Do you warn their next Victim?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Shortly after my SO with BPD and I broke up, she took to the internet to try and meet new 'friends'. She says she has sworn off dating and relationships for a long time. At this point right now, I just dont believe her. Ive caught her in so many lies lately, I dont know what to do.

What I do know is she has already found a new 'friend'. Someone she tries to spend every possible minute with when he doesn't work. Someone she tries to make me jealous of. Ive seen this happen in the past before we dated, and Ive seen the same thing happen with her and I. Ive even seen the same thing happen to a lesser extent when we were dating. I've done some thinking, and I know there is a good chance we may not get back together again.

However, I strongly feel someone should warn this new person in her life about what he may have to deal with. She puts on this "woe is me" speech about how she is so much better now, that everyone is so horrible to her, etc., when in truth she could slip at any moment. It was only 4 weeks ago since her last suicide attempt. I'm not sure if I'm just acting like a crazy jealous ex-boyfriend, but I feel if anything should happen more than them just being friends, this new person in her life has a right to know what he may be up against... .  Or do I just sit back and watch a repeat of her life all play out once again?

[inepted]

Shortly after my SO with BPD and I broke up, she took to the internet to try and meet new 'friends'. She says she has sworn off dating and relationships for a long time. At this point right now, I just dont believe her. Ive caught her in so many lies lately, I dont know what to do.

What I do know is she has already found a new 'friend'. Someone she tries to spend every possible minute with when he doesn't work. Someone she tries to make me jealous of. Ive seen this happen in the past before we dated, and Ive seen the same thing happen with her and I. Ive even seen the same thing happen to a lesser extent when we were dating. I've done some thinking, and I know there is a good chance we may not get back together again.

However, I strongly feel someone should warn this new person in her life about what he may have to deal with. She puts on this "woe is me" speech about how she is so much better now, that everyone is so horrible to her, etc., when in truth she could slip at any moment. It was only 4 weeks ago since her last suicide attempt. I'm not sure if I'm just acting like a crazy jealous ex-boyfriend, but I feel if anything should happen more than them just being friends, this new person in her life has a right to know what he may be up against... .  Or do I just sit back and watch a repeat of her life all play out once again?

[recoil]

I fight with this.  I learned something yesterday from reading a book on detachment.

"How others are behaving is entirely of their own choosing, and if they need input from me, they can ask for it."

- If someone from her past, present or future wants to talk, I will consider it.  But not until they ask me.  I will not proactively distribute information anymore.

- If she ever wants to talk about her condition (she knows something is wrong, just doesn't know what, and I've never told her), I will consider having that conversation, if she asks -- and if I feel strong enough emotionally.  I know some of us want to "solve their problem".  That's our need to control.  Sometimes I want to mail her a book about BPD anonymously.  I will not though.  But the urge comes up from time to time to "help", which is my desire to control the outcome -- get  her to recognize her disorder, address it, be with and complete me.  I had no idea I was so controlling.

Contacting the replacement is probably rooted in control.  Let's make it none of our business and move on (I keep telling myself this -- like every hour).

[inepted]

Glad to know others have these feelings. I know Ive been a little controlling in the relationship; I wanted to help her, to fix her. But I always tell myself that this is something she needs to do on my own.

But then, part of me wishes that someone would have told me early on in the relationship that "Hey, you need to change the way you act, or things will only get worse for the both of you".

[recoil]

But then, part of me wishes that someone would have told me early on in the relationship that "Hey, you need to change the way you act, or things will only get worse for the both of you".

I wish I knew more about detachment earlier.  But in the end, would it have really mattered?  

Maybe we would have prolonged the idealization phase?  Maybe lessened the hurt of the devaluation phase, to us?  

I think these phases are inevitable, regardless of how we interacted with them.  Maybe people on the Staying Board would disagree with me. 

Just my two cents.

[Truth in Ruin]

"she trys to make me feel jealous" I doubt it. People with BPD dont care about how other people feel.

[inepted]

"she trys to make me feel jealous" I doubt it. People with BPD dont care about how other people feel.

I should have worded it better. While she's not intentionally trying to make me jealous, I do know her well enough to know she's trying to get some reaction out of me. She can be a pretty high functioning BPD at times. When we were together, she truly did try and put my needs above her own as often as she could.

I wish I knew more about detachment earlier.  But in the end, would it have really mattered?  

Maybe we would have prolonged the idealization phase?  Maybe lessened the hurt of the devaluation phase, to us?  

I think these phases are inevitable, regardless of how we interacted with them.  Maybe people on the Staying Board would disagree with me. 

Just my two cents.

I agree. I know the phases are inevitable. I could never change it no matter how much I knew. I Just feel like I should warn them about what they're getting into. Or maybe nothing will come from it. I dont know. Maybe this time it will finally be different.

It just feels like Im watching a baby carriage sitting in the middle of the street, and a bus approaching at full speed. I know there will be an accident. Im far away. If I really run, theres only a slim chance I could make a difference.

