I can see it coming

[jellibeans]

Tonight has not been a good night and it has not been all bad but I can see the wheels in the head of my dd15 working... .  I can see it coming and feel helpless to stop it. It is the roller coaster ride and we are approaching the top of the hill and getting ready for the plunge!

Her mood seems off and she is not really sharing everything that is going on but I know things are going on... .  she seems on edge... .  a boy she was hanging out with this past weekend parked in front of our house tonight to just sit there and watch it. When I went to leave he sped off and made a bit of a show... .  I have no idea what that was about... .  

She texted me from school today that she thinks she has mono... .  yes we are in our 4th week of imagined illness... .  been to the doctors twice and done a full round of antibiotics and still she is sick... .  I believe it is stress induced or not even real... .  but I know she doesn't want to go to school tomorrow or any other day.

So what to do when you can see it coming... .  tonight she was raging... .  swearing at me... .  I wasn't sure she would finally go to sleep but she did... .  I think... .  it is not the raging that worries me... .  I can't handle that but it is what she might do afterwards that I am worrying about... .  Maybe after a good night's rest we will all be happier... .  just maybe... .  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

jellibeans:  I hope you had a good nights rest and things look better today.  I remember that feeling of knowing that the plunge down was on its way.  I often found that when Dd was having  a bad night she was often readying herself for an excuse to stay home from school the next day.  What are you worrying about her doing after she rages.  I use to worry that DD would go up to her room and start cutting.  Very often she would just exhaust herself and fall asleep. Sometimes I was so exhausted from it all that in the morning I would open her door to wake her for school and if she started with "I can't go" for the sake of my own sanity I just left and went to work.

So much of my DD's issues centered around going to school and we finally had to just get her out of there.

I hope this morning is better for you.

Griz

[lbjnltx]

Hello jellibeans,

Sorry that you are dealing with those feelings of what I refer to as "impending doom". 

Since you are aware there is an opportunity to prepare.  To talk to yourself and remind yourself how to respond to your d.  The opportunity to be proactive instead of reactive.

When these opportunities arise and we have time to prepare we also have the calm moments to get in touch with our compassion and respond in a supportive way based on the knowledge of our skills rather than react based on our fears.

How can you let your d know that you are tuned into her without judgement?  What supportive words can you use to let her know you are there to help?  What verbs can you use to remind her that there are solutions to get through what is bothering her?

lbjnltx

[jellibeans]

Well I tried to be upbeat and happy this morning... .  not too happy but carry on like nothing happened... .  drove her to school a told her about the meeting I have scheduled this Friday with her old old and people from the dristict to discuss her schooling options for next year... .  I think this kind of picked her up. When I let her out at school she told she wasn't hugging me because of last night... .  I obviously deserved the ill treatment and here was my punishment. I didn't make a big deal about and just joked that I knew she really did want to hug me.

I get home to find her pills still in WED slot... .  call the school so she can call me back... .  find out she took a different day instead of Wednesday... .  she has done this before... .  a way of making me worry... .  she succeeded.

I just find it so hard to talk with her in this mood... .  she is so on edge nothing I say has a real calming affect... .  she just wants me to suffer because she is unhappy... .  the more unhappy she is the ruder she gets. I am just trying to be calm and respond without anger. Any other suggestions... .  if I try to engage her in conversation she just seems to respond to me with such distaste and very condesending so I think the less I say the better. Every time I try to talk it is met with this kind of response so why give her the ammunition to attack me?

Any other suggestions? I just don't have the words... .  

Griz... .  that is exactly what I worry about... .  she was wearing long sleeves today and I couldn't help but wonder... .  

[sam-99]

I hate those times. Always catch me by surprise somehow just when I am enjoying things going better. I always make an app with P to check her meds for possible need for a tweak and have DD go to counselor an extra visit to talk with her. Sometimes helps, sometimes not.  I feel better trying something.  The validating has worked best now that I know how and at least if she keeps spiraling, it's not because I'm making it worse. I am not left with the guilt which helps me, but still have to watch helplessly. .  I'm not much help I know... .  hope things turn around for y'all again.

