Rewarding Bad Behavior

[Senata48]

   This seems very trivial compared to the severe problems I see posted here, but what should family do about giving holiday gifts to the BPD individual when their behavior has been inapproate? We don't want to make the situation worse. My 25 year old BPD(?) daughter has abandonment issues and we don't want to push her farther away by completely ignoring her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kate4queen]

I think you have to make a decision that what you decide to give her has got nothing to do with what you should or might expect in return. If she feels as if your giving is an attempt to control her or manipulate her into the behavior you want, she's not going to like it.

And I say this not because you are doing anything wrong, but because you aren't dealing with someone who has the same reactions as people without BPD do.

I've learned the hard way that if I choose to give my son money or gifts I have to do it with no expectations of getting anything back. It actually makes it easier to be honest.

Just my opinion and my experience, but I hope it helps.

[sunshineplease]

Hey, Senata48, we have the same dilemma here. My daughter has been away in a wilderness program and will be heading to RTC next week. We had originally thought we'd celebrate Christmas when we saw her, but now it seems like "making up for"/apologizing for sending her away. I agree with Kate4queen that gift-giving is something I want to do only because it gives me pleasure to, with no expectation of reciprocity -- but as we know, our intentions can easily be misread by someone with BPD: Give the wrong size shirt ("You think I'm fat!" or the perfume they said they wanted ("I don't like that anymore!" and it's not a pleasant experience. Money would seem ideal -- except it can easily be enabling if our children aren't sober.

This whole topic is doubly loaded because my husband would buy her the sun and the moon right now, just to see that momentary happiness on her face.

Here's what I'm thinking: I'll wing it when I see her. Validate her feelings when she asks why I haven't brought gifts, tell her of my wish to support her, empathize with her as much as she'll allow it, and then, if there's space, explain. If that all goes okay, I'm hoping I can ask her how she would like to celebrate, and work to find a plan we're both comfortable with.

[momontherun]

Senata48 you have a valid concern - of course we don't want to "reward" the inappropriate behavior as to reinforce it and at the same time we don't want them to feel excluded. Such a fine line we walk on trying to maintain balance. The holidays are such a difficult time for many families even without BPD - its a perfect time to set aside all differences and spend time with loved ones yes, even strained relationships. In my rather large family, we resolved years ago to plan get together's inviting everyone in the family with 1 condition... .  if anyone feels they cannot set aside their differences for a couple hours are asked not to come although we would all like to see them but understand it may be too difficult to do. This way its left up to the individual person to come or not.

If they decide not to, its ok maybe next year. Yes, they are missed however, we resolve not to dwell on their choice or try to force the matter as they know where we are. If there are gifts involved then they are passed through the grapevine whoever will be seeing them next. Sure, gifts can be misconstrued as a "peace offering" or a "bribe" however, that is their individual perception - not the gift givers well at least not mine. Everyone wants to feel connected and its my way of letting them know I still love them no matter the differences. If they reject the gesture its ok - not my problem and i'll keep doing it with every holiday if anything to let them know I am still here and care.

Now with dd15 being in rtc and has been since right after Thanksgiving it is difficult to apply this same attitude as she is not only restricted for what she can have but also has been continuing to spiral down trying ever so hard. However she perceives the small gifts I am able to send well that is her perception - her power. I know for myself, its my way of having that connection with her. When I see something she may like, I get it and set it to the side for later on so when times are turbulent, she can still receive them and know I am still here and care.

Another thing you could do is invite her out for coffee or lunch with no expectations, explanations, demands etc. A time to set everything to the side and just connect and just discuss light hearted topics like the place, the food, summer plans etc. If she is willing - if not, you tried OR send her some flowers with a small note simply saying I am thinking of you or I love you that way your not around for further verbal attacks just in case.

[qcarolr]

With our DD26, we included her as much as possible. In our case she is invited to family events and most often chooses not to go, or we offer to take her home early if the event is not too far away. She has often felt excluded in the past. We always give her holiday gifts - it is about the spirit of the season, not about anyone's behaviors. It is about building connection with her for MY benefit, letting go of any expectation of anything in return.

It has taken lots of practice letting go of my expectations - that was one of my first steps in rebuilding a healthier r/s with her.

qcr  

[lbjnltx]

No strings attached, that is why it is called a "gift".

