Here to help myself

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Read my introduction here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=194587.0

I am feeling much better after meeting counselor.

I have repeatedly made it clear to him that I am emotionally broken and need help and time to get better. Saturday evening, there was sudden positive change his attitude. He is acting normal, like person I knew 2 years back.

He is helping me learn driving. We went shopping and he bought clothes for me. That's something else I wanted to bring here. He is a gentleman, a real one. He takes care of me, in many ways. I also see a lot of goodness in him. He is kind to people, very patient at times. He has loves his parents and still respects people. Very rarely does he bad mouth anyone.

He loves to get clothes and gifts for me because he likes to see me wearing nice clothes. He likes me to shine. We eat out a lot and he gets the bill most of the times. I feel awkward as I have always been so independent and on my own. Somebody spending so much money on me, seems like a big favor to me, like I am being in debt. He is being super nice to me again. And I feel dead inside. I don't know why.

He has told me in past that he has to be nice to me, nicest person possible so that I stick around him.  I once borrowed money from him and he said as a joke that I don't need to return the money so that I stick around him always. Now, I don't understand this. Is he being nice because he loves me and doing this out of care, or is trying to win me through his positive side and money?

My counselor suggested that he should see another counselor. After 3-4 sessions, she would see us as a couple. She gave me the number of other counselor and said, ask him to call for appointment. Don't call for him. When I mentioned this to him, he said he is not interested. He is happy talking about his feelings to me. He is happy to visit the counselor with me. What does this mean?

He has made it clear that he does not want to get married, but he wants me.  Because nothing is forever, because his past marriages didn't work. I think that's an escapist route, an excuse for failing. If you plant a seed thinking it's gonna die, it is going to die. I however want to get settled, have a house, may be get married one day. I had given up on all these dreams to be with him, to make him happy. He definitely wants me back. I know. And I think it's not fair that I am still trying to make this work with him knowing there is no future. So lost and confused.

I don't want to make any big decision yet as I still want to give myself some time. On the other note, I am feeling much better. Have got my smile and appetite back. Doing yoga and taking care of myself. Spending some me time.

I owe a big one to everyone in the forum. Thanks you new family!

[pari]

Read my introduction here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=194587.0

I am feeling much better after meeting counselor.

I have repeatedly made it clear to him that I am emotionally broken and need help and time to get better. Saturday evening, there was sudden positive change his attitude. He is acting normal, like person I knew 2 years back.

He is helping me learn driving. We went shopping and he bought clothes for me. That's something else I wanted to bring here. He is a gentleman, a real one. He takes care of me, in many ways. I also see a lot of goodness in him. He is kind to people, very patient at times. He has loves his parents and still respects people. Very rarely does he bad mouth anyone.

He loves to get clothes and gifts for me because he likes to see me wearing nice clothes. He likes me to shine. We eat out a lot and he gets the bill most of the times. I feel awkward as I have always been so independent and on my own. Somebody spending so much money on me, seems like a big favor to me, like I am being in debt. He is being super nice to me again. And I feel dead inside. I don't know why.

He has told me in past that he has to be nice to me, nicest person possible so that I stick around him.  I once borrowed money from him and he said as a joke that I don't need to return the money so that I stick around him always. Now, I don't understand this. Is he being nice because he loves me and doing this out of care, or is trying to win me through his positive side and money?

My counselor suggested that he should see another counselor. After 3-4 sessions, she would see us as a couple. She gave me the number of other counselor and said, ask him to call for appointment. Don't call for him. When I mentioned this to him, he said he is not interested. He is happy talking about his feelings to me. He is happy to visit the counselor with me. What does this mean?

He has made it clear that he does not want to get married, but he wants me.  Because nothing is forever, because his past marriages didn't work. I think that's an escapist route, an excuse for failing. If you plant a seed thinking it's gonna die, it is going to die. I however want to get settled, have a house, may be get married one day. I had given up on all these dreams to be with him, to make him happy. He definitely wants me back. I know. And I think it's not fair that I am still trying to make this work with him knowing there is no future. So lost and confused.

I don't want to make any big decision yet as I still want to give myself some time. On the other note, I am feeling much better. Have got my smile and appetite back. Doing yoga and taking care of myself. Spending some me time.

I owe a big one to everyone in the forum. Thanks you new family!

[Clearmind]

pari, he fears abandonment to his core.

This may not be your situation - however my partner use to tell me what to wear, pick out clothes for me in stores, and over please - me and everyone else. This is a form of control. My partner had me feeling not good enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough - because my choices in what I wanted to wear were not entertained. It felt it was his role.

In essence he wanted to change me - I became resentful.

Its lovely that our partners want to be supportive - buying clothes is maybe not one of them - does he support your needs? does he listen to you? Do you trust him? These are the things that matter in a relationship.

