Taking time away

[momontherun]

The past several weeks have been really tough as dd15 is deteriorating again... .  she gets to a certain point then its all down hill from there just this time instead of si every other week it went to every weekend in private then to any chance she gets. I have been doing the best I can validating her feelings and be as supportive as I can but its not enough as our only contact is over the phone. I so want to hold my baby and reassure her although I know she won't let me for decorum sake.

So now I am in a loop of dismissing my emotions so I can be here in the moment for ds's 11 and 4 as well as, my baby sister (who I haven't seen in 4 yrs) staying with me for a few days from Japan and all the family members coming out of the woodwork to come and see her - most not knowing my situation so they question where dd15 is so I tell them at a school in the states to keep up with her education - not a total lie but trying to get the attention back to baby sis as we don't know when we can see her again or how long she can be here (husband is in the military and she flew over on a stand by type thing). The one's who do know do a quick stop by like its an every day event seeing her which has left her in shambles and very upset about the responses. I did my best to fill her in about everyone's situation (distance and clusters) and possible reasons ending up in same s%^&* different day.

Then the T at the "school" messed up in our T sessions - in all fairness it has been a sudden new switch from wed/thurs to tues/thurs and dd15 isn't the only kid she oversee. She apologized profusely after listening to me message ... .  nothing hurtful just I thought this was the day for our family session so I have been waiting for the call and worried something is amiss as I am used to our T sessions in the am and personal in the pm's (hence the 2 days of calls given dd15's current status) and not sure how we were going to work it switching it all up.

DS11 is going through his own stuff with all of this wanting it to be over, relieved dd15's attacks are gone yet guilty because he is so happy with her gone which brings about misdirected anger at me for being so calm and nonchalant ... .  he asked me the other day "why does bad stuff keep happening to us?" Which I told him I see your overwhelmed and unsure how to act, I feel the same way - life is not easy and many people in the world feel this way when there are constant obstacles to hurdle over. However, no one is immune to bad things as there is no such thing as perfect right? (he agreed) so with that being said what matters most is what you make of it CHOOSING to look at the negative like "we are poor, our home life is in shambles, family doesn't care etc" or the positive like "we are just below middle class having all of our needs met, everyone in the family is trying to overcome obstacles, family cares they just don't know how to show it etc". I Think I got through to him as he was contemplating and sharing the differences.

All I know is at this point, I am very emotionally exhausted doing the bare minimum and feeling just as guilty as my mom, ds11, baby sis etc is trying to learn, be as supportive as possible given our own emotions knowing this isn't the dd15 we all know and love, desperately trying to understand how much is the mi vs normal "extreme"  teen stuff, envisioning the places in our lives now that we wanted/hoped/dreamed , accept what is and move on in the here and now as there is nothing we can do to change others - only that person can do this... .  it still hurts.

So I come on every night and read where everyone is at cataloging potential things that could help me or dd15 in the now/future from your experiences, making notes of potential research yet too exhausted to share or look into the things that pop in my head... .  research inspires me, usually. 

I know I am on burn out mode and desperately trying to replenish myself with self care yet getting more depressed and pis@#$ knowing I live in one of the richest states of the nation yet the services are so few and in between - I know many of you are in more dire straights than I am in... .  I just know I have reached my limit for now and have to have time away from this board until I can rebuild myself - i'll still be watching and respond when I can - it will just be sporadic well for now

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

I too have taken breaks from posting to regain my balance. And you have so much to balance-so many looking to you for emotional support in your family. What things can you do to be kind to yourself - a little thing each day that can give you some pleasure? Some small thing you can do with each of your kids to bring back some laughter? A movie - trip to a park or museum - family game night - ?

When I get down, if I immerse myself in my gd7 and doing things with her it has helped me. And to take break from the reading and thinking and talking. Maybe a week off from family sessions with your D.

It can be so painful and hard to reconnect our heart and mind when things get blocked and stuck. Do you have an understanding friend or T? Antidepressants have also helped me get past a bump too.