[jellibeans]

Yes I give my daughter gifts and I expect nothing in return. I think it is wrong to withhold gifts... .  that is saying that some how she could have behaved better when i know often she has very little control of the way she acts at times.

I went through the punishment stage... .  the behavior contracts etc... .  that got us no where. I am done with beating myself up and thinking if I was just a better parent maybe things would be different.

If there is a holiday that you usually buy gifts for then keep doing that... .  withholding gifts is like withholding love in a way... .  

[BrownEyes]

What I find difficult are the times that our DD would go into a rage and become abusive, etc, on the day before a gift-giving holiday. And then we are left wondering if we should give the gift even though on the previous day she was abusive toward my DH and me. 

So many times it has happened where she will get triggered by something, and then rage, scream, become verbally abusive, threaten self harm, etc, all to get something that she wants. And my DH and I will enforce consequences, but the next day it might be a holiday like Christmas.

This actually happened this last Christmas where my DD16 was caught drinking at school right before Christmas. And when we said there would have to be consequences to her actions, she became completely disregulated. And during her rage she screamed that she didn't want any Christmas gifts and that we should return whatever we bought for her.

The whole episode was really bad with her threatening us, etc. So our dilemma at the time was how do we discipline her and yet give her gifts the next day. It looked like we were not taking her behavior seriously. And we ended up giving her all the gifts we bought for her, when the previous day she was being extremely abusive toward us.

It’s a difficult position to be in.

[jellibeans]

I find that holidays are usually a time when emotions are high... .  my dd15 was great through the holidays but after we all went to sleep Christmas night she took an over dose... .  I didn't see it coming... .  I really still don't know why but that is the result of a troubled mind... .  

I know at times it is difficult to give gifts at times when our kids are not behaving the best but it reminds me of a quote... .  love me when I least deserve it... .  because that is when I need it most... .  

[cfh]

No matter how bad things have gotten with my ds (like being in jail) or overdosing, or ruining a party with his bad behavior etc. I always thought it best to separate that from gift giving.

In our family we always give gifts for birthdays and Christmas.

Over the years the gifts have become more personal and less whatever is the latest fad.

So some of the things I have recently given ds have been a photo album of his life since birth.  He's a gifted artist so I have framed some of his artwork.  He sang in a choir so I had those old tapes turned into dvd's.

These are very personal gifts which I hope someday he will enjoy.  But I enjoyed giving them with no strings.

I think he would have felt so hurt if I didn't follow the family tradition of gift giving.

[qcarolr]

I know at times it is difficult to give gifts at times when our kids are not behaving the best but it reminds me of a quote... .  love me when I least deserve it... .  because that is when I need it most... .  

I am adding this quote to the 'quote stash' I keep in my purse for when I need a reminder or pick-me-up. It is so easy for me to allow myself to get confused in the chaos.

How can we nuture ourselves so we are better able to withstand the behaviors, enforce our values-based boundaries, and still be there with that unconditional love (ie. validation of what they are feeling that might be triggering the bad behaviors - accepting them and not accepting the behaviors)?

For me - this allows me to give the gifts out of love on the holiday. Is there a way to tell them these are gifts of love - we can deal with consequences later?

qcr  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[louise 716]

Perfect topic since I have questions about this.

In my particular case, son (combat PTSD - married to BPD/narcissist) recently wrote an email saying he wanted certain gifts returned to him and he would be writing a check back to us for recent gifts checks we had given them. He has not come over to retrieve the gifts nor have we have gotten a check from him - mind you, I don't WANT the check, it's just an indicator he was on a rant when he wrote that.

Two years ago we gave Christmas gifts to them both but after we received an e mail about what thoughtless gifts we gave (can't go into any identifiers but they WERE thoughtful gifts) husband and I have resorted to checks for them. I resorted to checks be/c I know they have thrown away other gifts they have gotten they have felt are thoughtless.  Husband and I are not a money pitt and have a limited income so figured at least a check they could use how they wanted.

Gifts, in their mind, obviously have strings attached. My question ... .  so, I guess if they ever give us a gift again, we just accept it in the original spirit it is given, but knowing there are strings attached sure makes that hard. Maybe it's not really a question but a ramble, but do you understand my dilemma?  I'll keep writing checks.

[lbjnltx]

I think that all we can do is take care of our own side of the street... .  receive as we would like our gifts received, give as we would want gifts to us given... .  let go of the rest... .  with love.