Why does everyone say 'fix yourself'

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I stayed because I thought if I took good enough care of myself, I could be a supportive and partner. I could get educated and I can help her function better. Some of it was co-dependency, and a dash of guilt. Also because I was physically attracted to her and believed she was physically/sexually attracted to me (again, how my mate sees me is very important. If I'm fairly certain I'm a hot commodity for my partner, they're in for sure.) Also there was love, some connection. We liked a lot of the same things and enjoyed our time together. When she wasn't raging.

But you guys might laugh. Part of why I stayed was out of pure curiosity. I wanted to see how far things would go. Kind of like a scientist that experiments on himself. I'm no scientist. But you could call what I did was out of a sort of scientific curiosity. Seeing where the line was, seeing how long I can actually sustain an unhealthy relationship. How long until I just DIDN'T CARE whether she left me or stayed.

1.5 years and I already caught myself occasionally having conversations with other women in my head. After about 2 years, sometimes I started to wish she would just leave me. Flat out get out of my life with no note, and no drama (that unfortunately, did not happen.)

I ALSO actually wanted to see if she really was going to have an affair. I was curious because BPD's tend to have a cheating streak. I wanted to confirm it. I also wanted to know what would happen after an affair, how she would act. How I would act. How far she would take her disrespect (it was pretty bad, but it could have been much much worse. I know she wouldn't have DARED to do what some people's exes did.) Part of me was almost glad that there was an affair because I did got cheated on by a previous GF (I suspect she was borderline as well, seriously, what luck is that?) My response was weak, sad, desperate and pathetic. I wanted to see if my response was any different. It was slightly. Also I wanted to see if after her first affair, the emotional affairs were going to be closer and closer together. I found this to be true. Amount of emotional affairs negatively correlated with time passed before the next emotional affair. The more she does it, the less time it takes her to find another person to do it with when the previous one is over with.

I was less of a white-knight, and I tried to protect my values. But she had a silver tongue, and I knew it. Again it gave me an opportunity to see how long someone could keep convincing me that it would never happen, that things will be okay. Less than 6 months after her first affair, I learned of another one and that's when I realized that I will ALWAYS assume she's cheating in some way. Trust was TOTALLY and IRREVOCABLY gone by then. By the 2-year mark I was emotionally gone. We didn't make it to year 3. It was roughly 2 years and 9 months, that's roughly 2.75 years. But it feels much longer than that. After the trust was gone part of me was just doing a countdown, it became kind of an endurance test. It didn't last very long.

Really wish I did a journal of my emotional state as the relationship progressed. I know it just got worse as time passed but I don't have a clear record of it to REALLY get a perfect feel for it.


Sort of a long post, I know. But hopefully some of you got a bit of a laugh at the "data" I collected.

[Vatz]

I stayed because I thought if I took good enough care of myself, I could be a supportive and partner. I could get educated and I can help her function better. Some of it was co-dependency, and a dash of guilt. Also because I was physically attracted to her and believed she was physically/sexually attracted to me (again, how my mate sees me is very important. If I'm fairly certain I'm a hot commodity for my partner, they're in for sure.) Also there was love, some connection. We liked a lot of the same things and enjoyed our time together. When she wasn't raging.

But you guys might laugh. Part of why I stayed was out of pure curiosity. I wanted to see how far things would go. Kind of like a scientist that experiments on himself. I'm no scientist. But you could call what I did was out of a sort of scientific curiosity. Seeing where the line was, seeing how long I can actually sustain an unhealthy relationship. How long until I just DIDN'T CARE whether she left me or stayed.

1.5 years and I already caught myself occasionally having conversations with other women in my head. After about 2 years, sometimes I started to wish she would just leave me. Flat out get out of my life with no note, and no drama (that unfortunately, did not happen.)

I ALSO actually wanted to see if she really was going to have an affair. I was curious because BPD's tend to have a cheating streak. I wanted to confirm it. I also wanted to know what would happen after an affair, how she would act. How I would act. How far she would take her disrespect (it was pretty bad, but it could have been much much worse. I know she wouldn't have DARED to do what some people's exes did.) Part of me was almost glad that there was an affair because I did got cheated on by a previous GF (I suspect she was borderline as well, seriously, what luck is that?) My response was weak, sad, desperate and pathetic. I wanted to see if my response was any different. It was slightly. Also I wanted to see if after her first affair, the emotional affairs were going to be closer and closer together. I found this to be true. Amount of emotional affairs negatively correlated with time passed before the next emotional affair. The more she does it, the less time it takes her to find another person to do it with when the previous one is over with.

I was less of a white-knight, and I tried to protect my values. But she had a silver tongue, and I knew it. Again it gave me an opportunity to see how long someone could keep convincing me that it would never happen, that things will be okay. Less than 6 months after her first affair, I learned of another one and that's when I realized that I will ALWAYS assume she's cheating in some way. Trust was TOTALLY and IRREVOCABLY gone by then. By the 2-year mark I was emotionally gone. We didn't make it to year 3. It was roughly 2 years and 9 months, that's roughly 2.75 years. But it feels much longer than that. After the trust was gone part of me was just doing a countdown, it became kind of an endurance test. It didn't last very long.

Really wish I did a journal of my emotional state as the relationship progressed. I know it just got worse as time passed but I don't have a clear record of it to REALLY get a perfect feel for it.


Sort of a long post, I know. But hopefully some of you got a bit of a laugh at the "data" I collected.