Please do not feel you need to answer. I will be thinking of you and praying for some energy, peace and joy to trickle into your day.

qcr  

[vivekananda]

just thinking of you MontheR,

hope you are walking in the fresh air, opening you heart to the energy that is life all around you. Drinking lots of cool clean water, to keep those toxins in the body flushed out. Having hot baths and using aromatic oils to lift you a little. Any little thing that helps you connect with yourself and the universe,

viv   

[momontherun]

QCarol - Yes, that is exactly it - regain balance. The balance I have found in these last 6 months dd15 has been out of my home was really thrown with my baby sister coming with her 2 boys for a few days... .  don't know when the next time we can see them but it was great connecting with her again 

Of course, she was disappointed in how the family reacted... .  too busy.  I guess she was imagining people flocking to her dropping everything last minute after all, we haven't seen her outside of pictures in 4 years. She knew coming here, which was last minute, she was on call to fly back and her papers were only good for so long without interfering with her husbands leave of absence... .  so none of us really knew how long. After being here 2 days, our parents stopped by for a couple hours but that was it as far as visits from "the family" go then she found there was a flight back 2 days later or wait 3 weeks for the next one... .  she just couldn't be gone that long not with her oldest kid in school, her husbands leave of absence and their anniversary... .  going to Hawaii 

So I alerted everyone in the family, she was soon leaving so its now or never which brought forth one of 6 other siblings. This one has been really busy in his girlfriends family, work, building a house etc. so he had no idea about dd15 so I gave a brief overview and was pretty ok with it - he took baby sis and nephews out to dinner then our parents stopped by to say their good bye's and she was off in the horizon.

Later that night, I started getting flooded with many emotions - mostly anger. Angry only a couple people in the family even cared to see baby sis, angry my mom and brother lied to baby sis telling her they had no idea she was coming looking right at me when they said it (different times) probably seeing if I was going to go along with it (I did) or get defensive, angry her visit was only for 4 days, angry dd15 is in rtc, angry dd15 self harms, angry ds11 is so angry, angry no one in my life seems to care - all worried about number 1 

So much anger built up... .  it scared me which brought back the overwhelming grief as I reasoned with myself just this time it was different... .  I cried for dd15, I cried for ds11, I cried for baby sis, I cried for my family and I cried for myself. I cried so much that when the weekly T session with dd15 came I was really worn out, clueless what to say so I mostly listened... .  it didn't help dd15 self harmed again and was telling us what was going on, her thoughts, her feelings and what she could have done differently. Then the tears came flooding back but I manage to choke them down for the moment when dd15 told me she knows I am disappointed in her that's why I am not saying much. I didn't want to tell her about the visit or anything else she is missing being gone adding to her being homesick then without thinking I blurted out: I should be disappointed but I am not - I am sad and angry and tired. I want you to quit self harming, I want to take away your pain, I want my dd15 back however, its not up to me - only you can do this - the only thing I can do is be here for you and learn what I can.  I am sorry, I am just burnt out right now. You have come a long way, I know how hard you are trying, I know you are struggling... .  I am too  

Vivek , after that conversation, I saw and read your post instead of responding, I asked myself how on earth can I open my heart to the energy of life around me? I thought I was frequently playing with the puppies (now 5 weeks old) then pondering it even more, I started looking around... .  pretty bleak although 2 walls I painted a reddish pink to offset the different hues of browns gives some color - there's ~ 6-8 weeks of winter left with the arctic winds gusting to 25-35 mph... .  then I saw people starting to plan all types of gardens and got envious a bit. Then I saw it - my Christmas cactus is in bloom... .  it hasn't bloomed in 4 yrs. I looked around at a few of the other plants I inherited from my mom (she declared them all dead and a fools errand in trying to revive them) and noticed my corn plant has a couple new heads in the stem, my mini rose has not only a new bud on it but several new shoots... .  wish the aloe plants were doing as good    This really lifted my spirits... .  spring is in my home bringing in a revived sense of hope   

While at the store I saw a large and beautiful peace lily reduced to 12.00 from 45.00 after carefully inspecting I decided to buy it along with a couple of 5.00 pothos to help cover up my scraggly corn plant and dragon tree's. After I got home, I was inspired and took cuttings off the mini rose, the dragon tree and one of the heads from the corn plant to make more... .  if they take then i'll have a mini jungle with lots of fresh air (most of these purify the air) this time next year - if not, oh well... .  nothing ventured, nothing gained 

This really helped me get my focus and really be in the moment again. Well, it also helped that I get to visit dd15 all next week doing a whirlwind get away myself now that medicaid has approved it so i'll be spending the rest of the week getting care set up for ds4 as well as, the dogs and puppies, homework for ds11, pack for a week in a carry on and being nervously excited 

[qcarolr]

momontherun - oh I am so happy for you - that you have rebounded so quickly.

