Where is the line?

[sassyone]

So my partner has been splitting for the last day and a half. It's the longest split I've ever seen with her. She's done and said everything (I hate you, you're dead, you have no feelings about me leaving, you don't love me) to try to goad me into fighting with her. She said some really pointed things that normally would have devastated me. In fact I divorced my last partner because she said things that hurt me to the core like this. But reading on BPD has given me the tools to see through the words, to the emotion below. I know she doesn't mean what she's saying, when she's saying it. I've decided that I love her, that she has BPD, and that I cannot stop her from doing what she will do. I can't stop the splitting, but I can stop myself from feeding it. I can protect myself from the hatred she's spewing. It's odd, I can hear her. But since I know she doesn't mean it, it has no agency.

I don't want to leave her, but I think this might be too much for her. Because of my job situation and her living situation we are currently living far apart. I've been trying to increase the time we are together, but I don't see this resolving soon. I'm afraid she can't handle our living arrangement right now and yesterday she was goading me into giving her a reason to hate me enough to leave this hard situation. That she won't leave me if I don't give her a reason to.

My question is two fold. I think we might be at the end of this split, but I see some things coming down the road that might make the distance be longer than she might be able to handle. Questions are this:

1. personally, how much verbal abuse can or should I take? It has little sticking power with me, but I do feel like there is probably a point I shouldn't let her go past. But I'm not sure what that is. Her words don't penetrate me. I see it as her BPD, not me. But I don't think it's healthy for me to just take it and let her push worse and worse trying to get a reaction. But since I'm not feeling the impact of her hateful words, what point do I say enough is enough?

2. How much abuse or torment from a splitting partner is too much?

I don't want to leave her. I still feel like going through the splitting is worth the times we have in between. I'm just wanting to keep her safe and healthy as much as possible and not feed into her when she's splitting and I want to keep myself safe.  Thoughts?

[hithere]

1. personally, how much verbal abuse can or should I take?

As much as you can bear... .  everyone has a limit and you will know when you reach yours.  For me personally it was the fact that I saw things only going downhill and realized there was no hope for the future with her, just more pain and misery.

2. How much abuse or torment from a splitting partner is too much?

As much as you can bear... .  no one deserves to be treated the way a person with BPD treats other people.  From there is it just a matter of how badly you want to be with this person.  From reading a bit on the staying boards it seems you have to learn to give up on happiness and just learn to take the beatings as they come... .  bad way to live your life I think.

I recommend that if she has BPD to run and not look back

[Leaf]

How much abuse or torment from a splitting partner is too much?

Hi Sassyone, I would say: take a lot less than you think you can take. You're living far apart so you're not exposed to her abuse as often as you could be in a different situation but still. I always used to be something of a stoic and like you I was convinced I could take the abuse because I knew where it was coming from and I knew it wasn't true. But – to make a long story short – I woke up one day and found I was a nervous wreck. Now I've read a lot about BPD I wished I'd known the techniques in these situations: telling the BPDpartner that you're leaving till things quiet down, etc. I agree with hithere about the running and not looking back. But it's very difficult to get to that point. I've run and I'm still looking back myself.

[waverider]

Its not so much the amount. It is the lack of progress, stuck in the same old cycle of going nowhere. If it was only half as much but it was the same half as much everyday for the next 10 years it would still be too much.

Like everything in life quantity of anything is all relative, but lack of change depresses.

[sassyone]

Its not so much the amount. It is the lack of progress, stuck in the same old cycle of going nowhere. If it was only half as much but it was the same half as much everyday for the next 10 years it would still be too much.

Like everything in life quantity of anything is all relative, but lack of change depresses.

Nods. I looked at the thing about half way down that talks about where you are and if this listing is still in the right place. I honestly don't know considering where I am now. We did break up. We hadn't seen each other in over a year. I spent a lot of time in (schema) therapy working on myself and I've gotten into a space where I'm feeling like I can cope. I'm in a much stronger place now. I think the book "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship" has helped me the most in how to cope when she's splitting and how to keep myself from emotionally joining her in disregulation. We've been back together for about a month. I'm taking things day by day, keeping myself safe and engaged in other things besides our relationship. I'm working on big things for myself outside us. It's helped me immensely. Mindfulness is a healthy thing to learn regardless of if you have BPD or not.