Do they miss us or think about us?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have to believe they miss us or think about us. Or if they have someone's attention are we just an afterthought? Do they get depressed over us or only people they deem as unattainable?

When I was with my ex she was always reaching out to her ex to try to get back with him but he don't want anything to so with her. Even though I'm not with my ex any more, I know she still isn't over that guy. So it seems that I was just a rebound or something to distract her until she eventually tried I get back with him?

[fakename]

I have to believe they miss us or think about us. Or if they have someone's attention are we just an afterthought? Do they get depressed over us or only people they deem as unattainable?

When I was with my ex she was always reaching out to her ex to try to get back with him but he don't want anything to so with her. Even though I'm not with my ex any more, I know she still isn't over that guy. So it seems that I was just a rebound or something to distract her until she eventually tried I get back with him?

[momtara]

I would guess that they do.  They sometimes even regret their behavior.  They just have a lot of warring impulses and thoughts.  It's hard for them to know which ones are true and lasting and which are from the disorder. 

[fakename]

What do you think we meant to them?

Just someone to use or they actually tried to be with us?

What do they think of their thoughts if they don't know they have BPD?

How do they make decisions?

I remember my ex saying that she would go with her instincts or gut a lot

[MakeItHappen]

one might not ever know... .  

looking back, i remember, just how OFTEN my BPDex would talk about how horrible her ex was... .  almost, reeling me in to be the best she'd ever had. in all capacities... .  it was a lie. at least, that's how i have to rationalize it. 

from the research i've done, that's what they do. it's a way to pull us in to be the "best" partner EVER.

i'm upset at myself that i didn't pick up on the warning signs of that alone.

i'd always say, "why do you keep bringing your ex up?" "i thought you're no longer in contact, etc."

she always made up SOME sort of EXCUSE that made me think otherwise... .  

ugh... .  

[mosaicbird]

My ex went through bouts where she missed me. That's reported by her and by third-parties, so one can possibly believe it to be true.   But I'm not sure they miss *us*, so much as the idealized version of us.

[MakeItHappen]

so well put mosaic bird.

wow. truly right on!

as well as, whatever we miss about them, was a vision of them.

not real. :'(

[seeking balance]

I have to believe they miss us or think about us. Or if they have someone's attention are we just an afterthought? Do they get depressed over us or only people they deem as unattainable?

When I was with my ex she was always reaching out to her ex to try to get back with him but he don't want anything to so with her. Even though I'm not with my ex any more, I know she still isn't over that guy. So it seems that I was just a rebound or something to distract her until she eventually tried I get back with him?

Yes, they miss us - it just might look different than the way you miss someone.

[fakename]

i wonder why she only would contact me when she was lonely or single, but when she was with me, she would contact her ex?

she said her ex was the 1st guy she never cheated on, even though she booty-called me a couple times during a couple of their break ups... .  but i wonder why doesnt she contact me when she's dating others?

[mosaicbird]

i wonder why she only would contact me when she was lonely or single, but when she was with me, she would contact her ex?

They're more interested in the people who are unavailable. How did you react when she contacted her ex when she was with you? Did you give her any sort of response that would feed her need for validation and attention (like jealousy)? Her current source might not react in ways that are rewarding for her if she contacts you.

[momtara]

Someone always looks more perfect when you aren't with them seeing their flaws.  It's easy to idealize someone who's not there.  They may not realize the diff between fantasy and reality like we do.

"What do you think we meant to them? Just someone to use or they actually tried to be with us?"

I think they care... .  they just can't reconcile these various emotions.  Sometimes they care about us, sometimes they don't, and they don't realize how contradictory that is.  It's hard for us to understand.  It's a mental disorder. It doesn't mean they don't care or love us - just, they're not consistent.

[benny2]

Its a very hard disorder to deal with. I often felt that he was using me for whatever his needs were at the time but I do truely believe he cares, its just that there is no consistency with his emotions. For example, the past week he has been contacting me morning, noon, and night. Starting talking about what went wrong, saying he is better now, and I thought oh boy here we go again, but now theres silence again. Have'nt heard from him since yesterday. It seems to me that their mind changes almost on a daily basis. What they want and feel one day simply might not be there the next, but tends to come back again. It does'nt mean that they are not sincere when they feel these things, its just that their feelings keep changing. Must be an awful way to live.