[Truth in Ruin]

Think like the t.v. show "Animal Planet".  Let the lion eat its prey. It might take a year for the full effect. After a year, put a sheet of paper saying bpdfamily.com go to "how a relationship evolves" under his wiperblade of his car. Or maybe you shouldnt take my advise!

[inepted]

Think like the t.v. show "Animal Planet".  Let the lion eat its prey. It might take a year for the full effect. After a year, put a sheet of paper saying bpdfamily.com go to "how a relationship evolves" under his wiperblade of his car. Or maybe you shouldnt take my advise!

Ha, that's a good way of looking at it. Thanks for putting a smile on my face.

[Kiss Of Kismet]

I did contact him and gave him elaborate details on what she had been doing because she would tell me about it and she found out the truth when he would text me and this ended up causing me to be painted black to some extent, she went ballistic but she was still like "I don't hate you." Although I am still confused as to how she sees me, honestly I could have covered my tracks better, I deleted all the texts but a few which made me feel somewhat justified but guilty, and ironically my phone was accidentally destroyed a day after, which I still see as being ironic, because had it been a day earlier I would not have been in the situation. And after that she finally had something to smear me with it, after I had kept secrets that would have made anyone hate her instantly, secrets that had been killing me for years, that I wanted to tell to somebody to just have them tell me it was ok that I could be stronger, that things would get better. She essentially cut me off from lots of people by making me look like I was some kind of bitter jealous ex hellbent on getting her back, which to some extent I did want, but I had contemplated speaking to him, for months before, and it just made me feel really bad when I would see him looking exactly like I did, just keeping in the hurt because he didnt know how badly she was behaving behind his back.

[Kiss Of Kismet]

Honestly it may be better to not say anything, but I am not fully convinced either way, I came to visit her in Mexico and she had a new guy, and I had access to her facebook, and there are some truly disgusting things on there I cannot lie, that she said, but I felt like I did violate her trust, I honestly do it is just I could not see that behaviour go unpunished, there reached a time in one week, she was having sex with the me, the new guy and the guy she was cheating on him with, and when we finished she was always like "we can't keep doing this, I only want him," and "this never happened" real heart breaking stuff, after I had worked so hard and put off time to fly there and get her presents and she had led me on about who she really loved deep down was me.

It was really, I dont know, just wrong, everything, was just so wrong, I could not believe at times this is who I brought to see all my family (my grandmothers in the hospital ask about her) and took all those trips to those different countries, she was so cold and apathetic and refused to do anything with me except have sex, when I got here, and even then I dont think that was what I wanted, I just wanted her to acknowledge what we were, that I meant something to her, that she could enjoy spending time with me after I worked so hard to get here while she complained about being so lonely and empty all the time, I thought I could solve her problems by getting there like I did all those times before. *sigh

[Clearmind]

However, I strongly feel someone should warn this new person in her life about what he may have to deal with. She puts on this "woe is me" speech about how she is so much better now, that everyone is so horrible to her, etc., when in truth she could slip at any moment. It was only 4 weeks ago since her last suicide attempt. I'm not sure if I'm just acting like a crazy jealous ex-boyfriend, but I feel if anything should happen more than them just being friends, this new person in her life has a right to know what he may be up against... .  Or do I just sit back and watch a repeat of her life all play out once again?

Remember back to when you first met her – you were starry eyed, idealized and placed on a pedestal - Would you have listened?

We no longer need to rescue others inepted. We need to now look after us and heal – not everyone attaches to a BPD – we need to seek out our reasons for choosing a BPD rather than rescue others and taking away the learning curve they are in for.

Can you see your role in the Karpman Triangle?

Our Dysfunctional Roles with Others

This purpose of this workshop is to discuss the dynamics of difficult family and partner relationships and how we become caught up in them.

The Karpman  Triangle, described by Stephen Karpman and elaborated by many others, is a very useful tool for understanding "stuck" relationship dynamics. The idea is that we often find ourselves playing out scripts. These roles feel safe, as they are familiar; we slip into as comfortable as we sink into the us-shaped indent in our own beds. But they are very limiting. They keep us trapped.

The triangle in its simple form consists of three roles:



The roles are Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer. We may start in one position, but as another (or others) shift around the triangle, so do we.

The Persecutor insists, "It's all your fault." The Persecutor is controlling, blaming, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritative, rigid, and superior.

The Victim is of course persecuted. The Victim's stance is "Poor me!" The Victim feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed, and seems unable to make decisions, solve problems, take pleasure in life, or achieve insight. The Victim, if not being persecuted, will seek out a Persecutor and also a Rescuer who will "save" the day but also perpetuate the Victim's negative feelings.

The Rescuer's line is "Let me help you." A classic enabler, the Rescuer feels guilty if he/she doesn't rescue. Yet his/her rescuing has negative effects: It keeps the Victim dependent and gives the Victim permission to fail. It also keeps the Rescuer stuck in focusing energy on someone else's problems, not solving his/her own.

(For a fuller discussion of the triangle, see "The Three Faces of Victim" at https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0.)