[qcarolr]

Well I tried to be upbeat and happy this morning... .  not too happy but carry on like nothing happened... .  drove her to school a told her about the meeting I have scheduled this Friday with her old old and people from the dristict to discuss her schooling options for next year... .  I think this kind of picked her up. When I let her out at school she told she wasn't hugging me because of last night... .  I obviously deserved the ill treatment and here was my punishment. I didn't make a big deal about and just joked that I knew she really did want to hug me.

Sometimes when the behavior is pushing us away is when they most need to know we are there for them. How to acknowledge that yes, last night was a painful one? And leave it at that.

I get home to find her pills still in WED slot... .  call the school so she can call me back... .  find out she took a different day instead of Wednesday... .  she has done this before... .  a way of making me worry... .  she succeeded.

So easy to make an assumption here - I have done this so many times, and DD26 gets so angry. It could be an honest mistake - I get confused myself and take my evening slot in the morning or forget altother. Just a gentle reminder that maybe she can swap today's for the day she took to get the pill box back on track.

I just find it so hard to talk with her in this mood... .  she is so on edge nothing I say has a real calming affect... .  she just wants me to suffer because she is unhappy... .  the more unhappy she is the ruder she gets. I am just trying to be calm and respond without anger. Any other suggestions... .  if I try to engage her in conversation she just seems to respond to me with such distaste and very condesending so I think the less I say the better. Every time I try to talk it is met with this kind of response so why give her the ammunition to attack me?

This is so hard to remember her projections are about surviving her overwhelming emotional state - not to push us away. It sure triggers our own self-protective mental state and I so often reply to my DD in this situation from a place of fear instead of a place of validation.

Finding words to share with you is hard for me - maybe some others will have more concrete ideas for you. Take care of yourself today while your D is at school. Keeping you in my thoughts today.

qcr  

[lbjnltx]

Hi again jellibeans,

I think you are correct when you think the less you say the better.

The defiance, black/white thinking (emotional dysregulation) blocks her ability to engage in the moment.

My d and I have been in this place numerous times pre RTC.   Our "convos" went something like this:

I get a strong feeling that you are really struggling right now.  I am concerned and want to help if you will let me.

You don't care, you never have.

I know that I haven't always shown my concern in ways that meet your needs and I am learning to do it differently.  I will listen if you want to talk.

[jellibeans]

thank you everyone... .  I will try those ideas... .  I am cleaning her whole room up today and doing all her laundry... .  I am hoping she will see this as a kind jester as she loves having a clean room and usually that is far from what her room looks like. I am not a super neat freak but I can't even walk in the door... .  

I know she is overwhelmed right now more than usual so I will try this to see if that snaps her out of it... .  thanks again... .  it is hard when you see trouble coming and feel helpless.

[almostvegan]

jellibeans I feel for you. I've been in tbat EXact place: the feeling I'd approaching doom. Knowing something is " brewing" in there and just waiting for it all to explode. It's really horrible. You're so kind to clean her room. When my 16 yo dd gets like that I try to defuse her too, usually I make her favorite meal or ask if she'd like to go to ice cream shop with me. I find showing kindness to her helps reset her sometimes. It makes her feel worthwhile I think. Like I feel she's worth taking the time for so it settles her a little. Of course it doesn't always work and the raging starts anyway.

I hope you avoided that. 

Hope to hear good news from you.

Have a peaceful day

AV

[mom59]

My 33 y/o daughter has these really quiet periods where she is the daughter I always knew then she starts with this speed talking and irritability followed by everyone is "no good" and then the raging begins. She had another episode this weekend and we went home. It has been quiet for 3 days. I am leaving her alone for two reasons-we need the rest from her disrupting our home and she herself needs to calm herself down. She can contact when she is in better control. She too has a problem with imaginary illnesses. Geez!

[jellibeans]

Well I picked her up from school and she asked me what I did all day... .  I told her I cleaned her whole room and did all her laundry... .  she said that took all day and I said yes it did... .  I hope I get my hug from this morning. I stopped at sonic for an afterschool snack and when got home and saw her room I got that hug after all... .  I really have to remember this in the future... .  it was worth the work to see her mood turn around. I think we are all impacted by our surroundings. Living in that terrible mess and total disorganization must take it's toll after a while and when you are not in the best mood and find it hard just to get up in the morning and go to school, a clean room must be a nice place to come home to... .  

Thank everyone... .  I hope this made a difference to her and we can see some better days ahead... .  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

wonderful!

