Eventually I had to face the facts

[nothinleft]

I have lived with a BPD, NPD mate all my adult life. For years these traits seemed fairly unpronounced but were active enough to create a nagging underlying tension and unhappiness. Everything was slowly becoming my fault in my wife's thinking. About 4 years ago, she discovered she had early onset cancer in one breast. During the drastic procedures she chose, "the wheels started coming off", and what once what was so cleaverly hidden from most became undeniable. We eventually determined that she was indeed BPD with narcisstic tendancys. I can relate to so much on this board because I have lived through most of the agony described. The questions, ego-deflation, self-doubt, guilt, anger, remorse and on and on created so much mental garbage that I became trapped in the sick "dance" we all do with these partners. I searched and searched for answers, all the while becoming mentally unhealthy myself, and I was enabling her to boot. I went to counciling, to retreat, learned about boundaries and all the tools etc, and I still had a big mess, and was as confused as ever. Finally, I faced the facts; she is a very possessed and unempathetic person driven by BPD (w/NPD traits) and most likely will not get very much better, everything is NOT my fault, and although I am certainly not perfect, I am not an awful individual, and most of all, I am not the one with these personality traits that have caused all of this awfulness in life. Only when I acceped these facts did I begin to get some clearity to stop playing that torturous game they insist is life.

[Clearmind]

Yes nothinleft, its so important to step back as you said and see it for what it is – a disorder that impacts you both. If we play the same game all that it leads to is increased conflict.

Its not so much ‘giving in’ its more about boundaries and limits and not taking the blame and accusations personally. Hard I know when you live with it for a while.

You are undecided about where to from here?

[benny2]

Finding out answers and the fact that it was not my fault, was a huge relief for me. I could not understand why he kept pulling and pushing me away. I thought there was something wrong with me and how could someone be so cruel at times and uncaring. It was draining me emotionally not knowing, but now that I know, now that there is a mental illness to blame it on, can I fully blame him? I think it was easier just thinking he was a jerk.

[nothinleft]

Diane22121, The BPD is borderline, not over the LINE into any of the "insanity" catagories. I think this is because most don't display in front of everyone or situation. They usually only do so with an SO, usually the main trigger, or a few others that are close. This strongly indicates that the BPD does have some control, and by the same token, some accurate realities and that usually is not the case with the truely insane. No one is entirely blameless in every relationship, but the HUGE fact to remember is this; if they did not act out these BPD or NPD tendancies on us, we would not be dealing with the frequency and intensity of all their unnecessary irrationality and anger. The situations they create are not your fault, but the way you eventually react, after the initial shock could be. Although it is not a blame game, they are the ones causing the majority of the havoc. Havoc so severe and never-ending it could ruin your life IF you let it. Yes they are at fault, but we can be too if we don't everything we can to maintain our own health. Oh how I painfully know... .  nothinleft