[fakename]

mosaicbird,

how did i react to when she contacted her ex? after 2 years of whatever type of relationship we had, it got to the point where i wouldn't really react at all to anything she did, just tried to maintain the calm so we wouldn't have blown out arguments of yelling.  i would stay come and try to have a rational conversation/debate, while dealing with her irrational logic and insults.  if she contacted her ex i would try to be understanding about it, as i tried to be understanding of eveyrthing about her (i thought she was just dealing with having trouble getting over her ex, as anyone would, but never could understand why she would keep contacting him after promising me she was trying to make it work with me. i would only get upset or break up with her if i caught her lying, cause i cant deal with the lies.  but still i would never raise my voice or yell (in the beginning of our relationship i would, but after some time, i just tried to do whatever i could to make the relationship work and treat her well... .  it got to the point that i would always accept blame for thigns even if i wasnt at fault, but just to appease to her)... .  so pathetic.

i was never the jealous type, only would get bothered and express annoyance and anger that she is still trying to get with others. i would tell her if you want to go out and date, then go do that, but dont string me along, i dont get why you have to do it while youre with me.  i would also tell her if she obviously thinks there's someone better than me out there, then leave me alone and stop using me.  i would ask her why she keeps leaving me and cheating on me, and i would always feel like i was doing something wrong.

[seeking balance]

i wonder why she only would contact me when she was lonely or single, but when she was with me, she would contact her ex?

Fear of abandonment and Fear of engulfment are on the same spectrum and this is illustrated in your question.  Being alone hurts so she contacts her emotional supply source (you).  Once you are there, fear of engulfment kicks in, thus she copes with that irrational fear by contacting your ex.

Both are maladaptive coping to self soothe.

[benny2]

so hard to understand it all. Mine did the same thing while I was living there. He had constant contact with his ex who lived 2 doors down. He always told me it was minor things and wanted me, but even after she moved, the contact continued. So whats the answer. Don't get to close to them? Keep things on a casual basis? Thats where we are at right now and he seems to be fine with it, but its not what I want and I have told him that. If someone else comes along and wants a real relationship, I'm out!

[HarmKrakow]

I have to believe they miss us or think about us. Or if they have someone's attention are we just an afterthought? Do they get depressed over us or only people they deem as unattainable?

When I was with my ex she was always reaching out to her ex to try to get back with him but he don't want anything to so with her. Even though I'm not with my ex any more, I know she still isn't over that guy. So it seems that I was just a rebound or something to distract her until she eventually tried I get back with him?

Do they miss us?

When the BPD continues to it's next victim, the 'ex' will of course be discussed. It will be discussed in the form of how horrible we were, and how we destroyed them and how much their current bf is so much better.

They don't miss your or think about us. I don't believe it, and if, IF they think about us, it's because they NEED something, not because they like to remember the good ol' days.

[seeking balance]

When the BPD continues to it's next victim, the 'ex' will of course be discussed. It will be discussed in the form of how horrible we were, and how we destroyed them and how much their current bf is so much better.

They don't miss your or think about us. I don't believe it, and if, IF they think about us, it's because they NEED something, not because they like to remember the good ol' days.

Look, it is ok to be angry harmkrakow - but focusing on the facts helps to detach in a healthy manner. 

BPD is a mental illness showing itself in maladaptive coping - self soothing - in unhealthy ways.

Yes, they miss people - it simply looks different than you or I at times of dysregulation.

[mosaicbird]

When the BPD continues to it's next victim, the 'ex' will of course be discussed. It will be discussed in the form of how horrible we were, and how we destroyed them and how much their current bf is so much better.

That hasn't always been my experience... My ex could talk about other people she'd been deeply involved with in good ways. Yes, it was frequently about how they'd betrayed her, and there were some she had painted entirely black, but sometimes she would express that she missed them and talk about their good qualities... It was rare, but I think it existed all the time in her... she just couldn't let herself or others see the actual pain involved in her need to devalue them.

[j4c]

The only time my ex said anything remotely nice about any of her exs was when i turned round to her one day and asked her if she ever had anything good to say about her exs as all i ever heard were the negative remarks. Then when prompted she'd say oh yeah but im still friends with him & his new gf or him and his wife etc. Never once heard her say any of them were kind hearted people or decent folk, it was all about how much crap she'd had to put up with n how selfish, violent, untrustworthy or unappreciative they all were towards her! 

I've been told by a few of her associates that she thinks of every single one of her exs as a total let-down & that they haven't got the first clue about how to treat a woman correctly! She calls us all by her favourite word... .  DI.CKHEAD! 

So from my experience would i say that she 'misses' any off her previous lovers?

Well apparantly they do. But obviously not in the same way us nons feel when reminising about all the wonderful moments of joy & togetherness we both shared. How could they miss those times if you've been painted completely black? How do they remember those times when they spend their lives living in 'the moment'? 

My ex has a photgraphic memory when it comes to things like peoples birthdays, addresses, ages, names, significant dates etc. But if you were to ask her to describe the way she felt the first night she told me she loved me or the first time we had sex etc she wouldn't remember. All she feels is how she feels right now. Now if you were to ask me the same questions, i'd tell you honestly i recall it as if it were yesterday - even to the point where i may even shed a tear. And at times like this i would feel a sense of missing her, even after 9 months NC.