Sometimes I wonder if the way they "keep" their room is indicative of the condition of their thoughts  

Had a "little chat" w/my d16 yesterday about her room.  Explained that I had spent 30 min. on Saturday picking up in there, and 20 min. on Monday picking up again for the housekeepers to get in there to clean.  Asked her to stay on top of it better.  This morning... .  took me 2 minutes... .  I posted a smiley face and a "thanks for taking care of your room" note on her bathroom mirror.

Hope tomorrow is the same.

[Being Mindful]

Ahh yes, the impending doom of what is next. My dh and I refer to stop and go lights, where yellow is that we are in caution and knowing that something is brewing. Green is stable and red is holy moly we are in deep and the doom is here. We sat with our D at a time when she was doing well to give words to each colored light, listing triggers, behaviors, feelings, emotions etc. associated with each. Asking ourselves how do we know or how do we recognize, name and bring forth those internal cautionery signs before they become overbearing. All of this on big sheets of paper. When in the yellow light, we know things can go either way, back to green (stable) or red (OMG). Then we listed skills to use that are helpful to move back towards green. AND, other skills or actions that are helpful in the red. This really worked well for us. It was a reference point for our d. to communicate with us and it gave her a way to let us know what works for her and what supports she said are beneficial to her when in any of the colored lights.

Being Mindful

[jellibeans]

I like that approach... .  I will try and bring it up to her this weekend or maybe have her therapist try this with her tonight at therapy. She just doesn't like sharing with me much and still doesn't admit she has problems. I do wish her therapist would make her do the homework assignments. At times I think she is just going through the motions. Thanks for the suggestion... .  

[lbjnltx]

Just curious... .  how do you see her t "making" her do her t homework?

[jellibeans]

oh maybe I used the wrong words there... .  no one can make my dd do anything she doesn't want... .  I was talking about the therapy homework not school... .  she offers small gifts to the kids that do homework and I noticed twice my dd coming home with a small gift... .  I guess my worry is that she really isn't trying to do the DBT... .  I am taking a parent class with her therapist right now and I have to say I am not very impressed. I left after the first class feeling like I just wasted the last hour and a half... .  it was only the first class so I am hoping today it is more helpful. From what I have read DBT therapy involves a log and doing some homework... .  right?

I feel if dd did the homework then she would understand DBT better. I like her therapist but I am wondering if she is really making any head way.

[lbjnltx]

oh maybe I used the wrong words there... .  no one can make my dd do anything she doesn't want... .  I was talking about the therapy homework not school... .  she offers small gifts to the kids that do homework and I noticed twice my dd coming home with a small gift... .  I guess my worry is that she really isn't trying to do the DBT... .  I am taking a parent class with her therapist right now and I have to say I am not very impressed. I left after the first class feeling like I just wasted the last hour and a half... .  it was only the first class so I am hoping today it is more helpful. From what I have read DBT therapy involves a log and doing some homework... .  right?

I feel if dd did the homework then she would understand DBT better. I like her therapist but I am wondering if she is really making any head way.

Yes, t homework... .  that is what I was referring to.  And you are correct, dbt does require doing the homework.  My d refused to do the homework too.  Said dbt was boring.  I suggested she lead the next session (which required her to be prepared which required her to read the book/lesson).  The best she could do was read it on the way to t.  I think she did that twice in the final year of outpatient therapy.  She was not owning her own recovery or participating in her own healing... .  hence... .  RTC.

[jellibeans]

sadly I feel we are heading that way as well... .  I know I should look at it as a gift to my dd... .  RTC might be the best thing for her... .  she is extremely stubborn... .  BUT it have seen some improvements lately that give me hope. I keep putting things in blocks of time... .  I said back in December I would give her 6 weeks to shwo improvement and she went a month without trouble... .  that was a record. Before that time is was every other day and I was exhausted.

I do fear she is not really doing the therapy and RTC is a possibilty we might have make available to her. I just haven't totally arrived at the place yet... .  I keep hoping time will help her mature and she will learn from her mistakes.

[Being Mindful]

I like that approach... .  I will try and bring it up to her this weekend or maybe have her therapist try this with her tonight at therapy. She just doesn't like sharing with me much and still doesn't admit she has problems. I do wish her therapist would make her do the homework assignments. At times I think she is just going through the motions. Thanks for the suggestion... .  

