House hunting stress

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It has been a rough new year. The fighting, or at least steady tension, has been perpetual. My pwBPD gets way stressed about moving. We are looking for a place together and some other potential room mates. I swear she has broken up with me ten times since Xmas. She says I don't care. Truth is, I'm just drained. Moving doesn't really suit me this year. But everyone is being positive about it. Getting yet another break up request and she found someone else to live with (totally bogus in my opinion). When I ask about it, I'm trying to start a fight.

I have received some good advice from others on this board about boundaries and validation. But I almost feel myself detaching. Maybe that is part of the exhaustion. Maybe I am just done. I think I am harmful to this relationship now. I can't stop thinking about these ideas for my future. None of them seem to include her.

[Bulgakov]

It has been a rough new year. The fighting, or at least steady tension, has been perpetual. My pwBPD gets way stressed about moving. We are looking for a place together and some other potential room mates. I swear she has broken up with me ten times since Xmas. She says I don't care. Truth is, I'm just drained. Moving doesn't really suit me this year. But everyone is being positive about it. Getting yet another break up request and she found someone else to live with (totally bogus in my opinion). When I ask about it, I'm trying to start a fight.

I have received some good advice from others on this board about boundaries and validation. But I almost feel myself detaching. Maybe that is part of the exhaustion. Maybe I am just done. I think I am harmful to this relationship now. I can't stop thinking about these ideas for my future. None of them seem to include her.

[Vindi]

moving is a huge step, and now maybe you can decide if you want her to live with you, or do you think that could make things worse. Are you living together *now* and looking for a new place or are you thinking of moving in with her?

Keep setting the boundaries, set firm boundaries and do this for you. It sounds like in your mind you are detaching from her, and living together could make things much worse, you will see eachother alot more and you have to decide if this is what you would want. Keep posting and know you are not alone.

[Bulgakov]

We are not currently living together. We have in the past for a few years. We called it off and have been living separately for a couple years. Things started back up last year. That's where I'm at now. I'm starting to think that every time things are okay and I try to focus on "me" time (which unfortunately includes lots of homework), problems will arise again. Maybe with everything else it is just the wrong time in my life to be in a relationship. I'm not the type of person that needs to be around someone all the time in order to love them. I would probably get sick of some of my best friends if I was around them for days at a time (depending on the context of course). I'm just a very independent person, who does indeed need his friends, but is also craving independence and personal experience/exploration. Right now, it is as if time with friends and independence are not exactly winning the race in the face of the attention a relationship requires.

I'm not even sure this is all about moving in together. I have handled it before, maybe at a detriment to my health, but the real issue at hand is that the life I see myself pursuing may just lead to a stressful  and triggering relationship. Does anyone on here travel a lot for their job or school or anything? How does it work out for you and your pwBPD. With field schools in particular, I could be gone for weeks. Weekend jaunts are something I do not want to keep denying myself any longer, either.

I also get the feeling I am currently going through the motions out of fear/pain avoidance. I know that isn't healthy, but it is hard for me to face sometimes.

The more I post, the more I can see how mixed up I am. I appreciate having this board as a kind of therapy until I can find time/resources for a T.

[Vindi]

its probably best not to move in together, it can give you time to think things over. You said you are going thru the emotions out of

fear/pain avoidance... .  is it that you are fearful to leave her? maybe you have some codependent traits (I know I sure do!) How many years have you been with her? and yes keep posting, it is theraputic!

[arabella]

Only you know what's best for you, Bulgakov, but since you asked... .  I wouldn't move in with her now. It doesn't sound like you are in the right head space yourself to be able to have a healthy cohabitation. Plus, if she can't accept a delay in moving in together, then she is not going to be able to accept your future plans (field schools, weekends away, etc). Better to sort it out now rather than get dragged into a mess that's ever harder to extricate yourself from later.

I know what you mean about fear/pain avoidance - I'm struggling in my decision-making as well and am wondering if that isn't my problem too. How do we know? I'd really like to hear more about this, how you're feeling, what you're doing to sort it out for yourself, etc.

To answer your question re independence and how that works with my pwBPD... .  Mine is actually very independent himself and, if anything, would want me to spend MORE time away rather than less. He has always been happiest when I'm very busy with my own life and he's never had any problems with my travelling for work/school. So, I think it's more a matter of personality, or co-morbid disorders, and not strictly a BPD issue. But that's just my personal experience, I'm certainly not an expert on the issue!

[Bulgakov]

Vindi:

I think I am afraid to leave her. First, bc I love her, care about her, and worry about her. Second, I think I might have some fear of what could happen if I broke up with her; regarding both of us. I've seen what happens when someone is on her bad side. On the other hand, she recently admitted that I am the only important person in her life, the only thing keeping her here (she doesn't want to live here anymore). Everyone else is replaceable. I worry about how she will get along, but I did tell her she would be very disappointed if she was going to continue to only rely on me for emotional support and company. I very much think I have become codependent. We have been very close for about 5 years. There was a little over a year long break in between where we kept in touch, and I now know I was being kept around as backup. She was going to move, be with someone else out of state, all of that fell through and I was her safety net. Sometimes I am ashamed of how I have put up with a few things and still stuck around. I don't think that is me. But sometimes I don't know anymore.

Arabella:

I just find myself going over the top sometimes and putting up with quite a bit of verbal abuse (sometimes physical) in order to defuse a situation. I think the fear of leaving causes me to put up with a lot, bc in the back of my mind, I know not doing this or that could end the relationship and maybe lead to more bad stuff. It seems circular. I am trying to avoid personal grief, yet I go through hell sometimes to attempt to avoid this grief. How silly and obviously unhealthy. I will leave bc she is mad and tells me to leave. Then I will come right back bc she immediately comes down on me for leaving. I guess I start thinking, "better to go back and let her vent/rage bc I will be getting texts/calls for much longer if I don't." Lately, I have felt like I am detaching. Maybe my boundaries are getting a little stronger, indirectly, bc of that. Though I even fear setting boundaries, I kind of just gave up on a couple arguments lately and went along with the breakup thing that keeps coming up. She seemed to stop herself short a couple times, possibly bc of boundaries I am not necessarily trying to set. However, I can see that boundaries are something I need to work on. Part of me doesn't want to work on boundaries. Maybe I don't want to drag this on anymore.

This post feels like a jumbled mess to me. I hope I can clarify a couple things the more I think about them.

[arabella]

I feel the same way. I put up with ridiculous behaviour and emotional abuse because I fear that the breakup will be even worse. It's hard because he's my best friend and I don't want to lose him... .  but I'm not sure how much I can withstand. Some days I feel strong, like I could just leave, and other days I can't stop crying and would do anything to make the relationship work. It's ridiculous. I just keep telling myself that when I'm ready to decide, I'll just know. Maybe he'll push a little too far this time and I'll finally be able to let go. Or maybe he'll come around again and actually seek treatment. The suspense is killing me though!

And I see myself in your explanation of boundary setting (or lack thereof). I set boundaries and he runs away - he generally sees my boundaries as proof that I am rejecting him and that we aren't compatible. No, I shouldn't say that. I haven't previously understood how to properly set and enforce my boundaries, so my values got trod upon. I'm partially to blame there but at least now I know. But in crisis, dBPDh takes every little thing as proof that the relationship is doomed. I am having a very hard time not caving in all over the place... .