It's over. I wonder what I can expect?

[struggletown]

Hi all, I had found this forum a great source of information. I am sorry to say that I am leaving the relationship with my BPDgf. She has started treatment but the emotional toll on me is too much.

I am having recurring nightmares about her funeral, she talks about and has attempted suicide. I can’t sleep. I’m drinking too much. I’m having panic attacks for the first time in life. I am seeing a counsellor.

I truly love her, and I have left before, but this is it. I hope we can be friends, but that won’t be right now. I need to get on with my life, and so does she.

A couple of years ago I came out of a 12 year relationship with a nonBPD woman. This last BPD relationship has been going for 1 year and I’m finding the breakup harder. I have no anger against my BPDex. I have real concerns for her safety, she has spent so much time in mental health facilities over the last 4 months. So add this to the ‘normal’ breakup moods of sadness and wallowing in self-pity….and you can see why this is rough.

I don’t expect her to accept my point of view, but surely she should be able to see the toll the relationship is taking on me?

I know she’ll be with someone very soon. She is very attractive and can’t handle being alone.

I suppose I’ll just get thrown on the heap of ___hole ex-boyfriends that she talks about…

[Sabine]

  struggletown,

A lot of us here know exactly how you feel and you're right, it's a lot different breaking up with a pwBPD than a NON. This site will help you find your way. It's hard but it's not impossible. It sounds like you gave it your best shot and need to start taking care of yourself now. Actually, you've already started doing that by ending it.

I recommend trying some of the workshops on this site and look to the right side of this screen and click on "The Five Stages of Detachment" panel... .  

Hang in there, you're doing great! 

[OTH]

It is up to you how you handle it. Breakups are hard. These are very emotional relationships. What is your plan? What does pursuing your own best interests look like to you?

[struggletown]

Thanks OTH.

Right now puruing my best interests means keeping myself occupied. Right now that does include drinking and casual sex. (No - I'm not BPD!). I started No Contact 2 days ago, she called me to tell me she was going to kill herself, as if I could stop her by going back. I need to move on.

Thanks for the support. Friends are helpful, but they don't understand BPD. It is so awful.

[turtle]

What you can expect long term is a much better life.

I realize that's not where you are today and that it probably isn't the answer you were looking for, but that IS what the future holds.

turtle