Seems to me that you spontaneous response with you D15 was a good thing - honest and direct and full of your love for her. I pray that she will find that love there when she ponders this later. Hoping the week visit will go well for you both.

qcr  

[momontherun]

Thanks QCR - I think your right its what I needed to do but was afraid to do possibly contributing and/or trying to prevent dd15's downward spirals, not having ds11 worry etc. well til I wore myself out. I am a naturally optimistic person which brings about peace and calm... .  frequently looking on the bright side and a solution to just about any dilemma which helps me rebound pretty quickly. I really don't know how to handle all the negativity when it floods in like that coming from all directions except to step away to find that inner calm again - posting and sharing here really has helped me tremendously to refocus my energies with all your caring words and get other perspectives.

I hope dd15 does too - she did tell her T she was really sad she made me feel that way. Her T acknowledged her being sad then asked can you really make your mom or anyone else feel a certain way? (I have asked her this several times when she starts struggling with her relationships) dd15 agreed she didn't have that much "power" it just still hurt knowing and was reminded when another girl there basically told her she doesn't know how to be her friend - how to handle the frequent si's and that she needs to stop hurting herself and everyone around her that really cares. So I know she is thinking about it... .  time will tell what she does with it - its all up to her.

[vivekananda]

gee MontheR all that while so sad, sounds positive. Both your dd's thoughts and feedback with her T and your own brush with soon to be Spring. It's like planting seeds that should bloom later eh? That's life. We invest in possibilities and try to help them grow. We connect with the universe. We can always give love.

I am sure the weather is bleak there, and myself I get the SADs (Seasonally Affective Disorder - ie a depression of sorts form not enough good light). When I connect with the universe I look to the skies, the wind, the clouds then the trees, the earth the plants, sometimes I walk to the water and see the sea or the river, then I look directly at people and smile. I feel so good, it is all there for me! How lucky am I? That's all probably because living in the inner urban area, I have no real garden to wander through.

I think it is possible 'to fake it until you make it' we just open our hearts eh?


Vivek    

[momontherun]

Vivek , it is both sad and positive... .  it seems contradicting but thinking of protons and neutrons all around us crashing about in their interactions - it is possible for the negative (grounding) and positive (power) to exist at the same time and in most cases needs to for our own safety. Its when we invest in to much of one or the other we run into problems... .  a fine balance.

Many people here get S.A.D. as the winters are so long (7 mo) and dark - not quite getting sunlight ... .  more dusky. 1 month of spring where its all mud and water, the 2 months of summer is extremely short but very long days - not quite getting to dusk and 2 months of gloomy wet falls. It is hard to live here when affected so much by the sun especially for the young ones and very hard to grow most things however, where there is a will, there is a way 

I used to do that before the kids came along - self reflect in nature... .  so peaceful and energizing just appreciating how beautiful the surroundings are getting lost in the moment for hours - you are fortunate and very lucky doing that... .  Thank you for reminding me how powerful it is connecting with nature as I forgot not doing it in so long.   

[vivekananda]

where the heck do you live and why?

personally I am looking forward to winter. Yes it gets very grey for long periods of time, but I love rugging up the cold is energising for me. Summer here is a danger time because of fires and drought. Ah well, that's life eh, if it's not one thing, it's another.

Vivek    

[momontherun]

  I live in Alaska  Why? well, I grew up here and like most I left as soon as I could anxious to leave for more "normal" seasons and sun phases    At first it was exciting and wonderful then after awhile I started missing "home". The huge mountains are my security blanket - always had been I just didn't know it until I didn't have it. I missed the hunting, fishing and rugged camping. I missed the openness and honesty of the people. I missed the snow. I missed the midnight sun. I missed so much and couldn't wait to get back home wanting to raise my children with all the freedoms I had - the freedoms I didn't have in the states or rather felt I didn't have... .  It just wasn't the same.