[fakename]

J4c.

That's funny that you me mention 'living in the moment'

My ex was all about that and 'be happy' and 'be in the present' and whatever stuff eckhart tolle says.

I was just remembering how she would never listen to me. How I would tell her typing with two thumbs is quicker on her iPhone so should learn that instead of using one finger.

Or how she's so set in her ways and tries to push them onto everyone else. Like she works out to the insanity DVD. I use p90x and told her its great and she just goes on about how no insanity is the best blah blah blah that's all people need to use. I would tell her they both accomplish different things but she wouldn't hear any of it. Then one magical day she tried p90x and then starts pushing that on people. The same thing goes with diet. She just becomes obsessed with things.

She also gets real clingy in relationships real fast. I don't understand that fully.

I also feel like if she didn't get attention from me right away whenever she wanted it she felt alone. I felt like I was babysitting her where I always had to think about how she's doing or how to cater to her and be on call for her. It was like a 24/7 job. It's be sad if she doesn't remember how we'll I treated her

[fakename]

Come to think of it I remember feeling like she needed attention from everyone. Whether out with my friends, she needed to be the center of attention or the authority of whatever subject or if we went out I feel like she needed people to look at us and think 'oh what a nice couple'

Messed up in the head

[j4c]

I must have read on these boards a hundred times how a member has treated their pwBPD with nothing but kindness, generousity & respect. Yet as the devaluing phase kicks in they begin to see us treating them differently - even though we aren't doing ANYTHING different!

I was only with my ex for 5 months but we lived in each others pockets throughout & i did everything i possibly could to make her happy! But at the end as she discarded me & left me for dead, her main reason for leaving me was the fact that i'd been the worst boyfriend she'd EVER had & i'd treated her horrendously! This was the one thing that left my head spinning for months. To have put so much effort into someone that i'd fallen in love with just to be told how much of a pathetic excuse of a boyfriend i was nearly sent me to an early grave!

Luckily for me i took it upon myself to google her crazy behaviour about 3 weeks after our break-up last june and all of a sudden everthing made perfect sense. She had BPD.

Im honestly not sure how i'd have got through it with my sanity in tact if i'd met her before the internet came along.

[MakeItHappen]

I must have read on these boards a hundred times how a member has treated their pwBPD with nothing but kindness, generousity & respect. Yet as the devaluing phase kicks in they begin to see us treating them differently - even though we aren't doing ANYTHING different!

I was only with my ex for 5 months but we lived in each others pockets throughout & i did everything i possibly could to make her happy! But at the end as she discarded me & left me for dead, her main reason for leaving me was the fact that i'd been the worst boyfriend she'd EVER had & i'd treated her horrendously! This was the one thing that left my head spinning for months. To have put so much effort into someone that i'd fallen in love with just to be told how much of a pathetic excuse of a boyfriend i was nearly sent me to an early grave!

Luckily for me i took it upon myself to google her crazy behaviour about 3 weeks after our break-up last june and all of a sudden everthing made perfect sense. She had BPD.

Im honestly not sure how i'd have got through it with my sanity in tact if i'd met her before the internet came along.

Exactly!

Even though we we're only together for 4 months, I started to pay much attention 2 months in. It's as if I was talking/dating, 2 different people.

After ALL the things, time, money, love, etc. that I gave, I was barely feeling/being treated like a friend, let alone someone she was dating so, I let her know how I was feeling.  I let her know that things we're wrong and wanted to know why she had been a different person for awhile.

Once that was said, all hell kinda broke loose.

I mentioned all the things that I was feeling by her lack of actions and she claimed ZERO responsibility, blamed it on me, claimed it was all my fault and then, we we're on a break... .  

As of now, we're 100% done with no actual conversation about it.  I kept saying, i'd like to talk about this "break," and move on... .  The subject was ALWAYS danced around... .  

I know for a fact that if I didn't point out all her "faults," (the things she wasn't doing for me to make me feel like we we're even friends, let alone partners), we would more than likely, still be together. 

I'm GLAD I saw the light when I did.

[fakename]

so my ex with BPD emailed me this morning... .  

"chantix.com will help you quit smoking"

we've had NC since feb 4th... .  i know she's gone out on dates since then. and i'm guessing she had to have slept with someone.

what do i do?

last night and this morning, i've been thiking how maybe i could keep the relationship alive just for the sex... .  i dont know if thats just my addiction to her talking or not... .  i feel like i'm at a point that i can keep my distance?


i've also been secretly hoping she'd contact me... .  i dont know what her intentions are... .  i figure it's thrusday, so she probably wants to make sure i'm thinking about her over the weekend and not trying to meet new girls... .  i know this weekend she has to take care of her sister's kids, so she wont be going out... .  the past 2 weekends when she did go out, she had no interest in contacting me...

i dont know if i should reply with something short like, "please delete my contact information, thank you"

or send this BPD questionnaire i have for her to fill out... .  


what do you guys think?

