Not sure if this is the right place to post...

[Elfie]

Hi there - I'm new, and I wasn't sure if this was the exact board where I "fit in"! If not, please feel free to redirect me.

My brother is a (non diagnosed)BPD - it seems to me that most of the posters on the boards are either the parents, children, or significant others of a pwBPD - not a lot of siblings? I guess I chose this board because my brother is younger than me by about 5 years, I'm somewhat of a "parent figure" to him in some ways, and I'm posting here at least partially on behalf of my parents.

I think my parents struggle with a balance between enabling vs showing care and concern. My brother is 19 years old, has been in trouble with the law since he was about 16, and exhibits 9/9 of the "diagnostic" traits of BPD. He is currently on probation in a different county after being kicked out of school after being arrested. My parents bailed him out of jail (the fine was a hefty one) and pay for his apartment - a positive is he has been holding down a part-time retail job for a few months. His on-again-off-again girlfriend with (diagnosed)Reactive Attachment Disorder lives with him, and their relationship is VERY turbulent, to say the least. They've had many massive, emotional breakups, but they can't seem to "quit" each other. Last time they had a big breakup fight, Brother's girlfriend broke his nose and called the police. I think Girlfriend physically abuses Brother, and Brother emotionally abuses her.

I guess I don't have a specific question, but I just feel overwhelmed, and I know my parents get stressed and overwhelmed, too. It's very isolating as they only talk about my brother's problems to one or two friends, if that - and I'm not supposed to talk about it at all. My parents try to do their best, but Brother's emotional rollercoaster can hit at any time. Last time they tried to take a little vacation, they got a call from a Bondsman telling them that Brother was in jail again. He sometimes calls in a terrible emotional state, threatening suicide. They worry about him a lot.

Any advice on the balance between love and support vs. enabling, maybe? Parents still hope Brother is going to go back to college in the Summer or Fall, and I'm just not seeing it. Obviously, he doesn't think he has a problem.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Welcome Elfie... .  I think you are on the right board... .  I have some questions for you... .  Is your brother getting help? Therapy? Counseling of some kind? Have you read any books? Valerie Porrs book is a must read and has really helped me. Your parents pay for his rent... .  is that so he is not at home?

I have a dd15 and she has been the focus of my family for the last few years... .  I often wonder how this impacts my older dd18... .  how does she feel about the focus always being on her younger sister... .  I tell her not of be angry with her sister. She can't help it. She is mentally ill... .  once you come to that realization you can then try to look on things in a different way. This is a good place to start for answers and advise... .  

[Elfie]

Hi jellibeans, thanks for the welcome

My brother has been in and out of counseling for several years. He was also required to go to AA and Narc-Anon type meetings when he was on probation when he was 17-18 (he's currently on probation again, but I don't know if he's going to be required to go to group therapy type meetings again). I think he has been to a psychiatrist or two back when he was living at home, and he has been prescribed antidepressants. Currently I don't think he is seeing any psychiatrist or counselor, and I'm not sure he is taking his antidepressants with regularity. My parents obviously would love it if he would start going to therapy, counseling, a doctor, anything, with regularity, but I'm not sure if that's going to happen any time soon (as I mentioned, he doesn't think he needs it). My parents can't "make" him do anything as he's over 18 now. (They did try to check him into a hospital when he was around 17 or 18 at least once due to his suicidal threats, but either he talked his way out of it once there, or he was over 18 and couldn't be forced by them).

I've read Stop Walking on Eggshells (and gave it to my parents; they seemed to find it helpful), and have been looking for other good books to read. Thanks for the Poors book recommendation. I think my parents pay for his rent because a) they don't want him living at home b) they said they'd pay for his room and board at college, and they want to keep that promise even though he got kicked out of school, and c) they don't want him living on the streets, and he has to stay in the county he's in now for the most part because of his probation (he doesn't have any friends there to stay with).

