Is it best to do no contact

[cal644]

Currently I'm in the process of a divorce.  I would like nothing better than to get back together with my uBPDw.  She is very confused, scared, angry, resentful, and sad.  Is it best for me to do NC and give her space or to try talking to her?  When I have told her I loved her - her answer was "you shouldn't" When I tell her I would like to work on things - her answer was "you have no idea how much damage you have done to me"  Any suggestions on if it's best to totally pull away or do I continue to try to throw white flags.

[Clearmind]

cal, reconciliation requires a lot to change. Is she capable of change? Are you aware of your role in this relationship - have you healed?

[RedCandle]

Cal, I've posted this on here before... .  but I'd like to share the "Well Theory" with you, which I learned in Al Anon... .  it's helped me maintain 2 months now of strict No Contact... .  

If every day, you, your significant other, your family, friends and co-workers go to draw from a well... .  surely, it can run low fast. To make matters worse, your significant other has BPD (or an addiction) and THEY go to draw from the well almost four times as much as any one else to fill their needs.

Soon. Very soon. The well runs dry. Now, when you or anyone else goes to get water... .  all they dredge up from the bottom is filthy, dirty, disgusting water and mud. Soon... .  EVERYONE is sick.

Well that well is your heart, your soul, your emotional well-being.

And when someone has been drawing from it day after day after day and there has been NO TIME to allow the well to REPLENISH itself... .  all that ANYONE gets, including you... .  is muck.

You need to give yourself that time to "refill the well"... .  that's what No Contact means to me.

Time to heal... .  time to get perspective... .  

EVERY TIME you break No Contact... .  that's a draw from the well... .  that's why we feel set back.

I stay No Contact because my "well" has been dry for a LONG TIME and it's going to take a LONG TIME to fill back up.

[cal644]

Red candle... .  I really appreciate that.  Your right ... .  for 19 years she has been drawing from that well that I got so used to keeping it supplied for her.  Now that the wife I knew if technically dead I feel at a loss that she is not comming everyday to draw from it.  I think I need to fill my well again and finally give myself the opportunity to draw from it fully.  Thank you!