[lbjnltx]

I hope dd15 does too - she did tell her T she was really sad she made me feel that way. Her T acknowledged her being sad then asked can you really make your mom or anyone else feel a certain way? (I have asked her this several times when she starts struggling with her relationships) dd15 agreed she didn't have that much "power" it just still hurt knowing and was reminded when another girl there basically told her she doesn't know how to be her friend - how to handle the frequent si's and that she needs to stop hurting herself and everyone around her that really cares. So I know she is thinking about it... .  time will tell what she does with it - its all up to her.

This is a major concept that most people miss their entire lives.

We don't have the power to "make" people feel anything AND we are responsible for how our actions affect other people.

There is a difference and understanding this difference take introspection and acceptance.

Once this concept is presented it is necessary to continually reinforce it.  Reminding others when they make "you make me feel" statements that "I don't have the power to make you feel anything.  Your feelings are your own and they belong to you".  Keep the responsibility where it belongs while owning our own feelings and behaviors.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

I hope dd15 does too - she did tell her T she was really sad she made me feel that way. Her T acknowledged her being sad then asked can you really make your mom or anyone else feel a certain way? (I have asked her this several times when she starts struggling with her relationships) dd15 agreed she didn't have that much "power" it just still hurt knowing and was reminded when another girl there basically told her she doesn't know how to be her friend - how to handle the frequent si's and that she needs to stop hurting herself and everyone around her that really cares. So I know she is thinking about it... .  time will tell what she does with it - its all up to her.

This is a major concept that most people miss their entire lives.

We don't have the power to "make" people feel anything AND we are responsible for how our actions affect other people.

There is a difference and understanding this difference take introspection and acceptance.

Once this concept is presented it is necessary to continually reinforce it.  Reminding others when they make "you make me feel" statements that "I don't have the power to make you feel anything.  Your feelings are your own and they belong to you".  Keep the responsibility where it belongs while owning our own feelings and behaviors.

Is this like the 'formula' I learned in DBT parent skills class?

I feel... .  When you... .  I need... .      instead of

You make me feel... .  When you... .  Stop doing... .  

The first is taking responsibility for my feelings and my needs;

the second is blaming the other for my feelings and asking them to take care of my needs.

qcr  

[lbjnltx]

Yes qcarolr... .  ding ding ding you win the prize!

[momontherun]

Absolutely! It is a major concept we have been working on for the past 5 months starting at the state hospital kinda by accident. It was there she outright told me I make her si because I make her miserable not there protecting her. I sat dumbfounded trying to hold back being defensive. The T there said Wow! your mom has that much control over you? If your mom has that much control then why are you here? She went into a rage and left to go to her room. The next session the T told her lets explore something a minute... .  you want to make adult choices sneaking out, having sex, doing drugs and hang out with grown men right? She said yes she feels good when she does those things. He pointed out your mom takes care of you clothing, feeding and supporting you right? she agreed then he said so on one hand she wants to keep you safe and healthy right? again she agreed then he said on the other hand you choose to sneak around putting yourself in dangerous situations right she agreed then he asked so you see how these two things clash? She wasn't ready to hear it and went into a rage again going to her room.  

This got me thinking of personal responsibility and of course, I defended myself to myself ... .  I started letting her have choices when she was 9 by giving her a set dollar amount for her school clothes -this also was teaching money management as she had a list of must have's like 3 bra's, 4 jeans, 4 shirts, etc. but she got to choose the rest and if any money was left over it was hers to keep... .  I was tired of arguing why she could/couldn't spend 30.00 for a shirt or 180.00 for a pair of jeans. Then it was how she wanted her hair after all she was the one that was stuck with it then it was if she was going to take a babysitting job or go to a friends birthday... .  What time she went to bed etc. each time looking over the pro's and cons with her but ultimately it was her choice pointing out the choices we make are our own... .  no one else's. So she was being prepared for personal responsibility a bit at a time over the last 6 yrs. I then found this article that really helped me explore this concept with her: www.livestrong.com/article/14698-accepting-personal-responsibility/