Thank you for your insight. Even though it's been hard to come to terms with the fact that my brother is struggling with mental illness, in a way it's helpful to know that it's "not his fault" that he suffers from it. He didn't ask to be this way.

[jellibeans]

Have your parents tried insisting he see a therapist to get the rent paid? It seems like he has it pretty good... .  I would have a hard time putting my dd out on the street but if she is not going to get help why should I support her? I don't know if that is harsh but I do think he needs to at least try.

[Elfie]

I will try talking to them again and see what their take is... .  I know my brother is very, very resistant to anyone "telling him what to do". They might as well tell him ":)on't get therapy!" if they want him to get therapy.   I think my parents may need to try some kind of family counseling... .  maybe that would help them sort through it all (my dad sees one every month or so, but not them together as a team or anything).

I think my parents are motivated by (at least) two big things - they're afraid that my brother will make good on his suicidal threats if they "push" him too hard, and they still want him to go back to school. I think they fear that putting him out on his own and not paying for anything will set him off. Also, they probably feel guilty because they're the ones who pushed him to go to school (although it's his own fault, obviously, that he got kicked out of school and then forced to stay in that county due to probation)

[pattyt]

Elfie, 

I think attending counseling together would be a very good thing for your parents.  My husband and I are doing this and it helps us to be unified in our understanding and approach to our undiagnosed BPD daughter/21.

It is a struggle of acceptance with this disorder.  Fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) can sometimes keep us frozen and confused as we deal with our own emotions in all this.

True, because your brother is over the age of 18 he cannot be compelled to do anything he doesn't want to, but there are many things you can do to help him.

First rule is to take care of yourselves.  If you break down you will be of no help to your loved one.  Read all you can and educate yourselves on appropriate responses, for instance, there are techniques you can use to keep situations from escalating and to ease communication.

You and your parents are most welcome here.  We really do "get it" because we are all in the same boat here. 

[opheliasmom]

Hi Elfie,

There are some really good workshops that might answer some of your questions.

 

Self aware: are you supporting or enabling?: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95263.0

Communication S.E.T. technique:https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict.msg1399587#msg1399587 and

Boundaries: https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

I agreee with Pattyt.  You must also remember that you are just as important as you brother and take good care of yourself.

[Elfie]

Thank you for the advice, pattyt and opheliasmom. I got the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" workbook yesterday from a local bookstore, and started working through it and talking about it with my parents. I think at least it'll be a step forward. I've also been reading some of the links you pointed out. I think my parents have been doing better in regards to keeping calm and communicating with my brother after reading the Eggshells book and talking about BPD, at least.

One difficult thing is that sometimes my brother can seem almost "normal". Then my parents can see-saw with him from "We need to get him committed!" on his bad days when he calls in a suicidal mindset, to "Oh, he's doing okay overall, he doesn't have that many problems" during a lull period. And he can change drastically day to day, week to week.

Personally, I have a hard time even talking to my brother at all these days, because it seems to me that he's just being manipulative/BS-ing/fooling himself and others all the time (and I don't know if he's on drugs or not at any given time). I know it's wrong for me to think that, but it's a protective mechanism, I guess. I know that he lies, but sometimes he doesn't seem to know that he does.

Why does it have to be like this? Why did I feel the need to put an extra lock on my door after hearing that he's coming to visit? Why does no one seem to understand?

[cfh]

Elfie

If you have a local NAMI affiliate nearby they give an excellent 12 week course called Family to Family.  It's free and it's a terrific education on mental illness, coping and communication skills.  You could take it with your parents if you all live nearby.

www.nami.org

[opheliasmom]

Elfie,  I can't answer the whys, but I can say that the people on these boards do understand.  It must be hard for you to love and live with someone who causes so much disruption in your family.  Its probably frustrating to watch your parents have to struggle with this situation.  I know that my non BPD daughter frequently felt ignored because so much attention was on the dwBPD.  You may want to consider Al-Anon.  Its is for family members of alcoholics and drug users. There will be people there who understand.  I send you love and suport.