Hi Mrsjellibeans, I think it works best with parent involvement because everyone puts their perspective in the exercise. And it was helpful for d. to hear things like... .  when I see you in the yellow light, I recognize this, how can we best support you when this happens? Then, we all shared what our insides feel like when we are in each light. It helped her to see that everyone has those internal warnings, not just her. And, that it is important to recognize them, honor them, bring them out, use them to ask for help. Ideally, it was direct communication with us where she told us what support she needed to get out of the yellow or red light. Thus, if she were in the yellow we knew she needed X. If in the red, she need x, y and z. Afterward, she couldn't blame us for not doing the right thing, but it allowed for conversation for the next time and what needed to be modified to support her out of yellow or red.

Being Mindful

[qcarolr]

Being Mindful - it is so awesome that your D is open to working with this plan with you guys. This really gets you all into a'wisemind' place linking up the emotions and the ability to think and problem solve. As you do this more and more, do you think it gets easier - ie. more internalized and "natural"?

qcr  

[jellibeans]

My dd didn't make it to therapy last night... .  more calls from school that is is dying... .  this is the 4 or 5th week of illness... .  she had stayed up really late to do homework she should have done on the weekend so I think that was really the problem.

I am going to call her therapist today and try and talk to her about these suggestions... .  I like the red,yellow and green approach... .  just need to find a time when she is open to doing it.

I have a meeting today with her old school to go over options for next year... .  I really don't know where she will go next year but the private school really has not been a good fit. I love it but dd spends too much time avoiding going there and being "sick". There is a campus in our district called succes... .  it for kids that can't cut it at the mainstream school... .  I suppect many have addiction issues or emotional issues etc... .  not sure that is the best enviroment but I am open to hearing about it... .  chance to graduate early too and the sooner she is out of high school the better... .  I have this little fanstasy that she actually gets a job this summer... .  her license and makes some new friends and feels good about herself... .  that is a big dream but I would be happy with just one of those things.

Thanks for the advise... .  everyone is always so helpful here... .  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

I wish that I could find DBT training in my area.  I think that my dd may be receptive if I agreed to same type of classes.  But, there is nothing in my area, and my dd is not disciplined to do self help DBT.  Definitely would have to be a group setting.   She did have assignments when she took parenting classes.  Although, I can recall her cramming her reading the night before.  

[peaceplease]

Mrsjellibeans,

I hope that you can find a good school that fits for your dd.  I often wonered how my children would have done in an alternative school.  I always believed that our local charter school was mainly for teens who were expelled.  However, after reading about the school a couple of years go, I learned that it was more than that.  It was also geared for ADHD students.  They recieve more attention from the teachers, as their classes are small.  My neice's chilhood friend is a reading specialist at a charter school, and she loves it.    She loves her students.  If I had a do over, I would send them to a charter school.

I can recall not being happy with the choice of schools.  I hope you can fin the right one.  

peaceplease

[jellibeans]

I will tell you that my dd is doing pretty good with the DBT... .  this is the first therapy that she has responded to. I hope you can find this therapy... .  is there maybe a summer camp or some kind?

I am looking at schools now and one is a charter school... .  the private school that I have her at is too challenging for her. Today was a very bad day for her and she was sent to the principals office... .  she usually is very good at school but this one teacher wanted her to read out loud and she said she would rather not because she has not been feeling well... .  he became angry with her... .  I will be at the school on Monday to discuss further... .  disappointed in this teacher but we will see what the whole story is on Monday.

[peaceplease]

Mrsjellibeans,

I hope you get some things resolved at the school.

My uBPDd is now 28.  Given the right spin, I think that she may be receptive to DBT.  However, we do not have it in our area.  She has been searching for the right T, but hasn't found one that fits for her. 

She was just released from jail, and is on house arrest.  Please continue to do all that you can while they are young because once they are of legal age, it is out of our hands. 


peaceplease

[jellibeans]

peace

That is different when they are older... .  something I try not to think about too much... .  just taking it a day at a time around here... .  I did find a workbook that I bought at amazon... .  

Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life for Teens: Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills for Helping You Manage Mood Swings, Control Angry Outbursts, and Get Along with Others [Paperback]

I know it says it is for teens but I think it could work for your daughter... .  pwBPD are usually immature my nature and I think the skills works for anyone of any age... .  

take care... .  I hope your d find the right T... .