[inepted]

I mentioned all the things that I was feeling by her lack of actions and she claimed ZERO responsibility, blamed it on me, claimed it was all my fault and then, we we're on a break... .  

As of now, we're 100% done with no actual conversation about it.  I kept saying, i'd like to talk about this "break," and move on... .  The subject was ALWAYS danced around... .  

I know for a fact that if I didn't point out all her "faults," (the things she wasn't doing for me to make me feel like we we're even friends, let alone partners), we would more than likely, still be together. 

I'm GLAD I saw the light when I did.

I can not agree with this more. My ex and I are doing that same dance right now. Every time we try and have a conversation about the break, she gives as vague of an answer as she can, or plan out changes the subject. I know talking about it is impossible now, and may never be discussed further. I managed to get at least a little closure, so I at least dont feel the need to discuss it anymore unless she brings it up.

what do i do?

last night and this morning, i've been thiking how maybe i could keep the relationship alive just for the sex... .  i dont know if thats just my addiction to her talking or not... .  i feel like i'm at a point that i can keep my distance?

Keeping her around for the sex just isnt worth it. If it's really the only reason to keep her around, I can only imagine it would lead to constant recycles in the relationship and cause more problems as time goes on.

[daze]

Hi Fakename,

I answered your post on my thread a little earlier.  I don't think it's such a good idea to prolong a relationship with pwBPD just for sex.  I agree with Inepted that it would probably just lead to more recycles.

It seems like a lot of us here have been blown away by the sex with our pwBPD and it's seems a big part of why we stay on the rollercoaster.  But if you know that's all it is, it's not healthy to continue with a BPD person.  Plus that is time you could be using to concentrate on your own life and eventually meet a healthy person to love and share your life with - assuming that's what you want.

As far as the questionnaire, I gave it to my h just to put it out there.  I didn't say I think you have BPD, read this, answer the questions, and tell me what you come up with. 

What I did was copy and paste the questionnaire part from the website, remove the references to self-injury and suicide, and I told him it was interesting.  Later that day, he offered to me that he'd been able to identify with and answer yes to most of the questions.  I said yeah, it's interesting.  He didn't ask what it was and I didn't tell him until weeks later when we were in a really good place.

Please think about whether you really love her and want a future with her.  That would be the only reason to stay.  If she really has BPD, you can count on a bumpy ride unless she commits to therapy and wants to get get better and even then it could take years.

Daze

[fakename]

i'm sitting here on a saturday, while she's out having a good time and moving forward with her life.

thinking about the things she used to say

whenever we went out to eat, i would always sit next to her, rather than across from her. we both liked that.

i remember in one of the times she left me to go back to her ex, she told me that when she tried to sit next to him, he said what're you doing and told her to sit across from her, and this made her miss me.  i think at the time that made me overlook that she left me again and was sleeping with someone else.

or that same period when she went back to him. she went away for 10 days to this vipassana meditation where you cant talk and just meditate there. she told me a couple times that the entire time she was there she was just thinking of being with me. i asked her then why, after the 10 days, she went back to him. the 1st time she told me that story, she said it was cause when she got her phone back she saw texts from him saying he missed her and blah blah blah... .  the 2nd time she told me that story and the 2nd time i asked that question, she didnt really have an answer.


i could never understand how she could say one thing and i was so, just blind to the manipulation when her actions would make things so obvious. i dont understand how i still overlook that manipulation and maybe its just the rejection or her moving on that makes me want to be with her

[ohmygosh]

Some of them certainly in my case are in contact with so manny men, chopping and changing I doubt they know themselves who they love the most.  She kept one photo of all her x boyfriends or a lot, had a fridge wall full of them.  Why I didn't see that as a bigger warning sign I will never know.  When she left town, apparently to sort out a family matter before promising to move back gave me a photo of herself saying you must keep at least one picture of me.  Two days later her trip out of town is a road trip with the new lover boy she friended on Facebook a week earlier.

[momtara]

Regarding them missing/thinking about us... .  I know from experience that when I left my husband, he was very angry at first.  Then slowly the realization of how well I treated him, and what he did to me, started to sink in.  And he started calling me and apologizing and saying he never realized what he had until it was gone.  Not sure whether we'll get back to gether or not, but he keeps trying.  SO I think they do miss us and think about us...   There are different degrees of the disorder and I think I was very good at getting him to think about what he did (through some diplomatic emails and a few trips to the shrink).  Everyone's situation is different.  Your gf may idealize these other guys when they're not around.  The only thing we can do, as lovers, is stay true to ourselves and be loving and kind.