, I would tell him to give me a call when he's divorced. Hindsight is 20/20!  I can understand her angst and hurt, just not her extreme reactions and behaviors (but that's what defines BPD).