So during one of our face to face personal time visits I brought it up going over various small, light choices we both had, what we did and the outcome starting out I asked who's choice is it to have dinner done by 6:30 pm?  She said it was my responsibility and she had no choice for the time or what we had which I agreed then to her who's choice is it to get decent grades? She said it was her responsibility I agreed then said ok now for a tricky one, who's choice is it when it rains? She said the weather - I agreed. Then pointed out so you have no control over dinner, I have no control over your grades and we both have no control over the weather... .  she agreed. Then I asked do you know what we all have control of all the time? She said the choices we make - I said sort of... .  Can either of us choose to make the sun shine? She said no so I asked Can we choose to be happy or sad about it? She said yes I asked, Can you make me feel sad the sun is shining? She said no So I asked Who can make me feel sad the sun is shining? She said only you can do that I asked why? she said its your choice to be happy or sad I agreed and pointed out my feelings are my 'power' - a power each of us owns and its up to each of us to decide how we use that power. Do you know what creates feelings? She said no they are just there. I told her sort of - yes its true they are always there and change all the time depending on what we think about something so thoughts create feelings make sense? She said yes. So can anyone jump in your head and create your thoughts? she said no and started laughing So if thoughts create feelings who is in control of those? She said only I am - I said absolutely! So who has that 'power'? She said only I do So others thoughts and feelings are they yours? She said no Whose are they? She said, Only theirs Can you control them? She said no. I then asked so ultimately whose responsibility is X's thoughts and feelings? She said only theirs - So is it fair for you to 'own' their thoughts and feelings? she said no I said exactly! Its not her responsibility just like its not others responsibility to 'own' her thoughts and feelings... .  that is her 'power' - her responsibility then we played around with that concept in our personal calls for a couple months.

Then we moved on to asking her how she felt and what she could do in various situations as they were coming up. After a couple of weeks, I got the impression she was mixing up emotions like sadness for calmness because she would say she was calm and content then si revealing she was really sad and angry. So we started taking one positive and one negative emotion out of the 6 basic emotions: www.changingminds.org/explanations/emotions/basic%20emotions.htm Exploring them and what their purpose is and draw off personal examples of her choosing. Like, Anger is the body's way of saying your being treated unfairly in some way or Joy is the body's way of saying you have gained something important to you etc.

Then we moved onto how some of them mix creating secondary emotions like Sadness + Surprise = Disappointment which is the body's way of saying hope is gone or Joy + Trust = Love which is the body's way of saying you are irreplaceable and unique. Here is a wheel going over the basic emotions on the outside then secondary emotions on the inside and next to each other is the emotion when 2 are blended again drawing off of personal examples of her choosing:



www.faculty.txwes.edu/mskerr/files/3304_ch2.htm

Then we moved onto looking at the positive and negative functions of just the 'bad' emotions she has a really hard time with such as anxiety, guilt and frustration. This article really helped: www.usenature.com/article_emotional_choice.html

During all this she was frequently validated, reminded these are her feelings - there is no right or wrong answer, they are what they are (acceptance) pointing out what she has control of, whose responsibility it is, what she could do and what the emotion is trying to tell her (personal responsibility) getting her to focus on her thoughts which is bringing us into self-validation or rather self soothing trying to get her to 'reframe' them to more positive ones using positive affirmations and asking herself those same questions... .  we just started this so its going to be slow moving tying it altogether and may have to be put it on the back burner if we are missing something or readdress any one of these previous concepts before moving on.

For our visit we are going to do some trust exercises with the rock wall, some exercises on the law of attraction to reach goals, some work with the horses to address boundaries keeping in the forefront everything we have worked on so far and most important connecting with each other.

[lbjnltx]

Very nice presentation mootr!

In the mix... .  thinking errors that drive the emotions.

Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking


Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking

[vivekananda]

OMG, I wish your were my mum MontheR - not only would I get to live in Alaska, I'd have someone guide me through the minefield of emotions and thinking and personal resonsibility. That was so wonderfully explained by you. I have yet to explore the links and really read it all. I love the graphic of the emotions.

There is so much reading to do! So much helpful info here.

Thank you,

Vivek    

[qcarolr]

momontherun - thanks so much for this info. and what a great input you have with your D. Is this also a part of what her T's are working on with your D. I will have to print this out, and read the link throroughly. So much information to process!

qcr