I'm pleased you are seeing a counsellor - have you discussed with them about what needs to change for a reconciliation to be possible? Is it dependent on him seeking out therapy?

[pari]

@Clearmind: Thanks for your response. You are right. He fears abandonment. He is insecure, has a lot of guilt and he needs a lot of attention from me. He has been talking about it recently. He doesn't know what to do about it but feel guilty about sharing this with me. Sometimes I feel that he is like a child, pure at heart and needs a lot of attention. But I try to be not emotional in such situations.

Something inside me has shut down recently and I don't feel the same way about him. Time I used to spend attending him, I am using to do things I like. My this behavior is making him more insecure. He feels guilty about wanting me because I don't want him in the same way. I try not to pressure myself with this but still I feel helpless, as if something is expected out of me because it's what he wants. I guess these are his ways of making me guilty and getting attention from me, controlling me.

My counselor thinks I am going through an emotional breakdown and first I need to take care of my self, care for my happiness and then think about what I want in this relationship. That can only work if he is also seeking a counselor to get out of his guilt and insecurities. But he doesn't want to do that. So I am not very confident that this might work out because I know he needs help and is looking for me to help him. But at the moment, I need to help myself first.

[Clearmind]

pari, I so understand where you are at. Towards the end of my r/s I too had shut down emotionally, physically and spiritually. I felt I had nothing more to give. Sexually, I found it really hard because I saw him as being a young child - I recall thinking to myself that he is appears to act on all levels like a 12 year old boy.

That is wonderful news pari, that you have recognized that you need to heal. We cannot save them at the expense of ourselves.

Be kind to you

[pari]

@Clearmind: So true, I feel the exact same way. In fact my partner often talks in his sleep, gets sexually active and acts like a 10 year old who enjoys sex but feels guilty too  (too much guilt).  I often see 2 sides of him, one who is so confident and sure of himself and other one just the opposite.

I have so much trouble understanding if it is love or he is just being nice to me to get my attention and toy me around. I strongly believe that he needs help. But I know he wouldn't do it without me.

In the mean time, I am reading suggested articles to decide my communication strategies with him.

Thank you so much for positive influence.   I will keep posting the updates.

[benny2]

pari, I so understand what you are saying. I have stated the 12 year boy I see so many times. He can be the most kind, considerate, wonderful man at times, and then just plain evil at other times. I also think I have lost feelings for mine. I just don't feel the same way anymore when we are together. I think hes just breaking me down little by little and soon there will be nothing left which will make it much easier for me to part for good. As far as the control thing, mine uses sex as a form of control. He wants to keep me souley for himself, but yet does not want to have a comitted relationship with me. He also has had 2 failed marriages and I feel like I am being punished for that. I am nothing like the women he married but I think he looks at women as a whole now and as we all know there is no getting through to them that this is not fair. I am not going to fall into his trap again. I guess right now because there is no one else in my life, I am just going to use him as he has been using me all these years and hopefully one day I can say goodbye for good, I have found someone who can truely love me.

[pari]

@diane22121: I can so related to your situation. Wow, it sounds to similar to mine. 2 failed marriages, acting like a child, non-committed relationship (he did try to date few women, I couldn't stand it and he stopped that eventually), anger (huge amounts).

I am feeling a lot better these days, taking care of myself. But SO doesn't like it. He thinks I am toying him by having him around and not being affectionate like before. I actually feel nothing. But I am still trying to make it work by seeing a counselor, spending time together. But he wants more. We were very close before my breakdown. I don't feel that way now and it hurts him. He thinks that if he is around, he should be physically close with me and only that's when he would feel loved and wanted. If I say, I am going through a different phase, that means all the time we spent in past was a lie and then he starts feeling guilty about it.

I am awful at communication with him. I often get too conscious of what I am going to say and then screw the lines and mess up his mood and eventually mine. So stuck. Don't know what to do.

[pari]

Any suggested readings on how to handle pBPD who constantly needs attention?

I am trying to focus on myself and that has reduced my attention on him. He wants my attention all the time and gets upset when I am busy doing other things. He finds physical closeness very comforting and needs it all the time, especially after my emotional breakdown. Expects me to feel the same way and gets upset when I don't. To him, attention and closeness are the signs that I am interested in him.

Any tips, readings would be helpful.

[benny2]

I hear ya pari, I also have trouble communicating. Its like I constantly have to watch what I say because it could trigger him. I start to see the anger in his face at times and I have to tell him to stop. He takes things the wrong way all the time and makes things that I say into something totally different. I wish I knew how to tap into this. I would like to make it work but it seems so hopeless. I also think he is regreting his divorce at times and this is alot of his problem. He regrets it when he loses anyone in his life including me. I still have feelings for him, deep feelings, but I think after all that has happened I know deep down inside it will never work because we keep ending up in the same place, apart.